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There are a series of thoughts running through my mind and I'm really starting to get ambivalent about this pregnancy.
The excitement of POAS has worn off and now I'm faced with the "Now what". My SO and I had a long talk last night and we're in two different universes with regards to having or not having the baby. He says ultimately he knows it's my choice (and it is) but he's just not where he wants to be to bring in another child into the world. The larger part of the issue is that we've both been burnt by past relationships before when it comes to babies. His son's mother turned into a rather vindictive woman, using the baby as a pawn. My son's father, well, there are no polite words to describe him. Much of what I have to deal with in regards to my son is largely due to his father's absence and inconsistency.
Both my SO and I are wary of history repeating itself. We talked about the differences in our relationship to those past ones but it doesn't allay the fear.
Can I raise a child alone if need be? Yes. Do I want to? No. But I don't want a forced relationship either; it's not there yet but I just don't know.
I've thought a lot about not going through with this (just being honest). Starting over scares me; my youngest will be 14 in the fall.
And then I worry that maybe something's wrong because I don't feel pregnant. The fatigue has pretty much left me (just did a 4-day trip in New York with no problem); I'm no more sensitive to smells than I've always been; there have been next to no physical changes. If not for the absence of my period and my renewed love of Snickers candy bars; I would seriously doubt that I was harboring a new life. Shoot, I still doubt that.
I guess I'll just wait until my April 5th ultrasound to make any decisions or to get attached because I feel very ambivalent and detached right now.
Shana, mom to DS1 (17), DS2 (14), DD (0) and DS3 (0)
Joining and in November 2013
Twinkies! Theeeeeeey're heeeeeere!
Introducing the Minis
Last edited by shana1979; March 27th, 2013 at 11:13 PM.
That is a really hard situation to be in, but I think it says a lot that you guys are maturely and rationally discussing the reality of things. Maybe you will be able to handle any parenting matters the same way. I also think it's a good idea to wait until you have your ultrasound to make any final decisions.
:hugs: I'm sorry you're having a rough time.
Just some thoughts. There is always going to be that fear, and it will never seem like the right time. I hope with time you guys can figure out what's best.
Very difficult situation to be in. I'm not sure that I have the "answer" for you but just realllly think about it. I had a friend who ended up pregnant while on a split with her bf (lkng story short they thought she had a mc then a few months later she was pregnant and she never had a miscarriage so at the ultrasound she learned her bf wasn't the babies dad, it was the other guy) and once she found out the baby wasn't her bfs she really considered adoption. I just had to remind her that her and her bf might not always be together and does she really want to give up her flesh and blood for a man that may leave tomorrow? Would you be able to live with that decision? If so then we do live in America and you have that choice, or the choice of adoption. So many many great people want families and can't have them and would love your baby to pieces. If you need to talk, I'm always here. You can PM me anytime.