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Tonight was a meltdown night. I don't really know if anyone will read this, but I just need to get it out there.
I have struggled with anorexia since I was 14 years old. I used to brag because if I could take both hands and fit them both between my index fingers and thumbs touching and have room left.
At 15, I was hospitalized due to malnutrition and dehydration while spending the summer at my grandparents house in AZ. I continued to let it to me until I reached 20. My husband finally helped me through and made me realize I don't have to be a size 0 to be beautiful. I ballooned to a size 9 juniors, and actually returned to having a regular menstrual cycle and to my surprise, got pregnant. We lost him at 20 weeks, I immediately started becoming reclusive, stopped eating, and started slipping again. I felt bad and fixed the situation quickly when I found out just a month and a half later that I was pregnant again. I hated it this time because I had to have a cerclage, which required months of bed rest. I had nothing to do but eat and I felt so disgusting. The second he was born, I started working out. I got back to the gym, only, with almost 15 lbs left to get to pre-preggo weight, I found out my BC pills weren't doing the trick, and only 3 months after my son was born, I got pregnant with my little girl.
Same thing, cerclage, bed rest. We moved to a bigger house to accommodate our growing family and this included a full basement so we filled it with all kinds of exercise equipment. She was born exactly one year, to the day apart from my son and I was so ready to finally shed this extra weight. I started off on a normal about 1100-1200 calorie diet daily. I have started dropping more and more though.
Tonight, my husband and MIL had an intervention which we'll just say....didn't go so well. I passed out on the way home from the grocery store at about 6pm eastern. My husband got me in the house and fixed tacos with ground turkey and whole wheat tortillas for dinner. I ate less than half of a taco and went to go check on the baby, honestly did I fill full? No. This was the 1st thing I have eaten all day, I was hungry but the thought of eating it all made me feel sick. My husband, who had called my MIL over, told me to come back to the table after a few minutes and I refused. So, they started on me about not eating anymore and working out until I can barely make it up the steps. I don't feel comfortable going into any more details because honestly, it got pretty rough, but long story short, they want me to go back to my therapist next week. I don't want to.
I know I shouldn't fall back into this lifestyle, but after being pregnant the majority of the last 2 years, I'm desperate to have my body back. I am only eating about 300-600 calories, sometimes less, daily. I have lost a lot of weight, but I stay sick and lightheaded, when I look in the mirror, all I see is fat. I see extra skin, I see fat thighs, I see a hideous wreck of what used to be.
Last edited by KatieBunny; December 1st, 2010 at 10:20 PM.
I know the feeling. I'm sorry it didn't go well. I gained a alot of weight with DS and after i had him i was overjoyed by him but super super depressed about my weight ...i tried giving away all my childsized clothes and 0's but i still struggled with the feelings. and too after DD was born i've had the same "feelings" struggle although i gained less than her - i also catch myself focusing on the negative in the mirror.
It's hard when you don't feel like you - but we also have to remember when we are/were active full blown in our ED's we don't feel like us either ... we're consumed by it - Not our lives.
When we slip doesn't mean we have to go all the way down the slope...being somewhere where you can see recovery but also see the eating disorder we have to try to hold on to the reality of what both have to offer ... and the sacrifices we have to make for either side. I choose my kids, my family, my life ... i try not to think about not being a size 0 ever but rather - i can work on my body so that it is healthy and i am at a good weight for my height and bone structure - still look thin but be fit and FEEL good. When i've been at my lowest weights i never FELT good..i was drained and consumed and depressed.
sometimes doing affirmations can help, sounds cheesy but it's true....they're there when we're struggling to remind us of ourselves, who we are, and what we want.
and try doing healthy snacks that are light - so you don't get that heavy "gross" full feeling...but your giving yourself the energy you need to take care of your toddler and newborn --- i know girl i'm right there with you on how much that takes.
I struggled with my anorexia/bulimia/ EDNOS for over 12 years was in the hospital more times than I can count .... it's not worth it to me anymore - i would rather be with my kids.
You WILL lose the weight! 9 months on - 9 months off and it takes time for skin to move around and go back closer to where it came from. Try to breath! I get frustrated too.....and it's ok to be frustrated - but it's ok to fight that and win.