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Forum: 2013 Playroom


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February 12th, 2013, 07:16 PM
anothermother's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southwest, Missouri
Posts: 6,062
Just wondering if I'm all alone in my feelings here... This is my first rainbow baby, our loss 2 months ago was pretty traumatic and even though I'm over the moon for this baby I still find myself dealing with some emotions of the loss. I know it's expected, but I just curious if others have the same feelings after loss...

I just feel completely numb to this pregnancy right now. I know getting pregnant right away was the right thing to do, it's played a HUGE role in the healing process. But I guess I'm just sad abou my lost innocence of pregnancy. I usually connected right away with the baby, thinking about it 24/7. Now... It's just like I don't even want to think about it until we find out if it's healthy. Like I scared I'm forever doomed to have another loss. I don't know, I still trying to figure it out. I'm uber protective of this baby, going above and beyond to making sure I do my part (even though our loss wasn't anything we could have prevented).

Ah well, it's just some things that have been going through my mind. I know we have some rainbow mommas so I just wanted to get your feedback on this...
Christine, momma to Chloe [7.20.07], Alexis [9.8.09], and Jude [10.14.13]

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February 12th, 2013, 07:33 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
Posts: 9,339
Huge hugs and I am SO sorry for your loss. I had 5 losses before my rainbow was born a little over a year ago. It is completely normal. In fact, any emotion is normal with pregnancy after loss. I am finding it hard to connect to this pregnancy as well until I go to the doctor and hear the heartbeat. You are welcome to go and talk to the ladies on the Pregnancy and Mothering After Loss board. I am part of that group of ladies as well. It has been my safe haven going through PAL. I hope that you get your beautiful rainbow baby.

Thank you *kiliki* for my beautiful siggy!

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February 12th, 2013, 07:46 PM
Spyctre's Avatar Arwen
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Freaking Louisiana
Posts: 9,227
I know how you feel. I lost twins in January 2010. I tried in April, got pregnant, immediately lost that one. Then that miscarriage cycle I conceived Winter Rose.

When I got the BFP, there was no excitement. It was just, "As expected, pregnant. Let's see how long this one will last." And then I got really sick. Honestly, if I had a miscarriage, I just wouldn't have cared. Didn't start out excited, and being that sick was absolutely debilitating. I talked to my doctors about those feelings, they said they were normal.

My sister understood my feelings, and a lady or two here might understand them as well. I love my baby to death now, and I'd die for her. It's hard to describe just how ill I was.

The biggest thing I noticed was I didn't think about the new baby, just the ones I lost. The new pregnancy did not replace my dead babies. They weren't magically brought back to life, they were still gone. So the entire time I was wishing the pregnancy would just end so I didn't throw up anymore, and all I did was cry about my twins.

I'm not that bad this time. I did start this cycle with a loss, though. So while I was very excited and happy to see that positive test, I'm not really attached to this baby yet. Maybe I'll go into my first u/s and find out my body is just ACTING pregnant. I'll be excited when I get to hear the heartbeat for sure. Not even a beating heart on the u/s last time got me excited. It was just really bad. Wake up in so much pain and nausea I couldn't tell you were I was, bad.
James Arwen est. April 2, 2005
Alice Marie - January 9, 2008
Winter Rose - February 14, 2012
Liliana Vale - September 25, 2013

Daniel Constantine - July 19, 2016
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February 12th, 2013, 08:04 PM
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 208
I'm with you. Still not sure what a rainbow baby is... but, I've had 3 miscarriages this year: two in the past two months (one at 6.5 weeks, the other a few days after I got a positive pregnancy), and I'm 4 weeks pregnant now. So yeah, I want to be thrilled right now, but I'm also sick to my stomach (not morning sickness) because I don't want to get hurt again. I'm jealous of those people who don't realize they are pregnant until late into the first trimester! Ironically, I somehow have a gut feeling that this one might work out (I never had that feeling before), but at the same time, I have very few symptoms yet.
I hope things go well for you this time! At least you can know that you're not alone feeling what you are feeling.
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February 12th, 2013, 09:04 PM
peace.love.audrey's Avatar Twins? Pinch me!
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Cactus Country
Posts: 1,756
I would think you're type of loss was way more traumatic and life-altering than anything I've ever experienced but I have had an 8 week and 10 week loss. With my 10 week loss I had horrible Hyperemesis and was hospitalized and had a Zofran pump. When I found out the baby had no HB, I completely lost my mind. I struggled so much for those first 10 weeks and then to have all that misery end with even more misery was just awful. Anyways....my point being....I am beyond ecstatic to be pregnant again but I also felt this immediate weight on my shoulders as soon as I got my BFP. I am high-risk for several reasons but even with all these chips stacked against me, I just KNOW that this is the path I am supposed to follow and I'm going to follow it until my heart tells me otherwise.

I guess that was the long version of saying....Yes, I am feeling all sorts of weird emotions this time around.
Jenn Transplant RN & wife to my Firefighter J
Mama to V (new), L (new), A (4), J (6), T (6)

8.27.10 1.30.11 3.18.13
Don't believe in God? You're not alone!

Last edited by peace.love.audrey; February 12th, 2013 at 09:08 PM.
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February 13th, 2013, 04:07 AM
Proud mommy!
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 685
I am right there with you. I want to get excited, but it is so scary. I am afraid to get attached and lose this baby. It is hard dealing with a loss.

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February 13th, 2013, 04:10 AM
sweety_pie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 10,823
I have been feeling a little disconnected from this baby so far as well (still loves it to death, but worried to get too close). Right from the min I got my BFP I was just thinking now when will I lose this one! I know its a horrible way to think though, so I've been trying to think more positively!

{Aug/07/201212 weeks} {Oct/29th/20127 weeks}
Forever missing my Mom...

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February 13th, 2013, 07:46 AM
anothermother's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southwest, Missouri
Posts: 6,062
Thank you girls for your responses. It's nice to know I'm not alone with this. I just can't wait to get past this fear and start enjoying this pregnancy. I'm so glad we have this wee little one, I can not wait to meet him/her.
Christine, momma to Chloe [7.20.07], Alexis [9.8.09], and Jude [10.14.13]

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February 13th, 2013, 07:57 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 5,298
I could have written your original post. I got pregnant with my 3 year old after a loss. I did not enjoy that pregnancy the way I had my older three kids. I had been spoiled and suddenly my eyes were open to what an actual miracle the whole thing is.

The good? I appreciate my youngest more. He did heal me and I call him my little heart healer. I am so so thankful for him.

Even with this one telling people won't be exciting for me. Each person is potentially someone I'll have to give bad news to.

Hang in there
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February 13th, 2013, 08:06 AM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 1,974
I'm right there with the rest of you. After having 2 back-to-back losses, when I got my bfp this time around, I was like "OK, well, that means nothing until we have an u/s." I used to get excited about seeing that second line, but now it just seems like the first step to a m/c for me. I also used to look forward to my first u/s, all excited to see the heartbeat and everything. But the last 2 times, that first u/s spelled doom for us--so now I'm actually dreading that ultrasound. I don't want to see or know what's going on, because it seems like each pregnancy just ends worse than the one before it. I have also not gotten attached... at all. I have a couple friends who know we're TTC and what we've been through, and I've actually told them I'm NOT pregnant. I don't even feel like I'm lying when I say that, because in my mind, I'm not lying. In my mind, I don't think I'm going to believe I'm pregnant until we get some sort of positive sign that maybe this time it'll work out. And the other, pessimistic, reason is because if I tell them I'm not pregnant now, then it'll save me from having to tell them I'm not pregnant later when something goes wrong, as I've become convinced it will.

I really wish I could be one of those people who just cherishes each moment, lives day by day, and feels peace knowing that whatever happens was meant to happen. But that's not me. I have never been so anxious in my life. I miss the days when I got excited about pregnancy, and I'm so jealous about everyone who gets to be so excited, so early, without fears or reservations.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in approaching pregnancy after loss differently.
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February 13th, 2013, 08:32 AM
FishermansWife4's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,578
I hope no one minds me posting this, I'm not a mom to angels, but I am a mom who tried for almost a year. I have this overwhelming feeling of doom and gloom hanging over me. I'm trying really hard to have hope but I feel like even after we go through the ultrasounds and blood tests and hearing the heartbeat, I won't feel safe until I have my baby in my arms. My DH is over the moon happy, but I just can't shake this feeling of dread. I wrote this not to hurt you ladies, or tell you your loss is unimportant or anything like that. I wrote this to let you know, this feeling can effect anyone. I have a theory: We might not even realize we want this so bad, but we do. It's very very scary to know someone you love, unconditionally, would die for, could be lost in an instant and there's nothing you can do about it. Nothing you can do to prevent it. Sometimes, maybe, for that reason, we become detatched so we don't get hurt or scared. It's human nature. You're not alone. I really hope everyone has a healthy pregnancy and can shake this feeling they have. Once again, I really hope this didn't offend anyone.
Amber Wife of Tim ; Mom to - (7) (4) (3), (2 months) and Step mom (9)

2013 Mommy
"No freedom til' we're equal. D*mn right I support it." - Macklemore "Same love"
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February 13th, 2013, 09:29 AM
drewbears's Avatar Mom to 8 AWESOME kids!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Delaware
Posts: 49,968
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the term rainbow baby is new to me?? im guessing baby/pregnancy after a M/C??

I have had 8 M/C and when I finally had a stick baby after one of them I had different emotions, with a few I was so excited I couldn't believe it, with others it was a, ill believe it when I see it kinda disconnected feeling.

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February 13th, 2013, 10:58 AM
anothermother's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southwest, Missouri
Posts: 6,062
If you google Rainbow baby the first result is a forum post off baby center. I love her description:

"Rainbow Babies" are the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and the clouds. Storm clouds may still loom over but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and much needed hope.
And yes, when it comes to telling people it's just so much more nerve wrecking. We told our immediate families and a couple close friends and I'm content with that. By this time with the last 3 pregnancies everyone would have known. Everyone we have told has been over the moon happy for us, one friend cried. But I'm content with it being just those we have told already... It's just different. Everyone was so supportive with our loss, but I just feel like I would disappoint people for some reason? I don't know. I'm glad we told who we told because this baby needs every prayer we can get Me included!
Christine, momma to Chloe [7.20.07], Alexis [9.8.09], and Jude [10.14.13]

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February 13th, 2013, 12:24 PM
WorkerBeeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 4,486
I completely understand and relate. After two back to back miscarriages, I still won't believe it is real until maybe the gender scan.

I want this baby so bad, but I feel a little bit distant until I know it won't leave me and I can feel it kick and connect with it in other ways.

The only thing that makes me feel a little better is that I am so sick this time. That doesn't mean anything really as I did lose a baby after seeing the heartbeat and I had horrible all day MS at that point as well, but that was just a fluke miscarriage I believe - a chromosomal issue.

With my last two miscarriages/chemicals I did not get sick except for maybe one day, so being sick makes me feel like maybe this is my rainbow baby.

I'm really looking forward to the 2nd trimester.

Mindy & Josh
Mama to 3 beautiful girls!
DD - Maya (11), DD - Sophia (7)
, & DD - Jane (0)

11/04 09/12 12/12
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February 13th, 2013, 12:34 PM
Living my dream
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 690
I lost a baby girl at full term back in 2006 (during labor) and when I got pregnant again it was nine months of uncertainty and worry :-/

When she was born, I was in awe and in tears. The first thing I said was, "She's alive!"

I find peace in prayer and the Bible, but each and every pregnancy is still a challenge in its own way. I'm often amazed at how other moms just assume everything will be fine for them and their baby... to me, nothing is certain. Life is so fragile. So, I try to take every moment, every day as it comes and be thankful for it then and there.

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