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Hi there. I am new to this board. I am glad I found it because I am having a really rough time and need some support from ladies who understand how I feel. Here is my story.
Over 14 years ago I was diagnosised with Anorexia and Bulimia. I made a great recovery and have never really had too much of a problem with the negative thoughts and feelings about how I look. Each time I have been pregnant I have never worried about how much weight I have gained or how long it is going to take me to get it off. It has never phased me. Until recently I have never really given much thought to my eating disorder nor really worried about it.
This pregnancy I have had a rough time with my body image. I havenít gained a whole lot of weight, but I feel nothing but fat. I will go all day on one meal. I know it isnít healthy and I try to force myself to eat more than one meal a day, but I am never hungry. Or if I do manage to make myself eat I feel sick. I honestly donít know how I am gaining weight. My husband noticed it before I got pregnant. I had minimized my eating so much. I donít know how my husband figured it out long before I did. I kept telling him it was no big deal, I wasnít hungry and there was nothing to worry about. I would eat when I was hungry. I was lying to him as well as myself.
I was going through my pre-pregnancy clothes recently. I realized that in the 2-3 months before I got pregnant I went down about 4 pants sizes! Definitely not normal when I wasnít working out. I look at them and want to cry. There is no way in hell I am ever going to fit back in those clothes again. I am huge! I have already gained over 30 lbs this pregnancy and I still have 3 months to go! Not to mention, I am 30, my body isnít going to bounce back like it did when I had my daughter 8 years ago.
I started to realize I had a problem before my husband left. I found myself not wanting to be intimate with him because I couldnít understand how he could ever be attracted to someone who looked like me. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was a big fat blob. Yes my belly is round, but the rest of me just looks flabby and fat. I hate it. It still makes me want to cry. I canít stand seeing myself look like this. I am so miserable about the way I look I want to cry. I donít know why I put so much stock into how I look. I have never been one of those people that cares that much. But now I care more than anything. I want to be thin and pretty, but I donít think I ever can be. I am afraid my husband is going to see me exactly how I do, a big, fat beached whale.
I just want to love myself and I donít know how. I am hoping that once this baby is born I can loose some of these negative thoughts as I start to loose some of the weight I have gained. I am hoping that by the baby arriving and having to concentrate on him/her plus two other kids I can stop focusing so much on how I look, but instead focus on being healthy.
i knooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww how you feel about the weight gain. And although i know 30lbs seems like so much it really isn't - a lot of it is water, fluid, your blood volume, baby, placenta etc. With DS i gained about 20lb in JUST extra water weight it was ridiculous. I gained - hold yourself 80something lbs with DS - yep but by his first birthday i was back at my healthy target weight - and i did it still eating healthy foods. With DD I gained 57lbs I was on partial bedrest at 29 weeks and full bedrest at 30 weeks. So i felt like a beached whale having to lay down and do nothing but eat. I'm 9 1/2 months out and once again back to a healthy target weight. With DS i really had a hard time body image wise especially because i had just started recovery when i got prego. It's a lot of change. And i had to actually work hard to just try to relax and enjoy my pregnancy as much as I could and enjoy having him grow. With DD the pregnancy part wasn't hard it was after that it hit me much harder than after DS - but again, i tried to focus on having energy for myself so i could function and for my kids.
I know it sucks feeling fat -but remember you're not actually fat your pregnant!- and seriously when i had anorexia/bulimia i never actually felt good anyway, you still feel like cr*p about yourself, your tired, worn down, emotional and focused pretty much just on food. I'd rather try getting over feeling cr*ppy and being able to enjoy my kids, NWIM?
And don't wait for baby to be born - start doing positive affirmations and self talk now ... you can feel great about your pregnant body and all the amazing things it's doing for you! It takes a long time to undue all the negative talk we do to ourselves and the impact that makes. Think about the way that you talk to yourself in your head ... would you do it to your friend? your daughter? well .. than you shouldn't be saying it to yourself. try to focus on saying some positive things to yourself and rebuilding the relationship with who you are.
Try hard not to focus on the weight gain ... you know how to loose it - you've done it 2x before - and honestly at 30 it won't be harder - you're still young! And 30yrld bodies can bounce back too.
sorry for the crazy long post! Welcome! And please feel free to come here for anything - support, a vent a questions etc.
I understand that feeling, and ditto to what alethia has already said. You can't wait for the little one to be born to begin to feel better about yourself.
When I was pregnant with DD all I had to constantly remind myself as to why my body was going through so many changes...
It was hard but it got me through it and even now, 2 years after having her.