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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
April 13th, 2008, 12:57 AM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hi ladies. I don't know if any of you remember me. I rarely ever post here. I guess it's still too painful right now to even think about my losses most days. Right now I can't help but think about them. When I had my first loss, I was so upbeat afterwards. Yeah, it sucked, but I was going to be pregnant before I ever got to that EDD. That little bean would be around 10 months old now if I hadn't lost him. 7 months later it happened. Another BFP. I was thrilled. I mean.... I knew it would happen. Before my EDD even. This one was going to be due towards the end of January. The first anniversary of my Daddy's death. Now I was going to have something to look forward to instead of something to dread. Except I lost that one too. Then I had not only the death of my Dad, but remembering the bean that I lost all at one time. My EDD for my first bean came and went. I had a rough day, but not as bad as I expected. A month later I got another BFP. This time I had decided we wouldn't tell anyone until I got confirmation from a doctor. The day the doctor confirmed the pregnancy I went to DH's parents and we told them. The cramping started on the way home, and by the time we got there (20 minutes away) I was bleeding. I had lost my third bean in just under a year. The EDD of the 2nd bean and the coinciding anniversary of my Dad's death was hard. Add to the fact that I decided that would be a good time to move, and it was pure insanity. But it kept me busy, so it could have been worse.

Now here I set, 1 day shy of my 3rd bean's EDD. Still not pregnant. LP seems to be getting shorter and I'm not even sure I'm ovulating every cycle. My SIL bless her heart is having her first next week via a scheduled c-section. She really wants us to be very involved, but seeing her is just a daily reminder of where I should be. Most days I'm okay but a few hours ago when she was here I just wanted to scream or punch something. I wanted to scream to the whole world that it's just not fair. I've been trying for two years, and I've had three little babies ripped away from me. Meanwhile, her and my BIL had been dating two and a half months when they found out they were pregnant. It wasn't planned. It just happened. Why can't it just happen for me. I am so tired of temping and peeing on a stick every day only to obsess about which line is darker so I can determine whether I ovulated or not. I am sick of having to time sex with my husband around my cycle and trying to find a time when I can stay laying there with my butt in the air so that maybe, just maybe this time will be the one time that I finally get a baby. Each month my hopes are destroyed over and over when I see that first spot of blood.

I am so tired of hearing my husband say he understands when in reality, he just wants to forget about the beans we lost and "have fun" until we have an "accident". And mostly I am so far beyond sick and tired of hearing people tell me that I should just be happy with the two children I do have. Yes, I know I am lucky to have two beautiful and healthy children, but that doesn't ease the pain of the three that I lost. Nor does it take away from the fact that I wanted so many more. I ALWAYS from the time I was barely old enough to talk said I wanted to be a mommy and that I wanted a large family. When I was three and my mom was about to give birth to my sister I said I was going to grow up and have a billion-gazillion kids. I would have settled for 5 or 6 but at this point, it doesn't even look like I am going to get a third. This should be some of the happiest days of my life, but instead I am sitting here mourning for three little babies that I never got to hold, to see, to name. I want so badly to have names for my babies, but DH doesn't even want to talk about that. He thinks it's strange. We were barely even starting our pregnancies.....have no idea if they were boys or girls, and naming them seems "morbid" to him. I wouldn't name a living child without discussing it with him, so how can I name these babies without his input. So for now my babies live on....nameless, but remembered each and every single day.

And lately.... it's almost as if some part of my brain has forgotten that I'm not going to be having a baby anytime soon. I have this overwhelming urge to go buy........everything for a baby/nursery. I cannot slow down the past few days. I've been cleaning, and organizing and rearranging the house. I'm nesting. I know that. I've done it twice before.....always just days before giving birth. Is that even normal? Nesting right before the EDD of a bean that you lost? I didn't think I did it the first two times, but then again.....I don't know. The second EDD I was moving.....so kind of nesting. Has TTC finally stolen my sanity or is this normal? I just don't know what to think anymore.

I'm sorry for the novel, but I am just really feeling super emotional right now, and no one IRL understands what I am going through. None of them have ever had to deal with this and everyone seems to think that if I just ignore the losses and "just relax" I'll be pregnant in no time. There isn't anyone in my life who understands what I am going through. No one but you ladies. If you made it this far, bless your heart for reading all that. I really needed to vent, and I do feel a bit better now after getting all that (and lots of tears) out. I'm so glad that JM is here for us so that we are able to talk to others who are going through the same things we are. Thank you for listening, and I am really sorry about each one of your losses.
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  #2  
April 13th, 2008, 08:48 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Stephanie I am so sorry for all you are dealing with right now. No one should have to deal with so many losses. And you are right that having your children isn't some "consolation prize". Of COURSE you love them, of course you are grateful for them, that doesn't mean you don't grieve for the ones you lost. To me that concept is as silly as thinking that if a friend dies it is somehow made better if you have "more friends". Loss is loss regardless of how many other blessings you have in life. As far as naming your babies without Dh...I did. I wanted him to play a part in it - but because he wouldn't I did it without him. I personally have no problem with that. I wanted names for my angels. I felt my angels deserved that & I felt I deserved that too. I think if want names for your angels you have EVERY right to choose names with or without his participation. Men deal with things differently...and that is okay. They just don't experience this (or really anything else) in the same way we do. I would not limit yourself on your healing based on how your Dh deals with it.

In regard to your SIL...I am not sure how I would feel any differently than you do. It's tough to have to deal with other people's pgs whether close to you or not - but definitely more-so when you have to see someone a lot....and it IS harder when you know someone else didn't mean to have it happen or doesn't really seem to be thrilled about it. It is okay to be angry about it - that will pass in time. I have had the whole "why me" tantrum a time or two & I think it help me get it out of my system. I don't know about the nesting.... I think I went through times where I so badly didn't want to think about the pain that would find myself diving into "busy work" projects to just keep moving - almost as if I was going fast enough it wouldn't catch me. Based on the whole moving thing & other things you mentioned I would think perhaps this is just a bit of that.

I am sorry you are struggling. I hope you stick around a bit & talk some more & try to work through all these things you are feeling. It is tough to go through this & there is no need to deal with it alone. The ladies here are fantastic support & they all understand. I send you much love & prayers for healing!
Beckie
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If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
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  #3  
April 13th, 2008, 11:07 AM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks for your reply. DH said recently that I didn't seem to think that the losses wer affecting him, and I told him, I know they do, it's just very different from the way I deal with it. He didn't seem to think that men and women grieve differently, so I illustrated that point last night by asking him...."OK, then tell me this.....how old would our babies be right now if we hadn't lost them?" He just kind of dropped his head and said he didn't know. I quickly explained that I wasn't trying to make him feel bad......just showing him the difference between how we grieve. His method was to be sad for a bit, and then put the loss away somewhere in the back of his mind. Me.... I think about them every day. I know exactly how old my babies would be.

I guess I just really needed a chance to get it all out somewhere that I wasn't going to be made to feel like my losses were something less than what they really were. They were babies......my babies that I have wanted for soo long. And they died. I just wish people would stop tiptoeing around the issue and say that yes....I had a child that died. Wether or not I ever held that child in my arms is irrelevant. It was still my child, and that child died. Instead they say it was an UNSUCCESSFUL PREGNANCY, and I am supposed to just forget about it. That's not fair to me or my bean. Or to any woman who has ever experience a loss. And I do realize that it's just something that no one can fully understand until they have been through it. I know that I probably hurt someone's feelings somewhere along the way by not acknowledging their loss the way they wanted it acknowledged, and that is something that breaks my heart now. I'm just glad that this place is here and that I can come and let it all out here.
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  #4  
April 13th, 2008, 11:25 PM
LisaB's Avatar Mom to twins + 1
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I'm so sorry you're hurting sweets. I can feel your pain from here. I do think it's true everyone grieves differently, and that's not just men and women but each individual. I have never dealt well with loss personally. Hubby tends to shut down from life while I turn inward and cry a lot. Neither is right or wrong. It sounds like you really need to talk about this and unfortunately that's not your husband's way of dealing with loss. Which is a shame, but no one's fault. You always have us ladies to talk to! This group is very understanding because we've all been there. Anytime you need to vent please feel free, and I'm always glad to lend an ear if you want to send a PM. I know it's helped me a lot to vent here on this board - just getting it out in the open was a big step, since I don't feel like anyone in real life would understand and therefore kept everything to myself. It's awful, because people know something is wrong and yet you don't feel like you can tell them why. I felt like a leper at work, with friends, family. Miscarriage is a very difficult subject to bring up openly, because most people simply don't understand unless they've been through it. It's a wonderful thing (relatively speaking) that we can talk to and console each other here.

I don't have living children, but if I did I imagine it would be difficult because I'd have to put on a happy face all the time for them, which is so hard to do when you need time to grieve. That must be very hard for you. I can sympathize about grieving for your losses even though you have children. I'm pregnant with twin girls, yet I cry all the time for the ones that didn't make it, particularly my twin boys since I really bonded with them. I know we always bond with our babies no matter what, I'm not trying to minimize the others, but in this case my boys were so real to me because I saw them moving & waving on ultrasound. I fall apart every time I think about them. I miss my boys so much and would give just about anything to have them back.

That you've been trying for so long to conceive again doesn't help matters I know so well. It adds insult to injury. People can recover pretty well when they've been hit once, but hit them over and over and it is increasingly difficult to get up again. It's especially hard when your friends/family are pregnant! I still have a phobia of baby showers, even now.

I wish I could say something to make you feel better! I know that with time things do get better, though it's an ebb and flow. Be patient and kind to yourself. Lots of hugs coming your way!
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8/5/08 Beautiful twin girls Leigh and Lucy born after 4-year struggle with RPL & 6 losses
12/10/09 Surprise! Baby #3 is on the way, EDD 6/22/10

12/29/09 2nd ultrasound - joining team blue

6/16/10 Baby Ben is born!


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  #5  
April 14th, 2008, 12:19 AM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thank you for your kind words. Just finally being able to say some of the things that I needed to get out seems to have relieved so much of the stress. I know I still have a long way to go, but I do feel somewhat better already. Maybe it's a combination of getting things said, and enough time passing. IDK....I just know that even the way DH and I were able to talk about things tonight and come up with names for our angels went much more smoothly than before. And then tonight we were watching tv and before he went to bed he hugged me and told me "You know, I miss the babies too." It was the first time he ever said that outloud. I guess deep down part of me did feel like he didn't care about the ones we lost. It helps to know that he does think about them sometimes too.
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  #6  
April 14th, 2008, 06:53 AM
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Your situation sounds so similar to mine. I lost 3 babies last year and am coming up on the third one's DD in June and I am still not pg. I, too, thought after the first loss that it would be ok because I would be pg by the time the DD came around. It came and went and another came and went along with our anniversary of when we lost our first. I, however, do not have children already but I do understand the pain of losing three babies and I know the longing for a baby is so strong whether you have children already or not. People tell me to enjoy these first few years of being married and spending time with DH, I am sure just as much as people tell you to enjoy the children that you have, but it is hard. When you miss your babies, it is hard not to imagine where they would be now if I hadn't lost them. It is hard to just enjoy being alone with DH when all I want is a baby to put to sleep at night. You will never forget your babies and it is easy for people who haven't experienced a loss to tell you to just move on. Only people who have been in your shoes know what it feels like, that is why I love this board.
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  #7  
April 14th, 2008, 11:40 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Loss of any kind is hard to work through, but pg loss seems so much more difficult because, like you said, most people IRL just don't understand. I'm so glad you're comfortable enough with us to share your pain here. This place is about the only thing that kept me sane after my losses. I had never truly grieved ANY loss before losing my angels, even though I've lost several people very close to me. It's OK to need to vent, it's OK to cry, it's even OK to laugh if you feel like it. Grief isn't a destination, it's a journey, a process. Some days will be better than others and some will be worse. Sometimes you'll just move forward a minute at a time. And that's all normal. Whatever happens, take good care of you and don't be afraid to ask for what you need (hug time with DH, understanding ears on here for venting or virtual shoulders to cry on, etc.).
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  #8  
April 14th, 2008, 07:46 PM
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I understand your pain. Sometimes it seems pregnancy is EVERYWHERE - SILs, boss, and friends. Some days I have a hard time not crying, others I find I'm quite positive. Hope you have many positive days to come. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you go through this difficult time.

Nicole
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Me: 33
DH: 32

TTC 3/07
m/c - 7/29/07 (5w4d)
m/c - 10/8/07 (6w4d)
m/c - 2/27/08 (11w5d)
m/c - 6/20/08 (7w2d)
9/08 - IVF w/ PGD: Cycle cancelled, not enough mature follies
10/08 - IVF w/ PGD: Cycle cancelled, ovulated on my own
12/08 - IVF w/ PGD: BFP!
Owen Royce...born August 28, 2009

1/10 IVF w/ PGD: 1 egg fertilized, so no PGD
1/30/10 Transferred in one embryo
2/13/10 - BFP!
Georgia Elle...born October 15, 2010




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