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  #1  
November 23rd, 2010, 05:52 AM
KaiyaRae'sMomma's Avatar Forever missing Kaiya Rae
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 2,840
I can't believe I am here. I am still in shock that this has actually happened. How on Earth do you get passed the "WHY ME?"'s and the "What did I do wrongs?"'s. How do you make your heart stop hurting and your arms stop longing to hold her. How do you close your eyes and see her smile, instead of her face all full of tubes? Kaiya was a perfect little baby girl, so healthy, and happy. Always smiling and cooing. No sign of illness or injury. I just don't understand why her breath would just stop, for no reason at all. We followed all the safe sleepy practices, and as far as we know so did the sitter. My heart aches. My body aches. My soul is empty. I am so angry.
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  #2  
November 23rd, 2010, 08:22 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 734
I'm so sorry.. Kaiya was beautiful.. Time is the only thing that makes things a little easier and even then you'll still have moments of "why me" or "why my baby"..
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  #3  
November 23rd, 2010, 10:08 AM
Heaven's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 9,436
Lurking from Jan 2010 PR...been thinking about you all along though even if I don't actually know you. Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss.

Time will heal things. The only way you can get past the "Why me" is if you think of this as a test...a test from God. Life always throws us BIG obstacles. Hang in there hun. Time will heal your pain. May she rest in peace *hugs*
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  #4  
November 23rd, 2010, 01:19 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,118
I am from the Jan 2008 and the May 2010 boards and your loss has touched my life. There are no words to bring comfort to you .. it just simply is not fair! I am so angry for you and I question God as to why he decided to take your little girl and He has not given any answers. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
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  #5  
November 23rd, 2010, 01:57 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Grand Rapids Michigan United States
Posts: 2,890
It took me a long time to get past the Why Me? The pain still is their after close to 3 years. It is not as intense. It has made me a stronger person and has changed my marriage. I just lost my Mom November 8th. It has certainly made me stronger in dealing with everything. It has also made me a more patient mom to McKenzie. I had identical twins born at 28 weeks and Madison was born with a left sided Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. We had 5 months with her. She defied all the odds and was a miracle to be with us for 5 months and 2 days. It was a tough 5 months in the NICU but cherish every moment even the hard tough ones. All I can say is cherish your memories. HUGS! I wish no mom had to ever lose their baby! So unfair!

Laura
Mom to McKenzie and Madison
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  #6  
November 23rd, 2010, 02:07 PM
MellieB's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Melbourne, Aust.
Posts: 64,110
I still question why me? Even after over 2 years, the pain is still raw and hurts. Zac spent most of his life with at least one tube on his little face, but I do get terrible flashbacks to the night he died. MY DH was with him at the time and when I got to the ER the first things I saw was no activity on the monitor, a nurse compressing his chest, and another nurse bagging air into him. When I get those flashes, I try just to replace them in my mind with an image of Zac smiling or being cheeky, he was a very cheeky boy. It helps somewhat.

Time will help somewhat, but Kaiya will always be your baby girl and the hurt and pain will always be there in small amounts at times, and in larger amounts at other times.

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  #7  
November 23rd, 2010, 04:54 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: 37043
Posts: 686
I am so sorry that you have to be here. I can't even imagine how it feels to have your baby be healthy and happy only to die suddenly. We knew Maggie was only going to be with us a short while. In some ways that kind of soften the blow a little.
It is still hard everyday and I still do the "what if's". Unfortunately your life from now on be that way. Which really sucks!

Like Mellie said she will always be your baby girl no more what even through the pain.

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  #8  
November 23rd, 2010, 05:50 PM
momtothe3rdpower's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 3,647
Andrea, I can't answer your questions, although I wish I could. I am so glad you are here though because many people who have never suffered as you have just don't know what to say or how to help you cope. Sometimes they end up doing nothing because of it. I am one of those people. I am so afraid I don't know how to help. All I can say is Sweet Baby Kaiya is in complete eternal peace and bliss. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. Heal the way you feel is best. Don't feel like you are moving too fast or too slow, you will just know. With hugs and lots of love, DeeAnne from your June room....
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  #9  
November 23rd, 2010, 06:03 PM
Mom.to.PinknBlue's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Lame-o Illinois
Posts: 12,234
I wish I had some answers for you Andrea. And every day I will pray for you and Karl and I will forever hold Kaiya in my heart. She was and is and beautiful little girl and so happy all the time.
I wish i could just be there and give you the biggest hugs and cry with you. God gained a perfect angel on 11.17.10. She was an angel here on earth and now will forever be looking down on you and Karl and all of her JM aunties knowing how loved she is.
Love you girl.
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  #10  
November 24th, 2010, 08:29 AM
ChoMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: GA
Posts: 5,769
Andrea, I am so very sorry for your loss. I dont know how this can happen, its not fair, its not right, but only god knows why he took Kaiya so early I pray and think of you and your family everyday. I dont have any advice, I just wanted to offer some support **HUGS** mama stay strong!
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  #11  
November 24th, 2010, 11:18 AM
kimmiejo's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 24,239
Andrea I am so sorry for your loss, I don't know the answers to your questions I have no idea how or why this happened or how you can heal. It isn't fair and I am sorry. I wish you peace and strength to get thru this. I think of you and sweet baby Kaiya often and I am so, so sorry my heart goes out to you and I wish there was something I could do to make the hurt go away. ......I am thinking of you, your entire family and Kaiya
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  #12  
November 26th, 2010, 03:34 AM
GraysMama's Avatar AKA marriedc
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Gold Coast, Australia
Posts: 5,612
Andrea, I remember you from the AIP boards last year. I prayed and prayed when I read that you and Kaiya needed T&P... I cried and cried when I read what happened to Kaiya. And I continue to pray for you and your family. My heart breaks for you. Just know that you have many, many people around the world praying for you and your family and thinking of little Kaiya... <3
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  #13  
November 27th, 2010, 12:45 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 19
I find this place inspirational. The fact that you women are able to deal with the day day is amazing. I sorry for your loss..
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  #14  
November 28th, 2010, 11:55 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,551
Andrea I am so sorry for your loss. I wish that there was something I could say or do that would help but I know that there isnt. No mother should ever have to deal with this and I do not understand why God called her home. I cry everytime I think of you and Kaiya. I pray God helps you heal though I know your questions can never be answered. You, Karl, Kaiya, and your families are in my thoughts and prayers every day.
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  #15  
November 30th, 2010, 04:03 PM
Delekatala's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 3,626
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There is no easy answer here. I guess we manage because we have no choice. Everyone grieves differently, but I found it helpful to do a lot of Genevive projects.

For a while I was working on photoshopping my favorite photos of her, and working on a slideshow. I also worked on a booklet for hospital personnel on dealing with grieving parents. I fundraised for her headstone. Now I am planning the two year anniversary memorial. I spend alot of time trying to support other angel moms, When I feel sad I find something to do that reminds me of her, or helps others who are going through the same thing. Also I keep a grief blog, I think I have like 4 readers, LOL. But its a place I can get all my feelings out, good or bad, happy or sad.

And like everyone else says, even though it doesn't feel like it, it will get better over time. Now I do smile when I think about Genevive, instead of instant tears. I still cry sometimes, but I don't feel as fragile anymore. I still miss her, and there are times I still get very angry, she was supposed to be the healthy twin, but I find it gets less and less.
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  #16  
December 9th, 2010, 01:47 AM
Mellza's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: NWArkansas
Posts: 3,457
I have witnessed a few close friends of mine go through the loss of their infant. I tell them the same hard truth: this is going to be the hardest thing you'll ever do, and its going to hurt, a lot.

That bit of advice I got helped me, because I could brace myself for the life long road ahead. I don't think the pain ever get's better, but I think the ability to move in one's life, the ability to start to function slowly comes back. The days between crying about it grow longer, though the thought of my lost child comes daily, sometimes hourly.

As time grew I was able to think fondly on him, and cherish the good memories we had. I found ways to fight back, by volunteering, going back to school to find ways to help, to try and save families from losing their child. The best thing I started to do for my healing, is giving things away. My time, my money, my things, my sons things.

I bought a rubbermaid container, and told myself I could fill it, and beyond that had to be donated. Granted, looking back I forced myself to go through that process a bit too soon, but it happened, and it brought some relief.

I'm sorry that your last memory of your daughter was her with a million wires.

The empty arms, the aching, does get better ... but you will never forget, and there will not be a day that goes by that you will not remember.

I have a private blog, that I wrote my most intimate thoughts, I'd be happy to share it with you if you'll PM me. Also, feel free to PM me if you need to vent.
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Living and loving life in NW Arkansas, USA

Mom to Logan, my beautiful angel son. 7/8/07 - 2/19/08
Collin , born on Oct. 15th 2010, 9.11 lbs. 100% breastfeeding, cloth diapered, all organic goodness.

Baby #3 on the way. EDD May 21st, 2012
SAHM, Student (science major). Volunteer (Arkansas Childrens Hospital).
Facebook :http://www.facebook.com/melly.jeffers
Family blog: http://mellyjimandcounting.blogspot.com/
My first son Logan, 7/8/07 - 2/19/08.
6 months in the NICU, 1 month at home, missed and thought about every single day.

Logans blog: logansworld.blog.com
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  #17  
December 9th, 2010, 01:54 AM
Mellza's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: NWArkansas
Posts: 3,457
Something I wrote, " In short, I miss him. There are no possible words that I could arrange in such an order that could convey the magnitude of my longing to hold him again, or what its like to be a mother without her child. I must press on, to move forward, to educate myself, so that I can help others save someone they love. To understand diseases, and hopefully treat them. In addition, living a life that is happy, a life full of love, is one of the many ways I continue to keep Logan alive. He is my driving force. His life lives on through me. I will make a difference because he was apart of my life."
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Melly, 27. Wife to Jim. We're pregnant! VBAC hopeful after 2 c-sections
Living and loving life in NW Arkansas, USA

Mom to Logan, my beautiful angel son. 7/8/07 - 2/19/08
Collin , born on Oct. 15th 2010, 9.11 lbs. 100% breastfeeding, cloth diapered, all organic goodness.

Baby #3 on the way. EDD May 21st, 2012
SAHM, Student (science major). Volunteer (Arkansas Childrens Hospital).
Facebook :http://www.facebook.com/melly.jeffers
Family blog: http://mellyjimandcounting.blogspot.com/
My first son Logan, 7/8/07 - 2/19/08.
6 months in the NICU, 1 month at home, missed and thought about every single day.

Logans blog: logansworld.blog.com
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  #18  
December 11th, 2010, 11:50 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Indiana
Posts: 9,769
I'm so so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. I too still question the why me and it's been over 3 years for us now. It's hard and it's going to hurt a long time.

Like Jennifer doing a lot of Calypso things helped a lot. I run a charity and NICU page in her name. I decorate her grave for Christmas ext.
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