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Help with DH??? long and O/T


Forum: Due Date Club of May 2014

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  #1  
January 21st, 2014, 07:08 PM
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I'm sure there has to be someone whos gone through similar issues...I hope. I got in a huge fight with DH tonight over house cleaning. He will occasionally cook dinner and if I ask him to will put DD to bed sometimes but that's it for indoor stuff. He also does all the outdoor stuff...which to be totally honest is pretty **** easy most of the year. We have snow for about 7-8 months a year so all he has to do is snowblow the driveway. Getting him to do anything else is like pulling teeth and he makes me feel bad everytime I ask. So I always just do everything myself. But its really frustrating.

I leave work everyday, pickup DD from daycare, make dinner, clean up after dinner, make lunches for everyone for the next day, put DD to bed, clean some of the house, shower and go to bed. Everyday. After chasing a room full of three year olds all day while being 6 months pregnant.

He manages a rental company but the winter they go whole days without even getting a single customer sometimes. So he spends the first couple hours getting stuff done around the store then him and the staff play with RCs in the snow or watch movies the rest of the day. Then he comes home, eats dinner, and watched tv the rest of the night. If I get pissy he gets up and plays with DD, otherwise they snuggle and watch tv together.

So tonight I was going to use the floor buffer on our living room floor for the first time in two years. I scrubbed around all the outside of the floor on my hands and knees then grabbed the buffer. He flipped out and hid the floor buffer saying that it was going to wreck our laminate floors. Which it doesn't at all. Its more gentle than the friggin mop I use every day. I yelled at him (which I haven't done in years) and he stomped off to the bedroom. Hes not talking to me since Im being "a *****". I never ever confront him since he makes me feel so bad for doing it and I try everything to make DD remember her childhood as a happy time and place. I don't want her to ever see or hear us fight.

I'm trying to get him to help me with stuff around the house since I am more than likely going to have a C-section with this baby but everything he does he acts like hes doing me a great favour. I'm super worried about having this baby because I wont have any real help and I don't know if I can do it. Even the laundry machines are downstairs and he doesn't even know how to work them. Plus with our first baby she was super fussy and he wouldn't help me when she was grumpy and fussing so I had to do everything plus care soley for the baby. She screamed for a solid 9 months so it was a loooong tough time for me. I finally told him I was leaving and he started making an attempt at helping me out. But it only went so far. He still never once vaccumed or did laundry but it was an improvement.

I've tried talking to him and Ive given him some tough love in the past but it totally backfires. If I don't make his lunch for work he buys fast food everyday. If I don't do laundry he buys more clothes. If we're spending a bunch of money bills wont get paid so I don't even have that option. Im so frustrated...this baby isn't even here and Im already ready to take DD and run. Im desperate guys....any ideas?

I dont have anyone else to help me after baby is born and cant afford to pay anyone so Im starting to panic a bit.....
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  #2  
January 21st, 2014, 07:18 PM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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wow. I'm just going to be blunt and say he sounds very childish. I'm not sure what you can do to get him to see what he is doing is very wrong and selfish =(

I just can't picture a grown man not knowing how to work a washing machine...and instead of washing his own clothes..he goes and buys more? absolute craziness.
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  #3  
January 21st, 2014, 07:20 PM
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I pretty much agree......I hate that he is so immature but the only time I cant work around it is when I need help. Which should be when he jumps right in. So **** frustrating. I just don't know what to do anymore.
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  #4  
January 21st, 2014, 08:04 PM
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People treat you the way you let them. If you want it to change I think you will have to have a talk with him, hopefully when neither of you are upset.


If you laid things out to him the way you have for us here... what is his "defense" for how is he acting?
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  #5  
January 21st, 2014, 08:45 PM
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I guess I will hey? I've honestly never sat him down and told him everything. Well, with the exception of right after our daughter was born. And you're right hes probably treating me like crap since I put up with it. I think Ive made his life too easy. Everytime we disagree eventually I just decide to give in and make life easier on us. But really I'm just throwing more crud on my own shoulders. I'll have to talk to him when Im not so emotional otherwise I might start beating the crap out of him with a broom or something.....which he probably has coming anyway.....

As for his defense hes a huge believer in not talking when hes upset so even when I do talk to him he wont say anything. I will probably never know why hes been such a selfish arse the past few years but hopefully talking to him will change him anyway. I know they say you can never really change someone but this would just be reversing him to the way he used to be. I can at least hope that it might work. Im terrified of my future right now so something has to change and fast.
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  #6  
January 21st, 2014, 08:46 PM
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Oh man first of all I am so sorry! I don't know that I have any wonderful advice but there is no way in heck that would fly over here. DH does more than that around the house and I am currently a SAHM. When we both worked full-time we split everything 50/50 - or really he actually did more around the house because I worked longer hours generally. Have you actually written down a list of everything you do and then everything he does and made him sit down and look at them?
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  #7  
January 21st, 2014, 10:13 PM
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You sound like my best friend. Bends over backwards for everyone and never says anything is upsetting her until she is ready to explode. People take advantage of her and I always hear about it. I tell her to speak up for her self, I dunno why she doesnt its not like shes a quiet person. She just puts up with so much crap that I never would. If something is bugging me I have the opposite problem. I say something right there and then lol Also not the best way to deal with issues.
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  #8  
January 22nd, 2014, 05:25 AM
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Oh my.
I kind of went through that on a much lesser scale. Eventually I got pissy enough about having to do everything and said I would just kick everyone out. If I'm the one doing all the work, I'll be the only one living here. Things improved but I still kind of feel like I have to be over-bearing at times and that frustrates me. Adults SHOULD be able to take some initiative and just get things done that need to be done. But we all know that isn't the case.
Personally I'm going to start writing 'honey-do' lists for DF (and sister) so that I'm not going hoarse repeating what needs to be done all the time, but also so they aren't hearing my nagging voice. A list could help smooth things out and keep the air less tense.
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  #9  
January 22nd, 2014, 06:15 AM
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This sounds very frustrating, I'm sorry you are going through this.

One of the best tips that I ever got before getting married is "Don't keep score," which is hard to do. BUT...I think in your case, it's hard NOT to keep score.

If I were you, I'd pick a time that it is just you and DH, and things are calm and you are in good moods. Broach the subject and simply tell him that you need more help around the house. You appreciate what he does do, but it feels like the chore/houshold list is off balance and you are feeling overwhelmed and baby isn't even here yet. Then propose what you'd like him to do and why ("put DH to bed because I'll be nursing" or "Grocery shop since I can't lift the groceries.")

I hope he responds well. I think it's all in the delivery with this one (words, not baby )
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  #10  
January 22nd, 2014, 06:33 AM
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I'm very sorry you are going through all of this. I'm a fixer. Every guy I dated, I tried to fix. I was convinced they would change for me. I finally learned with my ex-husband that most times, there is no fixing a man. I can't be sitting there miserable and think "soon, he'll see how wrong he is....soon he will change." I would have talks with him about what I needed emotionally, things would improve for a short period of time, and then everything would go back to the way it was, slowly. Like he was testing the waters to see what I would put up with.

I would be very frank with your husband. "Here's my day. Here's how I feel your day is. I need help." Don't use accusing words. Tell him how you feel. Your feelings aren't wrong. You don't need to be mothering your own husband to get things done. Either he makes a change, or he loses his family.

Again, so sorry you are going through all of this. It's hard enough to go through this when you aren't pregnant, but then all the hormones and stresses of pregnancy on top of it is the worst. Hang in there.
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  #11  
January 22nd, 2014, 06:41 AM
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I sympathize. I too agree you should talk to him when you're both calm, and work out a plan. I've found that making these kinds of changes works better when DH has input. If you approach it as "OUR house isn't running as smoothly, when the baby comes it'll be too much to continue like we have, what can WE do about it?" You can discuss what tasks does he "like" most. How would he like you to address it if something falls through? What makes sense to him in keeping track of chores/errands- a whiteboard in your kitchen, a notepad on his desk/dresser, a shared Google task list, some kind of app? If he has buy-in up front, he *may* be more likely to follow through. And when you need to remind him (because that will happen) you can say "Remember we agreed you'd do X?" and it'll be less because you told him to, and more because he agreed. Ideally.

Good luck. These things are never easy. As you say, marriages change over time, things need to be re-negotiated, and long-standing habits are hard to break.
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  #12  
January 22nd, 2014, 07:39 AM
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Thanks everyone. Id like to say that I talked to him last night but I havent. We both went to bed without talking. Boo....Im still too mad about it and hes not talking to me still so it might be a while. Sigh.....I spent half the night trying to figure out how to talk to him lol. I guess theres no easy way. And yeah Nel you're pretty much right...Ive never had a problem having a bigger workload than other people so I generally just dont say anything but every about 5 years with DH I reach this snapping point. Like I said last time it was right after having our daughter and I almost left him. Over time hes gone right back to being the way he was which is frustrating.

Honestly though Id probably be a lot better with it if he didnt make me feel so bad about asking for anything! I feel like the worlds biggest nag when I have to ask him the same things week after week. And then I get grumpy when Im running all over the house and hes sitting on his butt watching tv and he gets all mad and calls me pissy. Well no! I just want you to get off your butt and help me out once in a while!! Im pregnant...wheres my rest time??

Grrr....I probably have a few days to go before I can talk to him lol. Im still fuming.
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  #13  
January 22nd, 2014, 07:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ellies_mom View Post
Honestly though Id probably be a lot better with it if he didnt make me feel so bad about asking for anything! I feel like the worlds biggest nag when I have to ask him the same things week after week.

Yeah that is a pet peeve of mine. I refuse to nag about stuff he knows needs to be done. I'm his wife not his mother. With DH it works best to have a list for him. Honestly I thought it was ridiculous for a long time "why can't he just see what needs to be done like I can" but it really works best for him. For some reason if it is written down on a piece of paper it gets done!
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  #14  
January 22nd, 2014, 08:48 AM
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My DH is helpful when he is home, but he works very long hours. He likes our house to always be neat and tidy which is impossible with 4 kids. I do the best I can. If it bothers him, he now knows he has to chip in more. (this is after a HUGE fight we had this fall)

Men can be really dense. Make sure you are communicating very clearly on what you need help with. He asked me to start making him a list. At first I found this ridiculous...I mean, look around budddy! But, that is what he wanted.I started making him a list and having this kids chip in more and it has helped.
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  #15  
January 22nd, 2014, 09:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mkljmom View Post
Men can be really dense.
Perfectly said.
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  #16  
January 22nd, 2014, 10:18 AM
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I wish I had advice for you, but I don't. I am in a similar but slightly different situation in the sense that SO and I are not married, and SO has a very physically demanding job. With that said, he also has 3 kids from a previous marriage that we have all the time, plus our own 2 (including the one on the way). He only helps clean about once a month when he gets pissed at the mess and wants to have his adult friends over. He makes more of the mess than the kids! He doesn't expect them to help clean up since they are 'kids', he rarely helps with dinner, he goes out 2-3 times a week, and then sleeps in all day on his days off. I've come close to leaving (and so has he) because he thinks I should do more and I think he should do more. And of course he is against any type of chore chart saying he'll help out more 'on his own' which of course doesn't happen.

Not only do everything for our daughter, make the meals, do the laundry, and most of the day to day cleaning, but I have to get the boys up for school in the morning and stop at both school and their moms because he refuses to let the boys change schools so that they can take the bus.

Right now I am in nursing school and will be for the next 2 years - and they are going to be challenging for sure - but I sometimes wonder if I stay with him only for the childcare and because my daughter loves him and her brothers so much?

Getting up and leaving is a big decision, and I'm willing to try to make things work - but that means we have a very messy house a lot of the time because I'm waiting for him to do his part every day. Relationships are hard.
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  #17  
January 22nd, 2014, 10:30 AM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am getting so mad for some of you ladies!!! I can not stand it when men DO NOT HELP.
My husband is gone all week long and when he comes home he does dishes/laundry/kids baths/outside chores/shopping ect...and I'm a stay at home mom. I just think its total bull crap that they expect you guys to do it all and wont pitch in....freaking makes my blood boil.
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  #18  
January 22nd, 2014, 10:56 AM
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I'm with CAMM on this one.

I'm a SAHM too. He still helps out around the house.

When we both worked we each had our own chores to do. We both did laundry, yard work and raised the kids, he had the kitchen and all 3 bathrooms and I had the family & living room, loft and all bedrooms.

Now my 6 year old has the living & family room and he takes out the trash. DH has the boys bathroom (yuck!) and we still share raising the kids, yard work & laundry 50/50. I do everything else but he still helps out if he sees things need to be done. If I don't get to the after dinner dishes the next morning before work he'll do a load. And when we had our last foster kids 2 were in diapers, when he got home he took over diaper duty for the rest of the night.

PS- He also needs nagging to do things once in a while and sometimes it takes him weeks to get something done....example putting some heavy furniture in storage, etc. It's a Y chromosome thing.

I feel really bad for you ladies. I wouldn't be able to do it. It would be fine if I was single and doing everything that would be no problem at all but when you have a husband/boyfriend/significant other they should help! They are there to make your life easier and visa verse if they aren't holding up to their end (be it mentally, physically, emotionally) KICK ROCKS! Why should you give 110% and they give 10%?!?

Seriously I think it would be a breeze for you to kick him out and do it all yourself. You'd be doing everything you're doing now without a baby man dirtying everything and lowering your confidence!!!
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Last edited by anjewellove; January 22nd, 2014 at 10:59 AM.
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  #19  
January 22nd, 2014, 11:18 AM
*CAMM*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Ditto to the sometimes having to nag...its a woman thing to nag..its a man thing to not listen for a few days...but eventually they SHOULD get off their butt and do whatever it is you've kindly asked them to do 10,000 times...=/

Our philosophy is that ..its our house..our kids...we do it together. Do we get into fights about it sometimes..hell yes....do I feel like I do it all sometimes...hell yes...but for those times I feel like Im doing all the chores and raising the kids alone...he more than makes up for it the next time. Some weekends I don't have to touch a dish or a broom or change a poopy diaper because he has done it all for me. Some weekends he goofs off a bit and may only change a few diapers or clean up one room....but I still dont feel totally alone because I know he will make up for it.
Usually when he is home he makes every single meal....plates up everyone's food including mine...so I clean the kitchen...its a give and take relationship.

I refuse to be a mother to my husband..he's my equal not my child so he needs to act that way.
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  #20  
January 22nd, 2014, 11:19 AM
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I agree this behavior you ladies are putting up with is crazy. They are grown men with a house and family of their own. There is no need for them to think the magical mommy fairy gets everything done!!

I dont want to sound bragging but reading this stuff... man my husband kicks *** lol We have had our fights about the mess in the house but he is so good about it and always tries to help and do what I need. <3
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Last edited by Nel; January 22nd, 2014 at 11:23 AM.
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