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First off, I'm Anniken, Mommy to Tanja elise
im turning 17 in few days..
I don't really know how to write this because i have never once mentioned it to anyone else
it just sort of hit me last night when i was just lurking around and i came over some things that had me thinking...
Guess i will start with some background info about myself so its more understandable?
After I started school, i was always sort of bullied because i hit puberty MUCH earlier than everyone else
i got my period at about 9-10-11 years i can't realy remember because i don't want to in a way.
but hitting puberty early meant i was the only girl in my grade that had started to get boobs and all that
so i always got mean comments telling me how ugly/fat/etc i was...
i have been tru periods where i don't eat anything but maybe one meal a day (dinner)
i started hating food and even if i was hungry i didn't want to eat, i would just say i have just eaten/im not hungry.. stuff like that
i have always felt overweight but a lot of people started making comments when i got 12-14 years that i WAS skinny and "just skin and bones" which i wasn't.
It hit me last night and if there is something i don't want to believe, i make myself 'forget' or am just in denial about it (like depression...)
i remember the first boyfriend i had (14 yrs) would ask me if i was sure i wasn't lying about not smoking.. because smoking usually made people loose weight (everyone smoked where i lived, beside me..) and another friend kept telling me she hated how thin i was and that once she had been sitting in my lab once she was sick and i was hugging her, she kept mention how she could feel my ribs sticking out.......
and i remember always chewing gum.. i hated eating i kept thinking i need to loose weight etc
I have been asked Several times if i have an eating disorder by many people because i never really do eat.
only time i have been really good at eating was while pregnant.. i was sick 24/7 and got a big lecture from my dr when she found out i had been throwing up so much (MS not purging) that i had lost about 10 or so lbs in about 5+ weeks......so i was told to eat eat eat eat eat
and i did, i snacked all the time (went from 120 to 170lbs in about 20weeks)
after birth i went down to 139 and i felt ok
but due to stress and the new eating habit, i have now gained it back.... so im now back at 170
or was.. im 167 now
but while i was thinking last night... it also hit me.. i have quit bad health and i often have headaches/feel weak and i have hip problems / stumache pains (stumache pains i have had since 7th? grade) and my knees/all joint&bones areas often hurt as well
i have practially no powers or energy ever
been to the drs many times for all sorts of tests on why i feel so bad
but ALWAYS always the tests comes back clear
exept one test on my left wrist... they said the bone looked "spongy" but brushed it off saying that it was just probably a very bad scan picture?
but i realized... the stumache pains started about when i started to jump over food more regulary to where i barely ate....
I just asked my best friend who has known me the longest if she has ever thought i might have an ED but she said no...
I'm having so many mixed feelings and i feel confused
the hate for my body is coming back for full strength and i feel so overweight and ugly i try eating healthy and exerize but i often "forget" to eat, and will ignore my bodys signs of hunger
I'm sorry this is so long and so rambly
like i have said, never mentioned or talked to anyone about ED's or anything
but i have started to start to learn to listen to my body more lately and lurking around...
a lot of the things i saw people write about having eating disorder could have been written by myself...
I don't know why im even writing this but does it sound like its what i might have been dealing with for the last couple of years? or am i just nuts and imagining things?
I don't want to mention it to anyone IRL because if i do, they proabably just brush it off as nothing and think it is just one more thing im imagine since everytime i go to the drs... everything is "fine" but i feel so far from fine
i feel sick and weak and disgusting
Sorry for all the typos... Holding a sleeping tanja atm and am crying ):
Anniken - 20 years - Mama to 4 year old -student - Norway
Oh Hon, I'm so sorry, I feel your pain. By what you are telling us, I'd have to say yes you have an ED. It's not just the lack of eating, but the emotions you are connecting with it all and the language you use with others. Usually the first visible signs are the phrases people say to convince others and themselves they are fine. Things like, "Oh I'm not hungry, I just ate." If they aren't true, it can indicate a very real problem. I too hit puberty very early, but I was home schooled, so I wasn't teased, but I was forced to watch my friends get to eat anything they wanted without gaining while at 14, I was already hitting that point where every pound stuck. I began to hate my body and hate what food did to me. The pain is a very familiar companion to me and it is a huge red flag when you are trying to decide if you have a problem. When I realized how much pain I was living with, emotionally as well as physically, I knew I couldn't keep living like I was. The good news is that admitting you have a problem is a very big step. I'm not going to say it's the hardest part, that probably wouldn't be true, but it is a really big deal to admit you have an ED. Because when you know what's wrong, you gain the ability to do something about it. I would really recommend if you can to find counseling. I know that's not always an option so even if you don't, get an accountability partner. Someone who understands what is going on and who can emotionally support you and get on your case if you don't follow through with getting your three meals. It doesn't have to be your best friend, but someone you feel comfortable with, even someone on this site if that's easier than talking to someone at home. I know it's a hard thing to do but at some point you really need to talk to a doctor specifically about EDs. I hate to admit I've not yet had the courage to do so myself, but you should be aware, there are long lasting health issues that can occur with having an ED even if you don't have a problem right now, things can develop. I wish I could give you a big hug right now, because it sounds like you really need it and I know I don't know what you look like, but I can tell from your words that you are a beautiful person. Remember, you're not alone, please don't try to deal with this by yourself.
first off - welcome! Second HUGS! It sounds like you're having a difficult time and have been for awhile. ED's can be sooo confusing because so many ppl think of this simple cookie cutter way of what it is or isn't. We're hear for all the questions and rambles you need! You're not nuts - i think that you are right on with what's going on. again, HUGS!
Thanks for the welcomes.
i wish i didn't have had to write it tho
I'm doing a day by day planner where i include what i have eaten, since DD is 13.5 months now she tends to eat a lot so i eat a little if she eats
don't think i will talk to a doctor just yet.. I plan to move very soon and i saw a doctor last month for hip pains i have been having since 8 weeks pregnant..... only thing she suggested was that "i should loose some weight and start exercising" I hate all the comments on how much i need to loose weight
i visited my family in Norway (currently live in texas) and some of the thing everyone felt the need to mention was always how much i had gained and how big i had gotten (170 at that time) and im so tired of it
why does people has to make such a big deal out of weight? if people would just shut it sometimes i don't think people would have as many issues as there is ):
I'm going to wait to really talk to someone IRL because of all the things going on
i want to move home and get more relaxed and not worry about court/moving/finding place to live/dealing with family/school ..
Anniken - 20 years - Mama to 4 year old -student - Norway
It's hard for family to see you at a healthier weight because a lot of people look at ED victims as naturally thin. So I know it's hard to hear things about your weight but they don't realize they aren't helping. For almost three years family thought I was preg. when I visited.