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July 28 2008 I lost my grandfather to cancer, The primary was esophageal cancer and secondary Lymphoma I know this a place for parents but I will explain to you why I want to post here.
My mother had me at 19, my father was there for a year or so. But he wasn;t there during my dance recitals, my pop was... he wasn't there at father daughter dinners at school, my pop was... He wasn't there when I was upset, when i needed a male role model, when i needed him... My pop was. I spent every weekend with my grandparents during my childhood, building things with my grandfather who was a master builder or cooking with my Nan. My grandfather was a beautiful man, who loved his family more then anything in the world. He was a proud grandfather, who over the years "adopted in" many children who were lossed and needed somewhere to stay. He was pop to not only his 12 grandchildren but many more. He was always there to lend a hand to many... But I always believe he and I had a special relationship... he was my grandfather biologically but my father in spirit.
When I fell pregnant with my daughter I was young but happy. I was so scared to tell him and only him. I was terrified of disappointing him. I'd gotten all the terrible horrified reactions from family members and he was the last to tell...
My mum rang my grandparents and I told my nan... easily. Next my pop got on the phone, I just couldn't tell him. I ended up getting a blood nose and had to go to the bathroom... When I came back to the phone I said pop I'm having a baby and he said I know. I said how, he said I just do... congratulations baby. He asked me how I was feeling and sounded genuinely happy for me.
My SD (sperm donor aka my bio dad) was told the same night. Even though his mother was just 15 when she had him he told me he had wiped his hands clean of me and hung up on me.
at 20 weeks we found out I was having a little girl, Pop swore me to secrecy he wanted a surprise He constantly told me I was having a boy though
and on June 27 2006 he was proud as punch as he met his first great grand baby 13th grandchild. 13 was pops lucky number... He married my nan on the 13th of March
unfortunately in June 2007 we got the diagnoses we didn't want to hear... he had lymphoma and it wasn't the primary cancer They didn't know what was My heart broke into a thousand pieces... I knew he wasn't going to make it and I was angry I couldn't speak to him for a few days I felt terrible but I was just so angry... WHY He wasn't old... he was still in his 60's
But he battled through his Chemotherapy with a head full of hair, My partner, My daughter and I moved in with him and my nan in September 07 for about a month. I wanted to spend more time with him...
December 25 2007 our last Christmas, When I first saw him I had to hold back the tears... he had lost so much weight he was tiny I knew then it would be our last Christmas with him...
January 2008 We got our BFP we were pregnant with our second bub.
Early July 2008 Pop was admitted to hospital again, he was battling an infection and the chemo made him very weak We went to visit him in hospital (They lived 2.5 hrs away) and I also managed to get myself a 3D ultrasound for the next day. The hospital staff said he may be able to come down stairs for it and I was excited. He still didn't want to know what we were having this time it was a boy
That night I gave my pop a cuddle and promised to come see him the next day... what i didn't know was that it would be the last time I would see him
The next day I went down the street to do a little clothes shopping for the baby because we have limited stores where we live. My mum went up to see pop and see if he was still okay to come to the ultrasound in a few hours time.
When mum picked me up from the street she had tears in her eyes, Pop wasn't doing good at all and they were talking about flying him to the city asap. The time it took us to get back to my nans and re group he was in the helicopter and gone to the city. I went to my ultrasound with a heavy heart...
The next day we called him, this was the last time I got to speak to him.
First my sister got on the phone, I remember her saying No its Khodi. After she was done I got on the phone and I'll always remember this conversation,
I said hey pop and he said "theres my girl" I told him I loved him for the last time
a couple days later they had to insert this thing into his neck to help him breath I can't tell you what it is but he wasn't able to speak or eat again If you knew my pop you'd know that speaking and eating were his two favorite things. They said he'd be able to speak with this like buzzer thing on his neck.
July 28 2008
Ironically this day was mine and my partners 4th anniversary, We were separated at the time though. It was also 13 months to the day that he was diagnosed. My nan called mum that morning and told her he wasn't doing so well. But he went down hill so fast, we were in the middle of throwing things into a bad and waiting for my uncle to pick us up when we got the phone call that night.
He was gone
My mum was on the phone and I remember saying to is he dead? she didnt reply I then shouted at her once more is he dead and she nodded. All I remember was running out of there crying yelling... I kicked the fence and collapsed in tears (remember I am about 32 weeks pregnant at this time). A friend of my mums wrapped her arms around me and tried to calm me down. I was hysterically crying I just didn't understand why?
The next day I was admitted into hospital as I was in pre-term labor I had the steroids and tablets to stop the contractions I was in there for 2 days they were able to stop them quite easily and they released me just in time for his funeral... The worst day of my life so far... the church sat I think 300 or so people? and there were people standing up at the back because there wasn't enough seats. After he was buried my aunt his sister came up to me and gave me a huge cuddle, she whispered in my ear go and tell him your having a boy. He would of been so happy (our little boy was the first boy in the family to be born in a decade). It was that moment I decided to name my son after him. His name was Brett Oliver, I named my son Oliver Thomas Brett.
13 days before my due date I gave birth to my son via c-section. He weighed 7lb 1oz and was the spitting image of my grandfather. Right down to the dimples that neither myself, my partner, my mother nobody had but my grandfather...
Even people who dont know me well but knew him are astounded at how much my son looks like him, they have the same shape of eyes and its like your looking into my pops eyes at times...
Its been 16 months since we lost him, Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn't break just a little bit more... This is the first time I've been able to sit down and write all this out... I miss him so much I'm supposed to be getting married next year and I've decided to get married on his birthday I know that may sound morbid but we wanted a November wedding and his birth date just makes me feel like he is there... My son will walk me down the aisle instead of him and I will do my father daughter dance with my son to Willie Nelson you are always on my mind the song we played at his funeral...