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How to begin resolving your grief


The Comfort Spot

Tools for coping with your loss

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  #1  
January 16th, 2006, 08:13 PM
Astrid's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 27,408
How do I resolve my grief? This is a question that floats through all of our heads. I know not all of us are book readers and rather have the "good stuff" taken out and summarized so I took this and another section and did it in hopes that it will help one or all of us. All these suggestions have all come from the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart written by Dr. Deborah L. Davis. I have found them very useful in working through my grief. Some seem pretty stark but take it for what it is worth. As I read the book and doggy ear it, I will be adding more posts and if need be, making them stickies if you think it is appropriate. Most importantly, Dr. Davis stated that it could take up to a year or two to grieve properly so don't feel overwhelmed!

”Have realistic expectations about yourself and grieving.”
Do not let anyone tell you how to feel and when to feel things. Your grieving is yours. Also, don’t try to
compare what you are going through to another person. We all grieve differently!

”Give yourself permission to experience all of your emotions and thoughts.”
Basically, let yourself be sad, angry, jealous, etc. You have the right to feel this way. By allowing yourself to feel the range of emotions as they come, you are allowing yourself to begin to heal.

”Identify all your different emotions”
Try to identify whether you are angry or sad or guilt-ridden. By keeping emotions separated, you are able to cope and work through them easier than if you are trying to wade through a million different emotions at one time. You may feel like you are drowning emotionally and can’t catch a breath! It may also bring up unresolved feelings from previous losses.

”Dwell on your memories and your hopes and dreams of what might have been.”
Realizing your dreams and fantasies may help you identify with what you have lost. Do not be intimidated into silence and feel free to speak about these things.

”Identify the things you regret not doing with your baby and find appropriate ways to have closure.”
If you didn’t have the chance to hold your baby, try to find a way to express that even if it means doing something else like writing a poem, lighting a candle or making donations in honor of your baby. It is also suggested that you write a letter or talk to your baby.

"Take care of yourself as you grieve."
It is ok to be alone and cry. Sometimes we need that. Also try to find ways to reduce stress: working out, eating well, getting a massage/pedicure/manicure which allows you to take a break from grieving. It is also suggested that you try to avoid making significant changes in your life during the 1st year. This may only increase stress and create bigger problems!

"Get the social support you need."
This is a perfect example of why JM’s Pregnancy Loss board is very valuable to us all! Being in complete isolation during the grieving process can be more detrimental to the grieving process and may even prolong it along w/ making it more painful. We all need support and should garnish this from others. It specifically states, ”Be assertive and tell people what you need. Don’t expect them to read your mind.”

”Have realistic ideas about what resolution means.”
Basically, as you resolve your grief, it does not mean you are “letting go” or “forgetting” your baby. It does not mean that you will stop feeling sadness but rather that you have come to terms with the loss and appropriate was of feeling connected to your angel.
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Check out hEvan @ http://www.etsy.com/store/hEvan
for some great handmade items.
All proceeds go to a family struggling w/ infertility!



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  #2  
January 16th, 2006, 09:06 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Thank you Astrid - brilliant post lady!
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #3  
January 17th, 2006, 11:01 AM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
Astrid, thank you...I can't tell you how very much that helps me to make sense of a lot of things that went on with me in those early months right after the m/c.
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Mommy to miracle baby 4/23/08 and four babies in heaven:lost 3/22/05 edd 10/28/05, lost 5/25/05 edd 12/26/05, lost 1/31/06 edd 9/19/06

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." -Margaret Mead
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  #4  
January 17th, 2006, 08:29 PM
Astrid's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 27,408
Thank you! I enjoyed doing it and have another on the way
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Check out hEvan @ http://www.etsy.com/store/hEvan
for some great handmade items.
All proceeds go to a family struggling w/ infertility!



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  #5  
February 11th, 2006, 07:53 AM
Astrid's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 27,408
Five Stages Of Grief

1. Denial and Isolation.
At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
2. Anger.
The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
3. Bargaining.
Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
4. Depression.
The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
5. Acceptance.
This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
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Check out hEvan @ http://www.etsy.com/store/hEvan
for some great handmade items.
All proceeds go to a family struggling w/ infertility!



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  #6  
June 21st, 2006, 02:44 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 4,715
Thank you so much for posting this. I would love to spend hours with some books but don't always have that kind of time.

You are a true loving spirit and a blessing to us all.
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  #7  
June 28th, 2006, 08:16 AM
Astrid's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 27,408
Lynne, it is the least I can do for you ladies. I have another book I will be reading while on vacation so I'll probably be adding a bit more to what is already here. Thanks!
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Check out hEvan @ http://www.etsy.com/store/hEvan
for some great handmade items.
All proceeds go to a family struggling w/ infertility!



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  #8  
July 11th, 2007, 12:02 PM
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Thank you for posting how to deal with the loss of a little one. I jsut had another miscarriage on the 4th of July. Trying to deal with this and being away from family (my husband is in the military and that means family is always far away as well as friends) is very hard for me right now. I jsut foudn this site the other day, and it already helped me. Thank you to all the ladies who share what they went through and how they are coping with it.
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  #9  
July 24th, 2007, 08:05 PM
Astrid's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 27,408
I am so sorry you are dealing w/ your loss alone. Please know we are all here for you! Feel free to come into the main Pregnancy Loss forum & introduce yourself. I think you will find an enormous amount of support from the ladies. My thoughts & prayers are with you!
__________________
Check out hEvan @ http://www.etsy.com/store/hEvan
for some great handmade items.
All proceeds go to a family struggling w/ infertility!



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