Log In Sign Up

Feeling like THE worst parent, ever.


Forum: Due Date Club of June 2014

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to boards@justmommies.com.

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Like Tree18Likes
  • 1 Post By Demetria
  • 2 Post By TeamMom2008
  • 1 Post By AtomicMama
  • 1 Post By Mel S
  • 1 Post By ~~MeeMee~~
  • 1 Post By Britt3
  • 2 Post By moxiemommie
  • 1 Post By Demetria
  • 1 Post By susie_q
  • 1 Post By jayepink
  • 1 Post By moxiemommie
  • 1 Post By Caitlin
  • 2 Post By mrsdaiwa24
  • 1 Post By angelsailor288
  • 1 Post By Marissa's Mommy

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Due Date Club of June 2014 LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
December 20th, 2013, 03:53 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 1,792
I totally wish there was a secret forum, because I feel so bad about this and like I did completely the wrong thing. I'll take parenting advice on this one. Its kept me awake pretty much all night. Im so stressed, on the verge of tears with a stress headache.
So we were at a store, in the check out isle, doing "noseys" ( eskimo kisses) because he kept asking to, I did it once and right after he decided to slap me in the face. Thank god we were checking out. Anyways so we went out side and put him on time out against the building. Facing the wall. He knows how to say sorry, and was crying and at first said he was sorry after about 10 min, then started yelling and crying no! I not sorry. He usually apologizes after a good 5 minutes. Nope. Just yelled and said how not sorry he was. So we ended up sitting there for like 30-40 minutes ( I was timing him but my phone died, so he was there much longer than we intended- we were sitting right there w him btw) But I guess because he was crying and we were there awhile someone called the police!

The two officers argued back and forth one wanted to take our info and the other said no because it was blown out of proportion. I wished I had just taken him home and put him on time out there, but hes been having these terrible tantrums in public especially. Hes been acting like a bully lately. I just didnt want him to " get away" with bad behavior and hitting. So they ended up taking our info. I asked what to expect and she said it was just "documentation" Now I just have no idea what todo r think. Definitely feeling like the worst parent to ever walk the Earth. I just want to teach them respect/ politeness/appropriate behavior early on. Ryan has always apologized since he turned two, so I never thought it was too much to ask with Luke. I just dont want them to turn out like those little wanna be gangbangers that have no regard for anyone. I should have just put him in the car after 10 minutes... now Im wondering whats going to happen and am questioning everything I have ever done. Im fretting and so worried about them, and about having this one... They have been my priority for 4+years, since the womb! Now I wonder if I deserve them at all. Then not to mention the neighbor thing and Im worried thst THAT will come up. Although hes backed off a lot. Im just thinkingvof every worst possible scenario.
__________________
Make a pregnancy ticker










Reply With Quote
  #2  
December 20th, 2013, 05:14 AM
Demetria's Avatar Mama to an Angel :(
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 3,796
First you are totally not the worst parent ever. But I can see how that whole situation would cause a lot of anxiety. Honestly if it were me and Ava slapped me in the store (which she has but it was back when she first turned 2yrs old) I would have just left the store and said something to her sternly about it being wrong to hit when I got her into the car. For some reason toddlers can sense that they can make a bigger scene in public!!

I dont know if waiting until you got home for the time out would have solved the problem because by that time he would have moved on mentally from the incident, so the words in the car would have had to suffice for that particular battle.

It is so hard dealing with toddlers sometimes, because at times you have to pick your battles, yet you don't want them to think that they can get away with things when they are in public either!

Hugs!! I hope that its just water under the bridge and nothing becomes of the situation because really I agree with the other officer it was blown out of proportion.
moxiemommie likes this.
__________________
Missing my sweet little boy, RIP Baby Sullivan Parker
1-3-14
Reply With Quote
  #3  
December 20th, 2013, 05:29 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Az
Posts: 592
You poor thing!! How horrible for you all! I'm sure the officer honestly was just documenting their stop because they have to account for mileage and responding to calls. I would be surprised if someone contacted you after this.

If you are seeing signs of bullying in him, you might want to tweak your parenting style a bit for him. My instinct with mark is to remove things he can likes (ie the toy you are playing with is mine now), which can be perceived as bullying by a child. If I didnt want to train him with that behavior, I might have to rethink my punishment structure.

Maybe a better solution than a lengthy time out is you have ten minutes to apologize to me for hurting me. If there is no apology at the end of ten minutes, you all leave and immediately return home at which time he now in his room for the rest of the night. Now if he cries and screams, you are home and you walk away. For mark, the routine of 30 mins of tv before bed is his world so when I remove that privilege, or threaten to, he shapes up.

Maybe for yours it is bedtime stories or dessert. There is a consequence to bad behavior and generally an apology cures the problem. I don't see where you did anything wrong, you weren't physically restraining him. But he doesnt seem to respond to 45 mins with a wall and now he knows his behavior will draw the attention of police officers. I think you can't let him push the edge next time.


I would suggest a chocolate milkshake and a little retail therapy. I would also suggest a note from your elf if you have one. That speaks volumes this time of year. Also a talk about the rules changing. And strict enforcement the first chance you get to show him who is in charge.

Hugs!!!
moxiemommie and Missymoos like this.
__________________
Erica









Reply With Quote
  #4  
December 20th, 2013, 06:13 AM
AtomicMama's Avatar CopperBoom!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 14,681
I can't remember how old Luke is? He's under 2, right? I'm sorry if I'm totally off!!

For me, that was the HARDEST age to punish. I definitely think DS is "worse" in some ways (for lack of a better word) at 3, and I struggle more with 3. However, I have more creative options to punish at 3 than I did at under 2 and 2. He understands more and communicates better. Now, if my kids were to do that in public, they would get the mom eye. A stern whisper about not hitting. And then, at home, depending on the situation/day there would be a consquence, ranging from time out to removing of a privlege or item to having to tackle an undesirable task (for DSD, usually cleaning the bathroom. For DS, that's a privlege--wierd child).

That said, at 2, I think I would have done about the same as you. You weren't ignoring him. I'm sure in that time you interacted with him, asked him to apologize, helped him find ways to calm himself. You did not leave him or neglect him. I agree with Demi, toddlers know how to push our buttons and our limits. In some ways, it's hard. You don't want to leave or give up, because that teaches him either that he can get away with inappropriate behavior in public or that if he throws a fit long enough he'll get out of it, at least temporarily. At the same time, you don't want to sit through a public fit. I don't have a good answer, but I certainly don't think you were bad or wrong for your choice!!

If you think he would remember the situation if you waited, you can always tell him, that was a poor choice of actions, and when we get home, we will have a time out until you can apologize. Or something like that. Or you can give him a set time and then take something away or have a larget consequence, if there is something that he can connect. Otherwise, if you don't think he can make the connection yet, it's hard to look for alternatives. Just have faith that it's only a season! As he grows, he will be able to understand delayed consequences.

I'm so sorry that someone called the police and that they weren't more understanding
moxiemommie likes this.
__________________
Amy: Wife to my Handsome Husband Mommy to my superhero, Max (3) and Luckiest Bonus Mama to Sammy (5)

Reply With Quote
  #5  
December 20th, 2013, 06:21 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 651
*hugs*

I am so sorry someone called the police - that seems ridiculous to me. I agree that they likely just took down information though for their 'records' and that you likely won't hear any further from them.

I don't think you are a horrible parent, and I respect where you are coming from with what you were trying to do. All parents want there kids to grow up to be respectable members of society...there is no rule book for how to make that happen, you learn as you go.
moxiemommie likes this.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #6  
December 20th, 2013, 06:45 AM
~~MeeMee~~'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 1,666
many hugs to you...my DS is now 16yo so it's been many, many years since I've dealt with toddlers so no advice, but just from your posts here and the guilty you are feeling over this situation I know you are NOT a bad part at all! Hope things improve soon!
moxiemommie likes this.
__________________


BABY BOY due June 6

Me 40 DH 42 with an amazing 15yo DS
TTC #2 NTNP starting in 2009
actively TTC (BBT and OPKs) 2011
natural BFP Feb 2012, ending in mmc Apr with d&c in May
IVF Sep 2012, 4 eggs retrieved, 2 mature, 1 fertilized, but showed abnormal
growth, so not suitable for transfer
Nov 2012 IVF take 2 = 3 embryos, but due to concerns with lining unable to transfer
Jan 2013 endometrial biopsy = normal
Mar FET transferred 2 beautiful embryos, but unfortunately BFN
moving to donor eggs fall of 2013
Septemeber 30, 2013 - surprise BFP while waiting for DE
Reply With Quote
  #7  
December 20th, 2013, 06:47 AM
Britt3's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 813
I don't think you're a horrible parent at all!! My DP is a 911 dispatcher and I'll tell you- they definitely only took your information because they are REQUIRED to. (For instance - let's say they get a call on parents doing something to their child, but they deem it as 'blown out of proportion,' so they don't take record of it--- but then a few weeks later the parents do something absolutely serious to the child- the police will get in serious trouble.) So it's ONLY to cover their own butts- I wouldn't worry one bit about being contacted by anyone.

As far as the rest- you definitely can't ignore bad behavior from your child. If it were me, I would have said something to him immediately when it happened, and then wait until we were in the car to have a real discussion with him. That's what I do with my son.. but mainly because of his special needs- and anything that happens in public escalates very quickly with him and he becomes even more aggressive... so it's best to talk to him in the car, where he can stay calm.

My son's therapist tells us to praise the good behaviors. Obviously, you can't ignore the bad behaviors, but when they do good things, really praise them even if it's over something that seems silly. So maybe next time that he kisses you and doesn't hit you, say something like, "Thanks so much for being so sweet and gentle!!"

Also - in my household we do timeouts as well, but because of my son's special needs (and the fact he forgets everything within seconds or minutes) it's a lot less time. The rule from the therapist in the beginning was 10 seconds for each year of age. But they have to sit quietly that whole time or you restart. Then, you talk to them about what they did wrong, and then you make sure they're paying attention by having them touch their nose, ears, face, etc- whatever you request (and always change it up). Sounds silly, but that's the best thing that worked at that age.
Now that he's older, he gets 5 minutes (and an additional 5 minutes for each time he yells at us after going to time out, hits, etc) and he gets timed with a visual timer and auditory timer. Again, sensory things- but I would think it could help with a youngster anyways- it gives them something to look at and pay attention to.

Just some ideas- I know all kids are different, all parents are different, and all styles are different! Just know that you are NOT a bad parent at all, and you should not feel bad whatsoever!!! (((HUGS momma!)))))
moxiemommie likes this.
__________________


Reply With Quote
  #8  
December 20th, 2013, 07:03 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 1,792
Well I feel MUCH better now than 3 hours ago, I actually ended up getting a couple of light braxton hicks because of stress I think... Dh and I talked about it and he was super reassuring, and the all the comments made me feel better too. THEN I got the boys up and Luke came up to me and said Sorry I hit mommy!!! <3 I just gave him a hug and told him not to hit again. Im so happy he apologized after ALL that time. I was surprised, but if anyone comes I will tell them that Now I have to figure out how Im going to go out in public and not be known as the crazy lady who put her baby on time out for a half hour... uggg ( I did NOT put him on that long on purpose I totally lost track of time. I was so focused on the fact hehadnt apologized yet. )
Britt3 and Demetria like this.
__________________
Make a pregnancy ticker











Last edited by moxiemommie; December 20th, 2013 at 07:05 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
December 20th, 2013, 07:06 AM
Demetria's Avatar Mama to an Angel :(
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 3,796
Glad you are feeling better! Its so hard dealing with the tantrums and acting out in public. I still dread going to the grocery store with Ava!! But it will get better!
moxiemommie likes this.
__________________
Missing my sweet little boy, RIP Baby Sullivan Parker
1-3-14
Reply With Quote
  #10  
December 20th, 2013, 07:16 AM
susie_q's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 912
This is my first pregnancy so please take my advice with a grain of salt.

First, please please please don't think you're the worst mom ever. I once slapped my mom in a store and she put pulled me out of the cart, left it behind and wailed on my butt once in the car. Muuuch different times in the 80's.

When I was in my early elementary training, we're taught psychologically children shouldn't be in time out for more minutes than their age because they can't comprehend that punishment. So 3 yr olds, get 3 minutes, then we talk about what happened and if they aren't sorry then, then we took them outside the room and asked them to tell us if their action (aka hitting) was part of our rules (we only had three rules). Sometimes it worked because taking them out of the environment helped, sometimes you throw your hands up in the air because we all have bad/off days.

But toddlers are hard to punish. They are trying to push boundaries and push your buttons. It seems like you've got a lot going on at your house, plus being pregnant might just be overwhelming to him and he's acting out for that.

I dunno. Just in the short time I've known you, you seem like a very caring, compassionate and patient mom, so don't beat yourself up over this. Nothing can come of the cop report unless they witnessed you abusing your child, and your child sitting in time out isn't abuse. I am sorry you had to go through all this.
moxiemommie likes this.
__________________




Reply With Quote
  #11  
December 20th, 2013, 08:09 AM
trusting and believing
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 773
Honey, it's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. It's not bad at all. You felt the need to handle the situation immediately, so you did, and the way you handled it was, in my opinion, more than appropriate for being in public.

I heard this on a TV show (smile): "As parents, you have to give your kids consequences, and you have to be okay with them not liking the consequences."
This is the hard part about discipline.

You are probably feeling bad about the cops coming and documenting. I understand, but if you don't handle him now, then someone may call them on HIM in the future and they may do more than document. Get my drift? My hubby and I are both educators and because of some of the disrespectful and undisciplined children that have crossed our paths in our career spans (both of us 15 years), we do not play around when it comes to our son. He just turned 3 today, but we are helping him to learn how to behave NOW! A good friend told me to imagine what the behavior will look like in 5, 10, 20 years etc. if we, the parents, don't get a handle on it now.

You could've taken him home. Same difference. I don't think you did anything wrong. Chin up and kudos to you for helping your child when he doesn't even realize it yet.
moxiemommie likes this.
__________________
Thanking God for a healthy, happy, and BLESSED----->




Mom to one son born December 2010 and expecting another little guy June 16, 2014!
Reply With Quote
  #12  
December 20th, 2013, 09:00 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 1,792
Reading every ones replies makes me feel so much better. My thought was, well if the police were called, I MUST have done something wrong. Even the one police officer (The ladyI talked to) said the punishment we gave him was "unusual." Because most parents take their kids home to discipline. Oh! I should add As soon as he smacked me I told Luke we dont hit, pulled him out of the cart and had him sit by the check out stand (so I could pay) then we went outside where I asked him to apologize and he didnt so we put him on time out. Then he said sorry after like 10 min, but then screamed NO! I NOT SORRY! Hence more time out and crying. Jayepink- you pretty much hit the nail on the head. I went to school with kids like that and if anything all they did was distract the class, and they were just HORRIBLE to their parents! So they didnt treat others much better. Thats one of my main concerns plus Luke is one of THE most stubborn kids Ive ever known. Hes only 2, but will be 3 in may, although he acts more like a 3 year old. Usually Luke is mellow, and well-behaved, but when he does do something and he doesnt want ot apologize, you absolutely cannot make him. And he will certainly just get worse. Sometimes he wont even apologize to Ryan so he goes on time out or I take away his toys, food he likes, wont give him treats, even if Ryan gets a cookie for snack, luke will get a piece of bread. But it goes both ways and normally they are both great boys. I will definitly have a better strategy next time though.

Dh is also really stern about timeouts, not giving into them, and sending them to their room for bad behavior. He had severe ADHD, and he was just wild and troublesome as a child. He said the main thing was learning how to control his emotions and behavior, so he wants to teach them how while they are young, or at least the basics because he didnt learn to until his early teens and it was much more difficult. Plus his "Step Brother" (his dad isnt married but theyve been togehter 15-20yrs) is kind of a hoodlem, but really his parents are the reason he became that way. Then his older sister is just not the nicest person, and I think Brian would die if his kids ever turned out like his sister or the majority of women on his mothers side. I know in reality you just do the very best you can and kids will make their own choices as adults, but Brian told me last night " I dont care what the police say and if they do send someone out, I will go talk to the officers supervisor, because I know I was doing the right thing by putting him on time out until he said sorry for hitting you. It may not have worked in this case, but he KNOWS bad behavior wont be tolerated. He said, parents will say they have done their best, but I will not say that until I know that I have exhausted every option and am still looking for other options to make him a good man in life." ( The last sentence he was more generalizing) He also said its better I do this now, than for him to be brought home in a squad car when hes older because he assaulted someone or hes running with thugs. And I agree with that. (And yes that IS an extreme scenario, but is just another reason we deal with it while hes young)
jayepink likes this.
__________________
Make a pregnancy ticker










Reply With Quote
  #13  
December 20th, 2013, 12:00 PM
Caitlin's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Camp Lejeune, NC
Posts: 8,874
I think calling the police on you was completely un necessary and to be honest, it was probably from a non-parent. In my experience, they don't 'get' it until they have children of their own.

That being said, I do think 30-40 minutes is wayyy too long for punishment for a 2 year old. They aren't mentally there anymore, they literally cannot remember why they are in trouble after so much time has passed. I like the suggestion of time out for as many minutes as their age (so, 2 minutes) and if at that point he said NO! NOT SORRY! I would talk to him and ask him 'Why are you not sorry? Do you like to hit? When you hit, it hurts mommy'. And move on from there.

I totally get why you felt the need to punish him right outside the store. It's fresh in his mind, and he knows why he is being put in timeout. I don't think I would have the guts to do it, because I HATE feeling like strangers are judging me. Props to you mom, for sticking to your guns.
moxiemommie likes this.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
December 20th, 2013, 12:22 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2013
Location: CA
Posts: 1,792
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caitlin View Post
I think calling the police on you was completely un necessary and to be honest, it was probably from a non-parent. In my experience, they don't 'get' it until they have children of their own.

That being said, I do think 30-40 minutes is wayyy too long for punishment for a 2 year old. They aren't mentally there anymore, they literally cannot remember why they are in trouble after so much time has passed. I like the suggestion of time out for as many minutes as their age (so, 2 minutes) and if at that point he said NO! NOT SORRY! I would talk to him and ask him 'Why are you not sorry? Do you like to hit? When you hit, it hurts mommy'. And move on from there.

I totally get why you felt the need to punish him right outside the store. It's fresh in his mind, and he knows why he is being put in timeout. I don't think I would have the guts to do it, because I HATE feeling like strangers are judging me. Props to you mom, for sticking to your guns.
I agree itw as wayyy too long, the only reson I put him back on time out after ten minutes is because he threw the whole NO I Not sorry bit, and I was only going to put him on for 5-10 more minutes just to let him calm down, because he was screaming.
__________________
Make a pregnancy ticker










Reply With Quote
  #15  
December 20th, 2013, 05:16 PM
mrsdaiwa24's Avatar Amy, soon-to-be-mama of 2
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 9,969
First of all, you're not a horrible parent. REsearch says that if you're going to give a little kid a consequence, it needs to be immediate or it loses its impact. To this day, Betsy still points out the bench outside of the Target pharmacy and reminds me that's where she had a time-out because she was acting up -- and I was restraining her as we sat on the bench. I've stopped worrying about what other people think of me discipling my child out in public -- well, not quite -- I'd rather they say "Wow -- there's a mom who actually IS doing something to correct bad behavior" than "Oh my gosh -- I can't believe she's doing that."
__________________
Thank you JAIDYNSMUM for my adorable new siggy!
Reply With Quote
  #16  
December 20th, 2013, 06:41 PM
angelsailor288's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Kingston, NY
Posts: 5,046
I'm sorry that happened to you. People suck.
I think you were right, they need to know behaviors we expect at home carry out in public too. *hugs*
moxiemommie likes this.
__________________

Thank you jaidynsmum for my siggy!





Reply With Quote
  #17  
December 20th, 2013, 07:28 PM
Marissa's Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 2,289
Send a message via Yahoo to Marissa's Mommy
I don't think you are a bad mom at all. You have to address that kind of behavior and be consistent with consequences so they will begin to learn that behavior has consequences. I do agree that for that age it has to be immediate. I also feel weird doing it in person but what I have done in the past is get in the car and talk about it on the way home what was wrong how she should have behaved and the punishment she will face when home. Although that is not always the best because depending on drive time she has fallen asleep due to wearing herself out crying.

I think we learn as we go and tweak how we react as time goes on. I definately have had my moments feeling bad about how I reacted and judging myself because we are our own worst enemy when it comes to that. Try not to beat yourself up for it. Glad your hubby is so supportive!

And to the person that reported you. That was totally uncalled for and probably someone that doesn't have kids. And if they have kids their little brats are probably running around with no rules and will grow up to be who knows what. Either way you are teaching your child to be a productive member of society. And that's all that matters.
moxiemommie likes this.
__________________


Thank you Jaidynsmum for my beautiful signature!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:29 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0