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I lost my daughter at birth on April 9, 2009. She had anencephaly and we knew from 12 weeks on she would pass either at birth or shortly there after. I miss Grace everyday and my husband and I strive to still make her a part of our lives. We light a candle at dinner for her every night, she has a Christmas stocking that hangs with ours and we buy flowers for it every year, I talk to her often, etc.
I don't expect our families to feel the same way we do about keeping her in our lives but my Mom has been really unsupportive. She constantly tells me that Grace doesn't count as her grandchild or my child, that I only have one child (my son who was born in July), that my sister's daughter has been and will always be her oldest Grandchild (though my daughter is/was born first), that I need to get over it and move on, etc. It really hurts and I told her that I don't expect her to feel the same way I do but I really want her to respect my feelings and to please not say these things in front of me but she seems to go out of her way to bring it up in conversation and say these things constantly.
Has anyone else experienced a family member like this and do you have any advice for me? I'm trying really hard to respect her feelings but she's not respecting mine.
My son Zachary was born April 9 2008, just one year before your Grace.
Your mother sounds exactly like mine. She refuses to say she has a grandson (unless of course she is trying to illicit sympathy from someone).
In this situation she needs to respect you and understand that Grace is your child and always will be. I'd keep telling her this and hope that maybe one day she will get the message. Has my mother yet gotten the message? No. When she brings up the topic of my brother "giving" her a grandson, I answer that she already has one. Me talking about Zac makes her very uncomfortable but I do it anyway in the hope that she will see my point of view.
ETA: This may sound harsh but I don't think you need to respect her feeling on this. Grace will always be your child and she will just have to live with that.
I'm with the previous poster. I don't think you have to respect her feelings on this. She is disrupting your grieving process and essentially saying you are doing it wrong. I think you need to sit her down say 'This is the way it is, you talking different will not change it. If you can't respect this you need to back off'
I appreciate both of your responses and that's exactly what my husband has been telling me to do. She started to tell me (a few days ago) that I have to have more children because I just have one (my son) and that's not enough, etc. I snapped at her telling her that I've had two and I have no desire to have a third and ended the conversation.
Thanks for the advice. I feel better since that conversation and I've decided I'm done dealing with her since she won't respect me or my family.
I don't have any further advice. I just want to say How awful of her!!! and that you are so brave and strong for keeping Grace a part of your every day life, and you have every right to do so. She is your baby always. Sorry for you loss.
I am so sorry! HUGS! My story is a little different since we lost one of identical twins at 5 months old. They were born at 28 weeks and Madison was born with a Left Sided Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. She was a miracle to have survived for the 5 months. It has been just shy of 3 years since we lost Madison. McKenzie is a huge reminder of everything Madison should be. I still feel like people want to forget about Madison. I choose to ignore them. I also have people who support me. I still wish people were more sensitive. HUGS! Laura Mom to McKenzie and Angel Madison.