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Why does everyone expect me to be over it!


Forum: Loss of a Child

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  #1  
March 14th, 2009, 05:57 PM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I have never posted here before. My name is jennifer and I lost my daughter two months ago today due to overwhelming sepsis caused by a disease called NEC. http://www.justmommies.com/forums/sh....php?t=1394900 (The most painful day of my life)



Today I have reached my peak, I have no one to talk to, I feel like everyone has moved on and expect me to as well. Yesterday my mother and sister in law came to help me put the nursery together, my mother was buying the crib. They went out shopping together all day then came to my house at 2pm and dropped off a crib. Told my husband and I to put it together and to sort the clothes in the nursery and get them out of the way. They were supposed to0 be helping me with this but instead they decided to go visit someone in my family that had a baby last week. I thought this was my mothers day to come down and celebrate Lillian's homecoming from the nicu. They said they would be back in two hours and will put up some more stuff they bought and visit with the baby. we put together the crib and my husband went to his mothers house. I starting sorting through the mountain of baby clothes by size. I had avoided doing it because i hate having to put genevive's things away. 6 hours go by and I figured they werent coming. By this time though i was so upset about genevive i was balling my eyes out, no one was there my husband still wasnt home. All of a sudden they showed up 4 hours late. my sister in law tells me when i get like that I need to just go play with lillian and get my mind off of it. and then they are putting things up in the nursery, setting up the crib linens and curtains right around me sitting on the floor like I am not there. 15 minutes flat they throw this stuff up and then my sister in law says to her daughter to get her coat on. I go in the nursery and ask my mom if they are leaving, she says yes she really can't be around all this negativity. My sister in law is angry at me for being grumpy, and storms out of the hosue without even saying goodbye, telling my neice "you don't need to be around people like that"

I am in such shock, Since genevive passed away no one hardly even talks to me anymore, and when they do it is just about lillian anyhow. And the one day I can't put on a happy face I am treated so poorly. I feel like everyone wants me to pretend she didn't exist. Just because I have Lillian doesn't make it any easier, in fact I think it makes it harder.

i don't know why it is hitting me so hard right now, maybe because it is the first time I don't have the NICU to distract me from it. It is so unfair, like this isn't hard enough

Anyway sorry about my rambling, i just don't know what to do with myself, i don't even have anyone to talk to anymore.

Last edited by Delekatala; March 14th, 2009 at 06:00 PM.
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  #2  
March 14th, 2009, 07:10 PM
*Bobbie*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I was re-linking my fav's on the boards since the switch and came across your post....

Big huge I am sorry they are acting so hurtful. I really don't have any advice... I have never lost a living child. I just want to say my heart goes out to you. You do not have to "get over it". I think that is a pain that you will never be over. I have a feeling some days are just easier to get through.

Can you try and find a support group near you? I know you probably don't have any free time...you do have your hands full.... but it may be worth it to make the time just to be able to have people around you who understand the loss you have gone through.

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On 1/31/12 at exactly 16 weeks pregnant Noah came too soon. He was our 7th loss
If you would like to see pictures of my sweet (but tiny) boy they can be viewed at www.caringbridge.org/visit/noahdarrohn they aren't the easiest pictures to look at but I am willing to share them with anyone who would like to see them <3
On August 2, 2012 we lost Sarah at 17 weeks. She was our 8th loss Her pictures can be viewed at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarahdarrohn
There is no known explanation for my losses.

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  #3  
March 15th, 2009, 02:08 PM
Sebastians_mom
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I am so sorry your family would treat you like that. Sometimes I really don't understand how people who are meant to be close to us can really be that insensitive.

Sadly there are always going to be people who think you should just get over it. Like you with Lillian some people in my life think because I am having another baby I shouldn't be sad anymore and I should just get over it. It makes me sad and mad that they just don't understand.

We all understand how you are feeling, I'd expect many more moments and triggers that will upset you, just remember even though some people may be instensitive and rude to you, there are women out there who do understand and we are ALWAYS here to listen.

I am sure setting up the nursery was a very painful experience and I wish I could give you a huge hug.
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  #4  
March 15th, 2009, 03:09 PM
cam & sami's mom's Avatar Super Mommy
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I get that too. My son died on October 30, 2008 of leukemia after a 5 1/2 year battle. There are many, many people who think I should be over it by now - "it's been almost 5 months, why are you still so upset everyday?" is one I got recently. I will never "get over this." I'm trying to not let it completely ruin my life, but I will never get over the hurt of watching my son die. I don't know why people, especially family, have to be so insensitive.
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  #5  
March 15th, 2009, 04:53 PM
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Welcome Jennifer. I read your story about your Genevieve when it happened and it broke my heart. The photo you posted of your angel has brought back a lot of memories and reminds me so much of my angel.

Calypso also died due to complications of NEC.

I'm sorry that people are expecting you to move on. Unfortunately this is something common we loss moms experience. As well as silly platitudes that upset us. Having your Lillian with you doesn't make it easier because Lillian is not and will NEVER replace Genevieve and I'm so sorry no one else can see and understand this.

It's been over 18 months for me and I still cry for my baby girl. Please know if you need us we are here for you hun
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  #6  
March 15th, 2009, 08:41 PM
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I am so sorry.... I don't have many words of advice tonight since I had a breakdown earlier after looking through some photos of my son, Isaac, and remembering our time together. It's a pain and grief no one understands unless it has happened to them. This is a wonderful group of women who are here to listen, support, and encourage one another. Isaac was called home to heaven almost three years ago and I still cry some days. It's something we will never "get over".... it's a part of our lives forever.
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  #7  
March 16th, 2009, 03:19 PM
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I am so sorry that people are so cruel. I can not believe how your family is acting. I know their are no words that I can say that will make things easier. I had some people think i should be over losing Madison. They do not understand that it is something that will always be with you. I know how hard it is to have twins and lose one. I lost Madison after McKenzie came home. HUGS!
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  #8  
March 16th, 2009, 05:49 PM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks for all of the lovely replies. I am reaching a stage where I want to talk about it, but there is no one to talk to. I get the impression I grieve very differently than most people, maybe that is why people are uncomfortable.
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  #9  
March 16th, 2009, 07:52 PM
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Jenny- everyone truly does grieve differently. I've felt strange around other bereaved mommies because I didn't go through the anger thing. I don't avoid pg moms or babies (save some personal situations with people who I don't like anyway) I'm not angry at God never have been, a lot of that stuff
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  #10  
March 17th, 2009, 05:47 AM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AndromedaRayne View Post
Jenny- everyone truly does grieve differently. I've felt strange around other bereaved mommies because I didn't go through the anger thing. I don't avoid pg moms or babies (save some personal situations with people who I don't like anyway) I'm not angry at God never have been, a lot of that stuff
That is how I have been. I chose to stay in the same bay with Lillian, I don't blame the hospital, there was nothing they could do, I saw the xrays and watched everything unfold. I enjoy talking about her and looking at her photos. The only people I am friendly with from the nicu still one is a twin mom and one is a triplet mom. I am so afraid people will forget about her though, My baby shower had a ton of people, and all the cards said to Jenny and lillian. Not a single one acknowledged genevive. I was so upset afterwards, it was like she never existed. I don't want to avoid the situation, I want to celebrate the awesome 16 days we had. But no one else does.
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  #11  
March 17th, 2009, 08:27 AM
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Jenny- are you planning on doing thank you notes for the babyshower gifts? If so then I'd put Genevive's name on the thank you notes like 'and angel Genevive' it's likely that everyone is thinking that you WANT to forget her so maybe you putting that will kind of be a wake up call for people.

People like to pretend that babies don't die because it makes them uncomfortable and they like to pretend it didn't happen. Doesn't make it right at all but it's how people are
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  #12  
March 17th, 2009, 09:15 AM
claire1979's Avatar mummy to a special angel
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hun im sorry that u ve had to join here :hugs:

while its ok for people ( those who dont know the terrible pain ) to say get over it they do NOT know how to get over something as terible as the loss of a baby/child while it flows so freely from the mouths u can not ever get over the loss or ever forget your loss u just find it a little easier to live with time may be a great healer but doent by far make u get over it!!!

it may be a little harder to celebrate the life of one baby while u mourn the loss of another im so sorry
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  #13  
March 17th, 2009, 07:48 PM
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I'm sorry they didn't say anything or include Genevieve.... I would have been hurt too. HUGS! When I send out my Christmas picture card to family and close friends, I still include Isaac's name. He's a part ofour family and always will be.....
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  #14  
March 18th, 2009, 09:57 AM
Jodi Dawn's Avatar Host of the Jan-July 05 P
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hugs I am very sorry hun. Your mom and SIL should be there to support you and not get mad at your for missing your daughter.

and Jenny we are all here for you to talk to. I have never been in any of the situations here but I am here to help support all of you. I know that the ladies who have lost a child are great ladies and have great advice
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  #15  
May 22nd, 2009, 08:03 PM
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I'm so sorry about your loss. I lost my Aleah 3 years ago, and I'm still not over it. Your posts title stuck out to me because about a month after Aleah's death, people started asking me how long they expected them to forgive my mood. It was horrible and I lost a lot of friends.

Secondly, I don't know much about your story, but I've surmised you had twins! I too had twins. Mine were born at 30 weeks. Mine also had huge weight differences. Did your girls have TTTS in utero. Aleah got NEC, although it did not kill her is a miracle in itself because she was septic for over a week before receiving a correct diagnosis. By then the damage had been done and she had to have 4 surgeries before she came home at 6 months old- trached and on a ventilator. She died at home at 9 months and 11 days old.

I think the only difference in our story is that my smaller twin died. I'd love to talk to you anytime you need it.

Just remember that you have a right to grieve. There is a book that you can get on Amazon called Always my Twin. I bought it when Aleah died, but just gave it to Ada for their 3rd birthday just 2 weeks ago.
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  #16  
May 22nd, 2009, 10:25 PM
~~~Sue~~~'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so sorry you have to deal with this... I have a thing that was given to us by the hospice care that came to our house when William passed and I will send it to you via email and post it here as well but it says to not stop talking about your child or remove pictures or anything else it is to be given to those close to you so they can "try" to understand what we go through every day!! Hugs to you!!
sue
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