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I just really wanted to share the blog post i made today.....
It is interesting how things suddenly hit you. I woke up today to Jay loving the baby and me with the sun trying to trickle in through the curtains. All i was thinking of was how much i loved our family and how much we're looking forward to meeting this new little one.
And then, after Jay left for training, i sat at the computer and i realized the date, it was like a bus came out of nowhere and ran me over.
That is because today is July 21st.
July 21st was Grace's due date.
If life had been "perfect", if we had never received that awful news, if everything would have been fine, our daughter would be turning a year old right around now.
A year old.
What would she be like right now? If everything had been 'normal', what would our daughter be like? Would her smile be big and contagious like mine? Or would it be more like her daddy's, sly and with laughing eyes? What would her laugh sound like? Would she squeal with delight when her daddy came home from work? Would she be walking? Would she have us chase her around the house? Would she love hugs and cuddles? Or would she rather do her own thing? What would she be like if she were a year old right now?
It is so hard for me to imagine those things, because it is not my reality.
My reality is that my daughter had a fatal abnormality with her kidneys and died after she was born. My reality is that i only got to hold my daughter for hours, instead of years. My reality is that i never got to see my daughter open her eyes and cry, let alone smile, giggle and laugh and babble away at us. My reality is i didn't even know my daughter was alive while i held her in my arms, that she never got the chance to hear me say 'I love you' before she died.
My reality is i had to watch while someone took my daughter away from me, covering her with a blanket like she was something shameful, and walk out the door not knowing when i'd be able to see her again, not being able to control the tears and sobs because i never wanted to let her go. My reality is laying in bed that first night wishing we could rush back to the hospital and scoop our daughter back into our arms and never let her go, protect her from what was going to happen.
My reality is having to place my daughter in her casket knowing that i'd never be able to see her again in this life.
Sometimes, i really think that my reality sucks.
Yes, i said it.
I wonder why this had to happen to me, to us, to our daughter, why couldn't it be someone else? Why did we have to go through this trial? What did we do wrong to deserve this reality? But what is our reality?
What is it really? That we had the most beautiful daughter. That i got to carry her with me for a precious 32 weeks. That i got to feel her kick me, telling me that she loved me. That i got to hold an angel, knowing that she was absolutely perfect, that she would never have to feel the pain of this world. That my daughter is so perfect she got to go straight to heaven and that every day she is trying to help her mommy and daddy so they can join her some day, because she wants to see us again so bad. That because of this trial, my eyes have been opened to the struggles of others and i am able to hold out a hand and say 'i understand' and really mean it. That i get to help others through their hurt and pain.
That because we lost our first child we are now welcoming our second into the world very soon.
If Grace had not died, we wouldn't be bringing this new soul onto the earth at this time. And because of Grace, i am a better mother, Jay is a better father. We cherish our children, we are thankful for every day we have with them (even though one of them is not 'with' us). We will hold them close and always let them know how much they are loved, that they are the greatest blessing in our lives.
I miss my daughter more than anyone can understand. My heart is still broken and bleeding from the pain of loosing her. I still struggle with trying to carry on a 'normal' life and some days i am so overwhelmed with everything that i wonder how i will ever be able to carry on.
Yes, this little new soul is bringing some happiness into our lives, but they will never be able to fill the empty spot in our hearts where Grace belongs. She will always be a part of our family and she will always be missed.
She will always be remembered.
We love you Grace.
The most important work we will ever do is within the walls of our own home ~Harold B. Lee