[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

I have been debating the past couple of days whether or not to start this journal. I usually blog on my Myspace, but not everyone knows that DH and I are TTC another baby, and honestly, I'm just not ready to tell everyone yet. I don't really know why. Maybe it's because I'm afraid something will go wrong and it will take forever to get pregnant again, if we even are blessed enough to have that happen. Or maybe it's because I'm afraid of what people will say. I know, I know... I shouldn't worry about what others think, but that's exactly how I am. I live my life trying to make everyone happy, and it always ends up kicking me in the butt. My husband Dusty and I have an 11 month old son, Riley. We started TTC 3 months after we were married. It took 3 months for us to finally get pregnant. I say "finally" like it was a life-time, but to me, that's how it felt. Our first month, I really didn't know anything about TTC and we just went with the flow. After AF showed her ugly face, I was so discouraged that I started reading any and everything I could get my hands on... and found out we were doing it all wrong. It's funny, when you're in high school, they tell you how easy it is to get pregnant. "All it takes is ONE time." HA! I thought that was pretty funny, looking back. It may take just one time if you're 16 and not wanting a baby, but most of the time, if you want something SO bad, it takes months upon months. I guess DH and I were lucky in the sense it didn't take us years to get pregnant. I cannot even explain to you how I felt when I saw that BFP on my bathroom counter. I cried, I screamed, I jumped for joy... then became terrified that the jumping around somehow "un-implanted" our baby... then I called everyone I knew. Everyone loves Riley. He's such a little ray of sunshine, and I pray our next child is just the same. People think we're crazy, to try for another one now. But this is our life, and this is what WE want... so it's what we're doing.

This is our first month of really "trying." Last month was hit and miss, and I know we didn't even have sex anywhere near ovulation. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant. This month, I guess I've already started driving myself crazy... OPK's, charting CM/CP, etc. I promised myself I wouldn't even step into the HPT aisle, but I find myself there more times than not. At first, I wasn't even sure I was ovulating. I had caved at the first of the month, and bought a seven pack of OPK's, and all of them were negative. I kept telling myself, "No, you will NOT go into Wal-Mart and buy any more of them... just wait it out." But I, being the crazy POAS-aholic that I am, couldn't help myself. Thankfully, on Monday, I got a BFP and we BD like crazy... then, I got a yeast infection. We haven't had sex since. Ugh. I had three positive OPK's in a row, and even though Fertility Friend said I ovulated on Monday, I'm pretty sure I O'd late, so here I am, disappointed. I know, if FF is correct, I'm only 3DPO, but ugh... I'm ready for AF so I can get started on the next cycle.

I just can't wait to get pregnant again. I loved every minute of pregnancy with DS. I had zero morning sickness, everything went well. Even the delivery. Of course, I expected to go in there, be in labor a few hours, get an epi, and be done. But that wasn't how it went, ha ha. I have von Willebrand's disease, so I wasn't allowed to have an epi, and laid in agony for almost 20 hours. I pushed 3 hours before I got to look into my angel's face... but I'd do it all over again, ten times over, just to feel that way again. And as crazy as it seems, I can't wait to do it, either... laying there, being in pain, well, it's so worth it to me.

Here's hoping my BFP comes soon... until then, I'll be here.

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

I'm pretty sure we're out for this cycle... I don't even know when I ovulated, so I'm not even remotely getting my hopes up anymore. I was having some post-ovulation cramping, but it's gone today, so... *sigh*. It's funny, no matter how many times I tell myself I'm not going to worry, that I'm going to just let things happen as they do, I know that isn't the case. I'm going to anxiously await AF, POAS like a woman possessed, and everything in between. When DH first asked me if I wanted another baby, I can honestly say I hadn't really given it much thought. Riley was only 9 months old at the time, but I told him I'd think about it. I'm pretty certain I have full-on baby fever now, though. I want to be pregnant again. I can't wait to tell DH 'Guess what? You're going to be a dad again!' To experience ultrasounds, and hearing the heartbeat for the very first time, and everything that comes in between. But part of me is so fearful... how could I ever love another child like I love Riley? How can I divide my time between two children, instead of giving it all to him? I don't want him to feel pushed aside, or unwanted or unloved. I know, though, that there's going to be room for two... just right now, it's hard to imagine. Still, though, I want this SO bad. I find myself wandering into the baby aisles again, looking at newborn things... longing to hold an infant in my arms again. Sometimes I wonder though, that if Riley will be my only blessing. If things may not work out the way I had planned, and to be honest, that scares me a little. I know I can't dwell on "what if's" though. Working so often, I guess it takes the "waiting" out of the TWW. I hardly have time to brush my teeth anymore, so worry about when AF is coming is a little easier... but I'm pretty sure she'll show her ugly face in the next few days. I keep telling myself, "No more OPK's" but I need to go to Wal-Mart later and they'll somehow end up in my cart. Here's hoping the cashier doesn't look at me like I'm crazy.

10 more days until AF is due... I'm still keeping my fingers crossed until I know for sure. It'd be a great Father's Day present, though. . .

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

It's 4 a.m.

I soon have to get ready for work, but I just feel so. . . I don't know. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I have such a wonderful family. I'd do anything for either my husband or my son. They're both my life. I need them more than anything. But I also feel like I need this more than anything, too. Is that being selfish? Should I just sit back and say "Okay God... I'm thankful for what you've given me, and I won't ask for anymore?" Or should I beg Him to send me just one more blessing, to make our family whole? I feel guilty sometimes. I look around me, and see people who want to get pregnant more than anything, and they can't... or they do finally get pregnant and tragedy strikes, and it's gone in an instant. And in the same sense, I also see people throwing their children away like yesterday's trash; caring nothing for them. It doesn't seem fair. God knows what he's doing, I believe that with everything in me, despite if I understand. I guess my biggest fear is that He'll shake his head, tell me I'm finished, and I won't get a second chance to experience holding my son or daughter for the first time, or just being pregnant and enjoying the miracles that come along with it.

Part of me wishes God could just tell us flat out... yes or no. But I guess life wouldn't be worth living if you knew everything in advance, right?

The wait is killing me. It hasn't even been a week since I ovulated (or well, thought I ovulated). I really need to start temping next cycle, but it's just another worry on my list, and I promised DH I wouldn't start going crazy with this go around. I'm just praying what little bit of BD'ing we did get in this month did the trick...

I'm pretty sure it didn't, but hey. . . a girl can dream, right?

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

I had the weirdest dream last night. For some reason I decided to print off my chart from Fertility Friend (funny thing, I don't even use that site... must have been all the reading I do on here), and when it printed, it told me my Hcg level was 5, and had a picture of my BFP, ha ha. It was like I took a test without having to even POAS! Ohhh, I must be losing my mind, LOL. I don't even think an Hcg of 5 is good? Geesh.

Anywho. I'm about 6DPO today. No symptoms, still. However, I'm not getting too discouraged on that note because I didn't have any symptoms with DS, either. Well, except one day of tingly breasts and I'm almost certain that was the day I implanted with him. Anyways, I'm still almost certain this past cycle was a bust, but I'm not going to get too down until AF shows her ugly face. I'm really praying this is it, though. We want another baby SO bad, and it seems like every time I turn around someone else is pregnant. It's like now that we're trying again, pregnancy is EVERYWHERE. In the grocery store, at work. . . I can't escape it. And it's torturing me. I want it to be "my turn" again. But I still feel selfish saying that sometimes. I have a wonderful blessing already. What makes me think God is going to say I deserve another one?

The wait is killing me, though. I still have a while before I can test. About a week or so. I've been working so much that I don't really have time to worry about it, but it's like every twinge, every cramp, I keep thinking "Okay, is this it? Or my mind playing tricks on me?" I'm pretty sure it's the latter. . .

Ugh.

Come on baby bean... implant, stick, grow... Mommy wants you so bad.

[Lulubelle]

Wow...you relly want a 2nd baby NOW! I wish you lots of luck and I'm sure it will happen soon especially because your 1st child was conceived extremely fast!

We are just starting our 5th cycle and its our 1st...every month is a rollercoaster of emotions...

Your son is really cute. Congratulations on your 1st and good luck with your 2nd...who know...you might have twins! I hope you get your BFP this month.

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

Thank you. And yes, I'd love to get pregnant ASAP. I want my little man to enjoy being a big brother, and for me and DH to feel like we've completed our family. I cannot wait.

Best of luck to you! I know it can be frustrating, playing the waiting game... but I hope you too get your BFP soon!

[Lulubelle]

Wow...you relly want a 2nd baby NOW! I wish you lots of luck and I'm sure it will happen soon especially because your 1st child was conceived extremely fast!

We are just starting our 5th cycle and its our 1st...every month is a rollercoaster of emotions...

Your son is really cute. Congratulations on your 1st and good luck with your 2nd...who knows...you might have twins! I hope you get your BFP this month.

[Lulubelle]

Sorry for the double post...I'm new at this...

Thanks for the wishes too!

I'll be checking your journal for good news!

All the best.

[hopeful3853]

ugh. i know how you feel about the myth of it only taking "just that one time." it's funny that we spend so many years trying NOT to get pregnant, and then now we are struggling to. all those years i was worrying, turns out i didn't need to worry so much!

hope it happens soon for you.

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

I decided to go ahead and get it over with. There was no use in sitting here day after day wondering if these cramps are because AF is due in a few days or because I was really pregnant. Here I was, toting my 11 month old son around (mind you, it's pouring the rain today, and my jeans are soaked! Geesh!) in the Dollar Store. He's getting all these compliments from random strangers. That makes me feel so great... to see all these people telling him how adorable he is. And he just smiles right back at them. He's my angel. Anywho. I didn't want to just march up to the counter and say, "Can I have this many pregnancy tests, please?" The last time I asked for a test there I thought I may be pregnant and was really hoping I wasn't. Riley wasn't that old, and I was scared half to death. The cashier asked, 'Are you hoping for a positive?' No, I told her, and walked right out. Anyways, I walked around the store and found some things I needed and then asked the cashier for 2 tests. I didn't want to seem like a crazy woman buying 5 or 6 tests, so I just asked for two. One for today, and hopefully one for when AF doesn't show her face. I got home, took it, and waited the three minutes... went to the bathroom, knowing what I'd see. Big Fat Negative. I don't know why I'm disappointed. It was what I was expecting. I'm only 8 DPO, but I'm giving it up. . .

God, I really want this. And the longer we try, the harder it's going to get.

*Sigh*

[mrscales]

aww, kim...don't get disappointed. i'm new to this and can see how easy it is to get caught up in ttcing...it's crazy. eric thinks i'm crazy but it's all you can think about! just give it time, enjoy the blessings that you have now. ::: BIG HUG :::

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

Thanks, Sam.

I really am thankful for everything that I have in my life. God has blessed me with so many things. . . I just want this so incredibly bad. I never thought I'd want one this quickly, but I have full-on baby fever now. It seems like everywhere I go, pregnancy follows me. But that was the case with Riley, too. I know it's only been a couple of months, but to someone who's TTC, it seems like a lifetime already. And I know I have nothing to complain about. . . some girls have been trying for years with no luck. Just take my cousins for example. They tried for 13 years, and had given up hope. When all of a sudden, she's pregnant. She didn't even know! They sent her for a dating scan because she couldn't remember when her last period was, they were that irregular... and the tech. asked her if she wanted to know what she was having. She said, 'You can tell this early?' She was 5 1/2 months along! Ha ha. I guess she was glad she didn't have all those first trimester worries.

I just hate waiting. I'm very impatient anyways. I'm always praying for God to give me patience... maybe this is how he's going to teach me.

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

This song was made for me. . .

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

I feel so guilty for wanting this. It's like I'm saying, "Okay God, you've given me so much, but it just isn't good enough. I need more." I know there are so many women out there who will never get the chance to experience what I did with Riley. To feel their child moving beneath their hearts; seeing them on an ultrasound, or even hearing that very first cry. Some will never feel the joy of watching their child take their first steps, or hearing their first words. I feel selfish, like I'm saying Riley wasn't good enough for us. I don't feel that way, at all. I love Riley, more than words could even begin to explain. I cannot even imagine my life without him. He's my everything. He's brought so much happiness into my life the past 11 months. And wanting another, well, it makes me feel guilty.

Maybe it's normal to feel that way? I don't know. I wonder sometimes how I could ever love another child as much as I love Riley; if there's room for two. Maybe that's why I feel like we're not going to be able to get pregnant again, because I just can't do it. My mom keeps telling me that your heart can always make room for one more... but I'm not so sure mine is capable. It's weird. One part of me wants this SO much. So much I can taste it, and another part of me is scared to death.

I do want Riley growing up with a brother or sister. I want him to have that in his life. I'm just so afraid that Dusty and I won't be able to give it to him. I'm afraid that something's wrong, after my biopsy, and cryosurgery, and labor with him, what if it's just not possible?

I'm due for AF in 4 days. I know she's coming. I can feel it. I took another pregnancy test last night and it was negative, as usual. I had my hopes up... I started feeling sick, my breasts were so sore. But I know it's all in my head right now. I just wish she'd come on so we could go on to another cycle.

Dusty says I'm stressing too much, already. This is only our 2nd cycle. It took 3 with Riley, but I know that wasn't long, at all. I just hope if God does decide to bless us again, it won't take years upon years. I don't think I can handle that.

But like I said before, I'm always praying for patience, and maybe this is just God's way of giving me my answer.

It's just so hard.

I'm already giving up, and it hasn't even been six months, or a year, or two...

*Sigh*

I don't know what to do.

[Lulubelle]

The fact that you already have a child with your DH speaks volumes. You shouldn't put this kind of stress on your body especially now when you should be relaxed while your TTC'ing.

It's hard to relax...I know that...I've been trying to do so for the past 4 months/5 cycles...you will always have room in your heart for another child that's a fact...

Good luck and be patient because your BFP is on its way for sure whether its this month or the next.

Best of luck...I feel what you feel minus the fact that you're trying for #2 and I for #1...that means I'm worse off...god I hope I'll get my BFP this cycle or the next...believe me you're not alone and we'll all get through it and have lots of babies in the months to come.

Lots of baby dust your way!

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

Wow. I'm not really sure what to say. Three days ago, I had given up on getting a BFP. At 9 & 10DPO I was getting BFN's, and was giving up all hope. Friday night, Dusty and I got into a huge fight. Looking back, it was immature on both of our parts, but needless to say he ended up sleeping on the couch. I got up that morning, feeling totally normal. My cramps were gone, my breasts weren't tender anymore. I wrote it off to just not being pregnant. I laid in bed that morning, asking myself if I wanted to take another test. I was certain I wasn't pregnant. We didn't have sex the day I ovulated... there just wasn't any way. I had one test left, and wanted to just get it over with. I had promised myself I didn't even want to test anymore. I was just going to wait on AF to show, and then save the test for next month. But, if anyone else is like me, having a HPT in your house, mixed with being curious, well, it gets the best of you.

I went into the bathroom, POAS, and waited. I looked down, and thought, "Well, that looks like a faint line." I immediately took the test into better lighting. Yes! I could see a line. Of course, what if it was an evap? I was scared. FRER usually doesn't come up with an evap in 2 minutes, but hey, it could happen, right? I take a picture of the test, and immediately get online to JM. There are numerous people telling me they can see a line, too! And a friend of mine said she could see it as well. It was barely there, but still, a line!

I woke up DH. He was still angry with me from the night before, but I didn't really care. Ha ha. I said, "I need to show you something." He got out of bed (or off the couch, rather), and said "What is it?" I showed him the test. He says, "Oh, so you're not pregnant?"
I'm like "What? You can't see that line?" "No, I don't see anything." However, after taking him outside, he sees it, and turns to me and says, "Really? That light line means you're pregnant?" And he smiled.

I wasn't fully convinced. What if it was a chemical pregnancy? Something else? We had plans to go out that afternoon, and our first stop was Wal-Mart to pick up a digi. I wanted to POAS there, but of course, they were cleaning the bathrooms! Ugh! So, we headed to Texas for dinner, and first thing, I went into the bathroom. I had never used a digital before, so after reading the instructions, I POAS and sat there... the little hourglass seemed to take forever. I knew our waitress was waiting so I laid the stick in my purse and went to the table. Dusty had ran into someone he knew, and was talking, and I just kept waiting for the test to say SOMETHING! I looked down, and there it was... "Pregnant." Wow. I didn't know what to say. I snapped a picture with my phone. When Dusty sat down, he looked and me, and I shook my head. I'm pretty sure he thought I meant the test was negative, but he asked what it said anyways. I showed him the picture. "Wow." That was all he said.

We're both in shock. I'm still nervous. I'm only 3 weeks, 5 days. That seems SO early, but we're telling our parents today. I bought Riley a shirt that says "I'm the big brother" on it. We're taking him to church in it and just waiting to see how long it takes my parents to realize what it says. We'll tell Dusty's afterward.

I'm just praying this sticks. I want this so bad. Regardless of being terrified, I want it SO much.

I have to admit, getting a BFP the first month of really trying, well, it was a huge surprise, but one I'm willing to live with.

[<>*NaYoMi_BaBy_Dreamer*<>]

I AM SO EXITED AND HAPPY FOR YOU....I WAS HOPING TO READ A :BFP: STORY AND YOU JUST MADE MY DAY!!! YOU ARE THE THIRD STORY I READ THIS MONTH....HERE IS SOME BABY STICKING I HOPE YOU KEEP A JOURNAL IN THE JAN/FEB DDC.............BEST OF WISHES TO YOU AND YOUR GROWWING FAMILY!!!!

[Lulubelle]

Wow, that's amazing!!! Congratulations and I wish you lots of H&H during this pregnancy you soooo wanted!!

Keep us posted.

All the best!

[Riley & Landon's Mommy]

None of this seems very real. After taking a regular HPT, and even two digitals, it still hasn't sank in that I'm going to be a mom again. I'm still so nervous, wondering if something is going to go wrong, if I may lose this child. I'm trying so hard to just keep my faith up, though. I know God will take care of us, just like he took care of Riley.

It's just so nerve-wracking, not being able to feel anything yet, waiting for that very first ultrasound, seeing and/or hearing the heartbeat... I can't wait. I don't want to rush things, though. This could be our last pregnancy, because DH hasn't decided if he wants another. And with the economy being the way it is, we may have to stop at 2. I've chosen not to get my tubes tied, though. I don't want to make that choice right now. Anything could happen, I know that... I'm just not ready.

It just seems so unreal, though. A million emotions are going through my mind. I'm so excited, but terrified at the same time. It's a lot to swallow in less than a week.

I can't wait to make Riley a big brother, though. I think he's going to love having someone to play with, and spend time with. I couldn't imagine being an only child. I have two brothers and a sister that I grew up with, and I don't know what I'd do without any of them. He needs this in his life just as much as his father and I do.

I'm just so grateful. I cannot thank God enough for this. I'm so blessed.

I pray that everyone gets their BFP's soon. I know how much all you ladies want them, and I'm praying they come VERY soon. Best of luck to all of you. <3

[jenni_48760]

Wow congrats..... I'm in my second cycle now....before this, we we're trying to get pg, but we we're trying not to either.....

Here's to a H&H 9 months!!!