[Coley]

I don't think I can do this right now.

I went to lay down at 6:15 last night and woke up at 6:30 this morning to a lower temp. My bbs still have no tenderness/soreness at all, I've got random spotting to very faint bits of bleeding. Not enough to call CD 1... but does anyone really expect anything different?

I'm so sad and angry and frustrated and melancholy and defeated and depressed.

I'm surrounded by people who stumble into pregnancy and it's just NOT FAIR. I hate my body. I hate these stupid pills that are such a MIRACLE for everyone else, but seem to be like a sugar pill for me. I hate that I even want to be a mom. I hate the hope. I hate the disappointment. I hate the pain. I hate myself.

[slpliz]

Nikki I'm sorry. I completely understand the misery of trying and trying and getting on the Clomid and feeling like it will make the difference only to end up with BFNs again. We struggled for years with miscarriages and infertility issues (both DH and I had problems) before we finally conceived via IUI. I hated that time period when all my friends were getting pregnant left and right and I was temping and trying and having no results. I hated my body for not working the way it should. I hated going outside and seeing pregnant women. I hated turning on the TV and seeing pregnant women. I struggled with my faith after losing two pregnancies and I struggled with some depression as a result of the trying and the meds certainly didn't help either. They just added to my already lously mood.

While it is hard to see the upside, the Clomid really did appear to help you have a strong ovulation this cycle. I think you should consider calling your doctor to discuss additional options. Has your DH been tested? Have you been through the basic rounds of blood testing for FSH, progesterone, etc.? Hang in there. Struggling to conceive is horrible but it will be worth it once you pull through and get to the other side of things. Sending you hugs!

[wishfulgal]

I'm so sorry and so disappointed for you
You're right...it's not fair...and it sucks.
But please don't give up and please don't hate yourself...

[BabyBee13]

Nicki reading this post broke my heart..you are such a wonderful sweet person..i am sorry that you are feeling this way i would never try to say i know how you feel..because i don't..i want you to know though that me and all the other girls are here for you..if you need some time to yourself we respect that and are here waiting..we love you..please do not say you hate yourself you are an incredible person..i have only been a part of this board for a short time but you have made me feel so welcome hun..and are such a joy to be around ..

[forest]

I'm so sorry. You have an appointment with a specialist coming up don't you? I hope that you are able to get some more testing done and some answers soon.

[Wallflower]

So sorry Nikki!

[♥Ashley♥]

Im soooooo sorry Nikki. I 100% know exactly how you feel. Its so tough. And actually after all this mess if AF shows, I will be in a really bad place ttc wise as well. Im so done with it. Im done with something consuming my life, and being the cause for my happiness or sadness 24/7. I want to relax again. Ah well, who knows what i'll do.

I feel for you sweetie, I really do. And I know how you feel. Please take time today to yourself.

HUGS!!!!!!!!!!

[Shalyn]

I am so sorry Nikki. My heart is breaking for you. I am just so sad for people like you who want to be a mommy so bad and so angry that people who don't even want to be pregnant or shouldn't even have kids get pregnant so easily. It is just NOT fair and I will never undertand it.

I really hope you can get some more answers soon.

[MonsterMama]

I'm so sorry, Nikki

[crazy4disney]

I am so sorry. I just don't understand why it happens this way

I'm sorry.

[Coley]

Thanks girls... Well she's here... just like I knew she would be. Literally. Cycle # 12. Mack Truck Parking Here.

I distracted myself for a while by going out and buying new living room furniture, throw pillows, 2 lamps, a couple of vases and a candle called "Strength" cause maybe if there's some in the candle... it'll share.

As long as I was browsing, I was fine... behind the wheel with nothing but open road, home on the sofa all alone... that's when the starts.

I have been through the battery of testing already... and I supposedly had "Stellar" numbers. HA. DH has done the S/A and his count came back at 38.5 million, almost twice what they look for. His motility was not quite as high as she wanted to see, but she said with all the extra swimmers... we should be just fine.

But we're not fine. Obviously. Why do I keep having phases in my life that involve me wishing I wasn't me? Why can't anything EVER be easy for me? Why do I have to scrape and claw my fingers to bloody nubs for the things that really matter to me? Why did I have to be late? Why did I have to get nauseous? Why did my chart have to go Triphasic?!?! And why did I have to get that super faint line on that **** test?!?

I do not have plans to see an RE at this point. I've got my 3rd script of Clomid to fill. Sigh. I so don't even want to fill it right now. But I'll probably have to because we're about to get another 12-20" of snow... so if I don't fill it today... it might be a real ***** trying to fill it later.

I feel better when DH is here. Somehow him being here makes everything hurt less. He's coming home early, so at least I don't have to be alone too much longer. When I temped this morning, he apologized like he does every month. He reminded me that he'll always love me no matter what and that he thinks we should try one more time on our own and then if it still doesn't work, he wants to do IUI since we're getting a good bit back from the IRS. He said he'll buy me a baby if he has to.

So please understand why I cannot be here right now. I am so thankful that I have a co-host now who can be here for you guys... because I just can't. I'm really struggling and... I just can't.

[Arya]

Nikki, I am so sorry. You don't deserve this. I'm glad that you have a wonderful DH to take care of you when you're feeling like this. I won't say anything else, just... hang in there :hugs:

[aussie_mama22]

Im so sorry Nikki, I have been stalking you.
I had the same problem with Clomid, strong ovulation but no BFP. So on cycle 3 I switched my dose from CD 2-6 to CD 5-9 and added in Preseed and got my BFP. I dont know whether it was just a coincidence or the later clomid days helped my poor egg quality but it worked. Maybe you should switch it up this time?

You deserve this so much and its just not fair, Im so glad you have a supportive DH to help you through.

[LifesGood]

i dont even know what to say. Life sucks and it isnt fair and people who dont try or dont want it fall into pregnancy

I am so sorry honey. Try not to hate yourself. I know that is easier said than done

[slpliz]

Nikki, have you asked your OB for a referral to a RE? I think you need to see an RE - just for your own peace of mind - to know you are doing EVERYTHING you can be to get pregnant. I hope DH helps you feel better tonight.

[OurSweetLabs]

Oh Nikki,

I am so sorry.

[Mod-LilSunshine]

Oh Nikki. I'm so sorry. I totally understand your disappointment and it's hard not to feel like you're failing. Take all the time you need, but I hope to see you back soon.

[Shalyn]

Nikki.

[AlanaIris]

Oh, Nikki, I am so sorry. =(