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Need advise please ***Updatedin post#15": talked to SIL***


Forum: Due Date Club of November 2014

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  #1  
April 8th, 2014, 10:47 AM
~*Kixs*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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So I am pregnant with #4. We were going to tell DH's side of the family on Easter BUT....his sister has been TTC for a year (since she has been married) and it just isn't happening for them. She had fibroids in the passed and had them removed. She went to go see a fertility specialist last week and one of the fibroids is back and really big and basically causing her uterus to be misshaped and they think this is why she is NOT getting pregnant. She is planning to have surgery to remove it and then continue to TTC.

I don't want to down play this baby but I know it is going to be bitter sweet for SIL. I plan on calling her and telling her BEFORE Easter so she has time to process it. But how do I tell her? I want to be sensitive b/c I know how it feels to be the one who wants a baby so bad and not have one while everyone else seems to get pregnant easily. But at the same time this is happy news.

Any advise??? Please?
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Last edited by ~*Kixs*~; April 15th, 2014 at 12:02 PM.
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  #2  
April 8th, 2014, 10:49 AM
michelleH's Avatar Super Mommy
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Can you meet with her in person instead of telling her over the phone? I would tell her, and then focus on what she needs. "I know you've been trying for a while, is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?"
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  #3  
April 8th, 2014, 10:53 AM
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I am in a weird situation too. My SIL isn't TTC, but trying to get her husband to get a reverse vasectomy. They want one of their own, they each have kids from another marriage. But, he's not ready yet and she is raging with baby fever. We haven't told her yet. In fact, when we told DH's parents all my MIL could say after was "Oh, she's gonna be jealous." I know it sounds a little rude, but you should be happy about your baby. Even if it is #4...your SIL's time will come it is just harder for some than for others. I'm not letting my family bother me this time. I'm doing things the way I want. Just my 2 cents....maybe not much help, but that's the way I feel. These things you just can't rush.
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  #4  
April 8th, 2014, 10:53 AM
~*Kixs*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michelleH View Post
Can you meet with her in person instead of telling her over the phone? I would tell her, and then focus on what she needs. "I know you've been trying for a while, is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?"
I wish I could meet with her in person but that isn't possible with her work schedule and we live an hour away I hate having to do this over the phone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by miss_lyssa_ View Post
your SIL's time will come it is just harder for some than for others. I'm not letting my family bother me this time. I'm doing things the way I want. Just my 2 cents....maybe not much help, but that's the way I feel. These things you just can't rush.
I firmly believe they will have their kids in perfect timing! It just hurts my heart so much watching them go through this. They are the nicest couple and she is my kids Godmother. She is going to be a great mom! But she is also DH's older sister. She doesn't let to show much bit I know she is jealous that her little brother was married before her, had kids before her, even bought a house before her KWIM
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  #5  
April 8th, 2014, 11:09 AM
MommyOf22014's Avatar Sarah
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I think it is very nice and respectful of you to think of her first. Though you really don't have to. This is your baby be excited!!! In person would be better BUT since you can't the phone will have to do. Just explain how you feel about her issues and want her to know you are pregnant and don't want to hurt her. And if she asks of anything from you, as maybe she will be elated and not even care about her issues or she will be upset and not want to be around when you talk about the pregnancy. Just keep open communication but down play your pregnancy. That is unfair to you.
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  #6  
April 8th, 2014, 11:11 AM
WaitinginNJ's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I totally think it is respectful to tell her before you tell the family. I hope it goes well!
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  #7  
April 8th, 2014, 11:17 AM
~*Kixs*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you. That is great advise. I love my SIL to pieces! She is awesome. Unfortunately we don't see each other often b/c of distance and b/c she works so much. Plus her and her husband as the fun trendy type people and DH & I well we have 3 little kids and know every song to Frozen but know clue about hip stuff LOL Maybe that distance will be a good thing for all of us.

UGH...MIL made a joke to SIL about since I love being pregnant so much (I really don't!) that maybe I would be their surrogate. MIL doesn't know I am already pregnant *face palm*
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  #8  
April 8th, 2014, 11:26 AM
MommyOf22014's Avatar Sarah
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ~*Kixs*~ View Post
DH & I well we have 3 little kids and know every song to Frozen but know clue about hip stuff LOL. UGH...MIL made a joke to SIL about since I love being pregnant so much (I really don't!) that maybe I would be their surrogate. MIL doesn't know I am already pregnant *face palm*
Hahah so cute. It's ill haven't seen it but my son has with my mom. I may buy it for my daughter. And wow surrogate lol. Too bad your already pregnant. I heard either on Dr Phil or something how a woman's mother was her surrogate. More power to people who can do that. Idk about my mom carrying my baby haha.
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  #9  
April 8th, 2014, 11:40 AM
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As one who has had infertility issues, I know I secretly cried inside every time my younger sister or one of my friends got pregnant (we tried for nearly 2 years before it happened). I can admit - to you, not her - that I was actually mad at my sister for getting pregnant before when she first told me. But then, about 3 days later, I processed it and became SUPER excited. So I agree, giving her at least week (if feasible) will be very, very nice of you. And she will then be genuinely excited for you once she gets passed her emotions. Also, (and I do this now when I know one of my friends is dealing with infertility), make sure you don't let your family dwell too long on it in front of your SIL. I know that sounds selfish, because you are allowed to be so excited for your baby, but it will be so selfless and mean so much to you SIL. People with infertility already feel alone in the process, and it will make her feel she has a bosom buddy to share it with. Just my two cents for whatever they are worth... You are so awesome to be concerned, and it shows how good of a person you are!
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  #10  
April 8th, 2014, 11:58 AM
NYCgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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Smart move to tell her BEFORE you tell everyone. Be ready though it may not go well and family might takes sides as in feeling bad for you and possibly mad at you for sharing. Sadly this can get ugly. I think it is wonderful for you to think of her. Very kind.


My own two sister in laws are both childless and it is heartbreaking! We do have to down play things and I hate it. Be didn't tell them about my last until we were 20 + weeks and they were all so mad. My mother in law feels torn between her daughters and her son. They all resent us for our children. I feel sad about it. One of them has adopted a beautiful baby boy now but never came to terms with her infertility so she will be very bitter.
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  #11  
April 8th, 2014, 03:29 PM
ReaganorDean's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm more of an understated person, and when attention is focused on me I get uncomfortable (I'm weird). At my daughter's party on Saturday it was the first time I had seen everyone in person after telling them, and I was getting a lot of congrats. I downplayed it big time, because it was my daughter's day.....which is why I had told them a couple of days before. Long story short, I think it depends on your sister in law's personality. If she liable to think you feel sorry for her to tell her first, then you may want to tell her with everyone else. That being said, it sounds like you guys have a good relationship, so I would trust your judgment. If you downplay things a little bit for her feelings, I think that shows a lot of consideration. Good luck.
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  #12  
April 8th, 2014, 05:08 PM
~*Kixs*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReaganorDean View Post
If she liable to think you feel sorry for her to tell her first, then you may want to tell her with everyone else. That being said, it sounds like you guys have a good relationship, so I would trust your judgment. If you downplay things a little bit for her feelings, I think that shows a lot of consideration. Good luck.
All us girls have had trouble having babies. Step SIL had fibriods also and a m/c, I have had 4 m/c, and now SIL is having the fibriod issues again. This is something that is talked about pretty openly between us girls and the moms. I hope she wouldn't think that I was pitying her. Had not thought of it like that.
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  #13  
April 8th, 2014, 06:19 PM
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I have no biological children except for the one growing we have been trying for two years with three losses. Can I just say how wonderful it is that you are considering you SIL feeling in all of this! Everyone is their own person and there for will react in their own way but I can say from personal experience the first things I felt when family told me they were pregnant was depression and anger I knew it wasnt fair to think that way and it was nothing against the pregnant person it was a reflection about how I felt about my ttc process. Again I think its wonderful that you are considering her feeling in all this.
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  #14  
April 9th, 2014, 01:04 AM
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I have been open about our struggle to get pg with IVF and 2.5 years.
My sister had my beautiful nephew last Oct. I happen to be having a m/c literally the day she found out she was PG. I was jealous... It hurt. It was hard. BUT she knew how I felt without me having to say anything and just having her support and as much understanding as one could have (without having btdt) was amazing. While I was sad for me, I was so happy for her and I never wanted her to be uncomfortable or guilty (even though at times she was) and wanted only the best.
We grew so much closer during her PGY and she has hands down been my biggest cheerleader since (even though we had been TTC for a while before). She is weaseled her way into the appointment for the first u/s LOL!
So there are happy endings May not always be easy, but you sound like you have a kind heart and a good relationship. And odds are your babies will grow up together! My nephew and this baby will be almost exactly a year apart

Good luck and God bless you for being such a sweetheart.
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  #15  
April 15th, 2014, 12:02 PM
~*Kixs*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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So I talked to SIL this weekend. We had a really good talk about life in general and how she was doing and then I told her about the baby and she was so happy!!!! God love her she is awesome!

We had a good cry and I told her I was so worried it would upset her. She told me I am crazy and she knows that other people may get pregnant and have babies before her but she is okay with that and knows she will have her family even if she can't have children of her own. She is such a beautiful person <3
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  #16  
April 15th, 2014, 12:10 PM
MommyOf22014's Avatar Sarah
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Wow I'm so happy. You have an amazing SIL!!!!
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  #17  
April 15th, 2014, 12:12 PM
~*Kixs*~'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I really do!
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  #18  
April 15th, 2014, 12:34 PM
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I am sooo happy for you that it went over well...your sil is a gem for sure !
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  #19  
April 15th, 2014, 12:45 PM
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Wonderful, it sounds like it went over the best it possibly could. What a sweetheart she is.
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  #20  
April 15th, 2014, 12:52 PM
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I'm so glad it went well.
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