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  #1  
March 28th, 2008, 10:12 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 46

I never thought Id have the gutts to ever come on here, to actually say my feelings out loud is like a stage of recovery and im not even sure if im ready to do that yet..but this is my story

My son was due on 5th may 2008
I had the perfect pregnancy you might say, baby growing fine, regular kicks, steady fast heartbeat, appointments went fine and the weeks rolled past smoothly...sometimes I tended to worry because he tended to have more quiet periods that alert ones but then he always poked me in the side and I sighed with relief, so the weekend just after my 32 week check up on 06/03/08 he was quiet and I didnt partically notice, it was normal even the back ache I had was normal...
Till the monday morning, I felt off, extremely funny I feel ever so guilty now for not ringing the midwife there and then, but then I started bleeding, it wasnt spotting, it was fast and in gushes and my heart stopped I just knew something was wrong, when I got to hostipal they said my baby had died...
They werent sure when it had happened, it had looked like I had been bleeding internally and only noticed something was wrong when I was bleeding externally but the placenta had abrupted killing my baby boy within 4 days of my normal healthy check up..
On that same day 10th march 2008 I gave birth to my stillborn son, 32 weeks into my pregnancy

They dont know why it happened yet, Im not sure we'll ever no..it gets me so angry and upset, how could my child just die without no warning, how could he last so long and do so well to die suddenly out the blue down to natural causes?...I feel like he's just been dangled in front of me for 32 weeks then snatched away...then I wonder why did it happen to me? I never drank, smoke, eat dodgy foods so why?....then I get down and frustrated because my questions cant be answered.

Im going through so many emotions at the moment, Its like everythings still so raw, so fresh in my memory and body, I still close my eyes tightly to see if time will rewind or maybe it happened to the wrong person and that my baby is ok...and alive...
But it doesnt..
the pain is still there on the surface threatening to strangle me, time isnt rewinding only moving forward, people are staring trying to be sympathetic but really not knowing what to say, its like life and everyone else is normal and Im this person stuck in limbo on my own...

Its not that I havent the support, I have its...I just need someone to know what its like being me..

Gem xxx
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  #2  
March 28th, 2008, 11:14 AM
Mom 2 Avery's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm sorry for the loss of your precious son, but I'm glad you came to us!!!
The ladies here are wonderful and I couldn't have asked for more support.

I'm Dawna, 46 (next week!) and I live in Houston.
If you EVER need to talk, I'm a message away!!!

Sending hugs!
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  #3  
March 28th, 2008, 12:10 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: MA
Posts: 4,037
I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son. It's not fair, it's not right.... I understand your feeling that he was just dangled in front of you the entire time. My husband and I talk about that too... how unfair it was to give us this glimpse of the future, of the family we want so badly, only to tear it away from us.

I'm Natalie... my baby boy Devin was stillborn 3 weeks ago at nearly 36 weeks. I have a lot of the same feelings of guilt.... because I too didn't really make note of his movements being so small and the last few days I don't think there were any, but I was distracted and he was always so good.. I figured he was just having some sleepy days..... I'll always kick myself for not going in. But at the same time........ by the time I had noticed it was probably too late.
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  #4  
March 28th, 2008, 12:15 PM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sorry about your loss. The pain will eventually subside with time. My son was stillborn at 41 wks 5.5 months ago and here I am preggo again. Never in a million years did I think I was going to get out of bed again, let alone be preggo again. It will take time. **hugs** and we are here to talk to.
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  #5  
March 28th, 2008, 12:54 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am SO sorry for your loss! My DS was stillborn at 33 weeks back in August 2007. I am so sorry you also have to deal with this pain. I'm glad you have found us though. These ladies have been so helpful during my grieving process.
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  #6  
March 28th, 2008, 03:59 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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I'm so sorry, your story made me cry. My Cora's passing was very sudden. I remember movement at about 10pm, and I went to bed. The next morning I woke up at 11am and I couldn't get her to move at all. Not one swish or roll. I went into my Dr. and we did and ultrasound and confirmed no heartbeat.

We lost Cora at 38w1d. I delivered her the next day on May 2, 2006. It's been almost 2 years, and I've had a healthy baby girl since then and I still feel that guilt and anger sometimes. I know how it feels to be "teased" with the idea, and to have it snatched away. We were SO CLOSE. If there had been some reason for me to go into L&D instead of going to bed, they could have done and emergency c/s and saved her (it was a cord accident). But there was no reason. I felt better than I had my entire pregnancy.


We're here to cry with you. We all know what the pain feels like. I'm sorry that you have to join us.


If you would want, I can get you added to the Pregnancy Loss forum's Loss List. Just click here and add your information and I'll get you on it.

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  #7  
March 29th, 2008, 12:57 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 46

I cried when I read my replies...I never actually thought someone would read my story...
It was such a relief to know that people understand my grief and what Im going through..
...I dont feel as alone any more..its like a comfort
thankyou all the people that feel for me and replyed to my topic, its so nice to know people are out there that can help...
people have said time heals..at the moment, time is just passing nothing is healing, maybe im just asking to much of myself too soon, I dont know..Im still living in this fog that hasnt yet cleared, time just passes before me and Im just in this whirlwind, it just goes round and round and I cant escape...I dont even think at the moment I want too..

How do I learn to cope..it hurts so much.
I know this is a bad thing but I was on sleeping tablets for the first 2 weeks, now I feel drink helps...Ive got a feeling I might become dependent on it..im just scared, because at the moment it helps me sleep, it helps me forget the hurt and pain, it helps me be normal for at least several hours...my life isnt a mess when Ive had a drink..sigh* I feel so depressed and down, Ive got noone to talk too who actually understands, people cry and say there sorry but I feel like shouting at them, because saying sorrys and sad faces dont help...they wont bring kian back, they dont ease my pain..is that selfish of me??

Gem xxxxx
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  #8  
March 29th, 2008, 01:13 PM
lunarmagic's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't think that's selfish..... I think in times like this you need to stop thinking in terms of how you should feel or how you should react. it's a terrible, overwhelming thing and it will come and go and you will feel how you feel and nothing is going to change that.

I would be a little concerned about the drinking dependence. The thing with escaping the pain is that it's always going to be there when you come back. Like many people have said to me, grieving sucks, it hurts like heck, but you can't go around it... the only way to the other side is through it. It hurts so much to feel everything.... to sit and cry and scream...... but it's the only thign that ever helps me feel a little bit better. I don't think you shoud be worried about functioning..... so what if you can't do anything else. So what if you can't handle talking to people. You are grieving. You NEED to be selfish right now. You need to do what YOU need to do.

Learning to cope..... it's weird. I feel like on one hand each day that goes by brings me a little bit more peace, a little bit more acceptance. But on the other hand I feel like the days themselves mean nothing.... they fade into each other, I lose track of time. I feel like it's been forever since Devin died, and yet it feels like just yesterday. Time kind of becomes meaningless.

Coping itself..... well I can only tell you what works for me. I find that doing things "for" Devin helps. I organize the few photos I have, edit them, make siggies out of them. I post about Devin, about what I'm going through. I have a journal where I write down all my feelings and work through things - that helps a lot to me. Most of all I just sit and feel things. Even when it hurts. I've given myself permission to feel whatever I am going to feel and just take it all into me and let it all out. If that means sobbing hysterically in bed, so be it.

Do you have a significant other? I noticed in your post you never mentioned anyone.
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  #9  
March 29th, 2008, 01:42 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 46

Yea I have a boyfriend, he has been very supportive through all this, but...and I dont know if this is the same for you, but as much as he tries, he doesnt really, truly understand, coz its like I had the closest bond of all with Kian and he never had that as I carried him so sometimes I feel so alone because no one truly understands...

And what scares me the most, is if people forget him, I get so angry not only at myself when I forget him for a moment but at other people because when they get on with there lifes, its like everyoenes carrying on without him, like he never existed and I get ever so angry and then I feel ever so guilty because these peopel are my family...

Its like my bodies and horomones are everywhere, one day I feel im doing ever so well and then the other day I crumble and Im back to square one...its so exhausting...

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  #10  
March 29th, 2008, 02:19 PM
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It is a sad welcome. I have felt a lot of things you mentioned. I lost my baby girl at 27w5d after ttc her for over 5 years. We lost her due to blood clotting disorders. It will be a year next month. I took sleeping pills at first, then I went to drinking too. I am sure you know all of the problems with drinking, so I won't even begin to lecture you on that. What helped me to come out of that is I kept thinking what kind of mom would I be to Abby if she was here? And I try to be the same kind of mom even if she isn't in my arms now. It is ok to allow yourself to feel, covering it up with alcohol really doesn't help, I have tried! Sometimes it is that little bit of escape from our reality though.

Men deal with grief differently. Mine, well he doesn't understand it the way that I do. He only got to feel Abby kick once. I got to feel her several times. It is good to come here, because these women all know what we are going through. I also wanted to mention the book "empty cradle, broken heart". It was a very good book and it helped me quite a bit.

It is important to take care of yourself right now. There is no need to think about anyone else. It is acceptable to be as selfish as you need to be. This is how you cope. There is nothing anyone can say to take your pain away right now. In time it will get a little easier to function. It wasn't until after my dd's edd came and went that I started to come out of my "fog". Thats when I stopped measuring time in weeks.

We are here anytime you need to talk.
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  #11  
March 29th, 2008, 06:39 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss. I have to say, that this is the best place to come when you are in need of feeling surrounded by people who care, and people who understand. I too lost my son this year, January 26th ( I know I wasn't past 20 weeks, but I had felt his kicks, delivered him, named him and held him). I just want you to know that you've come to the right place. We will all be here.
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  #12  
March 30th, 2008, 03:15 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 46

I had to come back..
I couldnt sleep..Im finding it so difficult, just to funcution
Everything just hurts so much, and at night its worse, when its quiet and heres just silence..

I cant really say much because theres nothing much to say...
I just need help, I feel so alone, its like no one understands or the fact everyone is moving on and Im not ready too..

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  #13  
March 30th, 2008, 09:17 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I remember wanting to scream at the world, "STOP MOVING!" because to me, my world had stopped moving. I hated to see people happy and laughing and going about their lives. I couldn't go to the store or anywhere really because it seemed all I saw were healthy newborns everywhere.

Have you sought any medical help? If not, I highly encourage you to go and see a counselor and/or go to a support group (call your hospital and see if they have one or can recommend one). You need to talk about your feelings irl too. Sometimes I would just say, "I don't know what I feel. I keep moving and such just because I'm supposed to, but I just don't feel anything." Somedays I felt everything. You might even need a little medication to get you through this rough time. There is no shame in any of that! We all need to be able to grieve in our own way. Let yourself.

I'm so sorry, again. I'm just so sorry. I will say that you will find your way. You will find a way to move forward without leaving behind the memory of your Kian. He will remain with you forever, but I'm positive he wants his mommy to move forward in her life too and not be stuck in one moment forever. You will never get over it, you will find your way to cope. Until then, just keep moving and trying new things.
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  #14  
March 30th, 2008, 10:50 AM
Fluffy Baby's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I can't write alot because I am visiting a friend for the weekend.

I know all to well wanting to escape the pain afterwards. I was on Xanax for awhile and smoked some pot for about 4 months after Dominic was born. But like someone said, what kind of mom would I have been if he was here? I have a 20 month old and she keeps me giong. I felt so horrible about deserting her for 4 months. I was with her physically, but not fully there mentally, kwim? I know the pain is so fresh for you. It is hard to think about moving forward. I miss my son EVERYDAY, but that isn't going to bring him back. I love him and honor his life, but I won't hold on to it. Like I mentioned, I am preggo again. I never dreamed I would be preggo so fast, we werent even trying. I don't know if your religious, but I feel like God sent my angel for a reason. I am a mommy of a real angel. A baby is the purest creature on this earth. I am his mommy, his only mommy.

My husband started grieving at the hospital when I was waiting for my c/s. I didn't start grieving for a few weeks. Men don't TRUELY understand. My husband was upset, but he "got over it" fast. He has moved on. He cries with me when I cry, but he cries because I am hurting. Because my arms ache for a baby. My heart aches. That will never go away. No matter how many more babies I have. My heart will always ache for my first baby boy, my son, a piece of my heart.
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My trio: Alyssa 7, Tristan 4.75, Gavin 1.5

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Rest In Peace Jennifer <3



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  #15  
March 31st, 2008, 04:57 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Location: Littleton, CO
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I don't have much to add more besides what everyone else has said, but I wanted to respond to this:

Quote:
And what scares me the most, is if people forget him, I get so angry not only at myself when I forget him for a moment but at other people because when they get on with there lifes, its like everyoenes carrying on without him, like he never existed and I get ever so angry and then I feel ever so guilty because these peopel are my family...[/b]
First of all, even if you have moments when you're not actively thinking of Kian doesn't mean that you have forgotten him. You will never forget him. Even if you don't think about him for a while, he's there with you in your heart and who you are. Grief changes you, it becomes part of you, like a scar. Over time, we learn to hide it, and we don't pick at it anymore, but that doesn't make it any less real.

And I know the feeling of family carrying on. Sometimes I feel like my husband's family and most of my family don't remember. I felt like the whole year was just a horrible nightmare. But then I looked at the pictures, her handprint, my stretch marks, and they were all proof of her existence. At one point I felt like if I moved on it would make Cora cease to exist, but later I realized that NOTHING, not even death, could do that. She will always be there, and Kian will be too.




((by the way, I wasn't able to put him on the loss list because I don't have enough information. I need your and your S/o's name [if you're comfortable with that], your loss date, your due date, and your angel's full name]))
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