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I really am tired of marking time. Soon, very soon, I will stop marking her death in months and will start marking it in years. The last couple of days, I have been thinking of day that she died. I got up that morning at 5am like I did every morning so I could spend a couple of hours with her before shift change. I went to the chapel like I did every morning before going into the PICU and on that morning, I prayed the prayer no Mother ever wants to have to pray. But because being a parent is the most selfless act one will ever play out in their life, I basically asked God to either heal her or take her, but it cant go on like this. Full support for 6 days and every time they try to wean she crashes. It can’t go on. As I was leaving the chapel 2 things happened…as I walked out the door, I heard clear as day “Today is the day”, instead of going into the PICU I walked outside of Children’s and found someone with a cigarette and for the first time in 10 years I smoked. I finished that cigarette in what seemed like 3 inhales.
I didn’t think about what I heard leaving the chapel again that day until Dr. Levine came and woke me up just as I dreamt D’Lon was holding onto my leg. What I know now is the dream I was having prior to them coming to ask if we wanted them to try to save her was her coming to me at the time of her death because 7 minutes later they told us they were unable to get her back. I chose not to be in the room when they tried because I knew in my heart she was already gone and I was already in survival mode. I knew I did not need that image in my head, as it was bad enough I am going to have to live with images of me and my husband holding our most precious blessing lifeless body.
I had a revelation a few months ago. I believe, no I know that D’Lon died on September 20th when we left out of home in the ambulance. Yes she hung on for 6 days but that was for us to come to grip with the fact that there was a real possibility that we were going to lose our girl. I feel God and my beautiful baby girl allowed me to feel like I was somewhat in control because they knew when I prayed that prayer on the morning September 26, 2008, I understood that I had to love her enough to let her go. Dr. Levine came and got me at 9:40pm and she was pronounced as 9:47 pm. The first person to came to mind after he walked back in that conference room was Kate St.Clair and a sentence from her blog and I said aloud to no one really “she was snatched away, just like that".
Rest in Paradise My Love….I miss you every second of every day. Every day that we live, we’re a day closer to you, still trying to make you proud as we promised we’d do.