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Forum: Mommies With an Eating Disorder

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  #1  
September 25th, 2010, 09:32 PM
KiwiMommy's Avatar Ashlynn's Mama
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 3,779
First, Thank You alethia for posting the coping thread...
I was fighting with myself on if I should post or not, But I feel I probably should..

It seems I'm struggling more and more..
Today I stepped on the scale (stupid, stupid, stupid!) and it read 147.
I have not seen that weight EVER, other than while pregnant.
It's killing me inside.
As I've said before, it's a struggle to keep breastfeeding.
They say you need a minimum of 1,800 calories to keep a supply, but I'm sure I have more than 2,500 a day..
I just can't stop myself..
I'm not unhealthy, by any means.. I can walk 10 miles without being very tired the next day and can carry my daughter, who is 20lbs at least, for quite some time.. in her carseat, which adds a few pounds, on one arm.

I have a friend who is about 1-2 inches shorter than me (I'm 5'2") and maybe 3lbs heavier and she looks SO heavy to me..
So i'm soo paranoid that I'm fatter than I see myself as.
I can't bring myself to wear any fitted shirts, can't bring myself to do much of anything really that involves showing my weight.
My mom is constantly on my back about eating less..
She'll make dinner and less than 4 hours later I'm eating another full meal..because I'm bored I guess? I don't know.
I can go all day without eating.. in fact, I usually don't realize I haven;t eaten until 1-2pm.. but then I eat everything and anything in sight.
I can't find a happy medium and my whole mind is screaming to just stop eating, that it's simple and easy.
I'll admit it, I'm struggling with my depression as well. It's gotten so much worse lately, and no matter how many times I ask my mom for the number to my old prescriber (I used to take medication) or ask her to call, I get NO number and NO call made..
I can't find the number online, either. I can't even remember her name.
I feel like being how I am right now, I can't enjoy my time with my daughter. Either I want to sleep all day or I want to lock myself in my room..
I usually go out, if I can, to get my mind off things, but not every day is a day I can go out..
I feel myself literally counting down the days until my daughter is weaned, contemplating weaning her at a year old just so I can go back to my old ways (I plan/planned on letting her self wean) and watch the weight drop off.
I don't know what to do or where to turn..
I'm sorry all my posts are so much of a downer.. I don't mean to be so depressing..
I'm not sure what to do or where to turn..
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Kailey(21) Cloth diapering, breastfeeding, babywearing, extended RF'ing, slightly crazy mommy to Ashlynn (3 1/2 * 1/28/10) and Matthew (13 months * 6/20/12)


Thank you peimum for the gorgeous siggy!
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  #2  
September 26th, 2010, 05:31 PM
alethia's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 18,623
first off you're NOT a downer ... we are all there or have been! I'm sorry about the scale today....i assure you 147 is not fat - even tho i know you think it is. I'm also struggling with my pp body and my weight - its so common too even in healthy women who dont have a disoredered eating past or an ed...for us we'v got the ED amplifying how we feel or think - even when were in recover at times. I know what you mean about wearing fitted shirts. ai had to go and buy clothes for work when i went back last week cause i cant wear my old ones yet and one thing i did is buy clothes i liked but that were a bit looser and made me feel comftorble and better about how i looked - i went to ROSS so it was cheap (i dont want to put a ton into clothes i'll be out of in a few monts) but maybe you could buy a few things that made you feel the same. I'm sorry you're struggling - i know how you feel. im really glad you posted!!!
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  #3  
October 5th, 2010, 11:46 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 2,162
Hi, KiwiMommy! I'm glad you posted; it really shows how strong you are and how willing you are to ask for help to take care of your daughter! I know many websites say you need a minimum of 1800 calories per day to keep your milk supply up..., but I read in actuality every woman is different, and most women are able to produce breast milk with much less calories than that!!!

I have also struggled with seeing a HIGH weight on the scale that I have only ever seen while pregnant. I lost all my pregnancy weight within 2 months... but I somehow managed to gain it all back PLUS more!!! :'( If you feel like you need to wean your daughter, then do it. You need to be healthy in order to take care of her, and whenever you decide to wean her is entirely up to you!! =) Formula is not evil, even though many women may try to make you feel like you're feeding your baby poison just because you are not exclusively breastfeeding, lol!

I strongly believe that you have to be a physically and mentally healthy momma in order to be a good momma to your baby or babies!

I just recently starting posting on this board; although, I've been struggling with (some form) of disordered eating for as long as I can remember. I hope you continue to post and come here for advice and support!!

I also struggle with the healthy medium between starving and binging. I just can't seem to find the "normal" amount of food to eat :'( :'( :'( If I could just control my intake, I wouldn't have to worry about the binges =(!!!!!!!!!!

-Karie
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Last edited by k1210; October 5th, 2010 at 11:48 PM.
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  #4  
October 6th, 2010, 09:35 AM
alethia's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
Posts: 18,623
just checking in to see how you're doing/feeling this week?!!

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  #5  
October 7th, 2010, 09:25 PM
KiwiMommy's Avatar Ashlynn's Mama
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 3,779
I'm about the same. Haven't gone anywhere near a scale.. at all.
Still binging my butt off... I had 2 things of yogurt, a sandwich, 2 slices of cake, a whole box of mac n cheese, some broccoli chicken type casserole, and a cup of soup..
oh..
and a butterfinger.
I seriously could NOT stop.

And AF returned yesterday, for the first time since before I got pregnant... Dealing with the constant cramps and bleeding on a massacre-type scale. It's HORRIBLE (Tmi...sorry)

But I guess my mood is a bit better.. Just tired. Really tired.. LOL
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Kailey(21) Cloth diapering, breastfeeding, babywearing, extended RF'ing, slightly crazy mommy to Ashlynn (3 1/2 * 1/28/10) and Matthew (13 months * 6/20/12)


Thank you peimum for the gorgeous siggy!
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