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Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
December 4th, 2008, 02:34 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
have known something before you started into having losses - what do you wish you could have known?

To better explain - I will tell you mine....
Of course it would have been nice to know that eventually I would have a successful pg - but there are other things that I think probably would have even helped more honestly. I wish I would have known that the way I feel "today" isn't the way I will always feel. While I was mcing the 2nd time it was horrible - but then I felt better after (like the next few days) & I actually thought since I had "been through it before" that I knew what I would feel like & what the process would entail emotionally.....I couldn't have been more wrong. I actually found myself telling others I was "fine" in the days & even weeks following only to be embarrassed when it all came crashing in & I hit total bottom (and people were totally confused as to what my "problem" was suddenly). I really had completely believed it would be easier that time for some reason - I was just wrong. I also wish at that point that I would have been able to know & believe that even if I never was able to get pg & have a healthy baby - that it WOULD still be better someday & I would laugh again & mean it. I wish I would have known to be more patient - truly patient with my healing and all of the things I needed to work through in order to find some peace, rather than wanting to think I was "better" every time I had a good day & thinking I was "pathetically stuck" every time I had a bad day. I wish I would have just known to relax, go with the flow & feel whatever it is I am feeling at the time & accept all of those feelings as they came. I wish I would have been able to realize at that time what a gift it is to be pg even if it is brief & full of heartache - that those days & weeks you get to be pg & spend with that baby are precious & special & someday you will likely be able to cherish that - despite the pain. I just wish I could have known a lot of things - I think it would have eased a lot of my frustrations, anger, confusion, etc........
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B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #2  
December 4th, 2008, 03:31 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 129
I guess I'm still too fresh from miscarrying to have much perspective yet but I really can relate to what you just wrote. I have never been able to just relax and go with the flow and, what I'm learning is that I need to learn to because life demands it. I always rush to define everything or put everything into a schedule or timeline but life does not work out that way and no matter how many times my plans are broken, I've always made new plans right away. I thought that was being strong and bouncing back but it is also exhausting. Maybe I just need to have NO plan for a little while. Wow, that's a scary thought.

Thanks for this thread. I look forward to reading more responses.
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  #3  
December 5th, 2008, 07:04 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 1,041
I have to admit that I feel like both of you: life will go on someday and it just happened a week ago and the tears haven't stopped yet-to soon to wonder anything
If I could know one thing it would be will I get through this without ruining my marrige It seems like after the 1st loss in 2002, we were both so focused to get pregnant again we never grieved just moved on and got pregnant again. 2nd time with the twins in Jan 2008 DH had a hard time dealing with it because he was so much more involved (went to appts, heard HB, wanted to shop for his "boys") so I had to be the strong one and pick him up This time 3rd time (last week) I am crying non stop and he is acting like nothing has happened. He was great the first 3 days afterwards and now is like "when is dinner, are the kids bathed, did you pay the bills, when do you want to X-mas shop?" How do you move forward as a couple? The thought of him touching me ever again makes me heartsick, I don't ever want to get pregnant again and what if he had super sperms again? (He told me last night he cancelled the GP appt for the vasectomy, "I don't want to act irrationally")
I am sure tht every couple grieves differently together or apart and this too shall pass but when and at what cost.
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  #4  
December 5th, 2008, 03:14 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Quote:
I have to admit that I feel like both of you: life will go on someday and it just happened a week ago and the tears haven't stopped yet-to soon to wonder anything
If I could know one thing it would be will I get through this without ruining my marrige It seems like after the 1st loss in 2002, we were both so focused to get pregnant again we never grieved just moved on and got pregnant again. 2nd time with the twins in Jan 2008 DH had a hard time dealing with it because he was so much more involved (went to appts, heard HB, wanted to shop for his "boys") so I had to be the strong one and pick him up This time 3rd time (last week) I am crying non stop and he is acting like nothing has happened. He was great the first 3 days afterwards and now is like "when is dinner, are the kids bathed, did you pay the bills, when do you want to X-mas shop?" How do you move forward as a couple? The thought of him touching me ever again makes me heartsick, I don't ever want to get pregnant again and what if he had super sperms again? (He told me last night he cancelled the GP appt for the vasectomy, "I don't want to act irrationally")
I am sure tht every couple grieves differently together or apart and this too shall pass but when and at what cost. [/b]
I think it is very very normal for your marriage to struggle through times like this. Over the time I have been here I have seen it numerous times, but the fact is - MOST marriages DO make it. My marriage struggled through our losses. I was so angry by the lack of support I felt & lack of emotion he seemed to have over it. It's tough for men though. Men want to be able to "fix" things & this is totally beyond their control. Men want to be able to comfort us & they often feel helpless to be able to say or do anything to ease our pain & even sometimes they get angry with us for still being sad despite all of their best efforts - it's really just a sign of their frustration at the situation & that despite their efforts - they don't seem to be able to help. Try to be patient with him. I know that can be hard. Especially when you feel like they should be the ones trying extra hard, not you (and in a perfect world that IS how it should be). The truth is that he probably doesn't know what you need. I know for me, half the time I couldn't even articulate to Dh what it was that I wanted or needed - so how could I expect him to know? I also eventually learned to appreciate that Dh wasn't as emotionally vested as I was....if he was I think our entire life would have caved in - I was able to function & when I was able to tell him that I NEEDED him to take over some things (like handling the bills) and he did it - it helped me to be able to not feel so much stress & helped him to feel like there was some ways he could help. If you haven't already, maybe you could try setting him down with a list of things you do need from him, like help with house, paying bills, time to be alone & cry, etc, etc, etc. Also tell him how you value his love & support at a time when you feel broken, vulnerable & alone. It will help that "knight in shining" armor wake up a bit & realize he CAN be your hero - even if it isn't a "quick fix". I know my Dh got better at this with each loss, as he better understood what I wanted & needed...and I understood more as well & better knew what to ask him for.

I wish you all teh best & please come here to talk about anything you need to - we do understand & we aren't all married to prince charming.
__________________
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #5  
December 5th, 2008, 08:33 PM
ShannonMVT's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 10,874
Quote:
I wish I would have known that the way I feel "today" isn't the way I will always feel.[/b]
I remember my mother telling me that she knew I must feel awful, but to remember that it wouldn't always hurt that badly. And of course she was right. It doesn't hurt in that all encompassing way that it once did.

I think I would have liked to have know that I couldn't expect my Dh to react the way that I wanted him to or even the way that I needed him to at times.
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