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Hi there, first time posting over here. Been reading through the posts and just wanted to ask a question or more so vent to see if I am normal?
I had my beautiful baby boy via emergency c-section Nov. 26 and love him to pieces. Cannot imagine life without him. I went into labor naturally with him and my water even broke on its own about 6 hours after labor started. The problem was that I was not dilating and after 12 hours was only 4 cm and then after laboring for 18 hours his heart rate started to drop and decided to do a section at 9:30 pm and he was born at 9:55 pm so pretty rushed, scary experience. Anywho I love my son very much it's just I can't get over the fact that I feel my body failed me. I am obsessed with watching shows about vaginal births and getting that urge to push and bring him into the world and bond and feel amazing and yeah I dunno. I have this bond with him, but it almost feels like I didn't birth him or he doesn't belong to me because I didn't "deliver" him. I have talked with my OB and he says there is nothing I did wrong or could have done to prevent it and even says the way he did my surgery I can definitely do a VBAC next time if I want. I just dunno, is it normal to feel this way? Like a failure as a woman because I couldn't do it. I know there is a grief section on this board, but it didn't seem very active and just wanted any kind of feedback. I know I am still dealing with PPD as well and feel that is playing into these thoughts also. Just looking for some reassurance that I am not crazy for feeling this way I guess and if I am crazy then I need to know so I can call the OB again lol.
You are NOT crazy for feeling this way.Believe me...
I had a c-section almost 5 years ago.I was induced at 39 weeks due to toxemia/pre-eclampsia.I wouldn't dialate.So I had to have a c-section.I had a very hard time dealing with it and felt "cheated".My husband got to hold him and everyone got to see him and look at him throught the nursery window while I was in recovery.After coming back to my room I was so out of it due to all of the drugs they had me on I don't really remember much for that day and the next day.
I still think about that and it still makes me sad.
As far as bonding goes,I bonded with my son.Hang in there and if you need some meds tell your doctor.
Oh, you are not crazy at all. It is very common to feel that way. Only you know how badly you are feeling, so maybe talking to the doctor might be a good idea. But why don't you try thinking of things differently, and maybe you can pull yourself back up again on your own. Here are some things to consider...
My last baby was a premie (also c-section) and was in the NICU, spent 17 days in the hospital total. And for most of that time DH and I were only allowed to hold her a total of 30 minutes a day. Really took the wind out of my mothering instinct sails! Moms come in all forms...c-section, vaginal birth, premie, and even adoptive moms. None are any more or less of a mother than any others because of it.
Try to see it through your precious boy's eyes. He has no idea whether you pushed him out or if he was taken by the doctor. He looks up at you and you are his whole world...it will never matter to him, not even a little. Your disappointment is normal, just like gender disappointment, and breastfeeding failure, and premie moms coming home from the hospital emptyhanded. In a short amount of time you'll put it in perspective. It's just still fresh in your mind. Becoming a mom is probably the most special time in our lives and we all want it to be like a storybook...but just ask around and you'll see it rarely is.
Sending you hugs, and hoping you can feel better under your own power. But please seek help if you need it. We want you to be the happiest mama you can be!
PLEASE do not take anything I'm saying the wrong way...I'm just asking mama to mama so maybe you won't have to suffer anymore. I'm wondering if maybe your thoughts of failure are a part of 'normal' Post Partum Depression (& I say 'normal' because none of it feels that way!!!)....SO many mamas forget our bodies, C/S, vaginal--whatever delivery--that's a LOT for us to go through!!! I wish I had asked for help with mine after my son was born...and a big reason why I didn't ask for help was it was never discussed with me the kaleidoscope of emotions (and hormones) running rampant after childbirth, and that what I was feeling was NOT me being a failure as a mommy for ANY reason and that there are people who care and want to help.
I think it's your PPD talking. I went through the same thing after 43 hrs of unsuccessful labor and to this day can't remember her measurements or how I felt except that I was worried I wasn't going to get a chance to meet my little girl. I watched the birthing shows and felt like a failure. I also had to force myself to connect with dd because I caught myself looking at her but not connecting with her on one or two occasions. What really helped me through that stage was attachment parenting. It really helped me bond. I still feel my body failed me so this time around I'm opting for a c section right off the bat so I can be aware of the baby's birth even if it's not a natural birth.
You'll feel better little by little and your bond will grow stronger, you just need some time to heal from the trauma of an emergency c section.