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Im not super new here I promise..I just don't come around much because this board has been so inactive..I can't say I remember the exact moment or anything..but after a lot of therapy theyve pinpointed a probable cause..Havent quite made it past that yet but its something to work with.
There was a lot going into my disordered habits (to start, I was abused sexually by my stepfather for several years, and compulsively ate in an attempt to make myself ugly), but I think the turning moment was one of great shame.
I was fourteen and my mom had paid for me to go to a diet clinic with her that actually gave you appetite suppressants and vitamin shots. I was something like 190lbs and only 5'3" at the time, and I was very tired of the kids in school mooing at me. It was supposed to be all protein for the first week, and, for some reason, she decided to send me to visit my grandparents in another state during that week. Only five days in I snapped and ended up eating like, 12 fudge pop-tarts and a bunch of biscotti (my guest bed was right next to their downstairs pantry). Once the binge had passed, I was so ashamed of myself, and all of the money my mom was wasting on me, I figured that the only way to make things better was to get it back up. It all started from there.
I had a Livejournal blog and very quickly discovered "dieting" groups that molded me into an anorexic with bulimic tendencies and a compulsive exerciser. Nearly eight years later and I'm still trying to figure out how anyone diets away a lot of weight without losing their mind to an ED.
I am so sorry I posted and neve replied. Classes have been kicking my butt!
I've had binge eating disorder (BED) for as long as I can remember. My childhood was very rough. My mom was very sick (physically and emotionally). I was physically and emotionally abused by her most of my life. She liked to use food as a reward and lack of for punishment. I can't remember her ever saying I was beautiful. I was always told I was disgusting and fat. I was also sexually abused by a few of her boyfriends and one of mine years ago. Eating was the only solace I had.
I think the bulimic and anorexic tendencies weren't really triggered until I was around 19 or 20. A family member who meant well would always comment that I was eating too much and made me even more self concious of it. Because I lived with her I just stopped eating. I may have eaten no more than 300 calories a day and it was nothing but chicken and steamed veggies. I also would workout until I fainted. I dropped over a hundred pounds in a short amount of time. The bulimic tendencies didn't rear their head until I was around 21 and dating my now DH.
The worst and most embarrassing part is having an ED and still being ridiculously overweight. It's embarrassing. I just have to come to terms with the fact that I will never have a normal relationship with food.
Big thanks to *Kiliki* for my GORGEOUS siggy! [/URL]