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I have not lost a child but I have a question.


Forum: Loss of a Child

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  #1  
August 11th, 2010, 01:21 PM
challowell's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I have a mother in law who lost her third son in 1988 at 3 months old. He rolled off a regular bed and got stuck between the bed and wall and sufficated. My husband was 3 and in the hospital at the time. She was a heavy drug user at the time and puts part of the blame of James' death on Carl's hospitalization and most of it on Carl's Dad.

Now that Carl is an adult she spoiles our girls like crazy. Jamie, my youngest is named after James. My questions are on James' angel day she constantly calls my house to check on all of us and if we are not home she will call everywhere we go to find out if we are ok. Is this the way a lot of you guys cope or is this part of her bipolar disorder? I love her and am glad she is clean now but I worry this is not good on her health.

My other question is she blames her ex for the death of James and my husband because of this has not talked to his dad since he was 6. He is now dying and I Got the only picture of james in my posession because my mother in law can't look at it anymore. His dad sent it addressed to me. He wants to see his Grandkids before he goes but Carl will not talk to him or even send a card thanking him for the photo. Should I push him to forgive him or let him work it out for himself.

Sorry this is long but any advise you could give me is greatly appreciated because I know James was a special child and I just want his angel day to be a day that is special and not stressful on her.
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  #2  
August 11th, 2010, 01:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by challowell View Post
Now that Carl is an adult she spoiles our girls like crazy. Jamie, my youngest is named after James. My questions are on James' angel day she constantly calls my house to check on all of us and if we are not home she will call everywhere we go to find out if we are ok. Is this the way a lot of you guys cope or is this part of her bipolar disorder? I love her and am glad she is clean now but I worry this is not good on her health.
It sounds like PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She is likely scared something will happen to Carl on James's angel day. There is a chance she's not even aware she's scared of it Poor woman. Could you maybe light a candle for James and take photos for her? It will likely make her feel very loved to know that you are remembering James with her

I've never called anyone on my daughter's angel day and probably won't but I know on July 7, I'm extra paranoid, just expecting something bad to happen.

Quote:
Originally Posted by challowell View Post
My other question is she blames her ex for the death of James and my husband because of this has not talked to his dad since he was 6. He is now dying and I Got the only picture of james in my posession because my mother in law can't look at it anymore. His dad sent it addressed to me. He wants to see his Grandkids before he goes but Carl will not talk to him or even send a card thanking him for the photo. Should I push him to forgive him or let him work it out for himself.

Sorry this is long but any advise you could give me is greatly appreciated because I know James was a special child and I just want his angel day to be a day that is special and not stressful on her.
I think this is something you should leave alone really. Your husband is an adult and you can't push him to do something he doesn't want to do. There is likely some underlying issues that you don't know about or no one has told you. So that is something I'd leave alone personally.
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  #3  
August 11th, 2010, 02:07 PM
challowell's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I never thought about PTSD but that does make sense. I know she cannot bring herself to go to James' grave because someone in the family put up a gravestone that she can't stand(that is what she says). I think part of it is guilt. She used cocaine and several other drugs at that point in her life and She told me she quit using the day james died. I know she kinda lives james life through Jamie because several times when we have been to her house she will call Jamie James. The only pic of James is of hom in his casket at the funeral, but he did look a lot like Jamie. I just feel weird listening to her talk about James and maybe it is because she compares Jamie to him.
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  #4  
August 15th, 2010, 01:17 PM
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I wish I could give you advice, but as I've not been in this situation I can't. Does she have a psychiatrist? You may want to talk to him/her about it
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  #5  
August 16th, 2010, 07:50 AM
challowell's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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She has not seen a psychatrist since she was a child. The main reason was the doctor said she had severe bipolar disorder and would not live to see adulthood. I know she has been in the psychatric unit twice in her adult life but she will not see another psychatrist or take any meds.
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  #6  
September 16th, 2010, 08:27 PM
challowell's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I just wanted you ladies to know today was James' 23 birthday. Me, Carl and the girls went up to his Grave. His Mom did not come with us but was glad that we went. I am trying to understand her I know I could Never fully understand how you ladies feel but I am letting her know that James has not been forgotten.
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  #7  
September 19th, 2010, 09:49 AM
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I'm so glad that you guys helped remember James <3
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