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Hi, I'm Julie and I've posted on here maybe once or twice and today I'm really feeling the need to be with others who know what I'm feeling as Sunday approaches.
My story (short version)-
I was pregnant last year when I found out the day before Thanksgiving that my dad had brain cancer. Well, my poor dad went downhill very quickly. It was a horrible thing to witness, seeing him unable to even speak or take care of himself, not to mention how he aged so fast. My dad was 51 when we found out he was sick. Before that he was funny and full of life, but the tumor just brought him down so fast. I hate myself for crying everytime I saw him because maybe he understood what was going on and maybe he didn't but he couldn't tell me. Well, my pregnancy started going badly at the very beginning of December and I had gone to the ER once for bleeding. Of course they could do nothing since I was only about 10 weeks along. I ended up having a miscarriage on Dec. 4th, and it was awful. Well, I got some convalescent leave from work and so I went to see my dad on Dec. 18th. I'm in the Navy. So it's a 6 hr drive to get to my dad's house. Family members had taken on the task of his daily care and driving him to doctor's appointments. I went home and as usual my dad was lost in his own world and I had already come to accept that he wouldn't be around much longer. Well, that night after he was in bed, I went and layed down beside him and I just started crying and telling him how wonderful of a dad he had always been and that I loved him so much and he reached out and rubbed my arm. It was such a special moment because he had been so lifeless for weeks. After that I went to bed on an air mattress in the living room and when I woke at 7 the next morning, I went to check on him and I found that he had passed away. I spent a good portion of the next few weeks (including Christmas) trying to find the bottom of various bottles. I was completely devasted.
So, here it is Thursday, June 18th and tomorrow is the 6 month anniversary of my dad's passing. Also, I was due to give birth to the baby I lost this week and Sunday is Father's Day. I'm just really, really down. My husband is very supportive but I hate "losing it" in front of him too often. I thought this would get easier and it has a little. But, it doesn't hurt any less. Luckily, I am pregnant again and it's going very well but these hormones don't help the situation. I was at the grocery store yesterday and decided to buy my dad a card. Of course, I cried right there as I read them. I thought maybe the card would be a good idea. I guess I'll just put it with the Christmas presents I bought for my dad that are still wrapped and hidden in my closet along with a stuffed animal I had bought for the baby I lost. I just don't know how I'm gonna make it through the weekend without a breakdown (and of course I have to work). It just sucks because it seems that most of the people I'm around don't understand my pain. They're gonna think I'm a complete nutjob, but I've decided that I don't care. I don't work on Sunday. So I was thinking about just not getting out of bed and letting myself have a good cry. I just don't know how to cope with all this grief.
Wow...that's an awful lot to have one ONE plate!!!!
I am so very sorry for both your losses...that is really difficult!
The pain does get easier to handle...it's just so very new right now.
And the first year of "anniversaries" are the worst!!!!
But, keep remembering how full of life your father was before he got sick. That's the dad you want to keep alive...in spirit, anyway!
I'm here if you need to talk!
You're going to be ok...it just takes a while.
Your post made me cry. I am sooooo very sorry for your loss. Your dad was so young. Mine was too, he was only 43. It's awful to lose someone, especially to cancer. It sounds like you got to spend some quality time with him though, which is really great and more than most people can say. You truly sound like an amazing daughter with a great husband. I think your dad would be proud of you now. Congrats on your new pregnancy and feel free to vent anytime. Big (((HUGS)))!
When my mom i found drinking a BIG comfort for a bit also,,,, My heart & hat goes out to you for buying the card... I couldn't do it this yr..... On the 1 yr anniversry of her death.. we went & cryed & poured a beer around the head stone & i introdued her to our new daughter ( even tho i know she can see us ,, in my heart i have to believe that you know ) Your story is a heart breaker & thank you for sharing it with us... I was prego also when mother's day came around this yr... I cryed for a week straight... BUT some how some way i got threw it with the help of my family .. we ended up making it my oldest daughter's day ( her b-day was 11 may ) Which helpped me.... Please if you ever need anything give a shout out,,, we are here for you
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for both of your losses. I've lost both of my parents; I cried on and off for both of them those first two years, and then it got a bit easier-I still miss them, but I don't need to cry for them each time I think of them. Holidays and birthdays are hard ((hugs))