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Lost mom and re-grieving with birth of kids


Forum: Loss of a Parent

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  #1  
June 25th, 2010, 12:55 AM
momoftwins's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I have never checked out this board before, but I am in the May 2010 PR. I lost my mom 8 years ago due to a pretty routine surgery gone bad (malpractice). I really do feel like I took the time to grieve when it happened. I was 21 and in college, 7 hours away from home, and had a terrible time leaving my dad all alone (my parents were still married). Then I got married 11 months after her death and that was horribly hard to plan a wedding without my mom and not having her at the wedding. Then I felt like once that was over, I could sort of go on with my life. I did ok until we had our first babies (twins) 4 years after she passed away. I had PPD and I think a lot of it was from the fact that I didn't have my mom there to be with me, help me, give me advice, etc. And it was like a whole new sense of grief for me since my kids would never know her. She would have smothered them and spoiled them to death! She really would have been the best grandma. Then I finally moved on after that until I got pregnant again. I just had a baby in May and it's happening all over again. PPD and the same "re-grief" for myself and for my baby. I just have a hard time talking about it with friends because being 30, none of my friends have lost parent. I don't even feel comfortable talking about it with them because they just don't understand. You cant, until you have been there. But I guess it just helps to get it out to people who have been there. My kicker today was when my 3 year old DD randomly said "Grandma lives up in the sky and watches over me. She is my angel." UGHHHH...I lost it. And all my friends are having babies right now and it kills me to hear them talk about how excited their mom's were and how they have their mom's help and advice. I just feel like after almost 9 years, I should be more ok than I am. Sorry for rambling, but thank you for reading and listening!
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  #2  
June 25th, 2010, 04:55 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Maitland, Florida
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Hi, and congrats on a very beautiful family!!!!!

Mom died almost 5 years ago, and I still have periods of undeniable grief, triggered by things like births, the deaths of my sons, etc. It's completely normal.

Have you read Motherless Mothers or Motherless Daughters? Your post could have been one of the stories in the books. Read them. I think you'll find that your grief is not just normal, but expected. And, it will last a lifetime. You'll have good periods and bad periods, because in the end, we always need our moms.
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  #3  
June 27th, 2010, 11:50 PM
momoftwins's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Yes I have actually read that book! I got it when my mom passed away, read it and then put it away. But I was unmarried, no kids and in college then, so maybe I should get it back out now that I'm in a different stage of life. Great idea! Thank you!!! It's somewhat comforting (sadly) to know that other people go through this too and that I am not some weirdo! Thanks again. I'm sorry for your losses.
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  #4  
June 28th, 2010, 11:05 AM
heathernoel's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Ty. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It's so hard when we lose that maternal connection. It's just not fair.

Def. do read them again. I read them once a year...just to keep myself in check.
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  #5  
June 28th, 2010, 11:53 AM
emmiejack0810's Avatar MELANIE
Join Date: Jan 2010
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So sorry for loss --- time passing does not mean it gets any easier --- especially with life altering events...

I lost my dad almost 2 years ago... I was pregnant with Emmie and we had our big ultrasound on a Friday night and told my DH's parents and then my parents... Little did I know that my dad would have a massive heart attack at home two days later. He was only 58 and was soooo excited about this baby...

I still grieve for him in some way everyday... I think I have a hard time getting over this because I feel it cheated in some way -- it is just not fair -- everything was perfect --- why did God have to take him now... how do you deal with something so tragic and so unexpected.

I know that he is looking down and watching over us everyday... I hope that you are able to find peace and know that every day is a new day and with a new day brings new blessings.
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  #6  
June 28th, 2010, 12:12 PM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Canada
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moms are very hard to lose, and nobody understands when you lose them young. My ds1 was 4 months old when my mom died, my dad died 16 years ago. Bringing home my twins last year really triggered my mom's loss again, ppd, ad's-now I think of her so much all of the time, esp how she would love these LO's. You will always miss her, and there will be many triggers over the next few years. ((hugs))
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  #7  
July 4th, 2010, 01:26 AM
momoftwins's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heathernoel View Post
Ty. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. It's so hard when we lose that maternal connection. It's just not fair.

Def. do read them again. I read them once a year...just to keep myself in check.
I agree. I guess as a woman, a mom myself, I really want my mom here! It's just not fair!! I sound like a 3 year old saying that, but I catch myself saying that all the time. And it makes me even more angry that my MIL is not a great grandma. It's like my kids are a burden to her. She rarely comes to see them or spends any time with them and she lives right down the street! It makes me wish I could switch the situation and have my mom still here. How awful to say that, but I truly feel that way. I feel like my kids got screwed. I had a c section with this pregnancy and when my DH had to go back to work at 2 weeks PP, I felt like I needed some help with the kids still until I got back on my feet and no mom in sight. The first person, most women would think of to come help them with a new baby is their mom and mine isn't here anymore. I have the most wonderful dad who told me to ask him for ANYTHING, and I did. I called him 2 days before my DH had to go back to work and begged him to come help me. He feels horrible that my mom isn't here still and he tries so hard to be Mr. Grandma. It just makes me mad that I have to have my DAD come help me with my new baby PP. I cannot wait until this PP pain goes away and I can move on, once again. Thank you ladies!!
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  #8  
July 6th, 2010, 10:57 AM
Crystal423's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Posts: 13,310
I am so sorry.. I lost my mom a little over a week ago (6-28-10) and the worst part of it for me is that she won't see my daughter grow up. People keep telling me that I should be thankful that my mom got to see her for the first 2 years of her life, but it's still so hard. My mom loved my daughter so much and couldn't wait to watch her grow. She was so excited to be a grandma. It's just not fair. I miss my mom so much and I can't imagine going on without her. She was only 55. So, so young.
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