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I used to be an active member here but once I had my DD's I sort of moved on. I mean, I had made peace and accepted my losses and changed and all of that. All the while never thought I'd be dealing with another loss. I mean it's been almost 4yrs since my last loss (I suffered with 7yrs of infertility and then 3 losses in a 9 month span in 2006 before I got pg with Makenna). When I got pg with Maddie out of blue and had a carefree pregnancy I was floored and felt blessed. DH & I thought we were done and had talked about him getting a vasectomy.
Last month I started getting nervous about his "V" and told him how I didn't feel like our family was complete. Logisitically 2 kids was perfect for us but I can't deny the feeling that we should have 1 more. He wasn't on board and I begrudgingly went along with the "V" last week. Well, a week before I had a feeling I might be pg. I've only had 1 AF since Nov 2006 because I'm BF'ing and we've used condoms religiously. Well, I thought I had evap lines (on 2 different brands including FRER) and 2 days later I had the worse AF ever and it was super heavy and last 7 days. Long story short, I had my 4th m/c last week, the week DH had his "V".
I knew that would happen and feared it. Now I'm dealing with the loss of another baby and the loss of a dream of another baby. I feel like something was taken away from me and I can't have it back.
Not only am I grieving the loss of another baby but I'm upset that I never clued in that I was pg when I was and feel like I missed the chance to bond in some small way too. This has brought up so many emotions for me that I wasn't prepared to ever deal with again. Sure I see EDD's and Loss dates comes and go but as the years have gone on it doesn't sting as much anymore because I have my 2 girls now. Sonow I want baby #3 and feel like I've been robbed of that.
I told DH on Sunday what had happened and how I was never comfortable with his choice. He's always wanted 2 kids and there was no changing his mind until he saw how upset I was. I said I wasn't mad at him but I was upset that he took something away from me without thinking how it would affect me. I had asked him to hold off while I processed my fears and feelings. I drove him to the hospital but I wasn't happy about it. Now I know why.
DH said he's made the biggest mistake of his life and wishes he could take it back. He said there's still a small window of opportunity for us to conceive since it'll take a month or 2 for the sperm to empty out. So he's suggested we give it a try. Now I'm nervous of another loss and loosing our chance forever. Needless to say we had a good 4hr talk and laid everything out on the table. We believe if it's meant to be it'll happen and if not, that's our answer.
So now I'm in limbo. I'm kicking myself for not being more assertive when I told him my thoughts of another baby and not feeling like we were done. The good thing is it's brought us closer. DH said all he wants to do is make me happy and see that the girls and I are taken care of and happy, that brings him joy and contentment.
We're on the same page now (it just sucks we had to go through all of this to get there and for me to realize my true feelings). Why didn't I look again at the tests. I had an u/s last week for the fibroids and they found the corpus lutiem cyst from the pregnancy and a minute trace of HCG so I know it was real.
BAGH!!! I don't even know where I should post this. Part of me feels like a stranger here because it's been so long and wonder if I'll even be accepted and the other part of me hopes it's okay and I haven't offended anybody. I'm just hurting now.
A reversal probably isn't an option for us given the cost. It's around $5000 and not covered by insurance. Of course, if it's something we really want I won't stop at anything. I just can't believe this is going on. NEVER saw it coming in a million years. Oh the irony!!!
Nykoal, you are always welcome here. I don't if it's been two days or ten years, I'll always welcome you (and anyone else) with open arms. I'm so sorry that you've had another loss and that your DH has had the vasectomy.
Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my siggy!
Proud former foster parent to a teen. Waiting on our next call. Proud Aunt to 22.
Proud mommy to 7 angels. Survivor of 4 failed adoptions (5 kids)
Nykoal, I'm thinking of you. Your post really hits home to me. We thought two kids were perfect logistically too. About 14 months ago we realized that someone was missing in our family, and we decided to try for one more. I've been pregnant twice in the last year and lost both of the babies. DH would like to get a V as well...he thinks that it must not be meant to be for us to have another baby. But I just can't shake the desire for one more. I think I would feel complete if we had three children.
I'm praying that a miracle is in the cards for both of us, and that we find peace and acceptance if not!
I am so sorry that you went through another loss and DH got a V. I am like you ladies that are dealing with losses. I had two children, lost our third and fourth and DH wants to be done. I have had to do a lot of pushing to not have him go to the dr. Now he is on blood thinners so now worries . I pray that you get your miracle. I can't imagine you wouldn't be welcome on any of the pregnancy loss boards.
Thanks for the support ladies. It means a lot. AF showed yesterday in full force so last cycle was a bust. We've got maybe this cycle and then his swimmers should be gone (unless his sperm smaple shows otherwise).
I'm still so frustrated with everything and can't believe I had another loss and the timing of it. It's like a cruel joke and doesn't make any sense. Why have this new desire for a 3rd and then go through all of this. Sometimes I just have to scratch my head and shake it. If I hadn't had the loss I would have been happy with 2 but to have something taken away like that and be dealt the hand we have is hard to accept some days.
It's been nice to be back. I've stayed off the main board for a long time now (used to post on the graduates board though). It's helping me.