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  #1  
December 10th, 2008, 08:00 AM
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It's been a little while since we've had a thread like this.

Where are you in your grief? How are you handling the holidays? If this is your first holiday season without your angel, are you handling it better or worse than you expected? If it's not your first holiday season, it this year any easier? Why or why not?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm doing ok with my grief, I guess. I seem to be having a lot of "moments." I think working retail (in a mall, even) is making it even harder on me. I see the Christmas dresses, and people coming in for pictures, and kids going to see Santa, and it hurts. I want to be doing all those things this year.

This is my first Christmas without Gwen and my second without Dominic. I think this year is definitely harder. Last year I got engaged on Christmas Eve and I was two months pregnant. Dominic's loss really didn't hit home until I lost Gwen.
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  #2  
December 10th, 2008, 08:48 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I'm actually doing remarkably well this year. I don't know why I'm handling it so well, but I figure I'll lose it after church on Christmas Eve, I did the first year. But I'll be able to be close to my family, and that will make this year much better for me.

I dunno, over all I'm so much better than I was earlier in the year. I think I've finally found my peace.
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Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

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  #3  
December 10th, 2008, 08:52 AM
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Quote:
I'm actually doing remarkably well this year. I don't know why I'm handling it so well, but I figure I'll lose it after church on Christmas Eve, I did the first year. But I'll be able to be close to my family, and that will make this year much better for me.

I dunno, over all I'm so much better than I was earlier in the year. I think I've finally found my peace.[/b]

That's great, Ashley. I look forward to being able to say I've found my peace. There are weeks where I do great, but then it hits like a bomb...Maybe by this time next year?
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  #4  
December 10th, 2008, 10:48 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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This is my 3rd Xmas with out the boys, my First with out mattie. I do plan on packing their angels and their candle to take home with me regardless on how I feel now.

But it took me a 3 full years to feel better about the twins loss, I think mattie's was faster because of the huge difference in her loss.

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Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew&Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel|&Dee 01/19/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
Hope 07/22/2012@4w1d, Konnor 11/24/2012@3w6d,"Emmy"1/15/2013@ 3w6d, Ronen 02/10/2013@3w5d, Joy 07/19/2013@3w6d, "Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d

Me: Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, PCOS, Insulin resistant
175mcg Synthyroid, 1500mg Metformin
Him: MFI low count, low morphology, low motillity
Seeing MFI specialist/RE in 2015
Attempting vitamins for remainder of 2014
Weight loss goal #1 - 10% body weight 23.4lbs - accomplished July 13 2014
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  #5  
December 11th, 2008, 05:07 PM
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I think it depends. Right now we are in the middle of a thus-far successful IVF cycle - no baby confirmation yet, but we were able to implant two healthy embryos into me. That is further than we have been with our last two IVF cycles. I have new hope again. During the two previous cancled IVF cycles (Aug - Nov) it really depended on the day. One day I would be fine. The next day I would be unable to stop crying. I could be having a great day and see a pg friend and immediatly sink into depression.

I am ok with the holidays so far because I live out of town and away from my fam. I am feeling hopeful right now, but I am also sheltering myself. This sounds awful, but I took down all the photos of my nieces and nephews in my house. It's just too much to see my brother and sister in their smiling faces and wonder if I will ever be able to have a child of our own, where we will see characteristics of me and DH. I have also decided to not hang up all the Christmas cards we get from our friends with their kids. Again, it's too much of a reminder of what we don't have. I also avoid my pregnant friends because I don't want to see their blossoming bellies because I know I'll begin to cry.

I am ok with the holiday for now but I am worried about going home to spend time with both our families. My DH's brother and his wife just had their first baby in April (six weeks after the DD of our first baby, and six weeks before the DD our of 2nd baby). It's really hard to be around them because I can't help but think that is where we should be. It's also really hard because this is the first grandchild. And everyone dotes excessively over the child and I feel like an outsider, looking in on happy memories that I wish were ours. I can't help but tear up when I see how happy everyone is and I feel like I'm dying inside. I am hoping we miss my big family gathering on my side of the family. There's going to be tons of kids there and everyone is going to be having a great time. I can't help but get nervously anxious that people are going to start asking us questions "how are you doing, anything new, keep trying, and finally once their pity wears off "oh let me tell you about my kids!." I'm sorry, but I don't want to answer questions like that when I haven't seen or talked to some of them in months. And I don't want to hear how great and wonderful you life has been with your children. I feel like everyone's laughing and having a great time and and here we are. Silently crying. I know that's not the way it really is, but I can't help feeling that way.
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Me: 33
DH: 32

TTC 3/07
m/c - 7/29/07 (5w4d)
m/c - 10/8/07 (6w4d)
m/c - 2/27/08 (11w5d)
m/c - 6/20/08 (7w2d)
9/08 - IVF w/ PGD: Cycle cancelled, not enough mature follies
10/08 - IVF w/ PGD: Cycle cancelled, ovulated on my own
12/08 - IVF w/ PGD: BFP!
Owen Royce...born August 28, 2009

1/10 IVF w/ PGD: 1 egg fertilized, so no PGD
1/30/10 Transferred in one embryo
2/13/10 - BFP!
Georgia Elle...born October 15, 2010




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  #6  
December 11th, 2008, 05:56 PM
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Quote:
I think it depends. Right now we are in the middle of a thus-far successful IVF cycle - no baby confirmation yet, but we were able to implant two healthy embryos into me. That is further than we have been with our last two IVF cycles. I have new hope again. During the two previous cancled IVF cycles (Aug - Nov) it really depended on the day. One day I would be fine. The next day I would be unable to stop crying. I could be having a great day and see a pg friend and immediatly sink into depression.

I am ok with the holidays so far because I live out of town and away from my fam. I am feeling hopeful right now, but I am also sheltering myself. This sounds awful, but I took down all the photos of my nieces and nephews in my house. It's just too much to see my brother and sister in their smiling faces and wonder if I will ever be able to have a child of our own, where we will see characteristics of me and DH. I have also decided to not hang up all the Christmas cards we get from our friends with their kids. Again, it's too much of a reminder of what we don't have. I also avoid my pregnant friends because I don't want to see their blossoming bellies because I know I'll begin to cry.

I am ok with the holiday for now but I am worried about going home to spend time with both our families. My DH's brother and his wife just had their first baby in April (six weeks after the DD of our first baby, and six weeks before the DD our of 2nd baby). It's really hard to be around them because I can't help but think that is where we should be. It's also really hard because this is the first grandchild. And everyone dotes excessively over the child and I feel like an outsider, looking in on happy memories that I wish were ours. I can't help but tear up when I see how happy everyone is and I feel like I'm dying inside. I am hoping we miss my big family gathering on my side of the family. There's going to be tons of kids there and everyone is going to be having a great time. I can't help but get nervously anxious that people are going to start asking us questions "how are you doing, anything new, keep trying, and finally once their pity wears off "oh let me tell you about my kids!." I'm sorry, but I don't want to answer questions like that when I haven't seen or talked to some of them in months. And I don't want to hear how great and wonderful you life has been with your children. I feel like everyone's laughing and having a great time and and here we are. Silently crying. I know that's not the way it really is, but I can't help feeling that way.[/b]
I completely understand. Every year we go watch my niece and nephew open their gifts. I really worry about that this year. I'd hate to not go; they don't understand; but I know I'll be sitting there thinking "my kids should be doing that." Dominic would be almost 15 months this Christmas. It's still hard to believe that he's not here.
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Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
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  #7  
December 18th, 2008, 10:15 AM
SoCaliMommy
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Doing better it's been 3yrs since my 2 back to back m/c's, it also helped that i ended up waiting 1 cycle after my last m/c and ended up getting pregnant with my son, but since having him i'm dealing with Secondary IF again and have had 1 possible chemical pregnancy in April08.

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  #8  
December 18th, 2008, 01:00 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
Quote:
I think it depends. Right now we are in the middle of a thus-far successful IVF cycle - no baby confirmation yet, but we were able to implant two healthy embryos into me. That is further than we have been with our last two IVF cycles. I have new hope again. During the two previous cancled IVF cycles (Aug - Nov) it really depended on the day. One day I would be fine. The next day I would be unable to stop crying. I could be having a great day and see a pg friend and immediatly sink into depression.

I am ok with the holidays so far because I live out of town and away from my fam. I am feeling hopeful right now, but I am also sheltering myself. This sounds awful, but I took down all the photos of my nieces and nephews in my house. It's just too much to see my brother and sister in their smiling faces and wonder if I will ever be able to have a child of our own, where we will see characteristics of me and DH. I have also decided to not hang up all the Christmas cards we get from our friends with their kids. Again, it's too much of a reminder of what we don't have. I also avoid my pregnant friends because I don't want to see their blossoming bellies because I know I'll begin to cry.

I am ok with the holiday for now but I am worried about going home to spend time with both our families. My DH's brother and his wife just had their first baby in April (six weeks after the DD of our first baby, and six weeks before the DD our of 2nd baby). It's really hard to be around them because I can't help but think that is where we should be. It's also really hard because this is the first grandchild. And everyone dotes excessively over the child and I feel like an outsider, looking in on happy memories that I wish were ours. I can't help but tear up when I see how happy everyone is and I feel like I'm dying inside. I am hoping we miss my big family gathering on my side of the family. There's going to be tons of kids there and everyone is going to be having a great time. I can't help but get nervously anxious that people are going to start asking us questions "how are you doing, anything new, keep trying, and finally once their pity wears off "oh let me tell you about my kids!." I'm sorry, but I don't want to answer questions like that when I haven't seen or talked to some of them in months. And I don't want to hear how great and wonderful you life has been with your children. I feel like everyone's laughing and having a great time and and here we are. Silently crying. I know that's not the way it really is, but I can't help feeling that way.[/b]
Nicole, I so relate to your post. I vividly remember the fiasco at Xmas 2005 when I was hurting so deeply & everyone in my family seemed to be pg or with new babies. It was so very hard. Even worse I felt so pressured by everyone (and they felt they meant well) to participate in the parties & frankly I just was not in a good place & should have listened to my gut & stayed home. I will look later to see if I can find my story from then - it was seriously one of the most painful days I ever had, for many reasons. Even when I was pg with DS - it was a difficult Xmas. I was so far from feeling like I should be excited - since I was scared to believe it would be okay & I dreaded the Xmas parties with everyone wanting to talk happily about the baby as if nothing ever happened (or worse yet wanting to touch all over me) & acting like I was morbid for not being as upbeat & excited as they seemed to be. I still hate the parties - even now with DS - last year my uncle had the nerve to touch my tummy & ask me if I had another one on the way. That was great for my self esteem. Anyway - I think it is totally normal to feel how you feel about it. I know that you feel bad for feeling that way too - you're just too sweet. I was a B**** and really didn't feel guilty (at least that I remember) for my feelings about it - because I do think you are entitled to feel that way. You have been through the ringer & it takes a while to get your feet back under you. As it's been said here many times, this isn't anything you get over - it is something you get through & learn to live with & hopefully eventually learn to feel whole again - even if you never are the same.

Much love & when I get a chance I will dig up that old rant I had over my Xmas party.

Take care!
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We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters. ~Gloria Steinem

If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune. ~Graycie Harmon
Don't wait to make your son a great man - make him a great boy. ~Author Unknown
You don't raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes. ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.
A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. ~Irish Proverb
Mother's love is peace. It need not be acquired, it need not be deserved. ~Erich Fromm
Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it. - Harold Hulbert
Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ~William Makepeace Thackeray
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers. ~Jewish Proverb
The best conversations with mothers always take place in silence, when only the heart speaks. ~Carrie Latet




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  #9  
December 20th, 2008, 12:20 AM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
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Location: Christchurch, NZ
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I am sorry I don't post here as much as I should do....

Things are actually really good for me, particularly as far as my losses go - thank goodness. I finally feel like I've healed from my ectopic pregnancy, which was the main loss that was getting me down all this year... it's nice to not have it on my mind so much. Christmas always brings 'things' up for me, but I know that it won't be too bad - nothing I can't handle. I do find it sad having a good family time - and knowing that there are other children who *should* be there.

Christmas Eve will be a year since I found out I was last pregnant (m/c January 6), but that loss didn't effect me as much as my others (still feels bad saying that), so hopefully it won't cause any sorrow for me.. but if it does, I know it's just a natural part of it all...
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  #10  
December 20th, 2008, 03:27 PM
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I'm good. I have come to the acceptance stage of the grief process and some days I don't feel sad. I feel sad for others, knowing what they are feeling and what they are going through but for myself and my losses I don't. It's been over 15 years since my first loss and over 3 since my last so it's been a long bumpy road to get where I am today but I wouldn't change my journey to the peaceful place I am in today.
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  #11  
December 24th, 2008, 05:27 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 941
Where are you in your grief? ROCK BOTTEM I have hit the absolutely pissed at the world stage as of the last 3 days. (Screaming, crying, edgy, throwing things, road rage, sitting and watching my 2 little ones sleep for hours at night softly crying for the 4 that didn't make it)
I am not sure when or where it came from. Maybe from having to head to my mother's today to see my family which includes my unmarried sister who is 18 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child from a 3rd man. I love her but she really didn't plan to have anymore and then god gives her another chance. I want to be huge- I want to have heartburn, be gassy


How are you handling the holidays? I am handling it all fine, we put up a tree, all the presents are brought and wrapped- I even brought a baby blanket for each of my losses and took them to the Salv Army to be given to a new baby that is brought there this season. I guess that in some ways I am numb to the fact that it is the holidays without them

If this is your first holiday season without your angel, are you handling it better or worse than you expected? I feel like I am doing ok, I haven't killed anyone. But I guess that I handling it a bit worse than others want me to- my husband has informed me that he is not paying the roadrunner after Jan because he feels that JM is prolonging the griefing process. I am devastated, I don't post daily even weekly but I check in, I read what others are doing/feeling and I know that what I am doing/feeling is normal. That is what I had asked for this Xmas- him to reconsider, I got a washing machine instead

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