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since when are people entitled to be in delivery room?!


Forum: September 2014 Playroom

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  #1  
August 16th, 2014, 11:59 PM
bandriessen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Seriously?

I hadn't decided yet if I wanted my mom in the room when the baby is born. It's nothing personal is just.... she can stress me out. I love my mom but every since my Dad died she's had a bit of a problem with alcohol and depression. It is crazy how she can flip from personality to personality. She needs help and I can't get it for her or make her. I feel so...stressed out and anxious. It was bad enough losing my dad the way we did but to watch your mother deteriorating in front of you it forces you through the whole process again. She's not a bad person-she just needs help.


That being said- I'm not condoning her behavior, she was very out of line. This is what happened:


She is so excited about the baby it is her first grandchild. I have never asked her to be in the room, in fact all I've asked is if she could stay at my house with my dogs while we're in the hospital. Well- clearly she had assumed I wanted her there. We Were at my Aunt's eating dinner and of course my mom had been drinking when we arrived. Mom made a comment about having her camera all charged up and ready for the big event! i kind of laughed and said yeah if you're allowed in the room! And she his what is that supposed to mean? I said well just that I haven't decided yet if I want you to be in there or not because sometimes you stress me out. She looked at me like I had horns growing out of my head! DH was sitting there and jokingly said I thought it was a 2 person decision anyway and out of nowhere my mom says well then "f off".....


i said excuse me? And she repeated herself. I was so stunned I didn't even react at first. I think I said are you kidding me? I'm still shaking my head over it. It really has upset me. A lot. She didn't say another word to us all night, nor did we to her and that was on Thursday night. I still haven't heard from her.... and I haven't tried.


I can't believe she reacted that way! Drinking or not she never said anything so hateful. That type of language in that tone is something I have never said to anybody let alone someone u care about! And I certainly won't have my son exposed to it. The whole situation is just sad, honestly. It's stress that I do not need right now.


What would you do in this situation? I'm sorry to lay such heavy stuff down here but after 48 hours of trying to handle it internally I could use some input. Labor can be long and it's not like I didn't want her there at all but I feel the pushing and when he's born is a special moment that I want DH and I to have together, alone. I guess that makes me a horrible person.
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  #2  
August 17th, 2014, 12:08 AM
KeliRevels's Avatar Super Mommy
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Yikes. I'm dealing with a similar situation with my mother, though she hasn't handled it THAT poorly. I'm sorry I struggled because I didn't want to hurt her by not having her there, but ultimately, this is YOUR experience and you need to make choices and decisions that are best for you and the healthy delivery of your baby and if that means that your mom has to wait to meet your little guy (especially if she is going to bring that attitude!) then so be it.

I would calmly and honestly explain to her that you just want the smoothest possible labor and delivery and don't mean for her to take it personally and let her deal with how she handles that. You can't please everybody! I'm learning this slowly.

Sorry you're stressed. That's miserable =\
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  #3  
August 17th, 2014, 12:43 AM
bandriessen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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You are right it is my decision. Right now though I feel like she needs to understand that being in the delivery room should be the least of her concerns. She needs to get her life in order if she expects to be a part of ours. She never let my brother and I be around drunk people or used bad language so why does she think I would? Is such an awful situation.
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  #4  
August 17th, 2014, 07:53 AM
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My mom could be your mom's twin. Since my dad died of melanoma back in 2007 she has started drinking and smoking like crazy. I can't talk to her afyer 6pm on anyday bc she gets nasty when she is drunk. She has told me she won't be at the birth if I don't give birth during the day bc she needs her sleep (in other words...she will be too drunk to drive). She was at my first three childrens birtb and very supportive. My last baby was born late at night and I called to tell her I was in labor and she yold me good luck and hung up. DH calles to let her know Braydens stats when he was born and the next mornjng she still thought I was pregnant bc she totally blacked out and didn't remember any of the conversations.

To me its no longer worth the drama. I will call to tell her when Adrianna gets here but thats it. You need to be relaxed in the labor room to progress and have a smooth labor--protect that right! Its your birth not hers!
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  #5  
August 17th, 2014, 09:12 AM
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You just need to be firm with her, and also let her know you won't tolerate her verbal abuse.

My (sweet wonderful) little sister wanted to be in the delivery room with me with #3...It really stressed me out, but I didn't want to be rude. Well when things started getting really painful and I started getting loud, I asked her to leave. I really hurt her feelings, but I just wasn't comfortable with that. Since then, it's only been me and my Husband.


It's the most painful experience of your life--don't let anyone push you around on this one. LOL.
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  #6  
August 17th, 2014, 09:28 AM
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Do not let her guilt trip you or stress you out. This is an experience of a lifetime for you and DH ...she has had her experience long ago!

For each of my deliveries it has only been my husband and I. It has been some of the most beautiful moments in our relationship and I would not trade that privacy or intimacy for anything.

There will be plenty of time for her to come to the hospital after you give birth.
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  #7  
August 17th, 2014, 10:28 AM
bandriessen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Wow Elizabeth, that is awful! My mom typically doesn't get mean she just gets "out of it" due to the medication she's on. I think she believes she doesn't have a problem because she doesn't drink all day long and she works. But I also don't bother talking to her after 6pm. That's like the cut off. It's pointless.

I sent her a text and said whenever you're ready to discuss what happened the other night, let me know. She hadn't said anything yet. I won't be kissing her butt, however I will sleep better when it's settled.
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  #8  
August 17th, 2014, 11:02 AM
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I wouldnt even let it be a discussion anymore. I would simply say that you decided you want to keep the birth just you and your husband. You dont want or need any distractions or anything, just make it a special time for the two of you to become the three of you.

Then IF you change your mind later and want someone else there, you arent 'taking it away' from anyone.
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  #9  
August 17th, 2014, 11:33 AM
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I am in a similar situation. My mother wants to be in the room with me and DH but I honestly don't want her in the room. When I was pushing with DD she kept stressing me out. But I feel terrible telling her I don't want her in the room. I brought it up months back and she was not happy at all and said im your mother I will be in the room. I feel bad because we are so close I don't want to hurt her feelings at all. Im probably going to just let her be in the room as long as she doesn't talk!
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  #10  
August 17th, 2014, 11:37 AM
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You aren't being unreasonable at all! My mother doesn't stress me out and I don't think I want her at the birth either; I just want it to be my husband and I. I may be up to seeing her during certain parts of labour but even that I haven't decided on!

Edited to add: At our labour and delivery class, the midwife said that during labour and delivery, you want to have the same conditions that were in place when you made the baby. So having a stress-free environment is a must
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Last edited by BridgetHB; August 17th, 2014 at 12:21 PM.
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  #11  
August 17th, 2014, 02:02 PM
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My mom stresses me out, to say the least and I don't even allow her at the hospital when I'm in labor. She was in the waiting room with my first and came knocking on the door while I was pushing, wanting an update and wanting to trade places with dh. She's a nutjob and typically, I call her and let her know once I've delivered and when she and my stepdad can visit. This may sound awful but, I don't care about hurt feelings when I am having a baby. It's a special time for dh and I. She wasn't there when we made them so, she doesn't get to be there when we meet them. That all said, I am NOT close to my mother at all and the only reason I have any relationship with her is because she's a good grandmother.
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  #12  
August 17th, 2014, 03:04 PM
MrsLat's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My mom is the same way... an alcoholic. She thinks she isn't one either because she works and doesn't drink during the day. She drives me NUTS. I love her... but she drives me NUTS.

She can't be in the room because I am having a c-section, thank goodness! So that has never been a discussion for me. But you better believe she will be there the second I get out of the OR if I deliver during the day. I am just really hoping to go into labor in the middle of the night so she will be in bed, LOL.

I agree with the other ladies, just tell her that no one but you and your husband will be there. Not his mother, not anyone else. It will hurt, but hopefully she will get over it quickly.
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  #13  
August 17th, 2014, 03:20 PM
FlyingFlower's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Giving birth is one of the biggest experiences of your life, if not the biggest. DH and I didn't even talk about it beforehand which ended up being a mistake. This time, no one is there but me and DH the entire time. I could see maybe changing my mind during but for now, that's the rules. Don't feel bad if you don't want her there. It's weird to me that people feel like they should be allowed to be there and get offended when they're not wanted. Thank god my mom lives across the country because she'd throw a fit over not being allowed in.

Also I'd talk about how long after before you want her in. I remember MIL peaking her head in the door about 2 seconds after I got to hold DD which was about 30 minutes after she was born. So from that there is a new rule that no one can look in until DH goes out to get them.
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  #14  
August 17th, 2014, 05:58 PM
KeliRevels's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlyingFlower View Post
Also I'd talk about how long after before you want her in. I remember MIL peaking her head in the door about 2 seconds after I got to hold DD which was about 30 minutes after she was born. So from that there is a new rule that no one can look in until DH goes out to get them.
It is so weird to me that this is even possible! I guess I'm delivering in a birth center within the hospital so it is a little different but the waiting room is completely detached from the center - like, out the door of the 'wing' and down the hall. And I am SO thankful for that because I want to be able to recover and hop in a shower fast and spend some bonding time with just DF and the baby before having visitors and I will have no problem whatsoever leaving them in the waiting room if they somehow find out I'm in labor and try to come early. I don't want them hawking the nursing station and my room trying to get sneak peaks and stuff and hovering until I let them in. Nonsense! Ha.


And not being bratty about after delivery. I love my family and I'm excited for Lily to meet them and vice versa, but I can think of a few people who will be there that are the type that would just take her out of mine or DF's or a nurses hands because they feel ENTITLED (ugh, I hate that word!) I'll be ****** if somebody is going to bring that attitude in that close to bringing her into the world. Buzz off!



When we went in for the tour at 30 weeks, the nurses seemed REALLY great about regulating who is able to come into the room and when. We are able to set our own 'quiet times' and 'visitor times' and they enforce it well, probably because it is easy since the waiting room is completely detached.
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  #15  
August 17th, 2014, 08:37 PM
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So sorry you are having to deal with this. My mother has had some issues with medications over the last several years, and that's stressful enough without having to deal with it while pregnant and delivering.

I would just let it be known that you and dh want it just to be the 2 of you and tell it in a very straight forward way so that there's no question (maybe even text it). Then it's up to her how to react. It's crazy to be that anyone thinks they have the right to be in the delivery room.
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  #16  
August 17th, 2014, 10:03 PM
KeliRevels's Avatar Super Mommy
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Do you think that she would respond well/productively if you explained to her that you don't want that kind of influence around your little man?
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  #17  
August 17th, 2014, 10:41 PM
bandriessen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Depends on the time of day and a million other things.

I called her this afternoon. As I suspected, I am the one in the wrong bc i shouldn't have told her that she annoys me. I said ok, what I meant was you can stress me out. But if we're going to go this route then I'm confused as to what else you could have meant when you told me to f off?? All she could say was she didn't mean it, it just came out. I asked her if she really thinks that is something she would have said sober and she said her feelings would have been hurt regardless. I told her how I felt about her being in the room when he's born and she said she was never expecting to be. Uhm....ok mom. Sure. Whatever.


She was drunk again tonight and last night so it really doesn't have any effect on hey decision making. I'll just do what I have to do. Sometimes I really wonder why I wanted to move back here. Should have just stayed in Holland.
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  #18  
August 17th, 2014, 10:56 PM
KeliRevels's Avatar Super Mommy
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I'm sorry. I hate that you're dealing with unnecessary stress, especially from the people that are supposed to love and support you even extra given the circumstances. ((hugs))

Positive- you've learned what NOT to do with Parker, and he will be very thankful for it.
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  #19  
August 17th, 2014, 11:03 PM
bandriessen's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks Keli. *hug*
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  #20  
August 18th, 2014, 06:55 AM
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There's no reasoning with people who have substance abuse problems. From having them in my own family, I know that they tend to never be at fault for anything in their lives (in their view).

I am so sorry that you have to deal with such stress and craziness this close to birth, and involving the birth. At least it is very clear now that she is not expected to be in the room until you guys give the go-ahead.

It's so odd how people feel entitled to be part of such a personal, vulnerable time. Yipes.
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