[Momeejenjen]

*Please be warned this gets fairly graphic into my pregnancy loss

Today you will join me on a journey that is filled with heart ache, disappointment, and stress but the reward this journey offers in the end is the most joyous wonderful gift one could ever receive. Day to day life for me is filled with basal temperatures, charting, ovulation prediction tests, and of course the infamous home pregnancy test.

This all started when I was merely a child and if one was to ask “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I would joyfully answer “I want to be a mommy!”.

My dreams came to life when I was still a young woman. Two weeks shy of my 19th birthday I gave birth to my beautiful little boy, Micah. I married Jonathan, my now ex-husband. With in that year, I gave birth to my beautiful little girl Hope. I worked part time as a preschool teacher while I tended to my beautiful little ones. My heart was still incomplete. I wanted another baby, but after 12 months of negative pregnancy tests, I was seeing this was no easy journey. It was after that 12 month mark I discovered that my husband of 3 years had been unfaithful to me. I made some very difficult choices and for the next 4 years I became familiar to the life of a single mother working full time, going to school full time, and raising two precious children on her own. My desire for another child disappeared into the distance and I accepted that I was going to be content with what I had been blessed with. My career as a manager to a child care center was my pacifier, I was able to love on many children and fill my time with teaching.

It wasn’t until May of 2008 that I met a man who would change my world forever, insert Brad. That summer was a whirlwind of life changes… so much I truly believe my head has just recently stopped spinning. In July of 08 I was offered a wonderful job, making twice the income I currently possessed as well as steady hours and the many opportunities for advancement. The downfall, I would no longer be teaching and working with children which had been my comfort for the past eight years.

I took the job knowing it was the right move for my family. My new career move made more time for me to pursue a relationship with Brad; things grew serious quickly as I knew he was what I had been longing for. Brad was 28 years old, he had never been married, he had a wonderful career, a great head on his shoulders, and most of all he loved children! We knew it was a perfect fit and with in that month we were planning our wedding and put an offer in on a house. A week after putting the offer in the house we found out that I was expecting (complete surprise since I was on birth control!).

As this new chapter unfolded we were so excited… a dream come true in both our eyes. As the weeks went by we grew more and more excited about our life together and the new baby that would be joining our lives. We were taking a trip to Las Vegas to get married on November 1st. On October 30th I woke up and went to the bathroom. At 11 weeks pregnant that was the first place I went in the morning. When I wiped I noticed a pink tinge on the toilet paper. I remained calm but thought it best I call my doctor. I called my doctor and they told me not to worry but to come in later that day and they would do an ultrasound and a check up since I was leaving the next day. I arrived at the office that morning with excitement... I had not seen any more pink on the toilet paper and I felt pretty good. I was going to get to see my little bean again (I had just had an ultrasound 2 weeks prior and got to see my beautiful baby with a strong heart beat of 177 beats per minute).

I laid down on the ultrasound table and at first she tried an abdominal ultrasound and then pulled the screen closer to her and out of my sight and said “I am going to do an internal ultrasound, I have to check your ovaries and then I will let you see the baby.” I felt as if something was wrong… I could see what she was looking at on a smaller screen across the room, it wasn’t to clear, but I noticed there was no movement. With in a minute of her starting the internal ultrasound, she pulled the wand away… she had a pale expression and said “I am so sorry, I am not really supposed to tell you this, but there is no heartbeat”.

I was in complete shock… she took me straight back to a room in the office for me to wait for the doctor to come in. I called Brad and told him that we had lost the baby and right there I broke down, I couldn’t talk and my heart was so heavy! The doctor came into the room and wrapped her arms around me and told me she was so sorry that she was NOT expecting that at all. We discussed my options and she said she felt I would be safe to go on my trip since my cervix was still closed and thick, she said when I returned from my trip next week we could discuss what I wanted to do if the miscarriage had not started on its own.

Brad and I decided to go through with our trip and get married; we felt that it would lift our spirits. I had no bleeding the rest of that day or the next. Saturday morning, the day of my wedding, we got up at the hotel and the bleeding had started. It was like a period and just mild cramping. In the limo on the way to the chapel my cramps started to get worse… I got through the wedding; however going to the bathroom with a wedding dress every 30 minutes to change my pad was not something I would wish on anyone.

In the limo on the way back to the hotel after the wedding I started having contractions. They were heavy enough that I would have to stop talking to breath through the pain. We got back to the hotel and changed clothes. We went to get some lunch although I wasn’t that hungry I wanted a drink to help calm my nerves and maybe help with the cramping. At lunch the contractions continued and got a little bit harder, walking seemed to help with the pain though. I decided I wanted to take a walk on the strip to take my mind off of what was happening… we were maybe a block away from the hotel when all of the sudden I felt a gush and a major contraction hit. I almost collapsed to the ground but Brad was able to hold me up. I started bawling and felt I was possibly too weak to get back to the hotel, but we made our way back. When we got to the room I was in the most horrific pain I had ever suffered. My mind seems to block out most of the pain but I can remember curling up in the fetal position on the floor of the shower screaming in pain. The contractions were one on top of the other and the amount of blood was more than I could have ever imagined. Three hours passed, Brad stayed by my side the whole time, trying to be strong but I knew he was scared for me and he was upset that he couldn’t help me. Brad did eventually call his mother and sister to the room (they were staying in the same hotel). When they arrived they decided it was best that I go to the emergency room. The emergency room was just 4 miles away but I knew that my bleeding was so severe that even with the biggest pad I had I would bleed everywhere before we got there... not to mention I would have to go to the lobby to get in the car. I needed a wheel chair; they called the front desk to get a chair sent up for me. Thirty minutes passed and no chair for me… I was in horrible pain. I decided to muster up the strength to make the journey down the 7 floors to the front lobby to get in the car. As we were getting on the elevator at the end of the hall two men came running off the elevator in medical gear, they were looking for me, only they had no chair! My mother in law scolded them as we entered the elevator, leaving those idiots behind.

I got in the car and the pain was monstrous, every bump felt like a knife being twisted in my stomach. Finally we arrived to the ER. By this point I had blood running down my leg. The ER staff put me in a wheel chair and into the waiting room. I think they quickly noticed my pain and the amount of blood and after about 10 minutes moved me back to a bed. I laid there for almost 2 hours before they came in and gave me some pain medicine. I was sitting in a pool of my own blood. Three hours later the doctor came in and performed a mini D&C where he was able to remove “the products of conception” as he labeled it. My contractions ceased almost immediately and the bleeding slowed down to just a regular period. After an ultrasound to confirm that the doctor removed everything and after a blood test they released me to go home.

That night we got back to the hotel about midnight, but I don’t remember much… the drugs were very strong that they had given me.

For 2 weeks I remained in a state of denial and shock… I couldn’t return to work for at least a week. People said the dumbest things to me and I couldn’t stop crying. I had my little bean’s ultrasound picture on my desk, facing that destroyed what little strength I could come up with.

It’s taken a while but I’ve gotten better. My desire for a child is back full force. Trying to conceive has given my husband and I something to focus on. I would be 22 weeks today. I miss my little bean every day, not a day goes by that he doesn’t cross my mind.

My doctor has been running a few blood tests to make sure that my body is doing what it is supposed to. My last progesterone test came back low so she is re-running that test on the 28th, I should be 6 to 7 days past ovulation at that point. I hope my progesterone is normal and I hope that I am pregnant by that point.

My due date was May 20th. I dread the month of May. I kept thinking that maybe if I am pregnant by then that I can pull through a little easier. Brad and I want a child so badly.

I try to pass the time now obsessing over opks and hpts. Brad doesn’t like to talk about our angel, it really hurts him badly. He brings up the baby very rarely, his heart is still heavy. He does often talk about “knocking me up” and us having a baby, but he is scared of this all happening again… I am too, but I know the reward is worth it.

[Momeejenjen]

This morning the white speckles of dusting snow were beautiful as they formed a thin blanket on the road ways. Driving to work is always my “thinking” time. The sun is yet to rise so early in the morning so my only focus is the road in front of me, no distractions. My phone is silent since most of the world is still sleeping, I love coming to work so early in the morning.

This morning my thoughts stepped away from trying to conceive, they stepped away from pretty much any plausible thought and I seemed to go into a literal “peace of mind”.
Here I sit at my desk in a mind numbing state of rest. My limbs are heavy and weak; my eyes forced open with minimal energy. I am relaxed. The hustle and bustle of my office is starting to pick up as people trickle in for a days work. Keyboards clicking and voices in the distance offer little to no distraction to my state of mind.

My mornings always start with the sound of my increasingly annoying alarm going off at five am. With out a thought, I reach for my thermometer and slip the plastic stick under my tongue as I roll back over to rest my eyes. It seems like an eternity before the three tiny beeps arouse me from my slumber where I roll over and fumble for the light. I squint to read the tiny little screen on my thermometer and my head just seemingly falls back to my pillow. I am amazed that I am able to remember those numbers an hour and half later when I manage to force my eyes open enough to get on the computer in the office.

Most of the time I try not to think about how life would be different with a baby, a much welcomed change in my opinion. In my mind I have already worked out the tiny details of shuffling schedules and the crazy routines we would all have to learn to love. It’s obvious that today will be a day of day-dreaming about the baby I hope to one day share my life with.

[Momeejenjen]

Brushing off the chill this morning was a little more challenging considering it was eight degrees this morning. But tonight, brushing off the chill might be a little more difficult. Tonight Brad and I are planning on meeting some friends tonight for dinner. Although I am excited to see them and their beautiful babies, my heart is breaking as I know Brad wants a baby so badly. Scratch that, we both want a baby so badly.

I love being around babies and holding them, but the ache in my heart grows more and more every time I am around them. Most of our friends are just now having their children and getting pregnant and/or married.

Tomorrow morning is the morning we leave for our little miniature vacation to the indoor water park. The kids are so excited, as am I. By taking it a little easier this month and just trying to relax I hope to increase my chances of conceiving.

Hi there! I am new here, and I hope it's ok that I post here.

Trying to get pregnant after a loss can be a hard road, I am on this path and I can relate to your feelings.

I hope to start a new journal soon, may try to this weekend...if not next week for sure.

Hope you have a great weekend!

[Momeejenjen]

Today is the marker of an extremely important historical event, however my mind is elsewhere. Trickling thoughts of pregnancy and babies seem to swamp my mind recently. Some days my heart it lighter and less focused, other days are more like today where my heart is heavy and concentrated.

The still of the office has left much room for wandering thoughts. This weekend was a nice get away from the day to day life. Brad and I took the children to an indoor water park resort this weekend. Throughout our stay it was fairly pleasant and the kids really enjoyed themselves. So many beautiful women with child seemed to sting a little more than normal. Thoughts of our next trip to the beautiful mountains began to linger as I realized that should I not get pregnant this month or next but instead in two months time that it might pose a dear problem to our annual Christmas cabin trip. I, however, will not let that hinder my trying to conceive activities. We will figure things out as they happen, and maybe, just maybe, I will get lucky and will have a beautiful newborn to take with us on our little trip.

In just a few short days is my birthday and also in a few short days I am expected to Ovulate. Fertility Friend (my charting site) has estimated my Ovulation date to be January 22nd. On my birthday, January 22nd, I will be turning 27 years old. What a joy it would be to find out that we successful conceived on my birthday.

[Momeejenjen]

Another day has pasted and a new day has swiftly replaced yesterdays worries with today’s.

Today my heart is light again. Excitement coursed through my veins this morning when I discovered that my best friend had text messaged me. Together Lori and I were inseparable, impenetrable, and just all around awesome! Shortly after my loss I stopped talking to my friends, my wonderful amazing I-phone had to be reset and of course because of that I lost all my phone numbers. Apparently around that same time Lori’s phone came up missing. But of course, she found me! I missed her. Seeing her text this morning “I miss you” made my entire week.

Tomorrow is my birthday and my lovely husband is taking me out to dinner to the Melting Pot! My In-laws surprised me last night when my niece made me some yummy homemade cupcakes and also made me a wonderful fleece blanket! My SIL gave me a beautiful red vase for my kitchen and my MIL got me some other things for my kitchen!  I love my in-laws!

To my surprise however, I discovered that one of my sister-in-laws and her husband are trying to conceive. I have to admit I was rather excited to learn of this. I really hope we are both pregnant very soon!

According to fertility friend I am supposed to Ovulate tomorrow. I have yet to get a positive Ovulation test, I would be very happy to see one. Brad and I have been baby dancing trying our best to catch that egg when it finally does drop! I am feeling hopeful this month although I am not expecting a BFP in February because I know that it is a very long process!

[Momeejenjen]

It’s not often that my “calm nature” is disrupted by my frustration; however over the course of the last few days, it’s been fairly put to the test. Last night after the hustle and bustle of getting the kids down to bed, I was able to finally rest my soul on the sofa next to my lovely husband. What seemed like seconds after taking my place between the arm rest and my ever so comfy, warm husband the phone begins to ring! “Who could be calling at 9:15 at night?” After springing to my feet to answer the phone I discover it’s a friend of mine. After a brief “hello, how are you?” she starts in with “You know I would never wish anything bad on my sister, and you know she doesn’t deserve this baby but…” If I were to take you back a couple months around the time I became pregnant, you could also see that her sister made the same discovery. The difference between her sister and myself is that I did everything I could for my pregnancy to be successful, and yet my pregnancy failed. Her sister on the other hand seems to be doing the complete opposite. Often visiting the methadone clinic and forgoing adequate prenatal care. Fast-forward to my present phone conversation… “My sister went in for an ultrasound and they found out that the baby has something wrong with the brain.” Unsure if it was obvious that my blood was beginning to boil, I could only respond with an “excuse me?” Our conversation continued on but my friend could not offer much more information on the baby’s case or her sister’s reaction.

Hanging up the phone I felt everything in me grow weak as I turned to my husband and expressed my anger and sadness. Our conversation remained steady on the fact that things are just rarely fair and that we can only pray for this baby to have a fighting chance at a decent life if it does indeed survive through the rest of the pregnancy and birth.

The night before I had received a text message from a friend of mine who is also expecting, “It’s a girl!!” nothing more followed the text message. This friend once told me she refuses to take prenatal vitamins because it’s too much of a hassle.

Months ago I had purchased a rather large desk calendar with beautiful bright colors. At work it sits beside me on my desk to help remind me of upcoming meetings and deadlines, having the visuals are important to me. Upon finding out I was expecting I had gone through and marked each week of the pregnancy with a number to help remind me how far along I was and would be through out the course of the entire pregnancy.

Two weeks after my loss when returning to work, in my dazed and confused state, I did my best to erase those numbers. However, the remnants of pencil markings can still be viewed on the bottom left corner of each box marked Wednesday. Tomorrow, Wednesday the 28th I would have been 24 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow is also the day I return to my Ob’s office for my 2nd blood test. I am hoping to find out more about my progesterone levels.

When it rains, it most seemingly pours, agreed?

[Momeejenjen]

So after having more blood drawn, it is now concluded that I have progestrone deficiancy and will be starting progestrone therapy next cycle. I am secretly wishing I don't make it to my next cycle and that I have a bundle of joy growing inside of me right now instead. '

I also just found out my best friend of 17 years is pregnant again with number 4. She just had a baby in October, this one of course was unplanned. I find it hard not to be jealous of her, the ease at which she gets pregnant and never having to feel like I do, scared to death of losing another baby. I am sure she worries, as do all mothers, but really until you have lost a baby, you never truely know how it feels.

I guess I need to go to bed.

[Momeejenjen]

A journey that I never imagined I would have to face, the path ahead of me goes over mountains, not hills, it crosses valleys and offers little relief. Month after month my heart gets heavier. It was today that I handed my situation over to God. I am going to trust him to give me what he feels I might need. I see where God is working in my life right now, and I am going to strengthen those areas to my full ability and let him know that I am strong. I am asking him for some peace while I still move forward on my journey.

Next month I will start my progesterone therapy, we will see where that takes us.

Today I miss my little angel baby. I whispered out to him yesterday that I loved him and miss him. Though my arms ache for him I know he is in good hands.

[Momeejenjen]

Insecurities of my mind are flooding my every movement in my fragile state of waiting. Nothing seems to be in its right place, confusion has set in and my sense of self has been displaced. My patience has worn to the thickness of the microscopic layer of a 90 year old woman’s ever brittle skin. Every little scratch, every little touch is painful… like a piercing serrated knife driven deep into my soul.

Too many times have I sat staring at the tiny framed window of a pregnancy test, praying for it to change, holding back the tears only to see the seconds tick away and nothing ever changes. As time goes on my senses seem almost numb, days seem like years, and minutes seem like hours.


I have the world at my finger tips, at first glance, everything seems to be settled into place with my life… except that sweet precious child… somewhere in heaven is my angel… meanwhile I ache and my womb stands empty.

[ChristaAnn]

Insecurities of my mind are flooding my every movement in my fragile state of waiting. Nothing seems to be in its right place, confusion has set in and my sense of self has been displaced. My patience has worn to the thickness of the microscopic layer of a 90 year old woman’s ever brittle skin. Every little scratch, every little touch is painful… like a piercing serrated knife driven deep into my soul.

Too many times have I sat staring at the tiny framed window of a pregnancy test, praying for it to change, holding back the tears only to see the seconds tick away and nothing ever changes. As time goes on my senses seem almost numb, days seem like years, and minutes seem like hours.


I have the world at my finger tips, at first glance, everything seems to be settled into place with my life… except that sweet precious child… somewhere in heaven is my angel… meanwhile I ache and my womb stands empty.[/b]

Don't get discouraged. I know first hand that it is hard to stay positive, but always remember when the time is right, god will bless you with the perfect little miracle that you've been waiting so long for. Keep your chin up darling and stay strong!

[Momeejenjen]

Letter to my husband:

Where my heart landed was a surprise to say the least. A chance meeting almost a year ago and here I am! My worries are your worries, my tears are your tears, my happiness radiates through you. My dearest husband you are the drive in my soul!

In my wildest of dreams I never imagined I would be so lucky as to find some one that was as perfect as you have been for me.

I need to show you more often just how much I love you.

I pray that soon from this moment my womb will be filled with a product of our love… an addition to our happiness!

I can’t wait to see the joyful tears in your eyes and the extra bounce in your step when you are with your first born. I love you.

[Momeejenjen]

A life ended so early is more than I believe anyone’s heart can really take…

In the last three years I have said good bye to more people, I have been to more funerals, and watched pain consume those I care about.

Besides losing my very own little angel baby in November of 08… I lost my 18 year old cousin Jessica in November of 06 when she was struck by a car… I lost my aunt in a car accident who was just in her 30’s. I lost my friend Jenna to cancer; she was just in her early 30’s. I watched my friend suffer the loss of her 5 year old daughter due to a blind cord accident. I watched my other friend lose her 9 year old son quickly to a blood disease. I watched my boss and friend lose her husband to a heart attack that quickly claimed his life. This week my uncle is now gone, in his early 40’s cancer claimed another victim.

Life ends so quickly sometimes… each of these peoples lives were cut short, my heart aches.

[Momeejenjen]

Every month this gets harder and harder, examining those tests, I actually find myself praying out loud for a different outcome. I know its ultimately out of my power but that doesn't make it any easier. Another month of charting, temping, using opks, and taking 3 packs of pregnancy tests gone down the drain.

Ugh.

[Momeejenjen]

Today I feel like a veil has been lifted... I don't know why, but I am lighter on my feet, I feel a little more energy than normal. Maybe it's because I am finally taking the reigns on my health. I have gained so much weight since the miscarriage. But for the past two days I have been making much better choices and I just feel better already. I feel like this might be the one change I needed to make to be successful on this journey!

One day I WILL have a baby in my arms, DH will have a child of his very own... one day!

[Momeejenjen]

Dear Ashton,

My sweet baby, gosh how I miss you. I remind myself often that one day I will get to hold you, and I promise sweetie when I finally get to hold you, I will never let you go.
Sometimes I can almost feel you still in my womb and I smile for a moment as I think of you. You would be a couple pounds by now and I am sure you would be kicking and wiggling around a lot inside mommy’s tummy, I would give anything to get to feel you right now. You would be running out of room though in mommy’s tummy and you would probably be getting ready to come out!

Mommy and Daddy often talk about you and the dreams we had for you, but we know God had a bigger plan for you. Sometimes is hard for mommy to understand that’s why I cry for you sweet baby. Mommy has a selfish nature and I want you here with me right now. I want to bring you home in my arms. Your big brother and sister miss you and send their love. Your daddy misses you tremendously but he works really hard to stay strong for me because he knows I get sad sometimes.

Mommy should be getting your room ready for you to come home to, but instead you have a special place in heaven, I bet that room is much more beautiful than anything mommy could have ever given you, but I sure would have tried.

I love you baby… I love you so much, more than words could ever express.

Missing you,
Mommy

[Momeejenjen]

I haven't posted in this journal in a while.. I've been just so wrapped up in "this won't happen" type attitude. The dr. put me on clomid this cycle... that clomid did a number on me... just a big mess of ickies. This cycle really messed me up too... I didn't realize that i would ovulate early on Clomid... I took the meds CDs 3-7. On CD 13 i noticed a lot of EWCM... I decided DH and I should BD just in case... and then the next day on CD 14 was even MORE CM and it was blood tinged! I grabbed some OPKs and started taking them immediatly and I left work early to go home and BD just in case... well over the course of the next couple of days, I noticed my CM has dried up and was turning to a watery/sticky type CM... and here on CD 18 its almost completely gone. It hit me today that I might have ovulated on CD 14.... so I called the nurse and she said "yeah your probably ovulated on CD 14" Thank heavens I followed my instinct so we weren't completely out this month (thats what I get for not doing BBT".


Dh's birthday is June 10th... I am hoping to give him a BFP on his birthday.... If i could get on my knees and beg for it to happen I would. I just want my sweet husband to be a daddy... he is already in my eyes b/c he is everything to my two children... but I want him to hold his sweet precious new born son/daughter in his arms for the first time, I want to see his tears of joy... I just want to give him those things, he deserves those things. *crossing my fingers*

[hopeful3853]

oh, jen, i hope you get your bfp REALLY soon. i hate when O sneaks up on you - good thing you followed your instincts!! watch that it will be this month with one really well timed BD!

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

I don't know if you're religious, but I prayed for you today... your journal has me in tears. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray God blesses you soon. I pray it happens this month. <3