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  #1  
November 25th, 2008, 01:04 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,084
Well, here I am again !! Here is my story short but sweet. Some of you might remember me as Ally+2 when I was here in Jan. I lost twins at around 11 weeks after having three weeks of shear hell. With that loss I had all the typical symptoms-spotting, back ache, poor circultion, inconsisten numbers I went the med routine and was found to be back at zero after 4 months.
In May all was well, Oct had a big fat + test and could not have been happier. Numbers have been going up, nausea all morning, breasts hurt like hell, moody, sleeping like crap becuase I pee every 2 hours, even have a bit of a pot belly JUNE jelly bean here I come
My husband and I went in yesterday for the BIG ultrasound, 10 1/2 weeks!! I get on the table, my bladder is to full so I emptied alittle, picture is fuzzy "lets do a transvaginal"- sum it up "fetus is only 9 week and sorry there is no hertbeat"
WHy? What have I done so wrong again tht I can't make it past 10 weeks? I can't stop crying/yelling at the world because I feel pregnant, everything feels right this time. And then to top it off my older sister who is unmarried and 13 weeks pregnant is at my mothers for thanksgiving this year. Figures huh??
SOrry to rain on everyones Macy's parade but I am mad, sad, hurt, angry, hopeless and probably in shock!!
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  #2  
November 25th, 2008, 06:09 AM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. What you are feeling is completely normal. I want you to know it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. We all question ourselves from time to time, at least I did. (Sometimes I still do.) But we have to know, we didn't do anything wrong.

I'm sorry you will have to see your pregnant sister on Thanksgiving. Is it a possibility to switch and go to the in-laws?
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  #3  
November 25th, 2008, 02:57 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Ally - all of the emotions you are describing are very normal. I said things very similar after my second loss. In fact I spent a long time very very angry & hurt & confused. There is nothing you did to deserve this. I know the logical part of you must now that. This doesn't happen because someone "deserves" it...unfortunately it just seems to happen. It just sucks when you happen to be the one it is happening to. I am really sorry it is happening to you. I wish more than anything I could tell you why or what you can do to "fix it"...but I know I can't. I can tell you that you aren't alone and that we all are here for you. Be patient to yourself and loving with yourself while you try to come to grips with all of this & take small steps toward healing. I know feeling pg can make it all the harder right now too. Hopefully those feelings will subside soon so that you don't have that nagging reminder (not that you'd probably be able to forget anyway) - it just seems like it's rubbing salt in the wound.

Much love & feel free to vent or cry or rant as much as you need to. That is what we are here for!
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #4  
November 25th, 2008, 07:01 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 835
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Your feelings are completely normal - anger, grief, uncertainty, rage, insecurity, etc. . We are here for you if you need us. I found out about my third m/c the same as you - no heartbeat. It was devastating. Have you thought about having testing done?



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Me: 33
DH: 32

TTC 3/07
m/c - 7/29/07 (5w4d)
m/c - 10/8/07 (6w4d)
m/c - 2/27/08 (11w5d)
m/c - 6/20/08 (7w2d)
9/08 - IVF w/ PGD: Cycle cancelled, not enough mature follies
10/08 - IVF w/ PGD: Cycle cancelled, ovulated on my own
12/08 - IVF w/ PGD: BFP!
Owen Royce...born August 28, 2009

1/10 IVF w/ PGD: 1 egg fertilized, so no PGD
1/30/10 Transferred in one embryo
2/13/10 - BFP!
Georgia Elle...born October 15, 2010




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  #5  
November 26th, 2008, 05:10 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,084
Thank you everyone for your kind and understanding words. I met with my Ob yesterday and he feels the medication route would be best again. I am spotting on my own this morning but also running a 103.8 fever so I think my body is in mourning and needs to expel this sooner rather than later. (I was opting for a natural but he said that can take 4-6 days and with the fever this morning I don;t think it is healthy to wait.
As for the future and possible testing, we have decided that we are done. We are blessed with the 2 little ones that we have and a 4 1/2 yr old and 5 1/2 yr old keep me busy enough. My husband is planning on speaking to his GP about a vasectamy over Xmas break. (I don't want to every go through this again.)
Happy Thanksgiving to all and I hope that you all find the happiness that you deserve!!
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  #6  
November 26th, 2008, 05:23 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Ally - please call your Dr ASAP about the fever. That can be a dangerous situation if it is due to an infection. Most times it is unrelated - but no sense taking any chances. As far as trying again - don't worry about that right now. Many many women feel like they don't want to try again immediately following a loss, but those feelings sometimes change over time. I don't think thre is anything wrong with your Dh talking to his Dr about a vasectomy right now, particularly if that is something you had wanted done eventually anyway - just make sure you give it 6 months before he actually does it. It has happened many times with women on this board that they later decide they do want to try again & even if you don't, waiting 6 months is not a huge period of time just to be certain that is really what you want. Much love & best wishes!
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #7  
November 26th, 2008, 05:49 AM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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Beck said it all. Definitely get to your doctor. Also, I highly suggest waiting on the vasectomy. After my second loss, I never wanted to get pregnant again. I would even let him so much as touch me. Within two months I had changed my mind and wanted a baby really badly. Just give it a little time, just in case. I think Beck was right in suggesting six months.
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Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my siggy!
Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)
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  #8  
November 26th, 2008, 06:23 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Upstate SC
Posts: 4,443
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please get to the Dr with a fever that high don't take any chances.
Like Beck said grieve first then make up your mind. We all go through not wanting to try again right after a loss.
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  #9  
November 26th, 2008, 10:18 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,084
Thanks for everyone's concern. I just got back from the doctor and he thinks that on top of everything else I am sick. (Swollen glands, red throat, slight ear infection, 104 fever)
I inserted the m/c meds at 12:30 and am now just sitting here waiting for it all to begin. I am having some spots of blood and lower back pain so I guess that is the strt.
I thank god above that I have my girls or I would probably have drove my car into the first tree I saw last night. They are truly my saviors as I struggle through this difficult time, again.
Thanks for your kindness as well.
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  #10  
November 26th, 2008, 05:37 PM
Rina42308's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: CA
Posts: 2,991
I can totally relate to that feeling of just helplessness and wanting it to be over...I am grateful you have your daughters too to keep you here with us all. I am so sorry you are in so much pain physically and emotionally right now. As for your thoughts on pregnancy and a vasectomy, I just want to pass on some very wise words told to me...do not make decisions in the dark that you can make in light. I know if seems like forever away but "light" will come again. I promise.
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  #11  
November 26th, 2008, 10:43 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Your talk of wanting to drive into a tree really hit home. I truly have been there - some days it seems like a thousand days ago (thankfully) and other days I remember more clearly.... I had a time I was literally so lost in my grief that I went to my Dr because I was scaring myself by how out of touch I felt. One day while driving I saw a spider in my car (spiders don't bother me) and I got so distracted thinking about the spider crawling across my driver's side window I literally forgot I was driving...when I remembered I was on the wrong side of the road traveling way too fast - it scared me half to death. My Dr assured me that it was "normal" but I felt anything but normal - and it felt completely beyond my control to find my way back to the "light' like Norina spoke of. I also had a lot of anger & frustration & a million questions that all started with "why me". It can be tough if not impossible to hold on to any hope at times like these. It can also be incredibly difficult to ever believe that there will be a day that you will laugh again & mean it...from the bottom of your heart. It will happen - but gosh it seems to take a long time, at least for me it did. The one thing I can promise you though is that if you come here & post about what you are feeling & open up to let it all out - the women here can do amazing things to assist you in taking those steps so that you don't have to ever feel alone in it. So many times I came here typing through pouring tears I cannot even begin to count. Coming here gave me the love, the support, the validation & teh encouragement I needed to be able to do what I needed to do to get myself healthy again & on my way to healing. Also in the meantime - please remember how important it is to take care of yourself. You need to be taking a vitamin & resting as much as you can to help your body to recover from all it has been through too. You cannot feel better in your spirit if you are not treating your body well enough - one feeds from the other.

I really do hope you will stick around & let us do what we can to help ease the deep grief you are currently dealing with & to make sure you know that this may be a crap road to have to walk down - at least you can't ask for any better company than the ladies here & I can attest to that.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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