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I've denied and denied it but, the realization has finally hit me.. I have an eating disorder. But, since I don't have Anorexia or Bulimia so I never equated what I do to being a "disorder". I am a binge eater triggered by moments of frustration at not being able to fulfill my perfectionist ideals of who I should be. I have a lot on me as I know most people do. I am a SAHM. I am a homeschool mom. We live paycheck to paycheck. I BF my children until they're two y/o. I cloth diaper, don't have a dishwasher and we eat as organic or natural as possible. We recycle anything and everything we can. We try to make as many homemade gifts or items as possible. We're trying to eat made from scratch meals. We just moved here a yr ago, bought our first home. Trying to get it the way we always dreamed and take care of the 3 children and pets while DH is at work all day and he comes home frustrated from work. I can't go anywhere bc we have only one working vehicle right now which is expected to change sometime over the next few weeks. I feel isolated and lonely.
My mother just had major surgery and really could have died (12 hr surgery followed by a 4 hr surgery). She is the only one I can talk to anymore about my stress. All my friends do is complain about their lives to me. It's always about them. If I say anything about me, they don't take me seriously. They do not know how much I'm upset everyday. They do not know that when I get frustrated, upset, or bored I eat such a huge amount in one sitting. 1-2 servings of something is never enough for me. I eat 4-8 servings 3 times a day. I do not snack in between. It's not from hunger. I used to think it was but today I paid attention. I do it when I become overwhelmed with my "to do's", when I think of how I don't measure up to others, or when I want to relax. I used to smoke but haven't in about 2 yrs. I don't drink or use drugs. I don't cut myself or any other form of mutilation but I used to. I just eat way too much when I do eat. A desperate feeling comes over me and I HAVE to fill the void. I start with 2-3 servings and then I go back for another and then my kids bring me their leftovers and then I take a few more bites or a whole other serving or two while putting the leftovers away or I finish off the food so I don't have to put it away.
We can't afford counseling, or a dietitian. I don't know what I'm going to do. I've ignored this problem for way too long. I'm 200 lbs and I have no confidence. I've seen bigger women than me with 100 times the confidence I have. I can barely leave the house with the shame I feel about my body. I feel like everyone thinks I'm disgusting and doesn't want to talk to me. It's hard to talk to other parents and portray a strong person bc I'm not feeling strong.
I want help. I want to stop viewing food as a release and start viewing it as what keeps me alive. We avoid processed foods but I use lots of cream and sugar in my numerous cups of coffee I have to have everyday. I have a no thyroid and take replacements so I get overheated very quickly and can't go outside during the summer very much. I don't exercise indoors either though bc I always put it off for when my chores are done, which they never ever are.
I googled this searching for things I could do to correct my behavior and didn't come up with much. I mainly just needed to vent but if you know of anything that could help me stop binging, that'd be great. My dad, the alcoholic, is a binge eater too and he's not a healthy man. I want to fix this before I turn 30 in March. I want to feel normal about my eating habits. I want to be healthy.
Thank you so much Jade. Really like your ideas and will use them The writing my feelings is right up my alley. It would be way better than eating them. I have not binge ate since before I wrote this post out. But dinner is almost finished. That will be the test. It's tuna noodle casserole I made from scratch.
I was talking to my mom earlier and venting and it started spilling out about how much I actually hate food. It's such a pain and ordeal to me. I know it's necessary but I hate making it, I hate bothering with it so I eat the most convenient things I have around and get eating over with but once I start, I overdo it.
I did have an issue with anorexia when I was 16. I would only eat a small bag of chips in the morning and vegs for dinner. The only reason I started to eat was I met my DH when I was almost 17 and we smoked marijuana a lot and I started enjoying food too much with the munchies. Of course that ended yrs ago but the overeating did not. When I talk about how much I hate food, that old familiar feeling came back, the feeling of not wanting to eat anything at all like I did in highschool. One reason I realized today that I have a real problem with my relationship with food is because I have been contemplating quitting eating all together for the past few days and I knew that was a very bad idea. If my mind was going there then my thinking must be very off.
My mom says that the fact that I'm acknowledging I have an issue is very good bc most in my place would be in denial which I have been for yrs. I thought that bc I don't snack that I really just have a healthy appetite for eating so much at each meal.
it's sounds like you're going through a lot and overwhelmed. Which i can completely understand. There is free group help out there -- you can look at OA or NEDA or ANAD all of them offer group counseling - which was sooo helpful for me in the past. I know how it feels to know you need help but not be able to feel like you can afford it. but there really are alot of "free" options - somethingfishy.org has so many great suggestions and you can join their discussion board, and also look for local groups. I dont know if you've also looked for councilors with sliding scale fee's but that could help. It;s soooooo hard to be in that place of frustration and desperation and not feel like you have anything or one to help you. although this board isn't crazy active - we're all sill here for you!!! Mealplanning always helped not only with my budget but with ED issues too - along with shopping for only a few days instead of a week - so i wouldn't eat a weeks worth of food in a binge if i had one. It can be a pleasant and fun experience to go shopping frequently with the kiddo's and have them help pick out the things on the list.
Thank you Alethia I will definitely look into those free options and the somethingfishy discussion group. I wish I could just hit the grocery store every few days but DH does all the shopping in bulk because he works at Costco.
But last night and today I've done pretty well. A trick I used last night was to drink a liter of water before I ate. I'm going to continue to do that and if I start feeling overwhelmed and anxious today, I'm going to start writing. So far so good but I haven't set out to do anything yet today. Just been goofing around on email and JM.