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I wasn't really planning on having a journal, but I decided that there are so many things that I don't want to forget or let slip by me and writing here is easier than anywhere else.
I'm 19weeks 5days.
That number seems so little when I think about how soon we're going to be parents. But we feel like parents already. We've felt her move and given her a name and bought her things. She's already made me laugh as well as cry. She's gotten my husband to think and talk about the future (something I could rarely accomplish). She's freaked out my parents - who alternate between being 'not ready to be grandparents' and picking out the names they want her to call them. So many people love her already.
And right now I feel blessed. So blessed. And there are so many moments that I don't want to forget.
Like when I bought a baby outfit a year (waaaay to cute) before we were anywhere ready to start trying to have a baby and I was afraid that Joel would be unhappy or laugh at me when I showed him, but he said it was cute and that was all. Then when we started trying I asked him if he had seen the outfit, and he said that he had put it in his sock drawer and looked at it in the mornings. (and thinking about that now makes me tear up)
And when I took the test and didn't give it enough time at first and said, ok, guess not this month, but then turned back around from pouring the rest of the pee down the toilet and saw the two lines and realized oh my gosh!
And hearing her heartbeat for the first time.
And seeing her on ultrasound the second time. The doctor said she looked perfect and she did. Joel said she looked like a kung-fu fighter, and she did.
And being on a long drive with Joel when listing off name after name he didn't like any of them. Then I started just saying nouns that could potentially be names, and he loved Jett. And I do too.
And other moments that I don't necessarily *want* to remember, but I know I need to.
Like peeing 3-5 times a night.....every night.
And throwing up.
And laying on the couch and having Joel if I couldn't just get up and do something, anything. (To which I replied, "I'm not throwing up right now, thats what I'm doing!"
And not pooping. Then clogging the toilet when I finally pooped.
And crying when I messed up baking a loaf of zucchini bread.
And crying because I felt like I couldn't do anything without feeling sick and awful.
And crying because I have a hard time believing that my parents ever felt this much love and wonder toward me.
Being pregnant brings so many things with it. My sister in law wants to have a baby so that 'it will give her something to do and keep her out of trouble' (!). I cringe every time I hear her say something like that, or how she has baby fever. Ugg.
Being pregnant is hard. I love it. I love looking at the ultrasound picture and seeing her little nose. I love my husband, and appreciated everything he does for me, and I love thinking of him as a father. I love laying in bed and feeling the little kicks and flutters.
But it's also scary. Bringing a new life into our world, our family. Opening our hearts to someone who could so easily break them. The day that I found out I was pregnant I felt like I was getting married again. I believe there is no turning back. It's a commitment. Once you're on that road, you walk it for life. It's not something I take lightly. I have dedicated myself to another human being. I know that some day this child will hurt me. I know that my life is linked to her's in such a way that if some day she wanted to destroy me, she could. But I accept that. I guess it's part of being a parent. It's part of love that I had to accept when I married Joel. It's scary and vulnerable and huge.
But it's ok.
It's not always going to be easy, but will it be worth it? Oh yeah.
No offense sweetie, but I kinda want to kick you out.
Uggg. There is no glowing. Maybe the only glow I get is after throwing up. I know you are healthy, I hope you are happy, but really, I can't wait to have my stomach back.
There are moments of joy, sure. Like laying in bed tonight with your dad -- he kept asking you different things that you like and what your preferences are and based your opinions on how hard you kicked. I don't really think you care about bike parts, but that you just liked his voice. We both love you so much already.
But then there are times like this: 3, 4, 5 am where I just feel like crap and there is no consolation of holding you in my arms. I get bogged down trying to remember the last time I just felt "like myself" and I know that having a kid changes you -- that you lose yourself, or give up yourself, or just find a truer version of yourself... whatever it is, I know that change is normal, inevitable, good; but right now I'm just frustrated.
I'm trying to cherish the moment and to rejoice in everything, but right now I am so short sighted and it is hard. I think part of what is harder is that so many of my friends, women that I love and care about, aren't able to get pregnant. On top of feeling so physically ill, I also feel something akin to survivors guilt. Why do I get to have a baby and they don't? And I feel drained by not talking; but I feel way to guilty to share the joys of pregnancy with women who might never know them, and maybe even more guilty to share the gripes.
But here is the truth: my gripes are hand in hand with my joys.
Every time I feel you kick I know you are alive and getting stronger.
Every pair of pants I out grow, I know it's because you are growing too.
Every time I throw up (still!) I know it because you are in my body doing crazy things to it, but I'm ok sharing for another few months.
Every time I end up on the couch unable to cook, help out or do things, it's helping your dad learn patience and to slow down from time to time.
Every time I wake up in the middle of the night it's helping me prep for our night time feeding sessions.
Every cramp, twinge, spasm, stretch, etc that I feel in my stomach, I feel in my emotions too. My heart is growing every day my stomach grows. By the time you are ready to come into the world my heart will be ready to burst, and I already know that there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you.
Every time I pee my pants a little because I sneeze just plain sucks though - same goes for farting.
But you are worth it. Remind me to write you a letter someday telling you that before you could breathe on your own; before you could get grades at school, or join a sports team, or pick out your clothes or cut your hair or find a job or have a boyfriend; before you could succeed or fail by any stupid standards the world could place on you; that you were worth it. That you are beautiful, wonderful, delightful, and there is nothing that you have done to earn it; That I love you simply because you exist.
I'm grateful that God has blessed us with you. You are already part of our lives and I'm looking forward to meeting you.