[BeccaMenk]

July 12,2010

So I was thinking that I needed a place to vent and think and write and then I saw this. Maybe it will help me to get out the frustration I feel right now.

We have only been married for a month or so and bding that long too. I know its silly to be discouraged already but I am. It isn't so much the negatives and all that..as it is that my body doesn't work like anyone else. I don't ovulate very often and when I do I can't tell cause the OPK tests are not reliable. I want to go to the doctor and get checked up and get the pills to make me ovulate...but I don't have my insurance card yet ( it seems like its never going to get here! I have been waiting for weeks) and we have so little money.

I just feel like life is not going to be complete until we have our little one. I just know that oneday we will but I hate the waiting. I feel a need to be a mother and to love a child. I think my husband and I need it in order to keep our marriage strong. I want to stay home with my babies and live... it is so important to us.

I have no idea where I am in my cycle. I hate taking temps so I haven't been but I think I will start tomorrow morning doing it. I couldn't before because I was working a crazy schedule. The CM signs don't seem to match the OPK tests or my Cervix positions...its just annoying! So maybe the temps will help.

I know God is control and I trust in Him. Many of my friends are either pregnant or just gave birth and I am so happy for them..but I also feel guilty cause I am jealous too..but I fight those feelinsgs. My sister has PCOS ( and I am sure I do too) and she is pregnant with #3. I am so happy for them too...but still a little jealous.

A few nights back my husband and I had a Bding moment and after I felt something I never felt before ( lol,in all my time of experience) . It was like something deeper happened beyond our physical showing of love. It was deeper...as if God was present. It was a feeling I will never forget...and yet I already seem to be. It was the first time that bding felt purely like "making love". I know that is something that is pretty personal to share, but I just can't keep it to myself. Anyway, afterwards I felt like... that was baby making sex! If there was a time or a moment that a baby is made, I hope and pray it is in a moment like that. It was so loving and pure that I felt a baby HAD to be made that night... Right now I don't think about it..but in the back of my mind I can't wait to test in a few weeks and see. It is probably a false hope..but after that moment I knew I was going ot have a little one..now I am not sure again.

Money is so tight and I am worried. We are barely making it with the bills. I know its not the best time for a child but I also trust God creates life and He will take care of it. We are thinking of some small buisness ventures for side income and we shall see how that goes.

So to all you strangers out there who are praying,hoping, crying, for a child...I am with you! I am young and I know I have time..but my heart longs for that moment when I am fully a woman..when I can conceive and bear life. I am pretty old fashion...I want to be barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen..to me that is the greatest joy of being a woman....