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Panic disorder (a little vent/freak out)


Forum: Due Date Club of September 2014

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  • 1 Post By MrsLat
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  • 1 Post By rebeccabaltimore and more
  • 1 Post By Believingforonemore
  • 1 Post By ..Michelle..

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  #1  
January 15th, 2014, 01:23 PM
..Michelle..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Central Illinois
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I have bipolar 1 as well as social anxiety, depersonalization disorder, panic disorder, slight agoraphobia and anxiety attacks.
I've been off my meds completely since the middle/end of September 2013 so we could safely TTC. Got my BFP on December 27th and up until a week ago the anxiety was under control. Not gone, but manageable.
For the last few days I don't sleep, I have panic attacks when I feel the littlest things and my mind is racing. I feel like a manic episode is coming on because I recognize my symptoms and see the signs.
I go to my OB on Friday at 9am and I don't know if I can wait that long....just because I feel like I'm going out of my mind.
Since losing our son in 2008 I feel like I can't enjoy this pregnancy...like I know something is going to go wrong. At 5 months PG is when we found out about Roman's hydrocephaly and all I can think about is that something is wrong because I have no morning sickness right now...that I'm not "normal" and it's freaking me out.
Then when he came unexpectedly at 30 weeks, 2 days we found out about the cerebral palsy, blindness and he contracted spinal meningitis.
I'm just so worried ALL THE TIME and can't calm down. Before, my meds helped me to be calm but now I have nothing, just relaxation techniques that AREN'T HELPING
I am not going to say I can't do this because, well I HAVE to....but jeeze....it's just becoming SO HARD and I'm only a little over 7 weeks along! I've got (hopefully!) 33 more weeks to bake this bub and I just don't know how I'm going to do it.

Edit to say - I was on my bipolar meds the whole time with Roman and was told that's why he had the problems he did. Right now I can say I will NOT take meds while pregnant for fear the same thing will happen again. Those feelings may/can change in the future but right now meds are NOT an option for me and I'm scared.
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Last edited by ..Michelle..; January 15th, 2014 at 01:40 PM.
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  #2  
January 15th, 2014, 01:47 PM
MrsLat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I can certainly relate to some of the things you said. I have severe social anxiety and panic disorder. Also depression with some bipolar tendencies (but I haven't ever been diagnosed officially as bipolar). So I understand how the anxiety can just make it impossible to relax and enjoy the pregnancy. I have been struggling with some pretty severe insomnia because of the anxiety.

I always try to avoid medication while I am pregnant but I am thinking I am going to ask to be put on a low dose anti-depressant this time around. Just to help a little with the anxiety so that I don't stress myself and the poor little baby out for the next 9 months. I know its not ideal, but I think it is the best decision for me and my baby
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  #3  
January 15th, 2014, 01:54 PM
..Michelle..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm not bashing meds at all, just SUPER scared because of last go round. Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I know I'll be on something before this bub comes. It's just scary to me and there are a lot of meds I'm already allergic to that are for my chemical imbalance :/
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  #4  
January 15th, 2014, 01:59 PM
MrsLat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I really hope you find something that can help. Do you have insurance coverage for some counseling? Sometimes just venting the stress on a regular basis to a non-biased person can be helpful.

I know you aren't bashing meds . They can be scary! I have been taking a bipolar med and its dangerous so I refuse to take it. I am going to have to switch to a regular SSRI. Which I know will only tame the fire for me *sigh*

I hope you find some things to help you cope with the anxiety, if you find anything helpful, be sure to send the info my way
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  #5  
January 15th, 2014, 02:28 PM
..Michelle..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't have insurance. I'm self pay whenever I go to a doctor. I used to have insurance and saw a counselor for 1 on 1 therapy weekly or bi weekly. Now, it's $128 per hour to see her. I applied for Medicaid but haven't heard anything back yet. I can get counseling w/ help thru Medicaid.
I tell DH when I'm having a stressed day and he understands a little. He'll say everything is fine and that we can talk about it. But some of my fears are so irrational that it seems stupid to talk about it, like it's trivial and he won't "get" why it's upsetting me. But at least he tries and I'm so appreciative for that
It will get easier I hope and having this board definitely is helping! 's to you too!
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  #6  
January 15th, 2014, 02:44 PM
MrsLat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Aw, I know that feeling too. If only you knew how many times I had called my hubby at work from the bathroom to cry. Seriously some of the things were so irrational I could tell he was holding back a laugh. He has told me that I can turn anything from a hill to Mt. Everest.

Keep on Medicaid until you get approved. And vent here. These boards are wonderful for that. You can always PM me if you think its too irrational for the board . And we can freak out together. Hugs to you too.
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  #7  
January 15th, 2014, 04:18 PM
Pray, then pray some more
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I'm not a part of this DDC and maybe this is inappropriate but I'll say it anyways. First know I am praying for you. If you are not a woman of faith I hope I don't offend you. But have you tried turning to God on this one? Pray, beg and plead for Him to help you through this pregnancy. This may be a time in your life that you have to learn to really lean on Him until you can start your meds again. Prayer is easy. It can be as simple as saying God I'm trusting you for positive outcome on this. Help me to get this under control. Every time you feel anxious pray. Sorry if I offended you but I had to put it out there. I hope that you have a happy healthy baby and you make it through without too much anxiety.
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  #8  
January 15th, 2014, 05:29 PM
rebeccabaltimore and more's Avatar (rebeccabaltimore)
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If you ever want to feel better about meds, I'm around. Grant had post birth complications (in his case due to Lexapro, not any of the other meds I was on) but came home as healthy as a horse. A baby horse I mean.
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  #9  
January 15th, 2014, 07:20 PM
..Michelle..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Believingforonemore View Post
I'm not a part of this DDC and maybe this is inappropriate but I'll say it anyways. First know I am praying for you. If you are not a woman of faith I hope I don't offend you. But have you tried turning to God on this one? Pray, beg and plead for Him to help you through this pregnancy. This may be a time in your life that you have to learn to really lean on Him until you can start your meds again. Prayer is easy. It can be as simple as saying God I'm trusting you for positive outcome on this. Help me to get this under control. Every time you feel anxious pray. Sorry if I offended you but I had to put it out there. I hope that you have a happy healthy baby and you make it through without too much anxiety.
You're not out of line at all. I don't have a set faith or religion. I do believe in GOD but am not an avid person to pray. I am still jilted after losing our son. I am so tired of hearing "GOD never gives you more than you can handle." Because that is complete B.S. Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate you stopping by to read my post

Rebecca- I was on Seroquel, Lexapro and Depakote when I was preggo with Roman. I know they are the cause of his problems. I'm hoping that my doc is open to possible suggestions about some type of med in case I'm in the horrible position of "we need to do something now or I'm going to admit myself" kinda thing. I'm in no way a danger to myself, I'm always afraid I could hurt others. Mainly because of the Fight or Flight response. I don't ever want to hurt someone but blocking my way so I can't leave is NOT the way to get what you want from me; and just thinking about it scares me. That's one of the things my meds helped with...was keeping me from thinking about all of the what-ifs and maybe's. I'm just a big blob of feelings and feel like I'm in the same situation I was at when I was first diagnosed
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  #10  
January 17th, 2014, 03:19 PM
Pray, then pray some more
Join Date: Jan 2013
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As a woman of faith I too get tired of hearing God will never give you more than you can handle. NO WHERE in the Bible does it say that. Believe me I've looked. I think if someone said that to me after losing one of my babies I'd slap them in the face. Seriously that's how much I hate it. I'm not sure where that comes from. I think for some people it's comforting. Maybe they actually believe it. Maybe they've never had real heartache. I know better. But we are promised the opposite actually. Bad things do happen to good people, to ignore that with some cliche is insensitive. People mean well, I suppose just like I do. When someone hurts the way you have people are really at a lose as what to say. I know I am.

I'm praying for you. You are blessed even though it's hard to see. You are able to assess yourself and see where you have problems. Most people are not able to see things about themselves like you are. So with that in mind between that and your Dr's advice you'll make it through this pregnancy. Sometimes we have to look for the small things we are blessed with to recognize the bigger things.

I hope (and my hope is in Christ) that this pregnancy goes perfect and when you hold that baby in your arms all that you went through will just become a distant memory.

Girl you got this.
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  #11  
January 17th, 2014, 05:13 PM
..Michelle..'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Believingforonemore View Post

I'm praying for you. You are blessed even though it's hard to see. You are able to assess yourself and see where you have problems. Most people are not able to see things about themselves like you are. So with that in mind between that and your Dr's advice you'll make it through this pregnancy. Sometimes we have to look for the small things we are blessed with to recognize the bigger things.
I hope (and my hope is in Christ) that this pregnancy goes perfect and when you hold that baby in your arms all that you went through will just become a distant memory.
Girl you got this.
Thank you so much! I needed a "pick er upper" today and just got it from you!
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