[EricaLee]

OK so I have decided to Journal. I feel like a crazy posting psycho and I don't want to flood the board with my crazy brain. So now I can just get it all out here and know someone must read it? For some reason a real journal like one you would keep under your pillow is useless to me! I am a talker and I need to know my words go to someone; I am not satisfied to just get my words out!

Ok well now that my crazy rationalization of why am journaling is out, let’s do this!

I am Erica and Me and DH have been married for a bit over 5 years. He was in the military so we got relocated a billion miles from family, not really just NY to NC but still feels like a billion. He has since got out and we have bought a house and settled down and decided this is our home. After being married for a little over 2 years we decided to NTNP and BAM... DD was conceived first month no charts, temps, tests, cm, obsession, none of that, just happened! 9 Months later we were blessed with the most incredible little girl any one is this would could ask for and way more than I ever thought I deserved. Once DD was about 15 months we decided we were ready for another, so I had my IUD removed, the IUD I got cause I thought we were some baby making machines, oh how wrong I was. My IUD was removed end of January 2010 and after my removal bleed was done we started TTC I never really researched anything I just got an app for my phone and made sure to DTD on the days leading up to CD 14 and a day or 2 after... Well it took about 4 months for my cycle to go back to a 28-29 day cycle... so we are off....... and NOTHING.... NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING and oh did I say NOTHING!!!!! So since July I have been on a mission and it was just not happening...

Here I am 12DPO I have charted CM, temps, OPK's the whole 9 this cycle cause I met with a Doc and she is concerned I may have PCOS since I had a cyst surgery when I was 18 and am foggy on if I was diagnosed with anything, come on I was 18, my Mom talked to the doctor, I just had 2 ruptured and then had a surgery.... So IF this is not my cycle we begin testing next cycle... She has ordered an HSG and Ultrasound for me and a SA for DH....

I am scared of the HSG and I am mad that I have to do these tests, I am lucky to have them done, lots of others don't get that help, but I am just so mad, we did it last time first try, why does expanding my family and wanting another little one to raise have to be so hard and emotional? WHY!!??

So 12DPO, huh... this stinks! I have been POAS since 7DPO; I have not had a thing! STARK WHITE TESTS, I guess that is good because an evap or faint line would probably send me over the edge and make certifiable.. but gosh, I just want this so bad, to the point now where I think it has consumed me and I may be losing or have lost a piece of myself in this venture to create another person.

I don't think I can handle another cycle, I just don't think I have it in me. I think I am getting my tests to make sure I and DH are healthy and then go to NTNP.... I am just too OCD for that, now that I know I want it so bad. Last time it was easier, we were not sure if it was what we wanted so we just did wait and see!

Well I think I am going to leave my first long journal entry at that, even though I am sure they meant Journal your symptoms this felt good.... Thanks for getting that off my chest, maybe I can relax.... One can hope right?

[EricaLee]

Well today, not any better off than yesterday, still royally depressed. I need to stop obsessing. 13 DPO AF is due and 2 more BFN's today..... I could just cry, I give up. Well I WANT to give up I just don't know how... need to try to figure that out.

[EricaLee]

Everything is making me cry.... CD1.......

[EricaLee]

Well now that.. THAT is over with.... With THAT I am referring to my holy how depressed PMS or whatever, YUCK! I am feeling much better it is just the shock of AF arriving and really thinking this was it, interested to see if it happens again next cycle...

Well CD 4 here I am! I am feeling much better! Still very tired though and trying to drink lots of water!

Today I had blood drwan it is the first step to the few tests we are getting this cycle. On the 22nd I go and get my HSG and I have to schedul emy ultrasound. DH is dragging his feet with his SA and he is really going to piss me off if he doesn't go soon. He is supposed to not go anymore that 7 days without DTD.. Well that window has passed and my doctor said no unprotected sex before my HSG is over with... Well his fault he is going to have to "fly solo" and then wait 2 days and go do it again, I told him to go this week!

So I am feeling better DD came with me when I got my blood drawn she is 2, she thought goging to the docotor with Mommy was the coolest, she has her own doctor kit she plays with so she was so amazed when she got to see it in real life, LOL!

So off we go into this cycle!