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How to answer???? "What baby is this for you?"


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  • 1 Post By BlueEyes09
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  • 1 Post By michelleH
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  #1  
April 9th, 2014, 09:19 AM
michelleH's Avatar Super Mommy
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So, though the number of people who know about the pregnancy so far is very small, I know the question will be coming in a few weeks. "Is this your first"? "How many do you have"?

What's the right answer????

I miscarried our first in January. So this is really our second. I know, people really mean "do you have any living children" but I feel bad ignoring the first life that we lost. Of course, random person that I don't really know, yes, I will say "yes it's our first" and be done with it. But I'm wondering more about other people.

Thoughts?
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  #2  
April 9th, 2014, 09:34 AM
MommyOf22014's Avatar Sarah
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I lost a baby in January too I'm still not open to talk about it. I assume when people ask they mean living. And plus I dont want to explain how I miscarried in January so I'm just pretty hush hush on that. That's just me though, I'm not as open as some are. More power to those ladies.
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  #3  
April 9th, 2014, 09:41 AM
BABY3.'s Avatar Veteran
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We unfortunately have suffered many losses. I try not to dwell. I just answer as if this child is born what number it would be..
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  #4  
April 9th, 2014, 09:46 AM
QuinnBaby's Avatar Veteran
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I have a friend who has one living child and two angel babies. She always says that she has three and then she explains...That is fine, but be careful not to make people feel too guilty about talking to you about your children. She gets really offended if someone says that she has one child even if they don't know about the miscarriages. It gets really uncomfortable sometimes, but I understand that she is hurting badly. I think it really just depends on what you are comfortable talking about...just your personal preference. Praying for a H&H9M for you!!
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  #5  
April 9th, 2014, 09:46 AM
The Purple Butterfly's Avatar Stacey
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I would say this is your first. You could always say, "We have an angel in heaven, so technically this will be our first." I don't think any pg should be left out. I do count my stillbirth because I carried to term and still had to birth an almost 10lb baby. It was very much like losing an infant.
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  #6  
April 9th, 2014, 10:13 AM
BlueEyes09's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Miscarriage is still something difficult to talk about, on both ends of the conversation. I'd just share what you are comfortable with. I wouldn't avoid certain conversations for the comfort of others, people will adjust.
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  #7  
April 9th, 2014, 10:25 AM
kellyowens's Avatar forever learning
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I have had 14 losses including two boys in the 2nd tri and if it's just a passing question I answer with how many living children. For me, it creates an awkward and confusing situation to mention my angel babies...people rarely know what to say and it tends to invite stupid comments or further questions I just don't want to deal with on the spot.

My least fav question is "what #pg is this for you"...it's usually asked by a medical professional, but rarely do they have a professional response .

I don't mind talking about my little ones though if it comes up in a conversation with someone I have talked with a few times but who doesn't necessarily know me well yet . We just moved here 2yrs ago and knew no one so I have had a few convos like that over the last couple years. I knew the women well enough by then though that I was pretty certain it wouldn't create any discomfort for either of us.
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  #8  
April 9th, 2014, 03:36 PM
tmmgeekette's Avatar Veteran
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Unless someone knows you've been pregnant several times before, they wouldn't ask "what baby is this for you". They'll ask if this is your first, or if you have any other kids already.

But... Unless you want to talk about the details of your previous losses or if you want people to give you a pep talk or you want them to feel sorry for your previous losses, keep the answer simple.

"This will be our first baby." That's all you need to say.
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  #9  
April 9th, 2014, 03:48 PM
NYCgirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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We too have had many losses. We count this as our 5th baby.
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  #10  
April 9th, 2014, 08:12 PM
-LovingLife-'s Avatar Ani LeDodi veDodi Li
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Personally I agree with Kelly. I've had 5 losses and people aren't really looking for a lot of info when they ask questions like that. Just small chit chat. So I answer this will be our 5th.
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  #11  
April 9th, 2014, 10:29 PM
Lucy S.'s Avatar POAS addict
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Totally agree... That's a lot of info when you start listing m/c (well for me it is). Most times they want to know about living children so I use that answer.
That said, I think I would feel differently with a still birth. I would probably make a point to add that baby.
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  #12  
April 10th, 2014, 09:10 AM
michelleH's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tmmgeekette View Post
Unless someone knows you've been pregnant several times before, they wouldn't ask "what baby is this for you". They'll ask if this is your first, or if you have any other kids already.
Right. They will ask "is this your first?" It's not my first. It's my second. My first didn't happen to be born, but it was still conceived. It was still loved. It was still wanted. It is still missed.




Quote:
Originally Posted by tmmgeekette View Post
But... Unless you want to talk about the details of your previous losses or if you want people to give you a pep talk or you want them to feel sorry for your previous losses, keep the answer simple.
Well, no, no and no. Don't care to go into details, don't need a pep talk, don't need sympathy.

I feel bad that I'm basically ignoring the life that we created and then died. It has nothing to do with needing attention.
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Last edited by michelleH; April 10th, 2014 at 11:10 AM.
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  #13  
April 10th, 2014, 10:02 AM
KellJoO's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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It really depends on the person for me, but I have no problem saying this will be our first living baby, one in heaven. Of course, that is a hope that everything goes fine and we do end up with a living child but you just never know.

I know how you feel about "ignoring" the first baby. It was still a baby, and we loved it just as much. Even though we didn't get to ever meet him or her, and I only carried baby until almost 7 weeks, they were still my child.
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  #14  
April 10th, 2014, 10:10 AM
michelleH's Avatar Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KellJoO View Post
I know how you feel about "ignoring" the first baby. It was still a baby, and we loved it just as much. Even though we didn't get to ever meet him or her, and I only carried baby until almost 7 weeks, they were still my child.
THIS. Exactly.
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  #15  
April 10th, 2014, 11:03 AM
kellyowens's Avatar forever learning
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michelleH View Post
Well, no, no and no. Don't care to go into details, don't need a pep talk, don't need sympathy.

I feel bad that I'm basically ignoring the life that we created and then died. It has nothing to do with needing attention.
(((Hugs)))...I totally get that. I think it's a personal choice and telling people with a smile you've got one in heaven and one on the way is perfectly fine . Do what you need to do momma !
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  #16  
April 10th, 2014, 02:30 PM
BSandDsMommy's Avatar Mommy to three boys
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I've had two, when asked I just say three...I just don't like the akwardness and the people that are close to us know we have hade 2 and just don't talk about it which I'm ok with. I think about them daily, actually every time I look at my three I have here and wonder if they'd look or act like them etc
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  #17  
April 10th, 2014, 05:36 PM
tmmgeekette's Avatar Veteran
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Quote:
Originally Posted by michelleH View Post
Right. They will ask "is this your first?" It's not my first. It's my second. My first didn't happen to be born, but it was still conceived. It was still loved. It was still wanted. It is still missed.

Well, no, no and no. Don't care to go into details, don't need a pep talk, don't need sympathy.

I feel bad that I'm basically ignoring the life that we created and then died. It has nothing to do with needing attention.

I think you're already very sure about how you would respond to the question when and if asked, and that's great. It sounded like you were asking how others would respond if they were in your shoes. Not having experienced the loss of a baby, I can only theorize based on past experiences with sensitive topics like this, how I would react. But based on what I know about myself, I think I would leave out information the person asking didn't really need to know and probably doesn't really want to know either. I think a baby that is lost is a personal, deep pain, for me. I would talk about it with people I'm really close to and with people who will really listen, but not the average acquaintance, coworker or passer by.

Also, don't take this the wrong way, but I don't really understand the thinking that not mentioning the loss would be as if you were ignoring it ever happened. I know I would never forget either, but the dreams of what could have been would be mine alone to share with a select few.

Again, this is just me. I like sharing my opinions, but I'm extremely open minded and firmly believe nobody knows what your personal needs are than yourself and you should do what you feel comfortable with. I have a little cousin who died at 38 weeks gestation and was stillborn. She was perfect and I don't think I ever found out why she died, but her name was Jessica and I will never forget her.
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