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Coming out of denial


Forum: Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss

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  #1  
December 31st, 2008, 08:17 AM
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As most of you know, yesterday I snapped out of my insanely long phase of denial surrounding the loss of my third child; making yesterday an extremely difficult day.

I feel so alone in dealing this time. Chris refuses to believe I was even pregnant. I have no clue how to make him see what I know in my heart. Last night, on our way home, we were talking about it. He told me "I want to be supportive, but I don't think you were. I know I'm not making it easier; if anything I'm making it harder on you. I just don't know what to do." Girls, I seriously just wanted to scream that he could trust my motherly instincts and that I KNOW my body! Instead, I just sat there fighting back tears.

I've been through this three times now. I know the stages I'll go through, and that it's "normal." In a way, I'm used to it by now. That's what sucks. Nobody should EVER be used to having there babies die.

I had to work yesterday, in the children's department. I swear, there were pregnant women everywhere! It was so hard to not start bawling out on the floor. Can you believe I actually made it until I got home and was PMing Brittanie before I lost it?

I know there was nothing I could have done different with this loss. However, losing this last baby has brought back the guilt I initially felt with the other two. With Dominic, I was on birth control. I didn't know I was pregnant until I was losing him. I blame myself. If I hadn't taken the bcp, maybe I'd have him here in my arms today. Then there's Gwendolyn. I wish I'd known then what I know now. I had trouble getting a BFP on a home test. I didn't know that both my mom and grandmother have had the same problem with their pregnancies. I didn't think a doctor would see me without that HPT (especially since I had experienced a tiny bit of spotting), so I didn't even call. I knew I was; I was showing by the time I lost her. I had said, if we can't get a BFP this month, I'll call anyway. I didn't get that chance. I lost her a week before I'd planned on calling the doctor. I truly blame myself. Maybe if I'd talked to mom about it (she had no clue I was pregnant); or if I'd just called the doctor...I'll never know for sure.

Now, I have had three consecutive losses. I don't have insurance, so I can't just go to the doctor. I worry that even when I do get insurance, the doctors won't even be willing to do anything since I don't have tangible proof for them that I was ever pregnant. All three of my miscarriages happened at home. I didn't go to the ER. I did go to a doctor after I lost Gwen. However, it was several weeks after the loss and the doctor was horrid. They did a urine test and a cervical check and that was it. I did not know what to expect, and though it seemed like more should have been done, I didn't know enough to demand it. Of course, the urine test was negative. And even though I was still having contractions, they said my cervix was closed and sent me along my way.

I just don't know what to do. I feel so alone and feel like I have no one IRL to turn to. Chris has been my rock through the first two losses. Without him this time, I feel so lost...
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  #2  
December 31st, 2008, 10:46 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Even though I do have you on msn right now, I'm going to post this here. I've always gone through my losses with out the support of my SO's. It's rough, because all you want is for him to hold you and tell you that he's sorry it happened that he loves you and the baby that you've lost. Men deal with it different.

A doctor once told me that cycles don't change with out a reason, each period should be the same as the one before unless there's something affecting it. For me, my early losses/chemicals my periods were drier. They were heavy, but they were mostly drier clots and very brown vs red. My doctors were always able to get a faint bfp via urine and a bfp via blood tests, followed by a bfn. For me they are easier to accept, I don't know why.

I'd love to say Chris will come around, but with out a test to show him and prove it, he may not. It sucks that you have no insurance.... since you've had 3 natural losses, you may benifit from a preventative D&C to clear all the "junk out" and start a fresh!

HUGS hun. I'm around when ever ya need me. If I'm not on msn, I'm always on JM at work!
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Me: Hashi's, PCOS, Insulin resistant, Multiple miscarriages
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  #3  
December 31st, 2008, 01:49 PM
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Hugs. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Losing a baby is such a horrible thing to go through and it's even worse when you don't have the support of your SO or family. You know in your heart you were pregnant and that's all that matters. You don't always need a test to confirm that. I've know everytime too, long before I ever received confirmation.

You mentioned you don't have insurance, which makes TTC after RPL even harder, but have you considered having tests done? Of course, they can't always find a reason for RPL but it's worth it if they do find something wrong.

My heart is breaking for you. Try to do something for yourself today. Read a book, get a pedicure, take a long walk. You deserve to do something nice for yourself.

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TTC 3/07
m/c - 7/29/07 (5w4d)
m/c - 10/8/07 (6w4d)
m/c - 2/27/08 (11w5d)
m/c - 6/20/08 (7w2d)
9/08 - IVF w/ PGD: Cycle cancelled, not enough mature follies
10/08 - IVF w/ PGD: Cycle cancelled, ovulated on my own
12/08 - IVF w/ PGD: BFP!
Owen Royce...born August 28, 2009

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  #4  
December 31st, 2008, 02:08 PM
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Quote:
Hugs. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Losing a baby is such a horrible thing to go through and it's even worse when you don't have the support of your SO or family. You know in your heart you were pregnant and that's all that matters. You don't always need a test to confirm that. I've know everytime too, long before I ever received confirmation.

You mentioned you don't have insurance, which makes TTC after RPL even harder, but have you considered having tests done? Of course, they can't always find a reason for RPL but it's worth it if they do find something wrong.

My heart is breaking for you. Try to do something for yourself today. Read a book, get a pedicure, take a long walk. You deserve to do something nice for yourself.

[/b]
Thanks hun. I just finished making chex mix and we have a friend coming over shortly to ring in the new year. I would love to try to find out if there was something medically wrong, but right now we just can't afford it. We're even on a break from ttc until after the wedding (I'll have great health insurance then). I did tell mom today, though she didn't say much...usually she's great at making me feel better.

Honestly it wouldn't surprise me if I had something wrong medically. My grandmother had several losses and my mother had a miscarriage as well. My brother was an extreme preemie that only lived two days. My sister and I were also both preemies. (My sister stayed in the hospital for a month before coming home.)

Once I get put on his policy, I plan on going to the doctor and telling them about my losses and that we want to ttc asap. Hopefully, the doctor will be receptive and willing to help.
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  #5  
December 31st, 2008, 10:12 PM
DawnN's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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(((huge hugs)))) I would definitely request blood work done as soon as your insurance kicks in. Perhaps you can get a referral started for a Reproductive endocrinologist as sometimes it can take awhile to get in. Just ask for you appt. to be after you get insurance. I've never had to "prove" my losses to any of my doctors...even though most of my m/c's were documented, one wasn't (and I'm not even sure that my doctor's even have those records as I moved to two different states).

TMI coming...With my first loss, I didn't know I was pg. either. I had told my former gyn that I was spotting before my cycle was due. He just said, "I want you to go on these bcp's for 2-3 months. It will straighten your cycles out." He never tested me and being that I hadn't ever been pg. before, I never knew about implantation spotting. So I went on the pill and within a week started bleeding heavy. So heavy that I was soaking an overnight pad ever hour (even less than an hour at times). Three weeks later, I went through labor (heavy cramping) and passed a huge fleshy clot. I just "knew" that I had m/c'd our first child. Dh didn't accept that at first. In fact, it wasn't until our 2nd m/c that I think he finally realized that I did indeed "know". We had suffered 13 years of infertility, so he had reason to doubt, I guess. Anyways, I ended up with an emergency d&c because of hemorraging. The gyn actually told my dh (before me) that my cervix was completely dialated and my uterus was enlarged like someone who was pg. or had recently been. But even then, dh was like, "oh don't tell my wife that, she'll freak." The doctor did tell me, though, and it only confirmed what I already knew. I still wonder if I had only studied up or read online or something, if I had only known...could I have prevented the m/c? I continued taking the pills even though I was heavily bleeding. I did try to call the dr's office, but I only got the same message, "the doctor wants you to stay on them for 2-3 months. It WILL straighten you out." But what if I had stopped them. I understand the "what if's", hon. You just can't go there! ((((hugs))))
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Sarah E. born 6/24/05, Tabitha Zipporah m/c'd 4/?/06, Theodore David m/c'd 8/27/06,
Taylor Lynn m/c'd 2/07/07, Benjamin E. born 3/25/08, Catherine A. born 6/03/09


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  #6  
January 1st, 2009, 06:35 AM
LisaB's Avatar Mom to twins + 1
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(((((HUGS))))) I wish I knew what to say. Maybe Chris is feeling badly too, and that's why he is in denial. My husband is that way. We don't talk about our losses. I know they affect him, too, but his way of dealing with it is very different than mine & talking about it (at least for more than 30 seconds) is not one of them. About not having insurance, I know how tough it is believe me. Though we have insurance, our IVF and before that, diagnostic tx to find out what the issue/issues were, weren't covered so it was all out of pocket. It is ridiculous that most insurance companies don't consider TTC an actual medical condition so should you have issues with fertility and need IVF it's not covered. Additionally if you want infertility coverage the premiums are so prohibitive. Is parenthood supposed to be a privilege just for the rich??

Anyway. I know infertility just SUCKS. There is little in life that sucks more, in my opinion. What especially sucks is that no one understands what it's like unless they've been through it themselves. Even then, it affects some people differently than others. So not only are we infertile, we feel different, misunderstood and totally alone. Singled out for bad things to happen to us. I remember all too well the week I lost first my grandmother, second my 3rd baby, and third a stray kitten I was trying to rescue, one right after another. It was all I could do to go on. If it hadn't been for this board & the amazing ladies here I don't know what I would have done!

The only thing that really helped was knowing my babies - all 6 of them now - were loved unconditionally while they were here on this earth, if only for a brief moment. Maybe that's all they wanted was to feel that love, then go back to Heaven. At least that's how I like to think of it, to think I made my babies happy while they were here.

Hugs again. Sorry I am not any help but you are not alone.
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8/5/08 Beautiful twin girls Leigh and Lucy born after 4-year struggle with RPL & 6 losses
12/10/09 Surprise! Baby #3 is on the way, EDD 6/22/10

12/29/09 2nd ultrasound - joining team blue

6/16/10 Baby Ben is born!


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  #7  
January 1st, 2009, 07:36 AM
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I know for men it is a lot harder to recognize pregnancy unless they see something. They are very visual and with no test he probably can't wrap his mind around the possibility. Also don't beat yourself up about not taking a test when you thought you were pg. It sounds like with your history of not getting a BFP on a urine test that you might have not gotten one anyway. I have a friend who doens't get them until about 8w with each of her pregnancies so I would imagine if it happened that way for you once it would happen again. You know in your heart you were pg and that is all that matters. It is sad that you get used to how your body reacts when you lose a baby. I think that is why I keep imagining that I go tomorrow for my u.s and see the same empty sac with no HB...because that is all I know. I don't know any different.

I think it is a good idea once your insurance kicks in to go ahead and get some testing done. I would go to a good OB who specializes in fertility or go straight to an RE. They might be more willing to trust you and go ahead with the testing. Also keep in mind that a lot people with RPL never find a cause. I have a few possibilities but nothing definate as a cause for mine. Since your DF has the insurance now it could be a possibility to have some testing done on him in the meantime. I know it is possible for the father to have chromosomal abnormalities that contribute to RPL like a balanced translocation. Just a thought.

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  #8  
January 1st, 2009, 08:00 AM
DawnN's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Oh, I just wanted to add....some insurances don't cover anything labeled infertility. I had to make sure that my doctor's never labeled my recurrent m/c diagnosis as infertility (even when prescribing meds that are also used for infertility...like the progesterone and clomid). It was sometimes a pain when things got kicked back and the doctor had to re-submit request for "recurrent spontaneous abortion" (I always HATED that term). But it was worth it as everything was covered.
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Married 8/11/90 ~ Terry Bechor m/c'd 11/26/03, Thomas A. III m/c'd 7/15/04,
Sarah E. born 6/24/05, Tabitha Zipporah m/c'd 4/?/06, Theodore David m/c'd 8/27/06,
Taylor Lynn m/c'd 2/07/07, Benjamin E. born 3/25/08, Catherine A. born 6/03/09


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  #9  
January 1st, 2009, 08:10 AM
DoulaMama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I almost ruined my marriage wanting my husband to FEEL something about loosing our babies. It was horrible- when I needed him most i pushed him the hardest. I finally accepted that he won't feel the same ways about our child till some more visable signs come, and probably he won't feel that full of love feeling till the baby is born, while I feel immediatly. It was so hard to realize, and even harded to accept. Still I've asked him not to rub it in, and I also don't talk too much about it to him, mostly b/c it's aquward- I wish he loved those babies in the way i did. It feels very alone, very lonely. I hate that I'm the only one who loves my babies, but it is what it is.


And my RE was GREAT! She never doubted me, never even made me "prove" my first pregnancy- which I had medical proof for. I was lucky to find a DR who specializes in RPL, so that helped. I also waited to find help till after marriage (aka insurance!). We did bump our wedding date up 4 months to do that.... maybe you could consider getting a courthouse wedding just for the paperwork- then doing the wedding you've planned later. We talked about it- but we were planning a small wedding- so it just made sense to move it up.
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  #10  
January 1st, 2009, 10:19 PM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I am so sorry hun. It can be so tough on a relationship going through this. Every loss brought a huge fight for us...maybe not right away, but in the weeks that followed, something would blow up & it would be ugly. For us that usually seemed to clear the air, but that didn't make it any easier to deal with in the meantime. I think once you have insurance you will be able to find a Dr that will listen to you - it may not be easy - but I am sure you can. I am now certain I had a loss that ws never confirmed - I called the Dr about the bleeding, etc & she asked me to take a HPT - but I didn't want to (or else I already would have before the bleeding started) i just was not in the right frame of mind to deal with another pg at that time nor another loss. I was surprised later to find out she had added that one as a mc to my chart - and even now I don't really list it - as I feel somehow like it did & didn't happen - all at the same time. It's complicated to deal with all of this & all of the feelings that come along with it. I am sorry Chris isn't there for you in the way you need him to be right now....all I can say is talk to him - and keep talking until you feel understood. You can even try what I do with Dh - get out a note pad for each of you & a timer...then you each get a designated amount of time to speak uninterrupted (like 5 mins give or take)...then you tell him everything you need to say for 5 mins & have him make notes if there is something he needs to talk about (to remind himself when it is his turn). Just make sure you are doing more listening than writing. The note pads are just meant to be a reminder of things you want to mention. ((((HUGS)))) and best wishes sweetie! I am so sorry.
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If a man has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout life the triumphant feeling, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success along with it. ~Sigmund Freud
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  #11  
January 2nd, 2009, 01:37 PM
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I am so sorry you are going thru such a rough time Augie!! On the men issue.....when we were going thru our 4 losses, DH reacted emotionally. The first m/c was horrible for both of us. From then on, DH reacted to the losses, but not like me. He never talks about our babies in heaven, doesn't remember the due dates or the dates that we lost the babies. Does it frustrate me....yes, but I know that this is the way that he is. If I need his shoulder to cry on, he is there. But he never asks if I am ok just out of the blue or anything.

As far as dr's go....I would say find an OB that you are totally comfortable with. Then go on to the RE. There are many tests that OB's can do that will give you a beginning state of where you are with infertility. The RE can move forward with that information.

Infertility sucks.....I would have been lost if I didn't have this group here. To validate my feelings, to follow on the path with me, to let me know that in the end it will be ok.

Oh....and move your marriage up!!! Or, go to the justice of the peace and get hitched. DH's sister did that so that she would be covered by her DH's insurance when she lost her job. They then had a small ceremony a few months later when they were originally planning on getting married.
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  #12  
January 2nd, 2009, 04:51 PM
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Thanks ladies. DF and I have talked about the possibility of getting married sooner. He doesn't want to, and I understand his reasoning. Therefore, we will be waiting.
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