Has anyone ever made an insensitive comment to you about ttc?

Admin-pattyandthemoos · #1 July 29th, 2009, 06:56 AM

Has anyone ever said something insensitive or hurt your feelings?

shauna0325 · #2 July 29th, 2009, 07:11 AM

We haven't made it know to many people that we're ttc, because we hear all the time that we don't really need any more kids. We have 4 combined, 2 each from previous marriages, and all of them live with us. We want one together though. Some people just think that's nuts.

Admin-pattyandthemoos · #3 July 29th, 2009, 07:22 AM

We hear that too Shauna. I have had some insensitive comments made to me. I don't know why it gets to me either but it does. I was talking to someone saying that I was thinking about blogging about my fertility but that I try to be sensitive to the gals ttc their first since I have 4 kids. The response really hurt my feelings. She acted like I should definitely not blog about my fertility. It really bothers me when people who have had losses assume that they are the only person who has been down that road. We tried for several years to have Jeremy. I did a lot of crying and had my own hard time conceiving. (I had two miscarriages and an ectopic before I had him.) Just because I have four kids doesn't mean I don't have feelings. When I lost my tube I cried and cried. It was a really rough time for me and I am grateful that my JM girls have always been there for me. I have been ttc for close to two years and even though I have kids I still have a hard time coping with the fact that I may not have any more babies.

I am also very sensitive to the girls ttc number one though because I know it is different when you have kids. I still remember how I felt back before I had Jeremy so I try to put things in perspective but it bothers me when people assume that because I have four kids that I never had any problems.

sweatshirtgirl · #4 July 29th, 2009, 07:48 AM

We don't tell anyone about TTC. But occasionally, friends will make jokes about us having a third, tell us we have to catch up, etc... and they absolutely don't mean ANYTHING by it, but I can see how if we end up having a hard time conceiving, it might bother me.

slpliz · #5 July 29th, 2009, 07:52 AM

Way too many to count! And people weren't trying to be mean - they just didn't realize. When we went through our two m/c's and all the fertility treatments to get pg with DS, I had an awful time with people trying to give me "advice," which was almost always some stupid comment (e.g., relax) that hurt my feelings.

Wallflower · #6 July 29th, 2009, 08:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pattyandthemoos

We hear that too Shauna. I have had some insensitive comments made to me. I don't know why it gets to me either but it does. I was talking to someone saying that I was thinking about blogging about my fertility but that I try to be sensitive to the gals ttc their first since I have 4 kids. The response really hurt my feelings. She acted like I should definitely not blog about my fertility. It really bothers me when people who have had losses assume that they are the only person who has been down that road. We tried for several years to have Jeremy. I did a lot of crying and had my own hard time conceiving. (I had two miscarriages and an ectopic before I had him.) Just because I have four kids doesn't mean I don't have feelings. When I lost my tube I cried and cried. It was a really rough time for me and I am grateful that my JM girls have always been there for me. I have been ttc for close to two years and even though I have kids I still have a hard time coping with the fact that I may not have any more babies.

I am also very sensitive to the girls ttc number one though because I know it is different when you have kids. I still remember how I felt back before I had Jeremy so I try to put things in perspective but it bothers me when people assume that because I have four kids that I never had any problems.

Patty, I just want you to know that you are such an inspiration to me! It helps to see that, though you have had struggles in the past, you overcame them and went on to have 4 children! What a blessing to see that! And I hate it when people assume that just because someone had kids, their desire to have more is somehow less valid than someone who doesn't have kids yet!

And you always are very sensitive and caring to us TTC#1 gals, and very helpful too!

I think you should blog about your fertility, if that's what you want to do! It gives you a way to vent your feelings, and it may help others too!

DeepSouthMommy · #7 July 29th, 2009, 09:51 AM

So far the only really negative thing that either of us experienced came from my best friend of 20 something years. When I told her that we were going to try and have a baby she started to laugh in her catty, 'laughing down at you' laugh and said, "wow, yeah, that's scary. But better you than me!". Needless to say I haven't spoken to her about TTC, or anything very personal for that matter, since then. I just think it's crappy that because YOU don't want kids that you should put down people who do. And that also goes for people who look down at you because you want more kids than they do, have more kids than they do or are choosing to do things differently with your kids than they did.

It's always amazing to me how mean people can be sometimes.

Admin-pattyandthemoos · #8 July 29th, 2009, 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wallflower

Patty, I just want you to know that you are such an inspiration to me! It helps to see that, though you have had struggles in the past, you overcame them and went on to have 4 children! What a blessing to see that! And I hate it when people assume that just because someone had kids, their desire to have more is somehow less valid than someone who doesn't have kids yet!

And you always are very sensitive and caring to us TTC#1 gals, and very helpful too!

I think you should blog about your fertility, if that's what you want to do! It gives you a way to vent your feelings, and it may help others too!

Your post just made me cry. You gals are the sweetest people on the planet and one of the reasons I love JM so much. We have a nice group of ladies here that truly care about people and get to know people before they make assumptions.

And I have to tell you that even though I get down about ttc, every time I see one of you gals ttc#1 get pregnant it puts a smile on my face. I try to be a good support for you gals because it is a little easier for me. I have little ones to hug when I get down.

Sending some extra special baby dust for you. You really have no idea how much your comment has helped me today.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DeepSouthGirl

So far the only really negative thing that either of us experienced came from my best friend of 20 something years. When I told her that we were going to try and have a baby she started to laugh in her catty, 'laughing down at you' laugh and said, "wow, yeah, that's scary. But better you than me!". Needless to say I haven't spoken to her about TTC, or anything very personal for that matter, since then. I just think it's crappy that because YOU don't want kids that you should put down people who do. And that also goes for people who look down at you because you want more kids than they do, have more kids than they do or are choosing to do things differently with your kids than they did.

It's always amazing to me how mean people can be sometimes.

Wow! I think she may just be trying to be funny but I usually try to be supportive of my friends even if their decision is not the same one I would make.

Coley · #9 July 29th, 2009, 10:10 AM

I think the most insensitive thing that was said to us was just a few weeks ago.

We had gone down to a friend's family beach house to celebrate her birthday. Her sister and BIL were there (they are fairly young, have 2 kids and he is "fixed"). As we were sitting around chatting, somehow TTC came up as well as the fact that we were just starting our 4th cycle with no luck so far. DH had some problems with a fatty liver a while back, and that came up as well. Out of the blue my friend's sister says to DH "Well, maybe you screwed it up and you're sterile now."

I remember shuddering slightly... not enough for anyone to notice, but in my head I was thinking "Why... WHY would you ever say that to a couple wanting a baby?!?" I then, as non-snarkily as possible explained that not everyone is as fortunate as they were to get pregnant right away.

Sometimes common sense isn't so common.

Admin-pattyandthemoos · #10 July 29th, 2009, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coley

I think the most insensitive thing that was said to us was just a few weeks ago.

We had gone down to a friend's family beach house to celebrate her birthday. Her sister and BIL were there (they are fairly young, have 2 kids and he is "fixed"). As we were sitting around chatting, somehow TTC came up as well as the fact that we were just starting our 4th cycle with no luck so far. DH had some problems with a fatty liver a while back, and that came up as well. Out of the blue my friend's sister says to DH "Well, maybe you screwed it up and you're sterile now."

I remember shuddering slightly... not enough for anyone to notice, but in my head I was thinking "Why... WHY would you ever say that to a couple wanting a baby?!?" I then, as non-snarkily as possible explained that not everyone is as fortunate as they were to get pregnant right away.

Sometimes common sense isn't so common.

No kidding! How rude! I know that I have blurted things out without thinking before but I am usually pretty sensitive with the baby issues.

Coley · #11 July 29th, 2009, 10:18 AM

She's just kind of like that. She says what she's thinking without thinking about how it will affect someone else. Knowing that, I tried to shrug it off... but I couldn't help but feel the initial sting of it, ya know?

On a side note... I have to say Patty, that you are one of the most encouraging women I have met on here. You are always optimistic for us, you are always encouraging us and telling us to keep our chins up. It breaks my heart to know that you have had to walk such a rough road for your babies... but it also gives me tremendous hope to know that you did wind up with 4 of them. Whenever I feel like it's not going to happen, I just remember that it worked for you and you've faced much greater challenges than I have. You truly are an inspiration to this TTC #1'er!

alicenwonderland · #12 July 29th, 2009, 10:38 AM

people love to tell me that i'm obsessed, and that it would happen if I should just stop trying. Of course none of these people have had trouble conceiving.
As for my loss, i can't even count the awful things people have said to me. (you weren't really pregnant) (20 yrs ago you wouldn't have even known you were pregnant) (JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!)(Stop being sad, it's not like you're the ONLY one to lose a baby)

pisses me off.

Coley · #13 July 29th, 2009, 11:08 AM

OMG Alice!! How awful. As if any of that makes your loss any less real or painful. I'm so sorry.

I've heard the whole "maybe you're obsessing" "relax and it'll happen" etc. And yes, these are always people who either A) had no trouble conceiving or B) don't have/want kids of their own.

I do not view keeping tabs on what my body is doing as "obsessing" it's called being proactive and taking control rather than sitting around going "I wonder why I'm not pregnant yet."

Wallflower · #14 July 29th, 2009, 08:35 PM

[QUOTE=pattyandthemoos;16760691]Your post just made me cry. You gals are the sweetest people on the planet and one of the reasons I love JM so much. We have a nice group of ladies here that truly care about people and get to know people before they make assumptions.

And I have to tell you that even though I get down about ttc, every time I see one of you gals ttc#1 get pregnant it puts a smile on my face. I try to be a good support for you gals because it is a little easier for me. I have little ones to hug when I get down.

Sending some extra special baby dust for you. You really have no idea how much your comment has helped me today.

[QUOTE]

I'm so glad I could help!! And I'll take the baby dust for sure!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coley

I think the most insensitive thing that was said to us was just a few weeks ago.

We had gone down to a friend's family beach house to celebrate her birthday. Her sister and BIL were there (they are fairly young, have 2 kids and he is "fixed"). As we were sitting around chatting, somehow TTC came up as well as the fact that we were just starting our 4th cycle with no luck so far. DH had some problems with a fatty liver a while back, and that came up as well. Out of the blue my friend's sister says to DH "Well, maybe you screwed it up and you're sterile now."

I remember shuddering slightly... not enough for anyone to notice, but in my head I was thinking "Why... WHY would you ever say that to a couple wanting a baby?!?" I then, as non-snarkily as possible explained that not everyone is as fortunate as they were to get pregnant right away.

Sometimes common sense isn't so common.

Geeze!

Banned-Munchkin Maker · #15 July 30th, 2009, 03:58 AM

Uh yes

. The fact that we have 5 kids we don't get a good reply to TTCing again. Dh's friends laugh and tease us that we need to start our own show Gary and Christina plus 16

. It's all in good fun, but it gets annoying after awhile. I also get other comments from other TTCers that are insensitive.

D�chas · #16 July 30th, 2009, 09:04 AM

The people that know we are TTC#1 have been very supportive and would never say anything
BUT I did have a comment made about being pregnent that really upset me.

We were out one evening with a group of friends it was a party so about 20 or so friends. My friends husband was there. I wasn't drinking b/c I was in the 2ww, My friends DH was getting drinks and asked me what I wanted I said I'm have a juice and he said " why aren't you drinking are you pregnant? " I said no I wasn't that I was driving. He turned around and said "I don't know I know the signs from when his wife was pregnant and your boobs have gotten bigger...."
Ok so I've out on a bit of weight since we got married and my boobs have gotten bigger but I thought I'd die. He told everyone I was pregnant and people were saying congrarts I kept saying all evening that I wasn't and we ended up leaving early.
What an As*.... You'd think since there baby is only a few months old he would know better...

Coley · #17 July 30th, 2009, 10:31 AM

Are you freakin' kidding me?!?!? What a total jacka s s!!! (shaking my head) I swear I can't believe some people! One would think that a grown man who recently had a child of his own would have a bit more tact than that!!

AmandaEliz · #18 July 30th, 2009, 01:04 PM

We don't really talk about TTC with too many other people. My one friend knows (her daughter is a month older than Ethan & she's preggo with #2), but she's the only one. I think everyone else will be shocked if/when it does happen. I had a few people say some awful things while we were TTC#1. After my molar pregnancy (I was devistated about not being able to TTC for a year) one of my co-workers said to me "I've been through worse, this is nothing. You need to suck it up and get over it." Coming from a girl who had 2 healthy "oops" pregnancies before she was 25. I don't think I've ever come so close to starting a fist-fight! LOL. I told her my dog had more empathy than she did & if she ever mentioned it again, I WOULD kick her butt. I think I actually frightened her a little bit... I guess she remembered that she was talking to a former Army girl who could follow through with her threat.

DaDaLou · #19 July 30th, 2009, 09:42 PM

Last Thanksgiving we were having dinner with the inlaws (grandma, aunts, uncles, parents, cousins, etc total of 18 people) and they were talking about the latest pregnancy which of course was an "oops" just like all the others in the family. The conversation then turned to us, the only couple without a child (oh and the only married one too) and they started asking if we were trying. His cousin turned and asked me "Geeze what's taking you guys so long? What's wrong with you?" Everyone just started laughing, and I wanted to die. I quietly finished my bite, got up, and walked away. I heard Eric respond with a witty "Well not everyone makes as many mistakes as you." No laughter after that. Yet they still think it's fine to ask us why we don't have a baby yet.

Admin-pattyandthemoos · #20 July 31st, 2009, 04:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AmandaEliz

We don't really talk about TTC with too many other people. My one friend knows (her daughter is a month older than Ethan & she's preggo with #2), but she's the only one. I think everyone else will be shocked if/when it does happen. I had a few people say some awful things while we were TTC#1. After my molar pregnancy (I was devistated about not being able to TTC for a year) one of my co-workers said to me "I've been through worse, this is nothing. You need to suck it up and get over it." Coming from a girl who had 2 healthy "oops" pregnancies before she was 25. I don't think I've ever come so close to starting a fist-fight! LOL. I told her my dog had more empathy than she did & if she ever mentioned it again, I WOULD kick her butt. I think I actually frightened her a little bit... I guess she remembered that she was talking to a former Army girl who could follow through with her threat.

That is terrible. I don't know what I would have said to that.