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When is enough, enough...?


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  #1  
March 6th, 2011, 02:38 PM
Indymommy7's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,033
I am trying to make this as vague and not so long winded, but this is just not something I can sum in in a few words.

As many of you know, I am ttc with dh's male factor fertility, and while we do have one miracle conception that took place against all odds, we have now turned back to help of donor assistance, which worked with our first child together.

I have had two donor assisted cycles this year, the one in January, known donor, resulting in a BFN, and am now in the tww with an IUI donor assisted cycle and trying to feel positive, but I have suffered severe PMS (since about after the age of 30) usually starting 2-3 dpo, and of course I am feeling those PMS symptoms here at 2dpo. Yet..I am having some mild cramps in my uterine are ovary area which is the one thing that is letting me hold onto hope...Perhaps I am a gluten for punishment, who knows...All I have to say is I will lose my head if this cycle did not work.

I spent close to a thousand dollars this cycle with froZEN iui donor sperm, shipping, not to factor in OPKS and if this didn't work, to say I am in the upmost devastating despair is an understatement.

I know in my heart, I am not done am not at peace. I want two more. DH wants two more. That said, how much more pain and disappointment, and utter torment the tww is, can I take? At what point do I just bow out and say this is all that I am going to be allowed to have for some sick reason?

I know when and if that day comes, where I just can't take anymore, I am going to have to cut myself off of all boards online where I am going to see BFP announcements and make some drastic changes with friends. It will be too painful to be surrounded by people having babies still. I so badly want to be happy for people, but I feel when I go on the boards and see people easily get their BFPS without going through what I have to to get them, I feel a sense of jealousy and even anger at times. I am not trying to be nasty about it, but these are my feelings.

I guess the underlying question is, when is enough, enough?
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Wendy, wife to Tony

Mother to Chad 19, Alexa 18, Jeremiah 16, Madelyn 13, Korinne 6, Sky 3, and introducing baby Linden 1/17/12



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Last edited by Indymommy7; March 6th, 2011 at 03:13 PM.
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  #2  
March 6th, 2011, 03:49 PM
MIL2lissy8's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: southern cali
Posts: 3,097
bless your heart. i don't really have an answer. i had a hysterectomy at a young age, after 5 pregnancies. i was done and had no qualms about it at the time. then, when i remarried years later, i wished i could have carried again. so we started to look into adoption. right in the early stages of that, we gained custody of our grandson. let me tell you that raising him at my age has DEFINITELY let me know that enough is enough. in your case, needing MA to conceive, i guess when the $$ runs out, that's when you 'know'. until then, i would trust God and keep pursuing. ....or you could go for adoption to improve your chances.
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  #3  
March 6th, 2011, 04:00 PM
shari626's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Delaware
Posts: 5,675
Oh Wendy - I have watched your posts and can feel your heartache. It is sad when it is so easy for others, and you are having difficulty. I know your pain first hand.

No one can tell you when enough is enough. Only you and your dh know the answer to that. I think in the back of your mind - you always will hold out hope that maybe this cycle...... it must be so hard to see the witch AF come when she isn't wanted.

I wouldn't write off this cycle yet while you are still in the tww. It's not over til it's over....kwim?

I know you desperately want to have two more babies. Have you considered adoption or fostering? When one door closes, another one opens. Maybe that's the babies you were meant to be having. Just a thought.

Whatever happens, please know we are here for you. KUP.
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  #4  
March 6th, 2011, 04:00 PM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 28,158
((hugs)) We're pretty sure that five will be enough, but maybe a 6th-I'm feeling done, but I'm gonna have five under five, with little to no help, and working full time--its currently enough.

What does dh say? How far do you guys want to go? Can your insurance cover more fertility stuff? Do you want to be pg, or do you want to add to your family? I think your heart will know when its time to be done, and if the longing is still there, and you're still feeling sane, then keep hoping and keep going.

((hugs)) and love to you
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  #5  
March 6th, 2011, 04:41 PM
Indymommy7's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,033
Thanks. This may sound horrible, but I would not adopt. I want the whole pregnancy experience, and to add to our family if that makes sense. This seems kind of mean, but, I just don't have the love for other women's babies. I have no desire to even hold another woman's baby. It's a huge biological thing for me, and those who can adopt, well, you are saints and a very special wonderful person, but it's just not for me.

We have to pay it all out of pocket, no infertility coverage.

I thank you for your time and advice though ladies. I am hoping that in 10 days I will be pleasantly surprised...But..you know. I don't have hope when I am feeling raging PMS like all other months. I will keep ya'll posted.
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Mother to Chad 19, Alexa 18, Jeremiah 16, Madelyn 13, Korinne 6, Sky 3, and introducing baby Linden 1/17/12



Thanks for the beautiful siggy
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  #6  
May 16th, 2011, 03:41 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 550
Quote:
Originally Posted by indymommy6 View Post
Thanks. This may sound horrible, but I would not adopt. I want the whole pregnancy experience, and to add to our family if that makes sense. This seems kind of mean, but, I just don't have the love for other women's babies. I have no desire to even hold another woman's baby. It's a huge biological thing for me, and those who can adopt, well, you are saints and a very special wonderful person, but it's just not for me.

We have to pay it all out of pocket, no infertility coverage.

I thank you for your time and advice though ladies. I am hoping that in 10 days I will be pleasantly surprised...But..you know. I don't have hope when I am feeling raging PMS like all other months. I will keep ya'll posted.
I never thought I would say this, but I completely understand! I am adopted and always said I would want to adopt at some point. But after having 3 of my own and raising my stepdaughter, I'm afraid I wouldn't feel the same way about an adopted child. I hope this cycle is successful for you!
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