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hurt beyond words (vent) and very long


Forum: Due Date Club of November 2014

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  • 1 Post By michelleH
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  #1  
August 10th, 2014, 07:49 AM
neji's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: MA
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I'm a pretty private person so I don't usually post personal problems. This, I have to get out. My family and I do not have a good relationship. I have kept them at a distance to keep me from getting hurt but have also kept some form of a relationship. We are going through a tense time now because I have had to remind both my sister and my mom of this distance I'd like to keep and they are both angry at me and not speaking to me. That isn't the problem, ironically. The problem is, my husband's side of the family. My husband is from Korea and his parents and at least one of his brothers did not approve of our relationship. In fact, he was disowned for about a year because he was with me. The only thing that got his family speaking to me was that he had a brain tumor and got really sick. I guess they realized how silly they were being and came and apologized to me. Everyone except his one brother that is. His oldest brother never got involved in the drama so he didn't have anything to apologize for. So, for the past five years I've been welcomed with open arms into the family minus his brother. He's always been rude to me but a just silently say f you and avoid him. I am the kind of person that doesn't trust easily but when I do I give you my complete heart. His parents had my heart. I adore them and feel like I am closer to them and trust them more than I do my parents. In fact, all while I've been pregnant I've just wanted my mother in law near. I don't call her my mother in law usually. I just call her mom because that's how I feel. I feel as though she is my mom.
So, now that the background story is done, on to the crushing part. My father in law has just been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It has already spread to other areas and he has been given 6 months to live. The brother that doesn't like me called to tell my husband. In the conversation he told my husband not to bring me when he comes to see his dad. What hurt me was my husband said ok I'll come alone without even being offended or anything. I can forgive him because it is pretty devastating to hear that your dad doesn't have long to live. He said I could come for the funeral and I told him a also love his dad and would like to see him once before also. He was ok with this and I was ok also because I thought it was just his brother being a jerk. Later that day, he calls his mom to see how she's doing and she says the same thing. Don't bring your wife. He didn't even say we were coming or anything. She made it a point to say I wasn't welcomed. This hurt so bad because now I know I was never accepted into the family, I will never be accepted and all those nice words and hugs and apologize were just lies. I am crushed. The family I thought I had was just a lie. I was so excited for the future. I imagined our children spending the summer in Korea with the family and having fun. I made it a point to speak Korean at home so that I can learn it and we can teach our children Korean. Just so they'd be able to communicate with the family and be close. We are even planning to move back to Korea so we can be closer to his family since my family and I don't get along. Now I have to say, I hate to hear Korean. I don't hate Korea or Korean people I just am hurt and it hurts to speak it because I know what won't happen. Our children will never be accepted no matter how well they speak Korean and how close we live. I honestly don't even know if I will have them around his family. I know that I can't overcome this betrayal and want nothing more to do with them. I can't even imagine being in the same room as them. Much less pretending to be a family again. I will more than likely never speak to them again and I told my husband this. I haven't gone into details about how I feel to him because he's devastated about the news and doesn't need me adding to it. I did, however, feel it was very important for him to know that at least. He totally understood and apologized for his family. He did try to make excuses at first but I quickly stopped that. The only reason is that they are racist and will never get over it. I am just so sad. I have no family. After the baby is born I will be all alone. My husband doesn't get paid paternity leave and he's using his vacation to see his family this september. I am just so sad and feel so alone and devastated. So sorry to dump this on everyone... Just had to get it off my chest.
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  #2  
August 10th, 2014, 08:15 AM
michelleH's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: Rochester, NY
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There are many xenophobic cultures out there. I dealt with something very similar with the last man I dated before I met my husband. The attitudes are deeply ingrained and it is nearly impossible to change them, especially if they are still living there.

However, I have to say that the mother's sudden reversal may not be real. It could very well be the incredible stress of the looming loss of her husband and additional pressure from your husband's brother. She just may not have the emotional energy right now to keep up her side against the brother. I have sympathy for her honestly, but the brother needs a smack.


And speaking of smacks - your husband is in dire need of one. I understand that he is going to lose his father, but that is no excuse to abandon his wife's emotional needs. There is no way on earth he should be going to see his father without you. No way, no how. Absolutely not. You are married, you are a unit.


What state do you live in? I thought paternity leave was now required? We actually found out that it isn't for my husband's job because he is "essential services" but for everyone else I thought it was law. (I've been wrong before though!! lol )
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  #3  
August 10th, 2014, 09:28 AM
neji's Avatar Veteran
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I'm in MA. Paternity leave is mandatory, but it doesn't have to be paid. He can take time off without worrying about losing his job. He just won't be paid.I do feel bad for my mother in law. She is losing her husband and I can't imagine the pain she is going through. It is still hard to be singled out and excluded. Only I am not allowed to come and it hurts. I'm trying not to make it about me, but it's hard to offer support for something like this. It is also hard to forgive. I don't want my children to ever feel what I feel at this moment. Would I be a good parent to allow them in a situation where more than likely they will be made to feel unwanted and unaccepted? It might be easier to not have a relationship to begin with and explain why instead of have their love and trust shattered the first time his family gets tired of pretending.
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  #4  
August 10th, 2014, 09:54 AM
Rose
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NJ
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I don't have any great wisdom or advice but I am so, so sorry for all you are going through. And I hope when the shock settles and feelings start to dull there can be some sort of compromise made. I will be thinking of you.
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  #5  
August 10th, 2014, 10:07 AM
michelleH's Avatar Super Mommy
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I guess what I'm saying is that the mom may not have been "pretending" she may be yielding to pressure from the brother because she is in such an emotionally vulnerable state.

If you are being excluded it is up to your husband to grow a set and step up for you. Their treatment of you is inexcusable. Him going along with it is even worse. There is no way on earth he should be going without you. No way, no how. They are his family of course, but YOU are his wife. YOU are bering his child. What precedent is he setting for your child? "It's ok to disregard your mother's feelings and needs" I have a major problem with that.
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  #6  
August 10th, 2014, 10:49 AM
MadMay's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: WA
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I say family is meant to be loving and supportive and while there may be disagreements and the end of the day if they dont have positive intentions then they are not family. Same as distancing yourselves from your blood relatives. How is it beneficial for you or your child to have hateful people around?

My personal experience was my mil constantly disrespected me and I ignored it (backhanded comments) I only told my husband once that it bothered me and left it at that because I didnt want to be responsible for an argument. Well dh and his mom got in an argument and it was getting heated and I asked for them to please be quiet. (we live in a duplex and I didnt want to bother the neighbors) Mil starts literally screaming at me. At that point dh told her to leave the house and we havent talked to her since and I refuse to have anything to do with her.
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  #7  
August 10th, 2014, 12:41 PM
ReaganorDean's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there with disrespectful inlaws in the past (my ex husband). The bottom line for a lot of people is the belief that a husband leaves his mother for his wife. This is not to say that he disrespects or forgets his mother in any way. A man's wife should be the most important. Unfortunately, a lot of times culture can get in the way of this, where a man's mother is either equal, or more important. That's what I went through.

You want to be there to be supportive of your husband, and I fully understand why you're hurt. He should tell them that HE wants you there. They don't need to like you, but they need to show you respect as his wife. They obviously have no intention of doing this.


I think you can talk to your husband in a sensitive way, and let him know under no uncertain terms that you want to be there for him....and you don't accept them treating you like this. It sounds like you already did that.


If all else fails, and your husband isn't seeing the light that he has a great supportive wife, know you're definetly not alone.


Your baby needs your unconditional love and support. The only person's actions you can control in the end are your own. Just be proud and firm that you will not be passing these ways to your child. Stay true to yourself, and both you and your baby will be better people because of it. I hope your DH comes around. His family is placing him in a very uncomfortable situation.
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  #8  
August 10th, 2014, 05:29 PM
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I am so sorry you are going though this. My dear friend married into a Korean family and there were MANY struggles early on in the marriage and many more to follow once their first child was born.

The brother is wrong and it is sad no on has ever spoken to him about it. He will never come around. I too would be upset with my DH about it BUT as close as you are or feel to them... it is your DH's dad and he might need to grieve with them.


I think you have done the right thing with your own family keeping distance to protect yourself. I understand that.


Try to not be upset with you DH. Dealing with a death of a loved one can alter ones perception of things. If your DH has been supportive and kind to you dealing with his families mistreatment of you as a whole - give him some slack now. You should talk about it at a later time.



The culture is strong and can be very exclusive. You will always be the 'snowflake' to them. But carry on. You are carrying the grand baby and this can bring you closer.


Some families even with similar cultural identities never accept an 'outsider' that is how it is with my in laws. I am seen as OTHER. The one who took my DH away from THEM.


Crazy comes in all shapes, sizes and cultures. Be kid to others and true to yourself. Again i am sorry you are going though this.
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  #9  
August 11th, 2014, 05:21 AM
neji's Avatar Veteran
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Location: MA
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Thank you for the words of support. I think that's what I really needed. I'm hurt by their exclusion but I'm sad to say that it is not just my brother in law. My mother in law runs the family. She has a very strong, stubborn personality. In fact, it was because she said so that everyone 'accepted' me.
I am hurt by the exclusion but I think I'm more hurt because I'm not going to be able to say goodbye. I love him, too, and I am so saddened by the news. I'm so mad they are taking this away. I really don't think I can get over this and accept them once things settle. I'm not one to hold a grudge, but I had a very bad childhood and made a promise to myself when I grew up and got out of that mess that I would never put myself in a place where I didn't feel safe or happy. They don't make me feel unsafe, but I can never trust them again and they have definitely brought me pain. I know relationships with people comes with good and bad but I can't put myself in a place where this can happen again.
I told my husband that I was hurt because he just said ok I'll come alone without even blinking but that I understand because he had just received shocking news. I also said I wouldn't bring it up again because this is not the time. I just had to say it once because it was eating away at me and causing me to feel anger towards him.
This whole thing is just so painful. His brother in law said not to bring me and when my husband said he wouldn't he said not to bring our dogs either. He was more worried about me coming than our dogs! Of course we wouldn't have brought the dogs! I'm just sad that I'm even less welcomed than our dogs.
I have had my fair share of racism but I have never been brought down this low before. Maybe it's the hormones amplifying my feelings but right now I couldn't even imagine being in the same room as anyone involved. I'm also not expecting my husband to insist I be allowed because this is not the time for such a battle. It just would have been nice to hear him object and stand up for me. Even if they had agreed for me to come I wouldn't have. I'm not one to go where I'm not welcomed but knowing he was in my corner would have made this a little easier.
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  #10  
August 11th, 2014, 06:49 AM
KellJoO's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so sorry......that is so hard to deal with. I cant imagine.

I have to agree with Michelle on this. Emotions & your state of mind are scattered all over the place when shocking news like this comes. People do irrational things and say things they might not mean. It doesn't make it ok, it doesn't make it right.


I think that your husband needs to be more understanding of your wishes right now and understand why you are upset, I have complete empathy for you there, but again remember he's in the same boat.
But really, he needs to take into account your feelings too, you are his wife afterall. Like you said, I dont think you would expect him to overhaul everyone's decision and say that you're coming, but to at least be understanding of why you are hurt.


May I ask what you think his dad would want? Not that it sounds like he has much choice in the matter, but would he want to be around you before he died? If you ask me it should be up to him! People do crazy things when tragic news strikes. Its unfortunate that they made you feel so abandoned and pushed away. I'm so sorry.


My thoughts & prayers are with you and the family the next few months.
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  #11  
August 12th, 2014, 11:51 AM
HeartHelloKitty's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't really have any advice. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am that you are having to go through this.
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  #12  
August 13th, 2014, 04:52 AM
neji's Avatar Veteran
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I honestly don't know what my father in law would want. He's not one to share his emotions or opinion unless it is something he feels very strongly about. I really doubt they've even told him about my exclusion. He, for the most part, stayed out of the drama at the beginning of our relationship but did go along with the disowning of my husband. He has always treated me like a person. He's awkward around everyone in his family but he and I enjoy a lot of the same things so we get along pretty well. I know for sure that I have to speak to my husband about making decisions without first talking to me. He's planning on giving them a ton of money that we don't have. I also overheard him saying he was going to come visit during Christmas vacation. This was news to me so I asked him if that was his plan. He said yes and I said nothing. He then asked me if I wanted to come too. I snapped that I wanted absolutely nothing to do with his family. It still hurts that he's totally ok excluding me. He's making plans for future visits without even telling me or offering me a chance to come along. Not to his family's place but at least for moral support. In any case, I told him that I will already be alone right after the baby is born because he's using his vacation time to visit his family. Now I have to be alone again a month, if that, after the baby is born while he goes off to another country! He thankfully agreed it wasn't good timing and would plan to go later. I told him never to bring up my meeting his family ever again. I said I want to be supportive and I can't when it comes to talking about his family. His dad hasn't done anything to me so I can talk about his dad and I do feel terrible. But the rest of his family I feel nothing but anger towards. I need to find a way to overcome the anger which should come with time. I'm not one to hold onto anger but I also don't give my heart away twice.
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  #13  
August 13th, 2014, 06:29 AM
KellJoO's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry.

Its never a good time for people to get terminally ill, but this is just rotten. And the circumstances make it 100x more stressful for you. I wish you peace and hope that things get easier. Hugs
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  #14  
August 18th, 2014, 05:15 PM
neji's Avatar Veteran
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Just a quick update. I've come to terms with how things are with hubby's family. It's not worth stressing over and I obviously can't change their views. I still have to remind him not to justify my not coming. As it turns out, his dad has taken a turn for the worse and was admitted into intensive care for internal bleeding. Because of this my husband had to leave today which meant getting a ticket the night before. This was pretty expensive because of the short notice so we probably couldn't have swung two tickets. Now he's saying I wouldn't have been able to go anyway so it should be ok. I just told him that every time he justifies my not going hurts me more. It was decided that I couldn't come long before we looked at our finances and long before we knew we'd have to get a ticket at such short notice. I just wish I could be there for him. This is such a hard time for him and here I am in a totally different country. Hopefully his dad pulls through.
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