Log In Sign Up

DH and my MOM decided to have an "intervention"


Forum: May 2014 Playroom

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree17Likes
  • 3 Post By Nel
  • 6 Post By girlsofsummer
  • 1 Post By ToMuchElmo
  • 6 Post By mkljmom
  • 1 Post By Tree_Love

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To May 2014 Playroom LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
October 17th, 2013, 07:52 PM
mkljmom's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 647
I will try to condense this as much as I can.

I have posted before about how chaotic our house has become in the past couple of months. I really am doing the bare minimum. It is the best I can do right now. I am not very organized to begin with, so it doesn't take much.

DH and my Mom both came in around 6 tonight while I was feeding the kids. My Mom brought my sister who watched the kids while they took me in the living room to "talk." They proceeded to tell me I was lazy, my house was disgusting and my Mom said a lot of hurtful things. DH said he wished I was "normal".

I spent most of my 20's in therapy working on recovering from physical and emtional abuse from my mother. DH knows this. Everything I have been trying to overcome for so long is now fresh on the surface. I don't understand why he would involve her. Just to add some prospective...my mother, who sucked so bad at being a mother, that I am now raising her youngest child, had lots to say about what I was "doing to my children" by "living like this."

I feel so sad, betrayed and overall worthless. I have been disabled since 2011 and now I'm pregnant. I'm doing the best I can and it is not good enough I guess.

I'm not sure what can be done to remedy this. I want to physically hurt him. I can't stop crying. I'm just a mess.
__________________
Mandy
wife to Richard
Mommy to Max 9/21/99, Lucy 8/9/05, Kirby 7/18/07, Jaycie 2/11/09, and expecting baby #5 5/6/14

Last edited by mkljmom; October 18th, 2013 at 04:28 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
October 17th, 2013, 08:11 PM
Nel's Avatar
Nel Nel is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 3,014
((HUGS))

I cant imagine how you are feeling and while you are pregnant on top of that all. Wow! I wish I had something more encouraging to say.

Edit: Is your DH feeling he is doing too much around the house? I seem to recall you saying he isnt around much and you have to look after the 5 other lil people in your house right now...

I only have 1 little person to look after and I can't even do that. DH is doing 80% of the work around the house right now and has been for the last month.
__________________










Last edited by Nel; October 17th, 2013 at 08:13 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
October 17th, 2013, 08:45 PM
mkljmom's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 647
Thanks. I am so upset I'm still trying to calm down. Yeah...I got the whole "I work, that's MY job, the house is YOUR job" speech. He helps in spurts. Like...he will clean for 3 hours every other weekend. He isn't home through the week to really help do anything but make messes. My kids have chores but I guess I will have to amp it up.

It just really, really sucks when you already feel so guilty and constantly beat yourself up and someone harshly points it out to you. I am a good mom, I have great kids and overall I'm a pretty great person. I am flawed and not organized, but our house is not dirty. UGH...I'm hoping after some sleep tonight things won't seem so bad.
__________________
Mandy
wife to Richard
Mommy to Max 9/21/99, Lucy 8/9/05, Kirby 7/18/07, Jaycie 2/11/09, and expecting baby #5 5/6/14
Reply With Quote
  #4  
October 17th, 2013, 09:25 PM
Nel's Avatar
Nel Nel is offline
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 3,014
I remember hearing somewhere, a long time ago, something to the effect of

Nothing is more hurtful than having someone you love point out the flaws you already beat your self up about

People are allowed to have flaws and rough patches in life. I hope you can communicate to him that you already know things are tough right now and some compassion is what his wife is really needing
NewMami, Tree_Love and MommaBean18 like this.
__________________









Reply With Quote
  #5  
October 17th, 2013, 09:28 PM
Sheila
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 596
Oh my goodness I am so sorry! I have been doing next to nothing for weeks now, not even cooking very much at all, and my DH hasn't said a word. (I think he knows better. ) My kids have also had to pitch in way more than usual. My 9 and 7 year old have gotten really good at making breakfast and sandwiches for lunch. I keep fresh fruit around and baby carrots so they at least eat some nutrients, and they can get those things on their own. I have also been using this "laziness" as an opportunity to teach "life skills" from my chair. They are learning how to do laundry, fold clothes and towels and at night they each get one room where they have to pick up the floor. That way we can get out in a fire if necessary. (Trust me they don't do all of these things without complaining, I have had to get creative with consequences and rewards. )

Please don't beat yourself up, I am sorry he is being so insensitive, and to involve your mom is over the line, even if you had a great relationship with her. I would think this would definitely be something you would want to resolve between the two of you. Growing a human is hard work, as I am sure you know. The most important thing right now is for you to get your rest and make sure that little one grows healthy and strong!

Lots of hugs to you! Hopefully things will seem brighter tomorrow.
__________________
Sheila, loving wife to Patrick
and mom to Xavier (9), Gabriel (7), Michaela (4) and Dominic (2).
baby #5 05/16/13

Make a pregnancy ticker
Reply With Quote
  #6  
October 17th, 2013, 10:16 PM
bella88's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 4,056
Oh I'm so sorry that you have had to go through that . Mums can be great (and you sound like you're a wonderful mum ) and they can be horribly destructive to be around like your mum. I've been there and it sucks. I just have DH and I at home and I have been barely able to do anything. He does get a bit grumpy about it but what your DH and mother did was horrible. I know I have been able to hack cooking and cleaning and stuff at the moment, I have no idea how you cope to just keep the house running at all at the moment, even if it is a little bit chaotic. Huge for you, that stinks. Especially bringing your mum in, what a low move. If she's around and knows that you're pregnant then maybe, instead of being a nasty *****, she should give you a hand.
__________________






Reply With Quote
  #7  
October 18th, 2013, 02:45 AM
RedSoxFan84's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 453
That sounds awful, I am so sorry. I haven't cleaned anything in awhile, I am just too tired. I occasionally ask my husband to help out with a few things, sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't, I just let it go because it isn't worth the fight for me.

I would try and let things cool down and then talk to him about why he would do this, especially knowing your past history. I've had a tumultuous relationship with my mother and my husband really wants nothing to do with her because of what happened to me when I was younger. Sometimes I get upset because I wish everyone could just along. At the same time, I don't know what I would do if he ever sided with her, I just couldn't imagine.

Just tell yourself you are doing a great job, it sounds like you have some great kids. They sound 'lazy' if they are trying to pin everything on you considering your history, disability and current pregnancy. That's just not right.
__________________


Thanks Vicki... for my beautiful siggy!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
October 18th, 2013, 05:38 AM
girlsofsummer's Avatar Expecting baby #1
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Pittsburgh (Go Steelers!)
Posts: 2,362
It's almost laughable to read what you wrote, because I can't imagine anyone telling a pregnant, disabled mother of 5 that she "isn't doing enough." Like, really, you're kidding right? That's a funny joke.

Seriously though, I hope you are feeling better today -- I can imagine that with all you are going through that was a devastating conversation.

You KNOW you are a better mother than your mother. And undoubtedly you are offering your brother some stability that she can't give him. So try to keep perspective that you're obviously keeping the family together and doing what you can.
Nel, inyourhonor, xagamama and 3 others like this.
__________________
Mirielle Margaret born 4/24
Reply With Quote
  #9  
October 18th, 2013, 06:10 AM
Lyndsey2013's Avatar Mom to 2 + 3
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 848
Quote:
Originally Posted by mkljmom View Post
He helps in spurts. Like...he will clean for 3 hours every other weekend. He isn't home through the week to really help do anything but make messes.
Ugh. My SO is like this too - and he thinks he does ALL of the cleaning because when he cleans once a month he cleans most of the house. He thinks because I do a little at a time that I do nothing. He fails to see we have clean dishes every night because of the little I do every day, even if I do let the pots and pans build up. (I do.)

Men are so frustrating. I'm sorry he brought your mom into the situation. I would feel so angry and violated. I wish you luck in all of this, there can't be any easy solution. Are you still seeing a therapist or have you talked to your doctor? Maybe they could help you work through your feelings more?
__________________
Juliana Rose, 1/7/13



Gabriel Tomás, 4/29/14
Reply With Quote
  #10  
October 18th, 2013, 09:40 AM
ToMuchElmo's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: New York State
Posts: 336
I am speechless.

I get mad because DH won't lift a finger, but he also doesn't complain about the house being trashed, he can't, because he doesn't help. I would lose it if he actually brought up our house. The first trimester of pregnacy is disabling in itself, let alone add more issues to it.

I don't even know what to say. I have a few choice words for your 'mother' and husband, but I'd be sure to be banned if I used them. Unreal
Tree_Love likes this.
__________________
Mom to 5
Reply With Quote
  #11  
October 18th, 2013, 09:45 AM
Masesmama's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 439
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope that you're able to come to a solution that works well for everyone and keeps you all happy and healthy. Do what you can, ask for help where you need it. I know we are all having a hard time keeping up and I can't imagine with 5 kids in the house. I'd definitely sit down with the older kids and let them know you need their help. Talk to DH about what is "reasonable" to expect from him since he is gone so much. my husband came home a few days ago and told me "I can't handle this house. This is not our house. We need to clean up" and I had to get up and help him even though I felt like crap and could care less what the house looks like, I was glad it got done. It's not fun when family has to say things like that to you. Try to prioritize what you can and don't let anyone make you feel bad when you don't get it all done. It's life, it will never be perfect. It's a tough battle to be in between all the kids and a working husband who doesn't realize just how much you do. I'm about 12 loads behind on laundry right now lol. We have all been there before too. I know this is all over the place but just do what you can, don't stress yourself out and know you are not alone
__________________
Mommy to Mason, Jan. 2010

Expecting Baby Boy #2!


Due May 12, 2014!

Reply With Quote
  #12  
October 18th, 2013, 10:12 AM
anjewellove's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 838
Im so upset for you!

I would talk to your husband about what happened and how you felt like it was a slap in the face. For your husband to go to you with concern is one thing but to involve your mother who you don't have a great relationship is another. I feel he went about it completely the wrong way and you need to tell him so!

I have 2 kids and I seriously have been doing the bare minimum! My 6 year old helps out so much & so does my husband but they are also the ones that make the biggest messes! Yesterday DH and I cleaned the downstairs thouroughly but I really only cleaned the living room, with a TON of breaks, and there wasn't much to clean other than the crap that gets under the couch!

I'm sure your 3 oldest could help a lot!
My 6 year old (same age as your #3)
*cleans the living room & family room
*vacuums
*cleans his room (which is also his brothers room)
*He also cleans the foster care bedroom if we have babies in the house but it's more of a throw the toys in the bin type of thing.
*cleans his bathroom (minus mopping, little boys bathrooms....need I say more?) takes out the kitchen trash & puts a new bag in
*gets all the dirty clothes and makes sure they get to the laundry room

DH cleans
kitchen but I do dishes if he's not home & they need to be done
downstairs bathroom (its connected to the kitchen...i know, ewww)

So that only leaves me with
my bedroom & bathroom (neither ever get dirty)
the loft (im the only one that uses so stays clean)
Laundry

Easy Peasy
Reply With Quote
  #13  
October 18th, 2013, 10:39 AM
mkljmom's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 647
I just want to tell you all THANK YOU!! Your words of encouragement are really keeping me sane. I talked to my OB and family doc today and they both think returning to counseling is a good idea to help me so I'm going to try to get an appointment next week. At my OB appmnt today my no was 147/87. I'm usually 90's /50's. I know it's the stress of the situation.

I will hash this out w DH EVENTUALLY, but I'm honestly not in the headspace to have a healthy interaction with him right now. It is going to take some time.
Nel, inyourhonor, joanna26 and 3 others like this.
__________________
Mandy
wife to Richard
Mommy to Max 9/21/99, Lucy 8/9/05, Kirby 7/18/07, Jaycie 2/11/09, and expecting baby #5 5/6/14
Reply With Quote
  #14  
October 18th, 2013, 11:03 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,387
((hugs))

I would feel so betrayed if my husband brought in an outsider...especially if I had issues with that person from a long time ago.

I'm sure you aren't lazy! You are pregnant! It's hard some days to have the energy or motivation to cook, clean etc. I don't feel like doing anything most days and I only have 1 kid to deal with! Looking back your kids aren't going to wish your house was cleaner...they are going to look back and realize how great a mom you are! Being a great mom doesn't have much to do with cleaning (imo). My mom literally had OCD and while I wouldn't classify her as a bad mom, I sure wish she would have spent more time with my brother and me and less time cleaning.

Also, if they both think it's so bad why don't they friggin lend a hand instead of sit there and *****?! If I saw a pregnant mom struggling in the first tri I would offer to help, not try to make her feel like ****. Jeez.
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #15  
October 18th, 2013, 01:46 PM
Tree_Love's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Central California
Posts: 3,088
Quote:
Originally Posted by girlsofsummer View Post
It's almost laughable to read what you wrote, because I can't imagine anyone telling a pregnant, disabled mother of 5 that she "isn't doing enough." Like, really, you're kidding right? That's a funny joke.

Seriously though, I hope you are feeling better today -- I can imagine that with all you are going through that was a devastating conversation.

You KNOW you are a better mother than your mother. And undoubtedly you are offering your brother some stability that she can't give him. So try to keep perspective that you're obviously keeping the family together and doing what you can.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ToMuchElmo View Post
I am speechless.

I get mad because DH won't lift a finger, but he also doesn't complain about the house being trashed, he can't, because he doesn't help. I would lose it if he actually brought up our house. The first trimester of pregnacy is disabling in itself, let alone add more issues to it.

I don't even know what to say. I have a few choice words for your 'mother' and husband, but I'd be sure to be banned if I used them. Unreal
What they said. I cannot even believe he had the audacity to bring in your mom especially with your history. Want a handy tip? Do something nice for him. Like his laundry. When my grandma found out my grandpa was having an affair she loved doing his laundry. She would wash his underwear with a ton of bleach and then not rinse them before drying them. So ya know, he got a chemical burn on his butt and other, areas.
Nel likes this.
__________________


Elan Dakota 7/28/2012
Paxx Tarlow & Sage Finley 10/20/2012
Rhys Caelan 5/3/2013

Reply With Quote
  #16  
October 18th, 2013, 02:24 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,767
***?!? I am so sorry girl That is absolutely horrible of both of them, but mostly your DH. Grrr, I seriously want to have a "talk" with him myself. How dare he treat you that way?!? When a woman is pregnant her full-time job is growing a baby, anything else you accomplish is gravy. JM will not let me use the words I need to really tell you how I feel I seriously hope you kicked both of them out of the house. If my DH pulled that crap he would be finding a new place to sleep for a while.
__________________

Reply With Quote
  #17  
October 18th, 2013, 04:06 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 161
I am the same way my house is by far organized!!! It's lived in!!! I don't have energy to do much I can't!! My mom lives with us and she drives me crazy so I understand!!! Hope things get better!!!
__________________

Thank You *Kiliki* For My Siggy



Cassie Engaged To Mathew & Mommy To MiKaylah







Reply With Quote
  #18  
October 18th, 2013, 06:10 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 164
My house is looking how I feel....exhausted! And it's just me and my hubby. He dares not say anything, instead he silently tries to pick up here and there. It has not always been that way. I've had to set him straight a time or two, but he eventually caught on. Try not to let them stress you. They will only do what you allow them. Focus on the blessing that you are carrying. An unorganized house can always be cleaned at a later time or by someone else. Heck, he should have called your mom to help HIM clean! You are a grown woman, wth is your mom supposed to do? Come to YOUR home and punish you for being pregnant and exhausted? The next time she comes trying to speak negatively to you, politely (since we are supposed to respect our parents..lol) walk to the door and invite her back to her home. And tell your husband that he was way out of line. Instead of pointing fingers he should give you a hand. So what if he works and you don't. You take care of your kids and your brother. That's a job in itself. This is not 1950 and your name is not June Cleaver...lol. Ok, I'm done ranting...but I hope you don't let it get to you too much.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #19  
October 19th, 2013, 09:22 AM
ashleyjo's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 4,878
I am SO SO sorry.. That's just awful..
__________________
Ashley
Wife to Ray, mama to Colin (4), Brock (2) & expecting our baby GIRL 10.20.2014


Reply With Quote
  #20  
October 19th, 2013, 02:43 PM
inyourhonor's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Metro Detroit
Posts: 17,591
All the other ladies have said everything I would have. I'm so so sorry they did this to you, it's horrible of them! *hugs* I'm glad to hear you're going to go back into counseling for yourself. A swift kick to the you know what might help your husband also -.-
__________________


Killian Rivers born April 17th at 36 weeks



Killian's Birth Story
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:06 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0