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I'm in "recovery" from being anorexic.. I've been ED-free since I got pregnant almost 2 years ago, so I should be happy, right?
But I'm not sure I've been ED free..
Not only is the mindset still there, but I go on small binges (I think) too.
I will go and eat a sandwich, then another, then some chips or something, then a dessert.. and I've been hiding how much I eat from everyone.
I will eat lunch, then go out with someone and eat more (pretending I never had lunch), then get something for dinner, then have dinner with my family..
This can't be healthy either... ugh.. why why why can't I just eat like a normal person???
the mindset is sooooooooooo hard to get over. And i know exactly how you feel...that desire to eat and then eat some more. I had a big problem with bouncing around too between anorexia and then going into recovery and eating lots and then going into bulimia because i wanted to eat but not gain the weight.....then i would get sick of having to vomit or use laxatives so i'de start starving myself again...it was a vicious circle. It's one thing to do weight restoration but it's another world to be "in recovery" that mindset working on that and whats going on internally is what is going to get you healthy. the same thing that drives someone to starve themselves is the same thing that causes them to binge or binge and purge or hoard food or overexercise....
Are you currently in any groups or therapy?? If not you may want to look into at least a group like ANAD that's free.
No groups nearby that I know of, and any long distance ones would require me to find a ride. I haven't had the money OR time to get my license.
Finding a ride would require me to actually admit to someone that I have an ED, so I'm not sure I can do it.
When I stopped starving myself, my parents had JUST begun to get suspicious, so they don't know how bad it really was.
I've been doing okay lately.
I've been sick, so I've been eating less than I usually do, but still having the calories I should..now to keep it up!
I just bopped into this room today...not sure you will even come back to read this post.
BUT, I do know that what is happening right now is a common occurance in pre-recovery. Especially from anorexia. It is the mindset that if you are already eating, you might as well eat more. And when you starved your body for so long, you go a little nuts when it comes to eating. I never suffered from symptoms of bulimia. I was a "straight" anorexic...could never make myself puke (physically, not emotionally!) and therefore never binged in my illness.
However, about a year after being out of treatment and maintaining that barely-normal recovery stage...I went on steroids to balance out liver levels that were damaged in my illness. They made me gain weight (normal side effect). So my mind literally just flipped. I know I binged every couple days for prolly 6 months. And naturally gained a "decent" amount of weight. In a way...it was a turning point for me. I gained the weight, was actually heavy for the first time in my life. And yet, my family could not have been happier, I felt better than did when I was sick and even before, I did not change emotionally at all. If anything I felt better emotionally. The crazy obsessions were a little less dramatic. The mental hammering got quieter. And something about that helped me regulate myself. I stopped binging and ate a normal diet, losing the excess gradually. Then I got pregnant with Liam and lost more after he was born. I can honestly say that since that time period, the thoughts have diminished greatly and I find there are days it does not even cross my mind.
Even though it can be scary, this might be the beginning of getting better for you. Allow your body some leeway right now. It might not be "healthy," but it is certainly no worse than what you were doing previously! And you might find three months from now you are onto a whole new healthy level. If it gets worse though, I would look into talking to someone professionally about it. If you are getting more obsessive or having purging issues. But please know this is not a "weird" occurence or something that always means something bad. It happened to me and even though it was hard and confusing, it ended up being a blessing in disguise. I hope you are feeling better now
I agree so much with Ashlee - this really might be a great beginning stage of recovery as overwhelming and challenging as it feels. There is a saying at the start of recovery that was soooo true for me FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT. The mind can take a long time to catchup to what we do to our bodies in recovery...you just have to keep going through the motions of what you need to do to be healthy and trust that your mind will get there and your body will balance out - but it takes time. I did that for awhile, while continuing to do my daily positive affirmations (didn't believe them when i started saying them, but i kept doing it until i did!), therapy, eat what i know i needed to, food journaling, regular journaling, finding back up plans...things to do instead of binge, that my family know warning - i need your help rules, words and signs, i made the most supportive atmosphere that i could.
I'm hoping that I found the turnaround point where I can eat healthily. I was put on Zoloft for my depression and noticed that my appetite is becoming less and less and I'm only able to eat normal portions (which I force.. I have a weird, tense feeling in my stomach that makes me not hungry at all). I'm sure the side effect will fade (only on day 3 right now) but I'm hoping it will teach me to eat normally.
Thanks for the replies Definitely good to know I'm not alone!