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We took my fiance's parents to dinner a few weeks ago to tell them the big news. His father cried and was so happy about having another grandchild. His mom hugged us but said, "I won't get excited until after 5 months because that's when A lost her baby (her daughter lost a baby)"
OK I know that it was a horrific thing they've gone through but I have had 2 HEALTHY pregnancies and babies there is no reason to put the fear of losing a baby in me. Because of that, I am always a nervous wreck, worrying about everything I do and feel and just can't enjoy this pregnancy at all. She doesn't talk about this baby, doesn't ask questions and pretty much pretends that I am not pregnant.
Then yesterday, I walked in the house after work, and she says to me, "DID R tell YOU??!!" I said, "tell me what?" She then told me that my fiance's best friends sister was 9 months pregnant, one week away from delivery, and lost her baby. She said it with this snotty, "see don't get too excited" tone of voice.
I said R probably hasn't told me yet for a reason, but thanks.
Even my fiance is getting sick of this. Usually he defends her but he has noticed her treating me like crap and he couldn't believe she told me, he was planning on telling me face to face not while we were both at work.
I am sick of hearing about dead babies and how I should not be excited because anything can happen. Yes anything can happen, we all know that, but why put more fear into me at what is supposed to be a special time for me and my fiance? I am so hurt. And today is her birthday. And I want to give her birthday beatings and nothing else
Sorry for the novel, thanks for listening.
Geez! What is wrong with people?!? As I have my own irrational worries, hearing something like that would send me through the roof. I am so sorry. Your fiance needs to tell her to keep all bad news TO HERSELF in the future.
I hate people who constantly throw that kind of negative energy into other people's lives. It may be her way of processing her fears, but it's TOTALLY inappropriate to express it to you.
Your fiance needs to step up and tell her to stop. He should explain to her that those kinds of stories and comments are really stressful to you and not at all good for you and baby. If nothing else, I'd explain that she wouldn't want to feel guilty or responsible if she said something like that to someone and it ended up coming true. I had to tell my mom that about her talking about my nephew joining the army and her constant talk about him dying young.
Would she like it if you kept reminding her that you know tons of people around her age who have died? I mean, it's not quite the same, but can you imagine how upset it would make someone if every day you reminded them how close they are to dying? I mean really. How does someone not see that that's inappropriate?
Another case of some so called "we'll intentioned" person saying out loud every thought that comes into their mind at the other person's expense! It seems to be an epidemic these days! I know easier said than done, but if you can, try to avoid her &/or ignore her negative comments. This should be an exciting time for you. Don't allow her to steal your joy!
This was originally written to address dealing with long-term illness, but it can totally apply to any situation where someone needs support. If people have concerns or anxieties, they should always be expressed to someone in an outside circle of support rather than inward. Her even expressing this to your fiance places a burden that is unnecessary in all the other things he needs to worry about. I love the phrase "comfort in, dump out" to remind myself that only positivity and comfort should go to those in the middle and all negativity should be focused away from them. Maybe a nice FB post reminder (if you MIL is on your fb) with this link would be a way of getting it across? Someone you know ill? Watch what you say, and to whom - latimes.com
Wife to sweet husband Jeff and mother to 2 beautiful girls: Emily (2) and Jocelyn (1).
Oh my GOD!!! You should step back and tell her of all the stories of people her age dying. Car wrecks, heart attacks, strokes, armed muggings... See. Don't get too excited to be alive. JEESH!
I'm sorry she's so insensitive. Yes, these poor, tragic situations DO happen, but they are rare, really. It's definitely something WE ALL stress over anyway. It's normal. But when stupid people just thrive on death and accidents, it takes away from the miracle growing inside you, the joy of life and living and the happiness each moment can bring.
Your SO needs to step up and put a stop to it. Enjoy your pregnancy and relish every wonderful milestone!
__________________ Gwynne, celebrating the newest of our four precious miracles Hat's off to Vicki for my cute siggy, thank you!
Okay, if my mother or mother-in-law ever said that to someone, using my loss as an example, I'd be horrified. What an awful thing to say!! Geeze!! I even try to be careful what I say about my experience in DDCs and around other pregnant women because, guess what, it's scary. And there's a point when it can be constructive and there's a point when it's just a scare tactic.
You deserve to be excited for your baby.
You know what I do, since, you know, I have more reason to be afraid than most since it's *personal* experience? I do what I can do to prevent the things I can prevent. And then I go about my day like everything is going to be okay. (well, sometimes I'm better at this than others) So, be excited for your baby. Plan for your baby. Dream of/for your baby. You deserve that happiness and that baby deserves to have that happiness about them. No matter WHAT happens.
edited to add: NOT letting yourself get excited or whatever WON'T make a loss any less devastating. If anything, you'll just feel guilty for not being excited while you had your baby with you. So I really don't get what her point is in saying things like that.