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Conflicting feelings......Warning: LONG POST


Forum: Loss of a Parent

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  #1  
March 10th, 2011, 05:47 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: London England
Posts: 553
May 20, 2009 my mother passed away from breast cancer.

We had a very on/off relationship. We are talking trying to take my kids from me a few times because she wanted to do a better job.

She really did kinda screw up with me and my brother. He is younger so she didn't beat him like me, hence the better relationship they had. I left home at 14. Never looking back. I always wanted a relationship with her.

I was commenting in another thread the irony that she never trusted me with my own kids, but left her life in my hands at the end. I was her primary care giver. From Jan 2008- until she passed in may 2009, my life was about my mom. Making her last year her best. Helping her to everything on her bucket list. Even as far as a trip to Disney{we are from Canada} in April 2009. She wanted to take her grandkids and see my nephew play in the ocean. It was hard since she was so sick, but we did it. Taking care of her until the end, feeding, giving her meds via syringe when she couldn't swallow anymore. Bathing, changing. I mean everything. Showing up before she woke up to leaving after she went to sleep. She wanted to pass at home and I moved in at the very to make sure she could. My poor kids lost their grandmother and didn't have their own mother around either because I was caring for her.

A couple of months ago, I went through some of her stuff. I have tons of it packed away that I am slowly sorting through. I found some papers I was not happy about. Legal attempts I didn't know about to have me committed to a hospital, legal attempts to take me kids, forged documents to obtain medical records of my kids. School transcript etc. Worst part, it was wrapped up in stuff that she wanted to give to my kids.

The lies in these papers was so hurtful. Her opinion of me was worse. Now I know we "supposedly" resolved our issues before she passed, but I didn't know about this, and I am hurt. I am mad, disappointed, and truly heart broken. I have a monument to her in my living room with her picture, ashes, funeral DVD, candle, dried flowers{the last set of flowers we gave each other} and some personal things of hers that she loved. Everyday I look at her, I cry. I get so angry and upset that I want to remove her from living room right then but I don't. I know that sounds so bad but it really is the truth.

So if that wasn't bad enough. I am looking to get a TR. I had a tubal ligation in 1998. I haven't admitted this yet to anyone publicly but it was basically forced. I was young and still looking for her approval. I was pressured by her and the child services organization that she got involved with us. Because of my depression at the time, I was basically told I needed to do this or they were going for my 2 kids I had at the time. I was asked "well if you didn't have arms and legs, you wouldn't be able to care of your kids. Your depression, young age and already having 2 kids is basically the same thing. There is nothing wrong with it if you can't do it."

Of course my mom was "supportive" to me at the time, but in full agreement with children's services and said that I had to if I didn't want to lose my kids. I found out recently, it was her idea the whole time and she brought them in at that time for that sole purpose.

I don't know how to deal with all this emotion. Normally I would be able to take my time, sort through it. I know that I can't get any accountability for these actions from her. No responsibility or apology and I would work through that in time. But for everyday that this baby fever has me in its hold, I can't let go of the hurt, betrayal and anger.

People have always questioned my relationship with her. Those same children's services even advised me a few times to cut her out of my completely. She was a danger to me. My whole life she was, but I love her. She was a funny, strong, and usually honest. She was adventurous, and loving at times. Usually to others. She was a great dancer, and could take anyone down in a tequila challenge. She was smoking hot. Loved by so many people. She was a pillar in her field and a very loyal friend. She rocked in so many ways. Her only really bad spot in life was me and our relationship.

I am still grieving her loss, and yet I am so hurt. I mean I feel my heart breaking. It is such an extremely conflict in my heart that for the past few months, I have refused to deal with either and that is not healthy at all.

Her 2 year is coming up in May. Everyone will look to me to put something together. We celebrate the life for all those who have passed. This year will be 15 years of celebrating my great grandmother's life. I need to start dealing with it. But how to I forgive when I have no way to hold her accountable. How do I let go of the betrayal when everyday I see the possibilities of getting a BFP but "oh ya" I can't because she basically tricked me into sterilization, and how do I deal with how horrible I feel for being angry with her when at the same time I would give anything, ANYTHING for 1 day. 1 min with her again.

WOW that went longer then I thought. If you made it threw all that, Thanks for reading.
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  #2  
April 3rd, 2011, 08:49 AM
NewportMamaBear's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Priest Lake, Idaho
Posts: 12,944
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I'm sorry I haven't checked in here in such a long time.

*hugs* to you. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with these emotions. I can't imagine the pain you're going through reading through paperwork and having to see her memorial in your home. Maybe you could ask your brother to do the celebration of her life this year. I'm not sure if that's possible or not, but just an idea. I hope you're healing comes soon.
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  #3  
May 4th, 2011, 07:23 PM
MLG MLG is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 422
WOW! I am so sorry, but I can tell you that I am right there with you. My mother and I had the very same relationship you described. On again off again. Mom doing crazy hurtful things and thinking she was right and NEVER admitting she was wrong. Clean down to her passing away from breast cancer and me finding out MORE things she had done (that I too thought we had resolved) once she was gone and I was going through her things. It is just over a year since my mother passed and I am still going back and forth daily with what I feel. Am I sad, angry, disappointed, upset, grief stricken, etc...just depends on the day. I really wish I had some advice for you but all I can say is...I am right there with you!
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  #4  
June 5th, 2011, 05:54 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,925
Wow I read this and can understand how it's a confusing feeling that you don't know what to feel when it deals with the death of a parent thats been so mean and negative to you .
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