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  #1  
August 16th, 2010, 07:55 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 24
**hope I'm posting this in the right spot***

Hi, I'm new to this forum, but didn't see the group til today. Our son, Nicholas, was born 5.23.07 and passed away just a few days shy of 21 months on 2.19.09. He was our only child, my bio and his not bio. But he loved that little boy like his own....Just a brief history...I was 6 months when my DH and I got together...sperm donor (SD) didn't want to be involved and I was ok with that. Nicholas was born 2 days before his due date and he was born with Esphogeal Atresia (EA). We had no idea anything was wrong before he was born. He spent 5 months in 2 NICU's. One 15 minutes from home and the other 2 hours in chicago. I lived in chi-town for those 2 months with my DH commuting on his off days. Nicholas had mulitple surgeries and had been doing great til he got an ear infection and aspirated. He swallowed formula into his lungs...he had a feeding tube from day 1. Aspiration is always a risk with the kids with EA, his esphogas was in 2 pieces with a 4cm gap between the 2 ends til a surgery when he was 18 months old and took part of his colon to make an esphogas for him. When he died it was like our world ended. He was fine just cranky for new teeth and ear infection, then I took him to er at 9 30 on a wednesday and he was gone by 7 30 thursday. He was in his ped's office on monday and his lungs were great!! It happened that quick. Here it is a year and a half later and not a day goes by lately that the loss still feels as raw as it did last year. We've been TTC for the last almost 9 months and prior to Nicholas's death for 1 yr before. We did testing and everything is fine, but I'm so worried that I'll never hold my child again. Sadly adoption isn't an option for us financially anytime soon. I have over 1000 pics of our angel and there are so many times that I wanna take them down but I have never brought myself to do it. I'm trying to move thru the motions everyday and trying to relax where we can get pregnant but its so hard when my heart hurts this bad. I do good most days but its usually when noone is looking that I sit and cry. I never thought you could miss someone this much til my angel left us. I've talked to pastor, counsler and family, but none of them truly understand. I am really new to this site and didn't even realize this thread/group was here til tonight. sorry for the book but its comforting to know that I'm not alone in this. M/C people talk about, but toddler/child death is almost taboo for everyone in my world but me....
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  #2  
August 17th, 2010, 04:14 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 9,769
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Nicholas. I lost my little girl in 2007 at 23 days old. We're not having anymore after her, I do have two older children though. But losing one and not being able to have more hurts badly.

We've got Calypso's photo up and I'll probably leave them up till I die.
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  #3  
August 17th, 2010, 05:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *~Lissa~* View Post
I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet Nicholas. I lost my little girl in 2007 at 23 days old. We're not having anymore after her, I do have two older children though. But losing one and not being able to have more hurts badly.

We've got Calypso's photo up and I'll probably leave them up till I die.
Thank you for the welcome. Nicholas was our only and when he died we talked possibly maybe not having anymore when he died, but we both wanted 1 more. I have pictures galore up of Nicholas, not his last day because I still can't look at those without crying, but his others...My kid was a smiley baby (got that from his mommy) and he loved the camera. I'm so worried if we do get preggo soon that we'll constantly be comparing everything to Nicholas and his ordeal. I don't wanna do that and I'm trying hard to change my way of thinking so I don't do that. One of our mantra's has been that we were lucky, we got to enjoy alot of moments with Nicholas and so many parents didn't. I couldn't imagine what you've gone thru with losing your little girl. We brought Nicholas home, he was talking and walking. My heart breaks because Lissa I can't even think what would have been if we weren't blessed with our time with him..I hope that makes sense.
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  #4  
August 19th, 2010, 10:31 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: 54529
Posts: 174
I am so sorry for your loss. We lost our daugther, Elise, in February, she was 15 months old. Everything happened very quick for us as well. She was a very happy and healthy baby until she wasn't. She got her diagnosis (Dilated cardiomyopathy and possible mito) exactly a month before she passed away.

I know there isn't anything I can say to help ease the pain, but just know you aren't alone. My husband and I just made the decision to try to get pregnant again. We will take it month by month and keep re-evaluating how we feel. If we choose not to have a biological child, we have decided to move forward with embryo donation (much cheaper than traditional adoption). I guess it is one of those decisions that you don't know what you decide until it's decided.

Hang in there and let me know if you want to talk.
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  #5  
August 20th, 2010, 12:29 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Indiana
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dizy1j62881 View Post
Thank you for the welcome. Nicholas was our only and when he died we talked possibly maybe not having anymore when he died, but we both wanted 1 more. I have pictures galore up of Nicholas, not his last day because I still can't look at those without crying, but his others...My kid was a smiley baby (got that from his mommy) and he loved the camera. I'm so worried if we do get preggo soon that we'll constantly be comparing everything to Nicholas and his ordeal. I don't wanna do that and I'm trying hard to change my way of thinking so I don't do that. One of our mantra's has been that we were lucky, we got to enjoy alot of moments with Nicholas and so many parents didn't. I couldn't imagine what you've gone thru with losing your little girl. We brought Nicholas home, he was talking and walking. My heart breaks because Lissa I can't even think what would have been if we weren't blessed with our time with him..I hope that makes sense.
Hugs!! Some comparison's are ok I think. I do some myself. I'll look at my little girls get older and think 'I wonder if Calypso would be doing this now' Don't be scared of that part of it. That is part of grieving I think. My husbands grandmother lost her first child at 3 weeks old in 1954 and went on to have 5 more children. And she did a little bit of comparison too, so it is ok as long as it's not consuming your every thought and you aren't living. Does that make sense?

I do hope you get preggo soon sweetie! <3 Please keep us updated
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  #6  
August 24th, 2010, 07:13 PM
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hugs sending my thoughts and prayers your way. also sending baby dust your way
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