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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
April 16th, 2008, 07:39 AM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I really don't want this to come across the wrong way, so I hope people can understand what I am saying. I want to start by saying I know that loss of a child or still birth must be a lot harder than my early miscarriages. In no way do I want to try to take away from how difficult those must be.I just don't want anyone trying to minimize my pain either!

I know a woman IRL who's daughter (19) had a very premature baby. The baby lived for a week, and they (the family) thought she was going to survive. I felt really bad for them when I found out what had happened, and I shed alot of tears for this girl. Well, the woman was recently talking about her daughter and how she was having a hard time again (it's been about 8 months since they lost their angel) and I told her to let her daughter know she could come to me if she needed someone to talk to. I even said "I know I can't understand exactly what she is going through, but after several miscarriages, I can probably understand a little more that her other friends." This woman (who I thought was a friend actually laughed. Then she says: "I wish she HAD miscarried. She would have been upset for a few days and then life would be normal again! It's so sad that you don't realize that!"

I just looked at her in disbelief for a minute, bit my tongue and started to walk away. If it had been any other time I might have just let it go, but with Norma's due date and all, I couldn't. I turned and shot her a dirty look and hissed "I said I know I don't completely understand what she is going through. What's really sad is that people like you can't understand that a miscarriage is the loss of a child too. Just because I didn't get to hold my babies doesn't mean the pain goes away in a few days. And just so you know..... there is no such thing as 'back to normal' after a miscarriage!" I was able to stop myself though. A small part of me wanted to add that maybe the reason her daughter was in so much pain now was because she didn't EVER get any prenatal care, she drank and smoke pot through the entire pregnancy, and SHE STARTED a huge fist fight about a week before she went into labor. She ended up getting shoved away and fell really hard. Pushing her away was the only thing the girl who was getting the crap knocked out of her did to defend herself because she wouldn't hit a pregnant woman.

I wish this was an isolated incident, but I have heard so many more stories on here of people being just as cold and hateful towards other women who've had miscarriages.When are they going to realize that we hurt forever too?
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  #2  
April 16th, 2008, 08:01 AM
Wee3monkeys's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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That's awful! I'm am so impressed with you for keeping your cool with her, that would have been more than I could handle. I can completely commisserate. My entire family is like that, the whole 'it could have been worse, move on, etc'. That's why I'm here, there's no one IRL who understands how I feel ALL the time. And I don't find a word you said offensive.
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  #3  
April 16th, 2008, 08:19 AM
4iris's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh. My. Goodness. I'd have smacked the <insert word of choice> out of her!! Totally rude and uncalled for. I'm so sorry she said that to you and so proud of you for saying what you did. I know that took some incredible strength. I had some IRL friendships change after our losses, too. It's sad, but it happens. Some people will just never understand.

And there's no need to qualify your loss to us. Loss is loss, whenever it occurs and you have every right to be just as sad and hurt as a mom who lost her baby later on.

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  #4  
April 16th, 2008, 10:26 AM
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I am so sorry that someone you thought of as "friend" would do that to you!!!!! There was/is NO reason for such sorry, rude, and cold behavior like that.... I would have smacked the living **** out of her.. I can understand her hurting for her daughter.. but lashing out at you like that I can't...You are a better person that I am. You have EVERY right to grieve and mourn your lil ones and she should NOT try to demean that. Some people who has never had a loss just do not understand.. they think it should be easy to get over.. But it is not. I will keep u in my T&P

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  #5  
April 16th, 2008, 06:26 PM
srs srs is offline
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Quote:
And there's no need to qualify your loss to us. Loss is loss, whenever it occurs and you have every right to be just as sad and hurt as a mom who lost her baby later on.[/b]
Definitely. And good for you for saying something to her. As hard as it is, the only way people may change their opinions is if we share our stories.
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  #6  
April 17th, 2008, 09:35 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Oh goodness. I swear I am never used to how crass people can be. Who is ANYONE to measure YOUR pain???? Really? I do not ascribe to the belief that ANY loss at ANY time is necessarily easier or harder for a given person. We all process so differently -every situation is unique as is every person that experiences it. I can't say that loosing my husband would be easier than the mc's - I don't know that - I have never been through it - so I can't say. I can't say that MY mc is worse than someone else's pain over loosing their pet... It all depends. I know people that hardly bat an eye over a mc & others that are deeply & truly changed on a soul level. I know for me, I often had wished I would have had a later loss when I would be "allowed" to have a burial, a death certificate to "prove" my babies existed so that others would have to acknowledge it, that I would have seen their faces just once. I do not think that it would be easier...I just think I would have felt validated by having that in some way. Instead I have people act like I am a nut job for having a memorial garden. I have people treat me like I *thought* I was pg but my period came...seriously. I cannot tell you how many times I had women say to me (who had trouble conceiving & mind you none of these women had lots of trouble...they all conceived naturally in a normal time line, but it took a while) that they understood how I felt because "when they were TTC - every period felt like a mc." You'll have to forgive me for finding that an invalid statement - as I had TTC'd too - and my BFN months NEVER felt like a mc. NEVER. And I would challenge anyone that thought so to really think about what they are saying. Infertility is painful no doubt - but it is different & it isn't "like a mc" - it may be worse in some cases, where it goes on for years & years & you can end up grieving the loss of never conceiving, but TTC for 6 mos to a year is NOT like having a loss.

Anyway - I had a point in there somewhere & it is this...each person feels what they feel. By & large - you have the right to feel it - and other people have no business telling you how you should feel or how they would feel if it were them if they have never stood in those shoes. If they HAVE stood in those shoes, they still don't have a right to tell you how they would feel in such a way as to shame you or make you feel like it is what they expect out of you as well.

Heal on your own time line in your own way - it's the only thing that works anyway.

Kudos to you for not knocking her block off. These ladies are right - most of us would have really wanted to & some of us just might have done it.
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  #7  
April 18th, 2008, 01:00 AM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Kudos to you for not knocking her block off. These ladies are right - most of us would have really wanted to & some of us just might have done it. [/b]
I seriously thought about it. Had it been a year or so ago when I still had a bad temper and a very short fuse, I probably would have!
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  #8  
April 18th, 2008, 01:03 AM
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Opps! Double post!
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  #9  
April 20th, 2008, 12:32 AM
conley1988
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I can't believe that anyone would say that, but I have heard it myself. I remember my mom actually telling me I should be happy that I miscarried at 17 so I wouldn't have to deal with two kids. Of course because of what I said to her, which I could not repeat again in my life, she was there for everything and open minded afterwards following my other miscarriages. Its sad to know people can be so ignorant.
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