[ttcmymiracle]

So here is to 14 months of trying! CD1 again and it was hard for me this time, but God will get me through this! My cycles usually consist of O anywhere from CD 9-12 (usually) followed by a week of waiting then a week of spotting (except this past cycle) which leads to af! This past month I had a hysteroscopy done in my GYN’s office which turned out to be a waste of time. He was not able to get the scope into my uterus since my cervix was so narrow but was able to obtain a biopsy of my uterine lining, which showed some "irritation" which doesn't tell us anything. We don’t know why or how or if it even matters with ttc, if this happens every month and causes the spotting...we don’t know and there is no way to find out definitively so that seemed like pointless news! He put me on an abx to take for 2 weeks that way if it is due to infection that should clear it. It is the nastiest pill I have ever had in my mouth but if it helps bring a BFP then I will gag for 2 weeks happily!!

I have always had this nagging feeling telling me ttc would not be so easy for me and I know that so far in life anything that I really wanted I had to fight for so here I go again. This is a fight I will never give up on because this is the only thing in life that I feel can make me whole and is the ultimate dream for me, to be a mommy! I have always been the "mommy" like person to every child I meet! That is just me, I have dreamed of being a mommy before I could talk it seems. I know I will have my own babies one day but I am just waiting on God to bless me with them! I started ttc casually around Oct.-Nov. 2007 and have never seen a BFP. Since I didn’t have spotting last cycle I hope that is god news and maybe that is past me and I will have perfectly beautiful cycles from now on and one will bring a BFP soon! I graduate nursing school in 4 months and would love to start a new chapter to my life with a baby on the way!! I can use all the prayers possible so if you if you feel led to do so please pray with me to receive the best blessing in life that only God can give!! Thanks for taking the time to share in my journey and baby dust and prayers to all the women on JM!!! ((Hugs))

[ttcmymiracle]

So today is CD6 and af is almost completely gone thank goodness! I will start taking mucinex 3 times a day on CD 8 and hoping it helps! Tuesday (12-23-08) dh will have a SA done just to make sure everything is fine with him. I am praying that laying on my stomach instead of on my back after BDing will help bring me a BFP! I have been praying extra hard so I hope this cycle is it for me! 14 months might be my lucky number, I HOPE!!!!! Oh and we signed a contract on a new house Saturday so if all goes well we will close and move in Jan 16th!!!! I am so excited and can't wait to set up a nursery!!! I can already see my little unborn children running around and playing there!!! I am hoping for a new house, new baby kinda surprise!! God has blessed me so mucha nd I hope he keeps it coming for a while!!!

[ttcmymiracle]

Well today I feel almost out already again! I am really getting tired of this! I had cramps, UTI like pressure and spotting along with EWCM like stuff. I am so confused! DH had a SA done today but we wont have results until MONDAY due to Christmas! I am taking Mucinex and have a runny nose constantly now and I feel like I'm getting sick! I haven't noticed any major changes in CM yet. I didnt get to BD today since dhs schedule is screwed up since he is working nights this week! Hopefully tomorrow morning when he gets home if he isnt too tired! Some days the thought of never being able to conceive my own children seems impossible and this is just one of those days!

[ttcmymiracle]

Well it is CD 13 and I have had lots of EWCM for many days now since I am taking mucinex! Still waiting to O and I think it will happen very soon if not today. I am still having the weirdest pressure in my lower abdomen and it is starting to freak me out. It almost feels like a UTI but it is usually not in my urethra but either in my bladder or uterus I can't make out exactly which. It is really bad in the mornings and then during the day when I go to the RR it almost feels like there is so much pressure that my insides are going to come out. I am pretty sure it isn’t a UTI because I have had several and it is so different and I haven’t had the burning, just major pressure and frequent, urgent urination. I am so annoyed and hate to be a paranoid patient but it if doesn’t go away soon I will have to call my Dr to make sure everything is fine.

So our new plan is going well so far and as soon as I finally get 3 higher temps I will be glad to be in the 2ww to see what happens. I am a bit tired of hearing everyone that knows we are ttc tell me that i shouldn’t worry and it will happen in God's timing! I know that already and have to tell myself that but it hurts coming from others for some reason. I think because I feel they are blowing my feelings off like I should just relax and wait. Well I have waited 5 darn years of marriage and now 14 months of ttc and God gives people babies when they aren't even ready and here I am waiting now that I have everything ready finally and I have to struggle, it isn’t fair! I really hate birth control because I should have just prayed and relied on God to do it in his time for the past 5 years because what if he wanted me to have kids already and I was planning my life out with school and house first and missed out!?!?! Ugh I hate all of this and I am so sick of the obsession with ttc but I feel like I cannot stop because that would be like I died. I really hope this is my blessed cycle!!!

[ttcmymiracle]

well today I am 4DPO!!! Really I am just trying to ignore anything my body might trick me into thinking I might get a BFP and stay busy doing other things! School starts back tuesday so hopefully between that and trying to close on this house time will fly. The pressure I have been experiencing is pretty much gone thank goodness! I will hear from the dr tomorrow though to find out if my UA/culture showed anything.

[ttcmymiracle]

Well I am 11dpo and stressing out badly. I have been having IPS as usual and I hate it! I just want to be pregnant and I wish my body would stop telling me I am every month! I still have no spotting so that is exciting and I hope that journey is over. School has been a disaster and it only started this week! We are closing on our house on the 16th so I am stressing about packing and getting everything ready! My mom had a growth, possible tumor show up in her uterus so now I am worried abut her having cancer! I feel like my life is so out of control and there is nothing I can do about it and it is making me crazy!

Well I might test any day now but I would like to wait until I am late or at least 14dpo.......

[hopeful3853]

keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you! and sure hope your mom is o.k.

baby dust to you!!

[ttcmymiracle]

Thanks hopeful3853, that really means a lot to me!!

Well AF is definitely on her way! BOOOOOOO! And with all the chaos and feeling like my life is out of control I think I am going to try to stop the obsessing and go back to ntnp for a while. I cannot seem to concentrate on anything else though so I have an addiction to overcome with ttc. I need to focus on building a closer relationship with God, my family, my last semester in school, and getting my house together right now and if getting pregnant is part of God's will then it will happen regardless if I am trying so hard like a crazy person or just living life not preventing. If it doesnt then I will seek a referral to a RE and start on clomid in a few months. I would rather not plan for a baby around the Christmas holidays so if I can hold off on having any more invasive testing until a few montsh from now that would put me hopefully expecting near spring or summer which is my ideal time....but if God has a plan for a winter/holiday baby then I will TOTALLY take it!!!
I think I might just cry myself to sleep tonight!

[ttcmymiracle]

Now onto 15months of trying! Boooo! This sucks so bad! Why can't I experience this awesome miracle!?!?!?! I dont even know what else to say!

[ttcmymiracle]

Well I thought I would journal since it has been a while and I feel like I need to write! So I woke up feeling hopeless and like my life is out of my control completely! I am at 16 months of ttc and it looks like it will be 17 months of ttc now. The spotting is back and I can't decide if I want to call my Dr back or just wait until I graduate, get a new job with better insurance and start seeing a RE. Although I am seriously thinking of seeing a RE sooner or at least starting clomid or something. I really don’t want a December baby because I think those kids birthdays are ignored since everyone is preoccupied with the holidays but I will take whatever God gives me! But if I can wait at least another month before trying any meds or interventions I will start them in April I think.

I hate feeling so out of control and it is killing me. I have so many big things coming up with graduation and i feel completely helpless. I need to pass NCLEX right away so I can have my nursing license and start making money so that I can afford IVF if needed but the thought of having to experience that kills me too. I just want to be normal and be able to see that BFP from natural conception. Don’t get me wrong I will totally do IVF if I have to and will love every minute of pregnancy if it works, but I hate that something is wrong with me and there is nothing I can do about it and I don’t even know what it is. Blah! i have to get back to studying for my midterm now.

[ttcmymiracle]

well today is CD 4 on to 17 months of ttc. am not sure yet but I am thinking about calling my dr to schedule an appt and see what I need to do next, since just Bding around O time isnt working. I might go ahead and start on clomid soon, I will know for sure after talking with him more. ttc is making me crazy! I thought this would be a fun and exciting journey and have dreamed of it my whole life but I never wanted it to be this hard!