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Hi there... I can't believe I just noticed this forum. =]
I'm 22 and pregnant for the first time. I'm about 8 weeks in. I've been bulimic for the past 6 years and also go through periods of restricting calories. I see a therapist pretty regularly, and I'm also in a support group, so I suppose I'm in recovery, but I know I have a long way to go. Since I found out that I'm pregnant, I've been doing a good job of not obsessing about calories and not purging because I obviously want my baby to be healthy and well-nourished, but it's not easy! Every morning I wake up in a horrible mood because I know my clothes are tighter than normal, but there is nothing I can do to prevent gaining weight.
I'm really hoping that taking the next several months off of eating disordered behaviors will help me to stop them completely, but I do have some concerns.
How did you all deal with the weight gain without going crazy?
Did you return to full-fledged eating disordered behaviors after giving birth?
Do any of you have daughters? Do you worry about passing on the same behaviors?
Welcome!! I'm so glad you found us!! I'm sorry that it is such a challenge for you right now - i had just gone into recovery when i got preggo with DS after 12 years of struggling with anorexia and bulimia.
How did you all deal with the weight gain without going crazy? I had my doc weigh me backward - and put a lot of trust in him. I got rid of my scale - i ended up gaining a lot a lot of weight because i got gestation diabetes because of the ed...HOWEVER, all the weight ended up coming off after i gave birth (with no ed behaviors) It was a struggle at first when i started getting bigger but i reminded myself that it wasn't me getting fat it was my baby growing - once i had a real baby belly I actually became PROUD of it! Which was a pleasant surprise and shock! I also stayed active in a support group.
Did you return to full-fledged eating disordered behaviors after giving birth? NO, i've had a few moments where i've caught myself starting to slip into ed'ish behaviors - and got myself back out right away.
Do any of you have daughters? Not yet - might be carring one - not sure
Do you worry about passing on the same behaviors? Yes i do
Hi! I'm Nicole, 23 bulimia/ana since the age of 12. Started recovery the day I noticed the 2nd line in '08, I was actually already bout 5 weeks along - we werent TTC.
When I found out that I was pregnant I was scared as heck. The first 2 months were the worse for me, but because the puking was not in my control. That was what bugged me the most - my body would do things on its own.
After the morning sickness faded in came the cravings! I thought I would loose it but I had support from a local friend who I went through recovery with, she had had her son a few months before. ANd then before all of a sudden I started to feel her move and kick and I didn't mind my body so much...I actually never felt so sexy before! But, after the 4th-ish month my doc started weighing me backwards, like Alethias.
It was after giving birth to Lynda were I struggled, Lynda grew fast so now I have strechmarks and loose skin, but I try to see it as a badge. CHeesey but it true.
After she wass born I did breastfeed so that kept me from goin back to bad habits. And after awhile I was back in control, I could think about somethin back I never act on it
Those were my same exact concerns...I do have a daughter, Lynda, who will soon be 16 months. And she is growing fast, she's 36 inches and 38 lbs, her father is 6'6-7' so I worry about her all the time. I just want her to love herself...
I was at a low point with my ED when I found out I was pg with DD. At first I really struggled with it, it sounds sick but I was glad I got bad morning sickness because I was so afraid of gaining weight. Once I realized there was nothing I could do about it I embraced it and ended up gaining a lot of weight I ate constantly! Right after she was born I went right back to the way I was before, lost all my baby weight, she's only 2 and I know some of the things I do around her are already effecting her. The other day she went potty and I heard her step on the scale because she stepped on the edge and made it hit the floor, then she said 'WOW! 30lbs' I felt horrible!
it can be so hard - i still weigh my self probably more than i should - although i've been in recovery for a few years...i still can't totally stop the weighing in -- my DS now weighs himself - although he has no idea what it means it still bothers me that he gets on the scale when he goes in the bathroom.
Hi there! I'm Amee (21), expecting my first in late June. I was anorexic for 6 years, and recovering (or at least trying)
How did you all deal with the weight gain without going crazy? I was really sick for the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy and didn't gain any weight. I am now 25w1d and have only gained 9 lbs. I honestly talk to my DH about what I am feeling. I know its good that I am gaining weight, as I was underweight when I got pg but it still drives me crazy!
Did you return to full-fledged eating disordered behaviors after giving birth? I honestly hope I don't. I did tell DH I will start exercising to help get toned again, but I do fear I will start restricting calories and exercisig way to much.
Do any of you have daughters? Do you worry about passing on the same behaviors? I am pregnant with a girl and do fear I will pass these traits/behaviors on to them. My mom had an ED in high school, early college years, my sister had an ED for a short time and I had one for a long time. So there is that fear.
Amelia: Wife to Ryan, Mama to Harleigh, with a boy on the way
hi, I'm Micaela. I'm 28 and pregnant for the 2nd time. I was severely anorexic as a teen and then bulimic later on. When I got pregnant for the first time I was newly married and depressed (perhaps hormonal and pregnancy related). I was falling back into old restrictive patterns and abusing laxatives (the things I've had the hardest time giving up). I was borderline underweight when I found out I was over a month along.
One of the first thoughts and fears I had was that I was going to gain weight. Eating disorders are all about control and being pregnant meant I was going to gain weight no matter what; it meant I would have no control over something I had been able to control so well in the past. I was terrified.
For the first trimester I continued to restrict, abuse laxatives, and even vomited a few times. I gain only a couple of pounds and was proud of myself. Then I developed an appetite and for the first time in YEARS I allowed myself to eat things I had denied myself for so long (such as cheese, pasta, bread, meat).
I was depressed, miserable and scared my entire pregnancy. I checked my weight several times a week, and even though I was eating more and new foods I was still watching what I ate. I gained the minimum 25 lbs and my baby was born healthy. That being said, I was lucky.
Pregnancy was a huge help in my recovery. It's what pushed me to eat at least semi-normally, enjoy food again and accept myself (even if I don't like it) at a non-emaciated weight.
How did you all deal with the weight gain without going crazy? I did go crazy. I used laxatives my entire pregnancy and didn't gain as much weight as I should have for a woman of my size. But I allowed myself to eat knowing I had a human life inside of me.
Did you return to full-fledged eating disordered behaviors after giving birth? nope. I continued to eat all the foods I had allowed myself while pregnant, after my son was born. Breastfeeding was the best diet ever, and even though I eating normal food in normal portions I was dropping weight. I still watch my weight, but I'm healthy and I eat and I don't obsess.
Do any of you have daughters? Do you worry about passing on the same behaviors? I have a son; no daughters so far. Although I do worry that he'll pick up on my eating behaviours (we don't have normal sit down meals). I'm terrified of having a daughter with all the pressures put on women. But I'm hoping that since I've been through it myself I'll recognize symptoms sooner and tackle the problem before it gets out of hand.
So uh I've been eating disorder NOS (I really just feel crazy) for as long as I can remember. I don't remember how to eat normally, I don't understand my relationship with food. I joke that I wish I was photosynthetic so I could just absorb sunlight and get my energy that way, because I just can't figure out a way to nourish myself, and now my baby, that makes sense and doesn't scare me. Weight gain doesn't bother me, calories, fat....none of that matters, I just want to be healthy. I purged for so many years as a way to cope with so extremely traumatic events that now I have this crazy system of analyzing whether food is good or bad...good being it will digest and nourish me, bad being that is will never digest and turn to poisen and pollution in my body. Vegatables scare me more than butter...crazy, right? Ultimately nothing is safe, because I'm never safe in my own mind and want to escape what's going on in there, so I obsess over my intricate rule system regarding food until I freak myself out so bad that my head is in the toilet and I'm not thinking about anything at all. And I hate myself. I have nonstop panic attacks that I am not feeding my baby and that she is dead inside me, or will come out defected because of all the abuse I put myself (and now her) through. I want to die...all while wanting to celebrate and embrace this beautiful thing happening to me...but I hate myself for "ruining" my pregnancy. I'm 24 weeks and a few days and I don't think I can handle one more second inside my crazy head, that controls me like some virus in a computer, just crashing even when I put in the right information or know exactly, it's like I just have no power, I've become completely controlled. I view it more as an OCD than and ED, I have no clue how to live with myself.
Point is...I really just want reassurance that it's not too late, that I can nourish my baby before she is born and that I'm not some horrible THING (although I am). I just can't cope. Life has been so hard already, and I will never be a good mom to this poor thing who is stuck with me. I can't sleep, I just worry and cry constantly and use my compulsive behaviors to numb the craziness.
Please help. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to just be still and observe life, just worry worry worry about the next bad thing that will happen. I'm going crazy.