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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
November 27th, 2008, 05:23 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
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Well, it all over I finally passed the fetus around 11:45 last night after 4 straight hours of constant contractions. If anyone else ever has the choice do a D+C, this way was hell on earth.
My husband was great, holding my hand, cleaning me up/changing the sheets a dozen times as my high blood pressure and fever caused blood to run out of me. Th girls went to bed at 8 so they only saw the "Mom has a tummy ache" part and woke up to the "Mommy has a bad headache and tummy ache today so don't jump on the bed"
We are leaving for my mothers house in a few hours so I am hoping that will force me to take a shower, get real clothes on, and return to life as quickly as I can. I do not return to work for 4 days so I have plenty of time to get the bleeding under control and my emotional stbility back. (My husband is staying home the next 4 days as well, he is worried about hemmorging and me being alone with the kids and needing help. Sweet but not necessary, women M/C everyday and return to work the next day according to my OB. )
Well, I hope this is a new start to a better day, I feel ok for the most part just tired, sore, and icky but life will go on without me so I guess that it is time for me to sit back and realize how lucky I am to have the 2 kids that I do have and there are alot of others on JM that are on their 4,5,6 loss and still carrying on so why am I sinking into depression over a number 2 loss, if they can carry on so will I. Time heals all wounds, and if not a whole lot of drugs will, LOL.
Happy Thanksgiving, my new found friends- I just wish that we were meeting for different reasons.
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  #2  
November 27th, 2008, 08:52 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I'm so sorry sweetie. My natural m/c was no where near that bad, now I know if I ever run into the situation again to ask for the d&c.

Not a good way to start a holiday.. try and enjoy your self.. give your kids a hug!
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  #3  
November 27th, 2008, 10:17 AM
DawnN's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I am so so sorry. (((((huge hugs))))))) Please be gentle on yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. You have lost a child, and all the hopes and dreams that comes along with the expectation of pregnancy.
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Married 8/11/90 ~ Terry Bechor m/c'd 11/26/03, Thomas A. III m/c'd 7/15/04,
Sarah E. born 6/24/05, Tabitha Zipporah m/c'd 4/?/06, Theodore David m/c'd 8/27/06,
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  #4  
November 27th, 2008, 11:28 AM
miraceti's Avatar Veteran
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Hugs!
I am very sorry!
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  #5  
November 27th, 2008, 01:22 PM
esparando para bebé's Avatar Proud Car Seat Technician
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Oh, Ally! I'm so sorry you had such a rough night, sweetie. Like Ashley, my natural m/c wasn't nearly that bad. Again, I so sorry your night was so rough.

I agree with the others. Please, take time for yourself. Stop in here as often as you need and know that we are here for you.
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  #6  
November 27th, 2008, 03:56 PM
Mega Super Mommy
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I'm so sorry and your are in my prayers.

A loss is never easy the first few weeks are pure hell and torture. A mother should never have to lose a child and yet we do.
My first loss was like that, it has been 13 years and I remember it like yesterday. Take plenty of time to heal.
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  #7  
November 27th, 2008, 04:57 PM
TheyGrowLikeWeeds's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Hello Ally, I went through what you did...the medication induced m/c and it was pure hell. Like you, I was sick along with the experience. Go figure I also had a stomach ache on top of the contractions...I should not have had that Turkey sandwich . Well, needless to say, I wish I had chosen the D&C. I was just so afraid of what would happen, I chose the cytotec way. Ugh! I would not recommend that to anyone!!

Either way, you are very brave for what you went through. It's so hard to feel like your body is failing you. I too asked myself what was I doing wrong since all 6 of my miscarriages were 1st trimester miscarriages...two of which were near the second trimester. It really never does get any easier. Just remember, none of this is your fault. Miscarriages just happen. There really is nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome.

I had gone to my cousin's baby shower after a miscarriage of mine. It was the hardest thing for me to see her so happy and I had nothing but bad news. I was so happy for her, but I should not have gone. I just wasn't ready to be around in a happy, baby-focused party.

It seems like you and your DH have reached a mutual decision. I think it's good to know when you've had enough. You certainly tried your hardest! Right now, you just take your time to heal. Don't force yourself to get over it because your body will need time to heal both in the physical sense and emotional. This is also a good time to pamper yourself.

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I love my Peanut M&Ms Cameron & Kiefer!!Eliza's Blog
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  #8  
November 27th, 2008, 10:06 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Ally I am sorry this is such a hard process for you physically as well as emotionally. I do not know from personal experience about cytotec. I was offered something like it once, but wasn't comfortable so I just waited it out. I have had all of mc's naturally & some were easier physically than others - so I know it can be very very hard. I am just leery in general of D&C's as they can cause scarring - particularly if you end up needing more than one which has potential to create additional issues, including Asherman's syndrome. I also have known several women from JM & 1 IRL that needed additional D&C's after the fact for prolonged bleeding or even hemorrhage. D&C's have their own drawbacks too unfortunately, so it could have been difficult either way. I just tell you this so you don't have the idea that a D&C would have been so much "better" - as each is hard & we all wish we never had to deal with any of it. I think for all of us - we have things we "wish" would have been different - but in the end we truly just wish none of it happened at all.

I was also a teeny bit concerned to hear you say that your OB thinks women can mc & go back to work the next day. If your OB basically said that - please find another Ob hun. I was off a week for each of my losses & my Dr was more than clear that I should take a week to recoup physically & emotionally. I wish I could have taken at least 2 weeks actually. It is so tough to try to pull yourself together after a loss, sometimes for quite a while.

I just feel at a loss to explain to you that I really do know what a mix of emotions you are dealing with right now - so I went back to a post I made several years ago & pulled it up to share with you now. For the record & so you know...I list 4 angels in my siggie. I actually believe that I mc'd the day before Thanksgiving 2005 - but was in such a bad place emotionally following my 2nd mc that I refused to test & never was checked. My first loss, like yours was twins. The hardest mc for me though was absolutely my 2nd...not sure why it just was. They were all hard - but that one is the one that made me believe there was a chance there was something really wrong - and that it may never happen for me. I hope you don't think it is weird of me to share this old post - I just think you cannot really fake that kind of raw emotion & it expresses it much better than I could today.
Quote:
I have had a really weird day..sometimes ok - sometimes not. I have been doing pretty good - feeling a lot more anger than anything. But I am also incredibly sad. Some of my sadness & anger is truly about people not getting it - and it's true across the board - I have even known women that have had loss that don't get it - especially when it comes to repeat loss & how emotionally draining & truly painful it is emotionally & physically.

I am tired of being told what you do & don't feel about 1st trimester loss by those that haven't felt it - I am tired of those that chose to get pg again right away & went on to deliver healthy babies tell me how or what I feel. I have not cornered the market on pain - but I am entitled to truly be hurt - to know deep cutting, soul ripping pain even if all I ever had the chance to do was deliver a dead baby into a toilet & have to drag my baby out myself, wash this tiny baby off myself & put in a plastic bag and stick it in the refrigerator for them to do God knows what to it in some lab & have NOTHING left to show for it - no one else to care, no letters of condolence - no flowers at the door - no headstone - just some semblance of a memory garden that no one even cares about except me. I know my pain is raw right now - but I have felt this even before with my other losses. People give NO respect to the loss. I can understand that maybe others thought that it would be easier for them than it has been for me - if that's true for them, kudos - but that isn't where I am. My only consolation is at this point no one tries to really say - "Oh you'll have another" - they just tell me I'll be a mom someday & 90% of them mean adoption & I realize that even when they are subtle enough not to say it.

I know that I will survive this. I do somewhere in me still see hope. I just am tired of feeling like I constantly have to explain myself or defend my right to be feeling REAL pain, not some trumped up "feel sorry for myself" pain - but the broken heart that comes with loosing babies. I loved my babies - I still do. Right now my whole body is aching to feel pg again. I hate my breasts for not being sore, I hate my belly for being soft again, I hate it all. I miss having life inside of me - I miss watching what I eat, I am sad to be taking Motrin & having caffeine....I just want to be a mom & I want others to see that I am - at least in my heart & in heaven. I held a baby in my hand - too small for hospital footprints, for photographs, too small for my squeamish husband to be able to handle seeing, which is it's own kind of pain - to know anyone else looking would most likely be appalled - but I wanted to kiss this baby, my baby - and I was afraid as I had to pull this little body from the toilet - I didn't think I should, so I only kissed the bag I placed this tiny baby in.

That is the reality of "pregnancy loss". I didn't "loose a pregnancy" really because in so many minds that conjures up some nameless, faceless, loss you felt rather than truly experienced - I gave birth way too early to a baby too small to have any chance. I don't know exactly when this angel passed in my body, but I will forever remember washing & drying this tiny body - loving this baby that never had a chance, & I will challenge anyone to tell me how I should just "keep a good attitude & outlook" to really think about the totality if it. I don't want anyone's sympathy - I truly don't. I want respect, for the scars I have & the pain I carry. I want to be allowed to speak about my babies - because they are real - they existed - and because I deserve to have at least that much for what I have endured. I will be ok, just not today. I will laugh again & find a way to get my feet back on the ground.

I am claiming my pain & my place to stand for myself. I have let others offend & hurt me with thoughtless comments & will do so no more. I accept what I have lost - and I will expect others to do so as well - or to stay away from me. There are a certain number of things I must tolerate & endure as part of this pain - but ignorance isn't one of them.

Thank you for hearing me out - if you have read this far - I am sorry there is no prize other than my gratitude in your having enough respect for me to listen. I just need to get some stuff off my chest.[/b]
Much love sweetie - I truly am so sorry you are hurting so deeply right now.
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  #9  
November 28th, 2008, 06:19 AM
TheyGrowLikeWeeds's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Beckie, I think that was the hardest thing I ever read. It just shows that your pain is truly yours and is a pain only you can truly understand and survive. It's true, so many people say things that are hurtful no matter how good intentioned their comments are, but only you can know how you feel during this horrible event. What I'm saying is, it's personal. I too have had people tell me that I'll get my chance one day, but the comments that hurt me the most were,"why don't you have any children yet?" and "Well, there's always adoption." or even things like, "I had a miscarriage in my second trimester. Now those are hard! At least yours was early." All I can say in return is "Thank you." or just smile politely even though I felt like ripping their heads off for the insensitivity they show. I understand how people don't mean to be hurtful, but if they had been in my shoes...or yours, or anyone else's that has been through similar situations, maybe they'd feel what we have felt. It is also true that those that have been through it believe they know better and can tell someone else that what they feel will go away. That is not fair and a lie to most people, even to themselves, because the pain does not go away. It does not go away, but may be more easily managed would be a better way to say it. For me, the anger from loosing my babies made me more determined to accomplish what I wanted. That is how I handled it. I would have no right to tell anyone that that is how it should be for them. I do tell people my journey to remind them that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, but I certainly won't tell them how to get there.

You were very brave for going through what you did. I don't know if I could have handled such a horrifying situation like that. It's bad enough having the miscarriage, but to see your baby in the toilet like that must have been one of the hardest things anyone has had to go through. I feel for those that have been through that and still borns as well.
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I love my Peanut M&Ms Cameron & Kiefer!!Eliza's Blog
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